How to deal with office bullies and be more assertive?

[Jen2287]

To preface, this has just been *my* experience and I don't want to generalize. 

In my current workplace, as well as previous workplaces, there is a woman in her 60s and a younger male coworker in his 20s. They are snarky, passive-aggressive, and bully those who they view as "weak" or "beneath them". (ie: They would never do this to stronger personalities or higher-ups.) They both gossip and love to start drama. 

The male coworker is hostile and manages to target me as his victim. The one at my work has some authority over me and the boss adores him as well, so I can't do much. From day one, he was already acting like I was to blame for something, and whatever it is, it’s demonstrably triggering for him. 

The woman is no prize and is the very definition of passive-aggressive and alternates between "mean girl" and "office mom." She gaslights me and switches between insulting me and praising me. The boss also holds her in high regard, so again, nothing can be done. She'll tattle on me to the boss even if it's minor (ie: "Jen doesn't look happy." or "Jen is giving dirty looks." When I'm just sitting at my desk working. My boss then calls me into the office and asks what is wrong- I don't know!)

I don’t get it at all. If you don’t like somebody at your office, you can just avoid talking to them when you don’t have to. Saying mean things and going out of your way to make somebody else’s life harder is just so much work that you don’t really get anything back from.

Any advice on staying sane in an environment like this until I can find another job and get out?

 

[JTSW]

Hi Jen,

Wow, do you work at my office? lol

I have a manager who is the biggest bully.

Luckily she really likes me so we get on well (we didn't use to and have had many fallouts which were hell).

She bad mouths people behind their back and has been downright mean to at least everyone here.

Yet she plays the victim.

It's a small company and we have no HR department.

Do you have a managing director that you can talk to? 

If not, the best you can do is just remain happy and polite around everyone and find something new as soon as you can.

When they ask your reason for leaving you can let rip on everything.

[missingu]

I have had all sorts of things said to and screamed at me from my own employees. I have one who is extremely manipulative and almost narcissistic. She is a nasty piece of work but always manages to play the victim and get people to feel sorry for her. 2 minutes later she will gossip about apparent "friends" to anyone who will listen. Makes me laugh. some people are so naive. I used to get upset but now i realized the best way i can deal with people like this is to ignore them. Anytime she is looking to create drama or for a response i ignore her. She is draining and has no life, i do and i don't care about people who are jealous of me anymore. That's right, plain old jealousy.

I have another who almost competes with me. I don't know where this competition comes from. I never had a problem or was jealous of her. Especially when I just say something to a male coworker, she always has to repeat what i say or top me in some way it's weird as I'm just doing my job. I've never experienced anything like it. 

My advice would be just ignore them and don't let them make you make massive life decisions that don't concern them. You are there to work. I know it can be very hard, but you can't let people like that win. Just be as happy and friendly as you can and trust me they will HATE it. 

[d0nnivain]

Document, document, document.  Make sure you can back up how well you do your job & any threats they make.  Then step up your search for a new job

[K.K.]

You know how I dealt with it when they kept mistaking my kindness for weakness? Which is what it is. Niceness equals no respect in this world sometimes. It may not work in an office environment with all of the soft whispering voices and pc stuff. But who knows.

In my case, knowing the unwritten rule of “Snitches get stitches” it would be a death sentence to go to a superior. You have to handle it on your own. 

I finally went the f*** off SOOO hard on those bitches, that they NEVER bothered me again. To this day, it’s all “Oh hi Kk!! Is it ok if I put my stuff down here Kk? Would you like some of my twizzlers, KK? “ 

It’s a respect thing. You HAVE to stand up for YOURSELF if you are to get any from your coworkers. 

🙂 

[missingu]

10 hours ago, K.K. said:

You know how I dealt with it when they kept mistaking my kindness for weakness? Which is what it is. Niceness equals no respect in this world sometimes. It may not work in an office environment with all of the soft whispering voices and pc stuff. But who knows.

In my case, knowing the unwritten rule of “Snitches get stitches” it would be a death sentence to go to a superior. You have to handle it on your own. 

I finally went the f*** off SOOO hard on those bitches, that they NEVER bothered me again. To this day, it’s all “Oh hi Kk!! Is it ok if I put my stuff down here Kk? Would you like some of my twizzlers, KK? “ 

It’s a respect thing. You HAVE to stand up for YOURSELF if you are to get any from your coworkers. 

🙂 

100% true. I had a similar issue. I actually Got so mad that I never went off on anyone at work like that before. Funny thing is she hated it, she tried to scare me by getting in my face but backed off when i made it clear i won't put up with her s*** anymore and i refused to back down. Now she's nice as pie. It's empowering when people like that are put in their place. In this case it's not that I'm too nice, it's that im normally quiet and don't say much. People mistake it for weakness and then are shocked and embarrassed when my temper comes out in front of all their peers because they've pushed me to my limit. 

You must stand up for yourself. No one else will coz no one else cares. 

[The Outlaw]

Not much you can do other than stand up to them, but only when they LEAST expect it. Most won't know how to react and back off because they've lost their 'power' over you. Put them in their place and at the end of the day, they'll crawl home with their tails tucked firmly between their legs looking like idiots.