Love of my Life left me again :

[Dragi1016]

So this is kind of a long story so please bear with me.  Me and my Fiance have been together for nearly 8 years. Much of those 8 years have been good but there have been our fare share of fights and rough patches.  Her and I have things in common and are able to have long talks but we also have 2 different personalities.  We always joke that I am Fire and she is Ice. I am a very emotional person who wears his heart on his sleeve. She is very unemotional and very cold at times but its something I accepted. She is a Manic Depressive and I am Bi Poler.  In July we had a break and she moved back in with her Father and Sister.  The only way we would get back together is if I got help and so a therapist and changed my way of thinking. With months of therapy and soul searching and medication I was back to being that hard working happy guy. And we got back together.  I was working hard and taking care of anything she needed financially and emotionally.  She wasn't working during this time. We were stronger then ever unfortunately Me and my Mother were losing our family home and needed to be out by January 17. My Fiance wanted to move into a new place with me and my Mom and help out with the rent. I paid to put her through Bartending school and we were all gearing up to start our new lives in a new place. Fast forward to Jan 2nd . Her and I were watching the Witcher in Netflix and I bought us Pizza and we were having a great time. About a hour later coming back from the bathroom her Sister called. She put it on speaker phone which was odd since usually she doesn't like to talk to her sister when people are around let alone put her on speaker  Her sister said she was depressed and broke up with her boyfriend for the 20th time... She wanted to come pick her up. Now my Fiance lives 90 miles away from me and I found this odd that her sister wanted to drive all the way over here. My Fiance went to the bathroom and I started to think none of this makes any sense.  I asked her bluntly did you call your sister to pick you up? She said no I wouldn't do that. After 5 min of denying it she finally came clean. She told me she couldn't do this again and that she was still angry at me from the past . She said she loves me but part of her hates me! It's at this point that my heart was shattered in a million pieces.  She said I haven't changed and a verbal argument I got in with my Mother about money issues a few days earlier made those old feelings come back and she is scared that I will become that angry person again. I was in utter shock couldn't believe what I have been hearing I had a breakdown right in front of her crying screaming my eyes out. I was so hurt I called her inhuman for doing this to me and my mom when we were counting on her and she said she really wanted to be there for us but she can't.  She is scared she gave back the engagement ring I got her which I'm still paying on. We hugged and kissed she said she is so sorry. I told her this isn't goodbye but its See you later. She then left and I have been a shell of myself since. I cant eat anything no appetite and feel sick to my stomach I stare out a window all day wondering where I went wrong. My life feels over I want to contact her but I wont part of me is so angry at her but God I Love her so much. What do I do?

[Beachead]

Hey 1016,

I tend look at things in a very black and white manner to simplify so I apologize if what I say may comes off as blunt.

The two of you had an 8 years together and Jan 2nd was just 2 days ago.  You're not going to get over this anytime soon.  That's a lot of time together.  A lot of years worth of days getting use to this girl being in your life.  You developed habits and patterns with her and you are used to it.  She left.  Now that old program doesn't seem to compute with your way of life right now.  Your mind doesn't know what to do.  There is an emptiness.   You have to let your body and your mind run its course through this miserable process.  You have to let that pain in and feel it and experience it so that you can work through it and learn how to move passed it.  For now, do that..and journal your thoughts everyday into a book.  Writing is powerful.

Also, I encourage you to look at your thread title.  It says "Love of my life left me again."   The love of your life would be there with you.  She wouldn't have left you.   You wouldn't be alone there, crying, miserable, feeling this way.  Leaving is a choice and it's not a spur of the moment decision.  Make no mistake, she consciously worked this decision out in her head over time until she was ready to execute.  She didn't even tell you about how she felt.  She just sort of sabotaged the success of the relationship by keeping her true feelings a secret because deep down inside she didn't want it to work out.  But more so..she had the best you had to give for 8 long years and she chose to leave you twice.  What does it all tell you?   It should tell you she isn't the love of your life.  She's unreliable.  You can't trust her to stick with you.  Even if she comes back, who's to say she won't leave you again and put you through this?   

Your goal now is to look after you and return your mental-health back to 100%.  You need to put her out of sight, out of mind and let her be.  There is nothing you can do about her decision so instead, respect it.  Tell yourself she knew what she was doing when she ended it and proceed on that.  Detach.  Block her off of social media if you have it.     Anything she posts up on there will upset you and trigger anxiety.  You don't need to see it.  If she wants out, give it to her.  Let her taste what your absence feels like so that she can feel the gravity behind the breakup in its entirety.  Don't do it for her though..do it for you, for your mental-health.  If blocking is too much of a jump, then deactivate your accounts for awhile.  Also, bag her possessions, gifts throughout the relationship and put them someplace out of your sight as well.  Delete all photos on your phone and any conversations related to her along with her number.  If you're not ready to do that, then write her number out and keep it someplace out of sight and backup all photos on your phone onto a drive.  Delete the conversations.  Out of sigh...out of mind.

And then let yourself grieve..day by day.

- Beach

Edited January 5, 2020 by Beachead

[VIOLET EDEN]

I agree, this process is what I call, and I think others as well, COLD TURKEY. Don’t push the pain aside, push her memories aside. Get a new hobby or go restaurant hopping. Try something new to fill in the space that you had with her, and then only can you slowly heal. Agreed 8 years of love, caring and feelings are hard to let go, and it’s natural to be angry. The day you can think of your ex, and not feel hatred, is the day you are healed, but it takes time

[Dragi1016]

Thank you for giving me a real perspective on the truth . Everything you have said rings true I have deactivated and blocked her from all social media and I deleted her number so I dont give in to the urge of texting her

[Beachead]

9 hours ago, Dragi1016 said:

Thank you for giving me a real perspective on the truth . Everything you have said rings true I have deactivated and blocked her from all social media and I deleted her number so I dont give in to the urge of texting her

I know its not easy.  It's miserable when someone does this to us.  Absolutely miserable.  You will feel increasingly tempted to see unblock her on social media, to call her, to text her.  Your mind is still programmed to be close to her, to think about her, to love her and with absence...so that's what it will want to do.  Be ready.  You will have to consciously work hard to fight those temptations by reminding yourself why this girl is no good for you and why it is best to stay away.    That's where writing can really make the difference so I hope you use it.

In addition to blocking, you need a plan to help you focus on and you can do this through writing:

1.  Write out the negatives about her and the negatives about the relationship and how it negatively impacted you.  Reinforcing this will help counter the urges to reach out to her.  Your mind is weak and vulnerable atm and you may end up putting her on a pedestal and making her seem more special than she was.  This exercise will ground you and give you a reality check.  (Do this daily)

2.  Write out 2 things you're grateful for in your day to day and in your life.  This will help you stay grounded and remind you to appreciate things, in miserable times.   (Do this daily)

3. Write out your life journey about where you've been, what you've learned..and think hard about where you want to go and what you want to accomplish or yourself, out of this life.  Do you have a picture in your head of what it is?  If not, start painting it.    Think about what you need to do to get there.  What to you need to buy?  How to you obtain the money?  Where do you need to travel to?  This gets you focusing on yourself and on a plan..on what you can control in your life rather than what you can't.  By focusing on what you can control, you will likely feel in control rather than out of control and hopeless.  (Do this once a week.)

4.  Document your daily feelings and thoughts.  Just write what comes to mind.  Don't filter.  It's just you and your book and you're free to say whatever you want.   (Do this daily or a few times a week as needed)

When enough time has passed by, you'll see commonalities and patterns between all these journals.  The kinds of thoughts or feelings that dominate in your mind.  The progress you've made.  The areas where you haven't made progress.  With an idea of whats going on in your mind, you can then proceed to make a concrete plan of what you need to do to heal. 

Time and space away from this girl is absolutely crucial.  Don't let her back in unless you are willing to destroy all the progress you made since the day she left.   Also, don't hesitate to use this forum to share your pain.  Many have felt it, including myself.

Best of luck and stay strong

- Beach

Edited January 5, 2020 by Beachead

[d0nnivain]

The end of a relationship is always painful but maybe this is the time to really let go forever.  You are in a new place.  You have a therapist.  This is your fresh start.  

She may have been more the cause of many of your problems then you realize.  

Yes you will be upset for a while but missing her & the fear of change are bad reasons to stay in a dysfunctional relationship.  

[Dragi1016]

Thank you guys for the insight it really helps . Everytime I get a urge to contact or a bad feeling about her i will come back to this thread.  Your words are very encouraging and i will start to write in a Journal to get all my feelings out.

[VIOLET EDEN]

Hope everything is going well