Am I spoiling my 8 yr old son?

[jeff0011]

Divorced dad with full custody.  Mom moved to another state after she remarried. 
 

First the good.  My son is a very happy , outgoing child.   Extremely bright.  Only third grader in the gifted program , and class secretary. He is very funny, quick witted etc. 

However, if he is not the best at something immediately, he wants to quit.   Of course I try to ingrain in him the need to practice etc.  But he can be very strong minded for his age. 
 

I introduce him to many things that he immediately loves, or begs for.  Then he loses interest shortly after.  Tennis, fencing, painting, 3 d printing, guitar, piano etc  

Is this common for an 8 year old? Am I introducing him to too many activities?  

an example could be all he wanted for Christmas was a lock picking set   He loved it for two days  begged for a new lock to try   He couldn’t pick that lock within a half hour, now has no interest. Now wants a YouTube channel, wants to learn calligraphy.  
 

I feel kind of stupid to get all involved in anything else, when within a week he will steadfastly reject his new passion.

any ideas? He just seems to give up if it doesn’t come easy   And seems to get deeply hurt by not “being the best” immediately  

 

 

 

[nospam99]

Sounds like an extremely bright kid (I have three, all now grown). My observation is that bright kids (and adults) have a 'been there, done that' attitude. Once they believe they have 'conquered' something (e.g. one of my sons is musically talented and has 'moved on' from violin, guitar, and piano), they go looking for 'the next challenge'. Their interest is more in climbing another mountain than in building a summit lodge on the one they're at. Suggestion if he enjoys and values sharing the activities with you: pursue one of the hobbies or interests with him - try spending time doing whatever it is together, father and son, and see if that encourages him to stick with it.

[jeff0011]

4 minutes ago, nospam99 said:

Sounds like an extremely bright kid (I have three, all now grown). My observation is that bright kids (and adults) have a 'been there, done that' attitude. Once they believe they have 'conquered' something (e.g. one of my sons is musically talented and has 'moved on' from violin, guitar, and piano), they go looking for 'the next challenge'. Their interest is more in climbing another mountain than in building a summit lodge on the one they're at. Suggestion if he enjoys and values sharing the activities with you: pursue one of the hobbies or interests with him - try spending time doing whatever it is together, father and son, and see if that encourages him to stick with it.

Exactly.  That is a good way to put it. 
 

Growing up I didn’t have many choices.  I got a ball for Christmas.  I became the best soccer player as it was just me and that ball. 
 

with him, he has more choices.  And it is always “on to the next thing”. If he can play 2 guitar chords he is done.  He isn’t trying to become a master at anything.  If he can paint one painting, he is then done.  If he fences and wins a match , then loses 3 he is done.  Time for a new sport.  Etc. 

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I guess whether or not you're spoiling him depends on how much money you're shelling out and if you're letting him waste your money.  Re: the tennis and fencing....did you sign him up for 12 week sessions and not make him finish it out because you already paid for it?

Dabbling in a bunch of different things isn't bad, and he will eventually learn as he matures that it's OK to not be the BEST at everything, as long as you are not telling him he has to be (and of course you are not). Being competitive isn't a bad thing, but your son's brain is still operating on an 8 year old emotional level even though intellectually he is very bright, so now that you know he's "like this" you can tailor your parenting to help him develop beyond it. 

My 17 year son was like that as a little, too, and he isn't anymore. He actually was in counseling around kindergarten and the play therapist used to play Sorry with him during his sessions and purposefully not let him win.  He's not the BEST at anything now at 17 (except being the best son!) and he's fine with that.  

Edited January 5, 2020 by CautiouslyOptimistic

[preraph]

It's normal enough for kids to lose interest after the new wears off, but as a parent you should also let him know at this point that you can't just keep buying stuff he never uses again. I think you should start telling him that now. Just make him aware there is a financial component and also that there might not be enough room in the house to keep all that crap and that each time he get something new he has to donate something old. Don't let him become a hoarder. So just make some conditions. 

 

And then before long you need to put him on an allowance. Let him know that in the future he will have to save up to buy something out of his allowance and that if he just fritters that away on things he doesn't really want that he won't get the stuff he does want. There's never any point in putting a kid on an allowance unless you make them stay within their budget. 

 

Of course on a big item that he actually might need and not waste, which might come along in the next few years but not at age 8, you could offer for him to pay half and you would pay half after he got his part together. The purpose of an allowance is to teach them how to budget money so that they're ready for being an adult. so you don't give them everything they need because as an adult they're probably not ever going to have as much money as they would want to buy everything they would want, so they have to learn to pick and choose wisely. 

 

so you give them enough money to pay for whatever they have to pay for as necessities like school lunches, and then you just give them a little extra on top of that, not a lot extra. You should never give them so much money that they can buy useless stuff every week. 

And you're going to have to start teaching him that money is earned. So his allowance is contingent upon getting decent grades in school and upon good behavior. He doesn't get it if he's not acting right and doing his job at school and little chores at home like picking up after himself, his toys or taking his glass to the kitchen, just getting into good habits. 

 

When he wants something more expensive, once he's old enough to be any real help, you could give him a special harder chore to work on to earn a little extra money. 

Good luck. 

 

Edited January 5, 2020 by preraph

[Mr. Lucky]

On 1/5/2020 at 5:43 AM, jeff0011 said:

Is this common for an 8 year old? Am I introducing him to too many activities?  

an example could be all he wanted for Christmas was a lock picking set   He loved it for two days  begged for a new lock to try   He couldn’t pick that lock within a half hour, now has no interest. Now wants a YouTube channel, wants to learn calligraphy.  

Not sure it's spoiling as much as setting a bad example.  When you constantly buy and provide the next new short-lived thing, you're enabling his lack of commitment to the last activity.

I'd just slow down the process to a couple of new items per year.  And it's funny how kids come back to things - my parents bought me a guitar which I stuck in the closet after 3 failed months of lessons.  When I got to be a little older and figured out chicks dig guitar players, back out it came.  It was the same with golf - I was bored with it at 10 years old, but when I got some "cool" friends later who played golf, back on the course I went, grateful for the early exposure.

He'll probably have the same thing happen...

Mr. Lucky

Edited January 7, 2020 by Mr. Lucky

[PinkFlamingo]

1 hour ago, Mr. Lucky said:

Not sure it's spoiling as much as setting a bad example.  When you constantly buy and provide the next new short-lived thing, you're enabling his lack of commitment to the last activity.

I'd just slow down the process to a couple of new items per year.  And it's funny how kids come back to things - my parents bought me a guitar which I stuck in the closet after 3 failed months of lessons.  When I got to be a little older and figured out chicks dig guitar players, back out it came.  It was the same with golf - I was bored with it at 10 years old, but when I got some "cool" friends later who played golf, back on the course I went, grateful for the early exposure.

He'll probably have the same thing happen...

Mr. Lucky

I also have a lot of hobbies and since there are so many, I am not able to do them all at the same time, but every couple of years I develop a reborn passion for whatever it is that I used to like doing and then that's my favorite hobby du jour again. 

Edited January 7, 2020 by PinkFlamingo

[jeff0011]

Thanks.  I love the allowance idea and just started That with him. $5 a week to spend, or save and he can do as he wishes. 
 

I get excited when he LOVES to do something. And he is very passionate.  I just personally would like for him to focus and stay focused on one or two things and become excellent at them.  But yes, he does “revisit” old hobbies and passions again   

 

[Ellener]

I would definitely teach him to budget and not waste money ( assuming you know too! 😁 It's the bugbear of my generation, the adult kids who come home every time they need something...

Teaching him how/when to quit and how to deal when he fails at things ie. handle the emotions generated are also important later life skills, he has to know lots of things are down to his choice, then his choice how to proceed if he messes up. 

Sounds like you're doing great!

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

Knowing how to win is important, but knowing how to lose is infinitely more important. Your son does not know how to lose.... Through losing, we will come to achieve the greatest victories and by denying him a loss, you steer him away from greatness.

I learned how to lose by playing soccer, football and rugby, because it wasn't just me that was losing, it was us, the whole team... When you are apart of something greater than yourself, the losses become a hurdle, rather than an outcome.

The other thing is the crutch of you... Like, when I went to summer camp, away from my parents, I couldn't pad my losses up, you gotta eat them and just move on... Or, you know, you teambuild with your fellow campers and do something you couldn't do alone, together.

 

[Atwood]

You should talk to him about waste and being frugal, but also don’t discourage him. He’s doing what kids do. 
 

I consider myself a jack of all trades and a master of none, because I cycle through hobbies instead of stay in one. Yes, it does mean I have never truly excelled at any one thing (except for the thing I chose to do as my degree) but I have a very rich source of creativity and hobbies which I rely on very much for my wellbeing. 
 

Have you thought about the penny-a-page programme? When I have kids I’d like to try it. Agree that for every book they read, you’ll pay them a penny per page. He’ll be earning his own money so he can pay for his hobbies and getting plenty of books read  

[Sioned]

First off - I need to start by saying that I am a relatively new parent (2.5year old), so do not have experience of dealing with parenting for 8years! Nor do I have a gifted child. Strong willed an independent though - hell yeah - got that in spades.As my childcare experience was exactly Zero before he came along - once he started getting that strong will and Independence, I decided I needed to get some help and started an online course called Positive Parenting Solutions.

Im just going through the 2nd sessions - and it actually covers this kind of thing - why "smart" kids give up quickly if they are not immediately good at something - is because they do not want to feel embarrassed at not being good when they are often labeled as smart - or gifted, they don't want to let you down. They become so used to being called the smart one, or being praised when they do something well, that they get easily discouraged if they don't receive that praise when they aren't so good at something.

The course also talks about how praising a child rather than encouraging them can be counterproductive - (praise would be something like "you are so clever", whereas encouragement would sound more like - "you worked really hard at that, you must be so proud of that"). Encouragement fosters internal motivation in the child, whereas praise fosters a need in the child to please us parents. Similarly paying money for chores or completing tasks also fosters external motivations rather than internal. Some of the things you are talking about sounds a lot like what I am hearing in this bit of the course.

Even at 2 1/2. I am finding that if I make an effort to use the encouragement phrases instead of the "I am so proud" style - that it is making things easier.

Are you spoiling your child? Hell no! My understanding of what you are describing is certainly not spoiling - we simply live in an age where were are told we need to constantly tell our children we are proud of them, or they are good at something, or they can have a reward for doing something, and it doesn't really work that well in the long run because they are too busy trying to please us by being Good at something, or to earn the reward and not truly doing it because THEY want the challenge of completing something.

The course is a bit costly (personally I paid for the gold access, but the Silver would have done perfectly well), but there is a free 1 hour taster session which would give you an idea of how she works and whether you could stand listening to the lessons.  I personally have found it money very well spent, I have learned SO much - not just about my child, but about myself as well. Also look for information on a study by Carol Dweck at Columbia University - its quoted in this part of the course and sounds like its very similar in scope to what you are describing.

HTH  - I know its very different advise from everyone else lol 

 

 

 

 

[nittygritty]

A lock picking set for an 8 year old seems odd. Does he have any interest in playing team sports like soccer or basketball? 
Even if he doesn’t he might enjoy going to watch a game with you. It doesn’t sound like he is necessarily spoiled just gets bored easily trying to entertain himself. 

[littleblackheart]

14 hours ago, jeff0011 said:

I just personally would like for him to focus and stay focused on one or two things and become excellent at them

Why would he need to be excellent at them? 

 

He is already recognised as being gifted, so I'd encourage him to develop a healthy, well-rounded character, ie have good social skills and appreciate that there is more to life than being top at everything.

 

Is there a social activity he could take part in that is not too competitive, and would allow him to develop friendships? 

 

[Mr. Lucky]

2 hours ago, Sioned said:

I'm just going through the 2nd sessions - and it actually covers this kind of thing - why "smart" kids give up quickly if they are not immediately good at something - is because they do not want to feel embarrassed at not being good when they are often labeled as smart - or gifted, they don't want to let you down. They become so used to being called the smart one, or being praised when they do something well, that they get easily discouraged if they don't receive that praise when they aren't so good at something.

The course also talks about how praising a child rather than encouraging them can be counterproductive - (praise would be something like "you are so clever", whereas encouragement would sound more like - "you worked really hard at that, you must be so proud of that"). Encouragement fosters internal motivation in the child, whereas praise fosters a need in the child to please us parents. Similarly paying money for chores or completing tasks also fosters external motivations rather than internal. Some of the things you are talking about sounds a lot like what I am hearing in this bit of the course.

I agree with a lot of this and, in raising my own kids focused on noticing effort rather than praising results.

I was identified as "gifted" early on in school and skipped a grade.  Because the work came easily to me, I never really applied myself but always got through with a good memory and the ability to test well.  This system worked until I was accepted into a top college where everyone was "gifted" and I had to learn study and work habits others had mastered long ago.  So in even an intelligent child, you want to develop their willingness to put in the effort...

Mr. Lucky

[jeff0011]

2 hours ago, nittygritty said:

A lock picking set for an 8 year old seems odd. Does he have any interest in playing team sports like soccer or basketball? 
Even if he doesn’t he might enjoy going to watch a game with you. It doesn’t sound like he is necessarily spoiled just gets bored easily trying to entertain himself. 

For whatever reason, as of yet, he did not like soccer.  Which is my favorite sport.  He would sort of run around the periphery and avoid the action. 
 

Not sure why he wanted a lock picking set. But he can already pick most types of locks.   If anything he needs to start entertaining himself a bit, as I constantly am involved in everything.

Fencing has been the best for him so far.  He is with about 20 kids , 3 times a week, whom all help him and he is learning to accept losing.   I personally never “let him win” at anything, as I felt that would be wrong. 
 

i think what I am trying to say is I want him to learn that hard work , dedication and practice pays off. Never to give up.   As a kid I lost my first big tennis tournament, then by 18 I was top in the state.   That sort of mentality.  As opposed to “well, I lost.  I am not naturally the best.  So I should do something else”

 

 

Edited January 8, 2020 by jeff0011

[Mr. Lucky]

22 hours ago, jeff0011 said:

i think what I am trying to say is I want him to learn that hard work , dedication and practice pays off. Never to give up.

Just be aware 8-year olds learn this lesson incrementally, there's no "a ha!" moment when the light goes on.  It's definitely a process...

Mr. Lucky

[JTSW]

Sounds like you set a high standard for him to meet at a very young age.

This would explain the need he has to be the best at everything, because that's what he has been taught he has to do.

You shouldn't tell kids to be the best.

Just encourage them to try their best and that is great too.

[beatcuff]

OP, as a long time ice hockey coach and have gone to way too many coaching seminars: the current thinking is parents should expose their children to as many activities as practical (budget, time) under the age 10, then slowly gravitate to ones they prefer, specializing at high school, if ever.  Attempting to 'force' a child (under 10) to 'commit' for a season will only serve to have them not try something different.

my thoughts: if you watch current television shows or video games - the screens change often and quickly to 'retain' their interest.  this serves to only complicate your issue.  you should continue to provide your child with as many activities you can.  there are many more important hills to climb.

[Artdeco]

Sounds like you're spending a lot of money on your son, and this may cause issues in the future, when he's older (and used to getting new things and new equipment, which will only get more expensive as he gets older). But in general, like the others said, I believe that he's too young to delve into one thing only and stick with it permanently. He needs to explore. Maybe when he's a teen (13 and older), he'll develop a passion for one particular activity and focus on it with all his heart and soul. Until then, I'd let him try out different things. I would just point out to him that enrolling him in different activities costs money each and every time, and probably involves also a lot of driving, and it's time-consuming. Not sure if they care or understand when they're just 8, but I'd try to just explain that to him a lot.