JustMe4Now Posted January 4, 2020 Share Posted January 4, 2020 Soulmate, love of his life. He still stands by those lines although he hasn't touched me in over a year (16 months to be exact. Not that I'm counting or anything! LOL). It just stopped one day. I love him. How do I know this? Because I want things to be how they used to be. Not the "what if things had worked out" with somebody else. I'm in a perpetual state of mourning. Not having faith that things will ever change. When we first met we had long conversation about what we both wanted in a relationship. One of the key points I made was that I needed intimacy. I feel betrayed at the fact that this is occurring and he refuses to get help. Blames it on his high blood pressure medication, on life events. Swears he loves me and is in love with me. I'm finding it extremely hard to buy those lines. I do love him, but sincerely if it wasn't for the fact that my children are so attached to him and that neither one of us can survive financially without the other I would have walked away. Not using my kids as an excuse, but to put them through a loss due to my unhappiness seems extremely selfish. The list of pros is extremely long but it upsets me that it is not enough for me to find peace/conform. How do people do this?! How do they stay in cold marriages till death do them part?! I'm not willing to or interested in having my needs met by anyone else. I want him. I want to feel close to him as we once were. I want to feel beautiful, but only by him. He's kind hearted, trustworthy, but stubborn as a mule. I am as well. I'm very sincere, but I've had countless conversations with him. Explained my thoughts and feelings. I do understand and take his into consideration but he's not willing to seek help. Neither medical or psychological. Somebody please tell me. How can I find peace? Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted January 5, 2020 Share Posted January 5, 2020 This is such an impossible equation to solve here. Though I know of a family where twenty years ago the mom messaged to me: "I haven't been touched in 11 years..." They are still together, seeeeeeeeeeemingly close again (I'd be stunned were any physical 'cheating' ever any part of that on either side ). There are adult kids... the start of the long lack of physical intimacy quite significantly tangent to the birth of the last kid. It is SO much easier (in the present) to just stay the course and not work to improve your own life... I'm guessing you have to figure out for yourself just what your priorities are, and act upon them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted January 6, 2020 Share Posted January 6, 2020 On 1/4/2020 at 1:18 PM, JustMe4Now said: Blames it on his high blood pressure medication, on life events. Is it a reasonable (side effect) that his own sex drive is negated BY whatever medication he is taking??? Surely (a willing, reasonable minded person) could go to the doctor and pursue something that does the same thing medically but without eliminating his sex drive? At least reach a point where you "(understand)" that he could likely solve this IF he (was bold enough to try???) . Once you ascertain that, then keep up the inspiration about encouraging him to go and seek a solution, for the sake of all of you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 6, 2020 Share Posted January 6, 2020 You describe your marriage as "cold". That's a very powerful word there - has all warmth between you gone now? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JustMe4Now Posted January 6, 2020 Author Share Posted January 6, 2020 I understand completely about the side effects of the medication. But I am resentful of the fact that he has not mentioned this to this doctor or tried to find a solution. I believe I would have dealt better with this had he sought help, even if to no avail. At this point everything seems like an excuse to me. First it was the stress from his job, then it was his health issues, then about being unemployed, then sleep apnea (which he finally took care of and is now doing well with), then it was too much on his mind, now he lost his job again. By all means do not think I've been unsympathetic. I've been there supporting him emotionally and can't really say completely financially, but I've been the main bread winner and I'm not a princess by any means! I'm not just complaining about the lack of intercourse. The lack of any type of physical intimacy. I understand that things happen as we age, but there's ways around it. I'm not a nymphomaniac. I do believe though that sex and intimacy is a very important part of a relationship. Made this extremely clear before we even began to date. I feel betrayed. I never once neglected his needs. Even when I wasn't in the mood, I found pleasure in knowing I was making him happy. I have gone through many devastating events but I didn't allow it to affect our sex life. To me, when you're in a relationship, your partner should be your oasis. One completely open to the other. A place where you feel loved, accepted and desired. Body and mind. I sometimes feel like a fool for having those thoughts, but at one point he seemed to agree. All warmth has not completely left. We seem to care about the other. He tells me he looks at me and fells love. That he's in love with me. I just can't buy it! Perhaps I'm the one now growing cold. I'm tired of bearing my soul to him. Of begging him to agree for us to get help. Feeling like my pride has been trampled on. I hate to cry, but my pain has been so great that he's seen them and it doesn't have any effect on him. I'm not a manipulator. To me that's the biggest form of disrespect. Perhaps that's my downfall. Maybe if I was cunning and wasn't straight forward I would get my way. But according to him this is one of the things he values about me. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 6, 2020 Share Posted January 6, 2020 My husband has ED. Sex was never what I wanted it to be & has dwindled significantly. We just got back from a cruise where DH promised we'd word on sex. Never happened. You have to make a choice that no one can make for you: do you want sex or do you want him. Apparently you can't have both. 1 3 Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted January 7, 2020 Share Posted January 7, 2020 (deep sigh) Man, how does it so often come to this in marriages all around society?? Very real, very deserving people somehow emotionally painted into corners, from which they don't dare exit, because the near term somehow seems so humiliating/belittling... and regardless of the fact that the long term has to be the priority. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
K.K. Posted January 7, 2020 Share Posted January 7, 2020 “Will it get any better?” All signs point to noo. 🙁 Link to post Share on other sites
Piddy Posted January 7, 2020 Share Posted January 7, 2020 (edited) 11 hours ago, d0nnivain said: My husband has ED. Sex was never what I wanted it to be & has dwindled significantly. Has he tried the ED drugs? Interesting fact. Viagra was originally a heart medication. To pump the blood better to the heart. But the men who were taking it for their heart said that they were getting these fantastic erections. It made the blood flow to the penis much stronger. So the drug company made a pretty smart business decision and switched it to an erectile dysfunction drug instead. Not to make light of anyone who has ED. But here's a little joke. There's a warning that if you get an erection for more than 4 hours seek a doctor. One guy said, hell if I get an erection that lasts for more than 4 hours, I'm going to Vegas. 😃 Edited January 7, 2020 by Piddy Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted January 8, 2020 Share Posted January 8, 2020 On 1/6/2020 at 5:24 PM, K.K. said: “Will it get any better?” All signs point to noo. 🙁 I just asked same to the Spongebob Magic 8-ball The reply was: "Today's Not Your Day" Link to post Share on other sites
scooby-philly Posted January 8, 2020 Share Posted January 8, 2020 @JustMe4Now - Sex and intimacy are one of those "non-negotiable" items a couple in a relationship need to be on the same page about - up their with kids, how to raise a child, lifestyle (outgoing, homebodies, a blend), finances, religion, politics, and family (meaning how you handle and the relationship you have with your family and your partner has with theirs). Yet we don't talk about it often and there's a stigma that people, especially women, that enjoy and need sex are somehow weird, bad, sinful, focused on the wrong thing, etc. Remove the stigma and we're talking about a basic human need. From what you shared it sounds like intimacy (physical, emotional, etc) is important to you and that you've shared your feelings and tried approaching your partner in different ways to get him to do SOMETHING. I cannot admit to being a relationship expert or even successful at dating. But every failure has taught me something. And my failures have taught me that both partners need to care enough about the other to learn how to see things from the other person's perspective and if there's good, honest, open, consistent communication and a safe environment to share feelings, then when something BIG like this comes along both parties need to work on it. If one party refuses to even try then you're just an enabler allowing your own needs not to be filled. And before anyone jumps down my or your throat - intimacy is very important to a lot of people. Imagine if we were talking about finances instead. You had suffered some sort of career setback or lost job or maybe you wanted to go and get more education. If your partner refused to maybe pick up the slack a little bit for a defined period of time - picking up more overtime, a side job, or cutting expenses down - then i'm sure people would tell you you're being mistreated. And if you tolerated it for too long you'd be to blame for your misery as much as him. So perhaps at this point what he needs to understand is the CONSEQUENCES of the situation moving forward. I'm not saying you threaten him, or do a quid-pro quo thing either. But in reality if his reality can't imagine losing you then he may not understand the depth of the problem. Tell him how you feel again and ask him to be part of a solution - either he seeks help, you go into an open relationship, or you leave him. Focus on his behaviors and your feelings. Don't attack, don't make "you always" statements, focus like a laser beam but stick to your guns. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
UCanCallMeCrazy Posted January 21, 2020 Share Posted January 21, 2020 I feel your pain. Perhaps through your discussions, calm open discussions, you can get him to agree that. . . physical intimacy is an important part of your relationship, without it you will grow apart it will make you both feel and be better physically, and improve both of your overall health see if he agrees with these things and perhaps you can then lead him to the next steps of wanting these things. you mentioned that the intimacy just stopped one day. What were things like before then? Was there anything significant that happened around that time? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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