BeeGirl Posted January 5, 2020 Share Posted January 5, 2020 Hi I’m in a very tight situation as my boyfriend of 1 year I think got somebody else. First of all this guy dm me on Instagram wanting to be friends with me but I didn’t have any attraction for him even tho he was a good looking guy and a fitness person. So we would just message each other on Instagram as friends but I realized in his messages he liked me because his moves were obvious. He asked For my number and I gave it to him so after 6 months we were just messaging each other like friends do. One day he texted me to come over to his side so we can have dinner I was like okay cool. When I met him I just fell in love with him it was like a charm because honestly I didn’t see that coming because the previous months I didn’t even think I’ll like him. We had sex that night and I ended up spending 3 days at his place (that I can’t even believe I did that 😳) so it was like we just started a whole relationship with the other part not proposing. Sex was good so I guess it blinded me. We fell off after a while I wasn’t hearing from him and there was so much excuses and I started feeling this guy is a player. Even tho I had seen all the red flags 🚩 I decided to ignore until I find a prove. We came back again and this time he was all over me and everything. Telling me how much he loves me and we are a couple and all that blah blah. So I decided to go in with my all since this guy is being serious. He takes me to his boys boys outings we go out a lot together holding hands and all. I totally reject every guy that comes my way since I think I have my knight in shinning amour. To be honest I am so happy and very satisfied around him. It’s like a fairytale. I Always had this strong feeling that this guy may be playing me or hiding something from me because sometimes he acts in ways that I don’t think it fit my judgement but I let it go because I feel we are all flawed in a way. It was just recently he left his phone to charge and I decided to see what’s really happening in his life and if I’m truly the one. I know his passcode because I always watch carefully Anytime he enters that but I never let him know I have been watching it for a while. I found out on his phone he got someone before he met me and the kind of bond he has with the lady might definitely lead to marriage because it looks like he’s heavily indebted to the lady and that the lady visits once or twice every year. The lady is in abroad and they mostly communicate through FaceTime. I have spent so many days with him together n I have never found him hiding a call from me or excusing himself to FaceTime or call someone. Now I’m hurt and confused because he says the same I love u to this lady and the same assurance he gives to me that he is mine is the same assurance he gives this same lady. Am I being played? I’m so hurt what do I do because I’m deeply in love with him and the last thing I want to do is to fight for a man because I honestly do not know the history these two have together. I certainly do not want to ask him about the lady because I don’t want it to look like I invaded into his privacy by entering his phone. Help me my heart is breaking 😭😭😭 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 5, 2020 Share Posted January 5, 2020 Let me see if I follow. Some guy approached you through social media. He chased you for 6 months while you claimed you two were just friends. Even though you had never met before, you agreed to go to his place for dinner & that night the 1st time you ever met in real life you had sex. Now about a year into this you have been watching him like a hawk & you managed to decipher his phone code so you invaded his privacy & read some messages to a woman in another country to whom he's indebted. You think he wants to marry her. What? You need more trust, less insecurity & real communication in your relationship. If he's going out with you, introducing you to friends & not hiding calls from you what is making you so paranoid? Are you this suspicious about everyone? I'm really troubled by the idea that you spied on him to learn his code. Who does that? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BeeGirl Posted January 5, 2020 Author Share Posted January 5, 2020 1 hour ago, d0nnivain said: Let me see if I follow. Some guy approached you through social media. He chased you for 6 months while you claimed you two were just friends. Even though you had never met before, you agreed to go to his place for dinner & that night the 1st time you ever met in real life you had sex. Now about a year into this you have been watching him like a hawk & you managed to decipher his phone code so you invaded his privacy & read some messages to a woman in another country to whom he's indebted. You think he wants to marry her. What? You need more trust, less insecurity & real communication in your relationship. If he's going out with you, introducing you to friends & not hiding calls from you what is making you so paranoid? Are you this suspicious about everyone? I'm really troubled by the idea that you spied on him to learn his code. Who does that? Yes you got the story right. I know it’s wrong to enter his phone without permission but I just couldn’t help it..you’re justifying his actions because you are a man and you don’t know how it feels to give someone your all and finally realizes it’s nothing special to him 😩 Link to post Share on other sites
nospam99 Posted January 5, 2020 Share Posted January 5, 2020 @BeeGirl. Sorry. d0nni has been 'here' posting generally helpful advice for a long time. If 'he' is a man, 'his' husband has been VERY mistaken for years. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 5, 2020 Share Posted January 5, 2020 3 hours ago, BeeGirl said: Yes you got the story right. I know it’s wrong to enter his phone without permission but I just couldn’t help it..you’re justifying his actions because you are a man and you don’t know how it feels to give someone your all and finally realizes it’s nothing special to him 😩 I'm a woman as nospam99 gallantly pointed out. I still don't see where you are nothing special to him. He's dating you, right? He spends time with you. He takes you places. The sex is good. He's all over you. You go out together & hold hands. Where's the problem? You said you think he's a player. I got news for you. If he was a player he would have never called you after that 1st sex. Players are hit it & quit it. They don't stick around for a year. So no, he's not a player. You said there are other red flags. What are they? Spell them out so we can either verify your supposition or give you more concrete reasons to calm down. What exactly did these messages to the other woman say? What gave you the impression that he's indebted to her? What does he own her? Why do you think he wants to marry her? None of that is clear in your post. I don't mean to be harsh but I am blunt. If he is a two timing snake, then you walk. Simple as that. Never let somebody suck out all your dignity & joy. But if you are being paranoid, maybe we can give you techniques to improve communication or suggest where you can get professional help for your anxiety / suspicion. Based solely on what you posted which is missing a ton of important details you are the one who appears more unbalanced for the sneaky way you acquired his passcode. Help us to figure out what facts led to your actions. Only then can we give you real guidance. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
HappySenior Posted January 5, 2020 Share Posted January 5, 2020 I agree the word "player" doesn't fit! Is there a word for the type of guy who says "I love you." to any woman who will have sex with him? 'Cause he feels love in the moment (endorphins) but it's not really love, and there's nothing really loyal about it... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted January 5, 2020 Share Posted January 5, 2020 OK this is what I see.....yes he was having an LDR before he met you. But during that time of chatting, it was just friends with you two because he was invested in this woman....you had no commitment to him or attraction, he had no commitment to you, so the both of you were free to do or date anyone. Then things were falling apart with this LDR, so he took a chance with you because he had gotten to know you and liked you. You met, it was amazing. Now he's emotionally confused and needed time to think what he should do. He invested heavily with her, but here you are the perfect catch and you are available. He made the decision to completely end it with the LDR which was probably difficult to do because he was so attached. He dumped her for you, because HE WANTS YOU! it made sense, and it felt right. That is what happened. So stop with this paranoia before you ruin the best thing that has ever happened to you. This guy is for real without a doubt. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
CAPSLOCK BANDIT Posted January 6, 2020 Share Posted January 6, 2020 Most people in the dating scene today like to keep their options open and have many different irons in the fire... The reality of the situation, is that speaking to somebody else, whoever that may be, is completely fine... Most of the time, these other people we speak to, while in a relationship, are in fact just an iron in the fire incase things go bad and at no point are you available, as a partner, to ask this person to just take those irons out of the fire... Yeah, if those irons in the fire were not there, you would feel more comfortable, but only because that gives you more... Power. The fact of the matter, is that you should not be that comfortable in any relationship you have... If you need to feel THAT secure with somebody, it can never work out. Being in a relationship is about opening yourself up to these types of things, but trusting the person enough to respect their decisions. If your trust level with this person is at the point where you need to invade their privacy, this person is just no good for you, plain and simple, whether it be because of you or them, in either case, you need to give them the respect of having their own privacy by trusting them. Sure, there are times when we feel we need to audit that trust, but every time we do, our trust in them is worth less and less to us and is usually reserved for moments where if our trust in this person is misplaced, we could end up in a really bad situation. Ending up with hurt feelings, sure it sucks, but it happens and is a natural part of the dating game. Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted January 6, 2020 Share Posted January 6, 2020 18 hours ago, BeeGirl said: Yes you got the story right. I know it’s wrong to enter his phone without permission but I just couldn’t help it..you’re justifying his actions because you are a man and you don’t know how it feels to give someone your all and finally realizes it’s nothing special to him 😩 Hi BeeGirl, This is your issue right here. You constantly make assumptions. Wrong assumptions. I think smackie9 is spot on. What is he indebted to this woman for? Was there anything inappropriate in their messages? I'm guessing not because you haven't mentioned anything like that. You just saw that, put 2 and 2 together and came up with 10. This out of control paranoia is going to chase away a great thing. Also, violating someones privacy like that is a no no. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 6, 2020 Share Posted January 6, 2020 I think you were wrong to purposely try to find his password and invade his privacy. I am a woman and I would break up with someone who did that. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Daisydooks Posted January 6, 2020 Share Posted January 6, 2020 (edited) On 1/5/2020 at 12:19 PM, BeeGirl said: Yes you got the story right. I know it’s wrong to enter his phone without permission but I just couldn’t help it..you’re justifying his actions because you are a man and you don’t know how it feels to give someone your all and finally realizes it’s nothing special to him 😩 This is the most insane reply ever. She is a woman. She has also probably given her all to someone like her husband 10 hours ago, stillafool said: I think you were wrong to purposely try to find his password and invade his privacy. I am a woman and I would break up with someone who did that. If you were cheating and they found something, would you still end it? Just curious. No right or wrong answer here. Edited January 6, 2020 by Daisydooks Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 7, 2020 Share Posted January 7, 2020 Yes if I were cheating and he found something that would be the end of it. Because if I'm cheating I'm on my way out anyway and the snooping would be even more reason to go. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted January 12, 2020 Share Posted January 12, 2020 On 1/5/2020 at 10:16 AM, BeeGirl said: Hi I’m in a very tight situation as my boyfriend of 1 year I think got somebody else. First of all this guy dm me on Instagram wanting to be friends with me but I didn’t have any attraction for him even tho he was a good looking guy and a fitness person. So we would just message each other on Instagram as friends but I realized in his messages he liked me because his moves were obvious. He asked For my number and I gave it to him... We had sex that night and I ended up spending 3 days at his place (that I can’t even believe I did that 😳) so it was like we just started a whole relationship with the other part not proposing. Your boyfriend is right--it's no wonder he's treating you the way he's treating you... cheaters generally tend to get treated like that by the ones they cheated on. Link to post Share on other sites
TeddyBundy1993 Posted January 20, 2020 Share Posted January 20, 2020 Confront him and have some peace of mind. In my opinion he has overlapped with you and left the LDR women, such people can't be trusted much its highly possible years down the line he will overlap on you as well. Not a healthy relationship.. in beginning itself there is doubt you can only imagine what gonna happen when honeymoon phase will wear out Link to post Share on other sites
2BGoodAgain Posted January 20, 2020 Share Posted January 20, 2020 player. move on. players understand what their words does, but they don't understand the meaning in them.... you're being used to make him feel good, but it doesn't have to do with YOU, just how you make him feel. listen to his actions, not his words... and then you see his true motives. Link to post Share on other sites
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