I have to let him go

[Lost1981]

I made a thread in here in March 2019 about how my relationship ended, because I wanted children but my ex didn't. I wanted to make an update, but the thread seems to be closed, so I'm making this one.

The first months after the break up were hard. I smoke, I drank and I cried. We had some time with no contact, but then slowly during summer we started to talk and hang out again. Only in a friendly manner. From August until now we have been seeing eachother once a week and have been texting daily, like sharing things from our daily life etc. nothing heavy. I have been ok with that and at the same time not. Him visiting me...in "our" apartment and then leaving in the evening...it was hard. My mindset was that having him a little must be better than not having him at all, but I have just been fooling myself. He isn't mine anymore. 

Lately it got too hard. I still have feelings for him. I love him. I know we can't get together again, because of our different wishes for the future, but I miss him so much. I miss living with him. I just miss our life together. He sees me as a friend and doesn't mention anything about getting back together. I think the friendship fulfills his needs. 

A couple of days ago I told him we can't go on like this. It's just too hard for me. He said he understands and we haven't had contact since. I now have to get through the letting go proces which I have tried to postpone and it's tearing me down. Being friends with an ex is stupid, when you have more than friendly feelings...hopefully I've learned that lesson. But I don't know how I will get through this. One second I just want to continue as friends, but the next I'm sure it has to end completely.  

Edited January 5, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Supernova11]

I don’t know exactly what to say except I really feel you. In most cases, if you don’t have a tie together, like children, then no contact is the best method. I know this doesn’t make you feel better right now but it is crucial.
 

There is a really good youtube channel called mouth of the ape. The guy went through a brutal break up and started journalling to help other people but also to help himself. I suggest you check it out.  What do you have in your life to help give you some routine? Are you working? 
 

Unfortunately you will keep falling apart and being upset. Its trauma you’re going through and your body needs to deal with it but if you keep with the no contact, one day it won’t hurt as much. Some people keep a special place in our hearts but one day you realise they are not ruling them anymore, even if its years later.

[Lost1981]

21 minutes ago, Supernova11 said:

I don’t know exactly what to say except I really feel you. In most cases, if you don’t have a tie together, like children, then no contact is the best method. I know this doesn’t make you feel better right now but it is crucial.
 

There is a really good youtube channel called mouth of the ape. The guy went through a brutal break up and started journalling to help other people but also to help himself. I suggest you check it out.  What do you have in your life to help give you some routine? Are you working? 
 

Unfortunately you will keep falling apart and being upset. Its trauma you’re going through and your body needs to deal with it but if you keep with the no contact, one day it won’t hurt as much. Some people keep a special place in our hearts but one day you realise they are not ruling them anymore, even if its years later.

Thank you for the reply and the Youtube-suggestion (I will check it out). 

I think that having contact makes me hold on to the hope that one day we can get back together. It's like if I cut him out of my life then hope will disappear forever. That's why it's so hard for me. 

[Supernova11]

That is exactly it. By having him in your life, you always hope. Healing is a strange thing also. You cant say how long its going to take. You might think it will take years....and it might...or for some unfathomable reason you might suddenly get over it or even meet someone else. I always think I won’t ever meet someone I could love as much but then it happens...not for you RIGHT now though!

[elaine567]

You effectively just wasted another year on this guy.
He dumped you as he doesn't want kids. He went to therapy about it and decided he had to leave you.
He is not 25 and  "not sure" about kids, he is in his late thirties and is perfectly sure he doesn't want kids..

Dumpers can easily be "just friends" as they don't want "more" and they don't want to get back together again.
They can happily spend hours chatting, putting the world to rights and making sure you are OK.
That is what he did, but that was never going to be enough for you.
NC is your friend.

[Lost1981]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

You effectively just wasted another year on this guy.
He dumped you as he doesn't want kids. He went to therapy about it and decided he had to leave you.
He is not 25 and  "not sure" about kids, he is in his late thirties and is perfectly sure he doesn't want kids..

Dumpers can easily be "just friends" as they don't want "more" and they don't want to get back together again.
They can happily spend hours chatting, putting the world to rights and making sure you are OK.
That is what he did, but that was never going to be enough for you.
NC is your friend.

Thank you, you're right.

The year wasn't entirely wasted, because I have dated and I've started fertility treatment. But of course...emotionally I haven't moved on that much.  

Edited January 5, 2020 by Lost1981

[elaine567]

18 minutes ago, Lost1981 said:

The year wasn't entirely wasted, because I have dated and I've started fertility treatment. But of course...emotionally I haven't moved on that much.  

I am so glad you didn't just put everything on hold and gave up on your dream to be a mother.
 

[Lost1981]

17 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

I am so glad you didn't just put everything on hold and gave up on your dream to be a mother.
 

I'm glad too, even though it's not like I wished it would end. 

[Lost1981]

It's just...how can I give up hope? How can I stop fantasizing about a future with him and my baby?  

[Mr. Lucky]

Time for a reality check. He didn't want to have his own children with you, so it's pretty hard to imagine he'd want to be raising a child with no bio connection.

You'll have plenty on your plate as a single mom, that's where your focus should be.  It is indeed time to let this go...

Mr. Lucky

[assertives]

Tell yourself there's no future with this guy. Repeat if necessary. Hanging around hoping he'll one day become a father with you or to your child is like continuing to go to MacDonald's to buy an iphone and then keep being disappointed.

It's better to cut contact now and begin your healing than to keep contact with him as friends, and be hurt once more when you see him distance himself if and when the time comes and you become a mother. 

[elaine567]

It was finished the day he decided to leave.
Leaving was a very big and decisive action.
He left due to a fundamental disconnect.
There is no coming back from that, you have to come to terms with it.
You need to leave him behind and look to a future without him in it.
 

[stillafool]

I agree with Mr. Lucky that your focus should now be on becoming a single mom.  Once you are pregnant your baby will be your main focus and creating a healthy environment for him/her.

You are right to disconnect from your ex because he really does see you as a friend now and that alone hurts.  Sooner or later he will start to date and you don't want to be around for that because it's soul crushing.

[schlumpy]

Do you have religious roots? Do you get any closure from symbolism?

Gather up all the relationship Knick Knacks that you have accumulated and burn them in a ceremonial fashion. Have friends attend as witnesses. Read a pledge to reset your life. Once the physical evidence has been eliminated go dark on all social media and phones. Do not go to places you and he frequented until you finish grieving.

It's all about time and distance. 

[Lost1981]

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

You are right to disconnect from your ex because he really does see you as a friend now and that alone hurts.  Sooner or later he will start to date and you don't want to be around for that because it's soul crushing.

I have thought about that too. It will be unbearable if/when he finds someone new and maybe even marry her and even worse...wants to have children with her!

I have serious issues with abondonment and rejection so it's always extra hard for me to let go and move on, even though I know it's for the best.

I just still can't make a clean cut. I think it will be easier for me to not see him so often and just let it run out.

And you're also right about the focus on the baby. It should be my main focus.

 

[2BGoodAgain]

go work out.

believe it or not, it's a great way to relieve the pain, b/c nothing hurts more than love... or the end of one... and the pain of exercise doesn't compare... plus, it'll help release pent up emotions and hurts and releases endorphins which will help out...but it only helps... but while you exercise, your mind wanders and it's okay... it'll help you exercise more..

by the time you're done... you'll be fitter, better looking and perhaps ready to seek out another partner... but that's months down the road...

but try it! it'll help.