lostNconfusedx10 Posted October 4, 2005 Share Posted October 4, 2005 Everyone has heard the phase "800lb gorilla (or elephant) in the room". It just means that there is something out there so obvious and everyone knows about it but no one really wants to point it out. It seems like that gorilla has been lurking between me and my ex for a month or so now. We went out for 2 years and have been apart for 1. We never went more than a week and a half without talking to each other and we've bothe seen other people. She broke up with me on the basis that our relationship had lost its passion and she's never had a long time relationship like this one and didnt know if there was anything out there any different from what we had. Basically she got scared and ran away since we never fought and we always got along like best friends. I know the the things she didnt like about me, being late and lazy. Those are easy things to fix when you know now what is at stake. In the past 2 or so months we have hung out 4 times yet i have been trying to get her to hang out for the past year. The first time was a concert and started out great but we fought afterwards. we didnt talk for a while after that. 2nd, she was scared of the lightning and begged me to come over but when i got there the lightning was over and it semed like she didnt want me there any more. 3rd was a great day. We spent all day together and i could feel her defenses breaking down a little bit more as each hour passed. So the 4th was last night. I had called her a week ago and asked her to go to the movies and left her a voicemail. She didnt call me back till yesterday and never brought up the movies. Near the end of the convo, she blurted out she wanted chinese food. I took a chance and said id be up for it. She suggested we get chinese and watch a movie at my house. Things went fine and its like it was in the old times (without any physical contact though). When the movie was over she got up and left. So back to the big 800lb gorilla, it seems like that gorilla is there and neither of us want to point it out. On my end it seems that way and i think she thinks the same, but her 800lb gorilla might be a different version of mine. Things are SLOWLY starting to look good and i want to make sure that i dont blow any chance there might be. How do i play this out? it seems she doesnt want to hang out under a "Date" type of atmosphere but chinese food and a movie at home alone on a sat night seems like a date to me. Do i let her point out the gorilla or do i? Or do i just wait and see if that gorilla points itself out? Call it obsessing or call it true love, but i have thought about this girl every day for the past year even when i was dating for someone for about 3 months. messing up a second chance isnt an option for me. Thought? Opinions? advice? what should be my course of action? or should i take no action at all and let her (who is flightly about the thing and will only hang out really when she wants to) take a little initiative and then just run with it? Link to post Share on other sites
Blackfrost Posted October 4, 2005 Share Posted October 4, 2005 Do i let her point out the gorilla or do i? Or do i just wait and see if that gorilla points itself out? Keep in mind that this is your life, and you DO have control over it. Harboring thoughts that everything is progressing nicely (according to your head) may not be what she is feeling inside of hers. Unless you open up and talk about it, you're kind of living inside a fantasy that may not develop into that which you believe it is heading towards. I personally am a big purveyor of talking openly and honestly about any situation, so as to best gauge levels of mutual understanding. Without talking to her about how you are feeling (and how she feels as well) you could be misleading yourself down a road that might ultimately cause you a great deal of grief when the gorilla becomes inevitable. Best of Luck Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted October 4, 2005 Share Posted October 4, 2005 Stop letting her monkey you around. Kick that gorilla in the nuts if you have to, but you've got to get on with your life if she won't commit. Link to post Share on other sites
slubberdegullion Posted October 4, 2005 Share Posted October 4, 2005 An 800 lb gorilla? Wow... I hope you have a steam cleaner. Life rewards action. Doing nothing is not an option anymore. Move on, dude. She's either avoiding the issue for fear of being forced into something, or she has no clue. Either way is bad news. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
mashgo Posted October 5, 2005 Share Posted October 5, 2005 I'll go in the other direction , just a little. I am in a situation right now, where my only plan that works is keeping the sitatuion de-pressurized. It will come out when ready, and if you can hang in their for a little longer without confronting the situation, it may be bring better results....it may also hurt a little more though. So if your up for the challenge hang in there for a while. Keep her enjoying your time together, nothing will get her back better than her enjoying her time with you. Bringing up the gorilla may scare her off before she is ready. Mashgo Link to post Share on other sites
hypegirl Posted October 7, 2005 Share Posted October 7, 2005 I agree with mashgo - Relax man ! have some patience - get alife - she might find your behaviour to be really attractive - patience man cool your jets Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostNconfusedx10 Posted October 27, 2005 Author Share Posted October 27, 2005 We hung out again. it was actually very predictable. I made a comment that i had a sunday off (in the form of "i cant wait till i have a day off, its not till sunday, i need a day off from work") This is how well i know her. That sunday i set my alarm clock for 11:30(since i usually sleep real late on my days off), and BAM!! She calls me at 12. I knew the call was coming. She wants to hang out. We saw my nephew and neice, we went out for pizza and beer (she wouldnt let me pay). Light flirtation took place. Then back at my house after a movie, the 800lb gorilla reared its ugly head. I started it off by asking her why she wanted to hang out. We talked for almost 2 hours. Talked about the breakup, people we've dated, why they didnt work out etc. We both agreed that we talked more openly to each other than we ever had before. More than anything i received some closure. I did however let her know that i wasnt trying to push her into getting back together but that i loved hanging out with her the past month and if all we ever did in the future was be friends i would be ok with that. I told her that all the qualities she has are what i know i want in a companion but that right now she needs to figure her self out. I told her i dont know if ill ever find all those qualities in another girl, and that if we were meant to be together it will just happen and neither of us would have to try. It would just happen. She replied with the same things she always has, that i was her first real boyfriend, yad yada yada. And which she never told me before ==> I was the only person (before and after me) that she dated that she could see herself growing old with. Where it goes from here i dont know. Everything was laid on the table. Good things and Bad. Most of the pesimists on this forum will reply that "she's jerking you around" "move on" "she not worth your time if she wont commit (right now)" and many more things like that. What i've learned from my 800lb gorilla is that if you are really close with someone, you know what they think without having to ask. But to find out how well you know the person, that gorilla must be pointed out only when the time is right. From reading alot of these posts i have seen that many people are in the "now or never" mentality. How about a hope and faith mentality? Just as a breakup takes time to heal and cope, getting back together takes time. You were right for each other once. You are his/her type. Those things dont change. It could be a year before we get back together. Rushing things just make it impossible. You didnt rush into love, why should you try your hardest to rush back into it? Link to post Share on other sites
J dub Posted October 27, 2005 Share Posted October 27, 2005 >This is how well i know her. That sunday i set my alarm clock for 11:30(since i usually sleep real late on my days off), and BAM!! She calls me at 12. lol wow >We saw my nephew and neice, we went out for pizza and beer (she wouldnt let me pay). My first thought was, she didnt want it to have the "date"-esque feeling which is why she paid. >Light flirtation took place. Such as....? >Most of the pesimists on this forum will reply that "she's jerking you around" "move on" "she not worth your time if she wont commit (right now)" and many more things like that. Hmm pessimists? I'd say they're more like the ones who tell the ugly truth which is generally not what you were hoping for. >What i've learned from my 800lb gorilla is that if you are really close with someone, you know what they think without having to ask. But...she rambled on for 2 hrs and youre still not sure? Interesting... >From reading alot of these posts i have seen that many people are in the "now or never" mentality. How about a hope and faith mentality? No, not now or never -- face it -- when you love someone, you want to be with them. It wouldnt make sense for you to push them away or play games, esp when you know eachother like you two do. She's not giving you false hope, she's just not giving you hope at all. >Just as a breakup takes time to heal and cope, getting back together takes time. Right, as long as both parties can identify where the first time went wrong and how to change AND theyre both willing to put effort into fixing that. It would also help that she said something along the lines of "lets try again" >You were right for each other once. Usually, a break up means something was not right. >Those things dont change. Oh boy yes they do, faster than the wind. Especially in a females head, we turn it on and off like a faucet. >It could be a year before we get back together. COULD but youre not even sure IF you'll get back together, yet youre willing to sit on the sidelines while she plays the game? I hope this feeling flees quickly because youre wasting your life. >You didnt rush into love, why should you try your hardest to rush back into it? Rushing isnt a good idea, but how about getting on that road to begin with before you start worrying about whether or not to speed? Youre not even in the same time zone as eachother and I think you already know that, youre just hoping someone here will say, sure dude...sit around and wait for her... Someone may suggest you two have some hope, and that may be the case someday. But right now, she'd be calling you and inviting you out on her own terms, not just when u throw hints around about when you have work off. We make time for the people we want to make time for. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostNconfusedx10 Posted October 27, 2005 Author Share Posted October 27, 2005 Dont get me wrong, the point of my post was not to say that we are getting back together or that i think we are. And our 2 hour talk didnt leave me confused, it confirmed things i thought i knew and answered questions i didnt. Am i waiting for her? no. She knows im not waiting. We may get back together, and we might not. But right now i enjoy her company. All letting that 800lb gorilla out did was let each other know how we felt about us hanging out again and that whatever happens, happens Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted October 27, 2005 Share Posted October 27, 2005 From reading alot of these posts i have seen that many people are in the "now or never" mentality. Most of us know that it usually doesn't work out once they dump you. Stick around and read some of the other posts, since you refuse to acknowledge other points of view. Maybe you're the exception, or maybe you lost your backbone when the 800-pound gorilla crushed it to pieces. But, hey, if you can handle friendship, more power to you. That's what buddies are for. Link to post Share on other sites
whereismylifegoing Posted October 28, 2005 Share Posted October 28, 2005 he has a point kinda..............in my situtation my ex doesn't have a bf. so if i were to ever hang out with her, i wouldn't get too weireded out. but i'm really not trying to hang out with her all the time and infact, i really don't think about as much as i used to. i'll stay on friendly terms with her and see if out paths cross again. it works for some people and others it doesn't (anybody that reads the forums can see this) but it's more not than often. usually when somebody dumps you it's for a good reason. i would think that your chances would be better if a relationship was a long one..........but i have this new assitant that i'm trying to hook up with. she's a milf and a hottie! YEAH! Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted October 28, 2005 Share Posted October 28, 2005 ...i have this new assitant that i'm trying to hook up with. she's a milf and a hottie! YEAH! I'd stay away from co-workers... Link to post Share on other sites
allaboutchoices Posted October 28, 2005 Share Posted October 28, 2005 I'd stay away from co-workers... Especially your assistant! Someone might lose a job... Link to post Share on other sites
whereismylifegoing Posted October 28, 2005 Share Posted October 28, 2005 she's my assistant! i pay for her! her checks come from me! Link to post Share on other sites
J dub Posted October 28, 2005 Share Posted October 28, 2005 she's my assistant! i pay for her! her checks come from me! You dont want to take other people's suggestions and opinions to heart, so why do you even bother coming here? Perhaps you should consider that we're not all here to bring you down, we're trying to pick you up from BEING down. Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted October 28, 2005 Share Posted October 28, 2005 she's my assistant! i pay for her! her checks come from me! Does that mean she has to put out for you, too, just because she's a MILF? Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted October 28, 2005 Share Posted October 28, 2005 Sorry, lostNconfused. You thread is evolving into a new life form. Link to post Share on other sites
whereismylifegoing Posted October 28, 2005 Share Posted October 28, 2005 Does that mean she has to put out for you, too, just because she's a MILF? doesn't mean she has too................it would be cool though.........what the hell am i thinking............now i know i'm crazy Link to post Share on other sites
J dub Posted October 28, 2005 Share Posted October 28, 2005 doesn't mean she has too................it would be cool though.........what the hell am i thinking............now i know i'm crazy I'm gonna give you the benefit of the doubt and assume youre over the age of 12, but you sure as hell make a good case when it comes to embaressing yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Nikita20 Posted October 28, 2005 Share Posted October 28, 2005 As the saying goes, "Don't s**t where you eat". My ex is dating someone from his work. We will see how long this will last. Link to post Share on other sites
J dub Posted October 28, 2005 Share Posted October 28, 2005 As the saying goes, "Don't s**t where you eat". My ex is dating someone from his work. We will see how long this will last. I like that one, I also like "Dont get your honey where you make your money" HA! Nikita - it won't last, and the best part is they'll probably end up uncomfortable around eachother when it ends and one will wind up leaving the place of work entirely. All you have to do is sit back and laugh Link to post Share on other sites
Nikita20 Posted October 28, 2005 Share Posted October 28, 2005 Yup, and I bet once that rebound goes south, he will be calling me realizing what he has lost. What a fool. Oh well. But, from my end, it still hurts like hell. Link to post Share on other sites
J dub Posted October 28, 2005 Share Posted October 28, 2005 Yup, and I bet once that rebound goes south, he will be calling me realizing what he has lost. What a fool. Oh well. But, from my end, it still hurts like hell. At least you can play the innocent victim here since you didnt do anything wrong -- you have nothing weighting on your shoulders, you can move on with a blank slate and a clear mind. Sounds to me like youre higher caliber than this guy anyhow -- you have a pretty decent sense of maturity in relationships and clearly he doesnt. Hang in there, sister. Us girls gotta stick together Link to post Share on other sites
Nikita20 Posted October 28, 2005 Share Posted October 28, 2005 Amen to that!! Link to post Share on other sites
whereismylifegoing Posted October 28, 2005 Share Posted October 28, 2005 I'm gonna give you the benefit of the doubt and assume youre over the age of 12, but you sure as hell make a good case when it comes to embaressing yourself. thanks i'm over 23. you seem to be really anal anymore. with your spelling i wouldn't put it past you that you aren't 12. so no more trash talk. we aren't here to fight. Link to post Share on other sites
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