Lizzie472 Posted January 5, 2020 Share Posted January 5, 2020 After a fight late November my husband announced he wanted to divorce. I beg and pleaded to try and work it out but his mind was made up. He moved to the separate bedroom. During the last month and a half I’ve Tried to be patient as he hadn’t moved forward with anything about the divorce. We have been getting along great, hanging out most days. This New Years we had sex. I asked him if he was just using me, he said he isn’t sure what he wants, he wants to talk to a counselor alone. But again he hasn’t made any moves to schedule for himself or anything. at first I thought there must be someone else, but I haven’t been able to find evidence. (Doesn’t mean there isn’t though). To be honest, I’m over it. I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me, who doesn’t even want to try, and I’m not interested in sitting around endlessly waiting for him to maybe decide I’m worth it. Based on our prenup he technically had 10 days to move out after announcing his intentions. I think he is just comfortable, but it’s not fair to me to keep things in limbo, and I’ve tried to be patient. I’m thinking at the end of this month I am going to ask him to move out so I can start healing and moving on. We co own a home, he can afford to move out for a few months. His mom is getting a house In the area soon so I’m thinking he could even move there maybe I should wait til she gets one? Although it will be a Reno) What would be the best way to bring this up? Should I get separation papers together? I’m kind of annoyed I would have to pay for them when this was his doing. Anyone been in this position? Thanks for any insight Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted January 5, 2020 Share Posted January 5, 2020 Go see an attorney and know what you're facing first. There are probably a lot of things you haven't thought of. It's worth the money to pay for professional advice from someone who knows how the process works in your jurisdiction. You may have to be the one who hires the attorney and files, but the costs can be negotiated in the divorce settlement, for example by offsetting the amount you are awarded from your joint accounts. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lizzie472 Posted January 5, 2020 Author Share Posted January 5, 2020 (edited) Hello, I actually went and saw an attorney for a consult when he first started this. Our separation will be pretty straight forward as there is no alimony or children involved and we have a prenup (thank god I pushed for it!). The main thing we would need to decide is the house. Which I think the best would be to sell as I think we would both eventually move out of the area. Our state dictates we would need to be separated 6 months prior to finalizing divorce. I plan to remain in the house during this period to get things/myself together. After that we sell, sign, and go our separate ways. Edited January 5, 2020 by Lizzie472 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 5, 2020 Share Posted January 5, 2020 I was kind of on the fence like your husband. My now ex told me how my indecision was hurting him and I then had an epiphany and moved out that morning. Regarding costs, you'll both need lawyers - and unless your prenup states otherwise - you'd each be responsible for your own legal costs. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lizzie472 Posted January 5, 2020 Author Share Posted January 5, 2020 Yep, I’ve come to terms with the fact no decision, is a decision. Just trying to figure out the best way/ timing at this point. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 6, 2020 Share Posted January 6, 2020 Since the process takes time, I'd get started if you're sure it's what you want. Though I'm not sure about your assumption you'd be the one to remain in the house if co-owned... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted January 6, 2020 Share Posted January 6, 2020 (edited) 11 hours ago, Lizzie472 said: I plan to remain in the house during this period to get things/myself together. After that we sell, sign, and go our separate ways. That may be what you plan, but what does he plan? You can't just decide these things unilaterally. It sounds to me that you should be talking to a lawyer about this, since you have a pre-nup which none of us have seen. You mention that since he is the one who wanted divorce, the pre-nup says he has to move out? Well, maybe that is why he hasn't progressed it...? And if he were to simply not do anything, and you were forced to file, what would the pre-nup say then? I don't think an internet forum is the right place to be asking about this. You need professional advice. Edited January 6, 2020 by PegNosePete 3 Link to post Share on other sites
wtm78 Posted January 12, 2020 Share Posted January 12, 2020 On 1/6/2020 at 2:47 AM, Lizzie472 said: After a fight late November my husband announced he wanted to divorce. I beg and pleaded to try and work it out but his mind was made up. He moved to the separate bedroom. During the last month and a half I’ve Tried to be patient as he hadn’t moved forward with anything about the divorce. We have been getting along great, hanging out most days. This New Years we had sex. I asked him if he was just using me, he said he isn’t sure what he wants, he wants to talk to a counselor alone. But again he hasn’t made any moves to schedule for himself or anything. at first I thought there must be someone else, but I haven’t been able to find evidence. (Doesn’t mean there isn’t though). To be honest, I’m over it. I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me, who doesn’t even want to try, and I’m not interested in sitting around endlessly waiting for him to maybe decide I’m worth it. Based on our prenup he technically had 10 days to move out after announcing his intentions. I think he is just comfortable, but it’s not fair to me to keep things in limbo, and I’ve tried to be patient. I’m thinking at the end of this month I am going to ask him to move out so I can start healing and moving on. We co own a home, he can afford to move out for a few months. His mom is getting a house In the area soon so I’m thinking he could even move there maybe I should wait til she gets one? Although it will be a Reno) What would be the best way to bring this up? Should I get separation papers together? I’m kind of annoyed I would have to pay for them when this was his doing. Anyone been in this position? Thanks for any insight Don't make a decision when you are overly emotionally invested. The issue nowadays where people get divorce is just selfishness. When you get married you made a vow to be there through thick and thin. But new age people had cheapened that vow via the convenience of divorce paperwork. Of course, if he hardened his heart and wants to leave you can't make him not to. But since he is still there, the question is why? Of course if you are also certain if leaving then take the harshest and quickest approach. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted January 12, 2020 Share Posted January 12, 2020 Why did he ask for a divorce? That reason kinda dictates how you move forward. If he is involved with someone then you should progress rapidly towards divorce. If you've hurt him, mistreated him or betrayed his trust, you have to allow him time. He is engaged with you, he is enjoying your company so why the rush? Why do you need to control his timeline? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lizzie472 Posted January 12, 2020 Author Share Posted January 12, 2020 (edited) I am not trying to control his timeline, he is the one who has made a decision for the both of us. I made a commitment and I would try counseling even if it’s to try and see IF things are fixable, but he doesn’t want to. his reason for this is that he wants to focus on himself. There’s probably someone else, or maybe it was all for the greencard after all, but why drag this out for myself? Our prenup states the person who decides to end the marriage has 10 days to move out of the co-owned residence. As our state requires 6 months of separation before a divorce and this has caught me off guard (per our agreement, I have previously been dumping all my excess money into repaying student loans so I do not have a significant savings) I need time to save up. He is a Dentist with no student loans and makes plenty to get a separate place for a few months. All our finances (bank credit cards) are separate I don’t want alimony or anything after we go our separate ways. I am not trying to be mean, I just want to start healing. I just want to move on. I asked him to move out earlier this week, asked him to give me a few months in the house to get myself together, haven’t heard anything further. It’s weird because we still spend our time together, he still constantly texts throughout the day, he still asks where I’ve been, what I’ve done during the day, etc. To be honest, I don’t even want to be in the same room as him, I don’t want to be rude/mean so I spend time with him. I just don’t want this limbo anymore, I think cutting unnecessary communication would be easier/healthier for both of us. I've gotten professional advice, and while I hate to be the one to file/pay since I don’t have the extra funds, it may just be what I have to do. Emotionally I’m terrified, just need some kind words/reassurance/guidance. Edited January 12, 2020 by Lizzie472 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Blind-Sided Posted January 14, 2020 Share Posted January 14, 2020 (edited) On 1/11/2020 at 11:01 PM, DKT3 said: ........ He is engaged with you, he is enjoying your company so why the rush? Why do you need to control his timeline? Because living in limbo with the person who is supposed to love you SUCKS !!!!! My ex came to me angry, and basically wanted out, but didn't want to fix it, and wouldn't give me an answer on if she actually wanted to try. Most days you could sit at our dinner table, and not even know there was anything wrong. Or be with us at a family event, and everything was great. But there was no love, and no emotion. I didn't need a "Room mate" that was holding up my life, and holding my heart hostage. I'm sure that's how Lizzie feels too. On 1/12/2020 at 2:50 PM, Lizzie472 said: ............... or maybe it was all for the greencard after all, but why drag this out for myself? ................ . Emotionally I’m terrified, just need some kind words/reassurance/guidance. I'm guessing that is the real reason, and it was good that you got a prenup. I know its scary... but you are doing the right thing. I went trough the same thing just last year. My wife of 20 years one day was just mad, and wanted a divorce. All the reasons she gave were "Fluff", and excuses. Such as, I didn't change enough diapers 12 years ago, or do enough dishes, but she never once actually asked me to help with those things. And when I would say... if I help with more daily stuff, are you going to mow the grass, work on the cars, and maintain the house? Needless to say, her comment to me was... "That's not my responsibility." (like I said, excuses) It's hard, and scary... but once it's done... it will be like a weight has been lifted off your chest. I'm not saying everything will be better, but the biggest hurtle will be removed, and the healing will begin. The day my ex actually moved out, and gave me her key to the house... there was a huge relief. Since you prenup says he should have been out 10 days after he said he wanted a divorce... then I would stick to your guns on that. BUT, with that said... since you were intimate with him... that resets the clock in some states. If it's been more that 10 days... I would tell him to pack up, and get out since you have the legal document on your side. Edited January 14, 2020 by Blind-Sided 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted January 16, 2020 Share Posted January 16, 2020 Seems like perhaps he didn't know what he wanted or just "needed space" but didn't realize that's all it was, and now the whole thing has gotten under your skin. Ooops. It will not shock me overmuch if, as this become imminent, he suddenly turns and wants to try to work it out. I could certainly be wrong. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lizzie472 Posted January 17, 2020 Author Share Posted January 17, 2020 Well, since I pay the phone bill I can see he spoke to the lawyer today, so I am assuming papers are coming soon. Slightly relieved but still a bit of a gut punch. I’m scared of the change about to come my way. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted January 17, 2020 Share Posted January 17, 2020 I think you're being vague on why he all of a sudden asked for a divorce. You say see if we can work it out, if its fixable both no indication of what you're looking to work out or fix. As I said moving forward is dependent upon why you're in this position. Even if you divorce, understanding why this went sour is useful information in your future relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lizzie472 Posted January 17, 2020 Author Share Posted January 17, 2020 (edited) It’s a tale as old as old as time. Different love languages I suppose. Not feeling important to each other Leading to fights. I thought there were more good times than bad but he disagrees. He just says he wants to focus on himself. That’s about as much as an explanation as i have gotten. No abuse, no affairs that I know of. I don’t know if it’s fixable or if we are just too different, but when one person doesn’t even want to try, it doesn’t really matter. Or like I said previously, maybe it was for the greencard after all and he played me well. Edited January 17, 2020 by Lizzie472 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted January 17, 2020 Share Posted January 17, 2020 Now we can be more comfortable giving our opinions. Yeah, I would say either it was the green card or he had different expectations vs reality. The problem now is he is your responsibility for what, 10 years? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lizzie472 Posted January 17, 2020 Author Share Posted January 17, 2020 Technically yes, but he is a doctor, so I don’t think he will be on assistance any time soon. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted January 17, 2020 Share Posted January 17, 2020 In no expert on it, but I believe if you can prove he had ILL intentions you can have him deported. Even that takes several years. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lizzie472 Posted January 17, 2020 Author Share Posted January 17, 2020 no I don’t want to do that to him. I’m not vengeful or angry, just really really really hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
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