Psychological pain/guilt/anger from fetishes

[Complicated man]

I confess, with great difficulty:

 

I have imagined the idea of a woman dominantly sitting on my face,even nude. Now that bothers me, how can I like that? b/c we all know what comes out of the posterior end of any living mammal; and plus a woman can have flatulence and hygiene issues so wtf is wrong w/ me?

 

When I imagine a woman calling me things like "slave" and acting bossy in this context,it excites me, wtf is wrong w/ me?

 

I saw bad mpegs of women and men licking women's butts and private parts submissively like on badtushy.com or meanbitches.com and I found that exciting. Wtf is wrong w/ me? Even the facesitting isn;t as bad, but to find the scenes of licking butts arousing, that's pretty bad.

 

 

- I never used to find all of this masochistic BS exciting,but as my porn habit (started when I was a teen) progressed,I started to find it exciting.

 

-I have never physically carried out any of the fetishes, for eg. when I see a real woman and I imaginehersitting on my face, I am repelled w/ the thought, I mean she may have flatulence and hygiene problems so the good thing is that its exciting only in my imagination, which means there's no way I would actually in real life let a woman sit on my face,but it still bothers me that I even consciously chose to imagine such submission and humiliation; it has all been in my imagination, but it still causes me keen pain.

 

And it further bothers me that I enjoyed watching the licking of the butts- I can't forgive myself EVER for these things, I feel like I've committed a wrong that I can NEVER right, even by just imagining these things; so I have NO idea how the male and female actors who actually degrade themselves by making these bdsm porno films are able to live w/ themselves. I feel guilt, I feel shame, and I feel anger at the porn industry for luring me into this when I was just a teen, just a naive, innocent kid. And the worst thing is, all my anger and my pain won't affect the porn industry ONE DAMN BIT. And even if I try to sue, you think my voice will make any diff? There are thousands of victims like me who have tried to sue, appeal, whatever, but the loopholes of supposed "freedom" have let the porn industry off the hook in each case and continue their reign of corrupting the minds of innocent victim.The idea that I am completely helpless to make the porn industry suffer punishment for their crimes just angers me even more- like I'm just a helpless victim, another casualty...

 

One thing that still doesn;t make sense to me is: why, if I find these masochisms utterly repulsive in reality, do I still find them exciting in my imagination? Why that distinction? Should I not find it repulsive in imagination also then? Could it be that my brain recognizes that b/c the imaginings are not real, that it interprets those imaginings in a totally radically altered way so that really what's happening is that my unconscious and/or subconscious mind(s) use the "woman's butt on my face" image as a mere mechanical symbol, as a metaphor, for submission- which then triggers the sympathetic nervous system arousal cascade- which is already a preformed auto-pilot rxn?, So then that would mean, that its not the woman's butt on the face that's really arousing, its the concept of vivid submission behind that imaginary act that is the real excitement trigger. But is this just an elaborate lie I tell myself to guard against the pain?

 

The point is, I feel guilt everyday, and I feel like I've disrespected myself by liking and deliberately imagining these masochistic things- I just cannot believe why I would like to put myself down like this ("honour lost can never be regained" right?) , and I can't bear it, I have even tried denying it, I have, as I already said, tried telling myself that its just my unconscious and/or subconscious mind interpreting the stimuli in a totally different way and making associations between arousal and pain/humiliation/submission which then in turn triggers the arousal cascade- but then I don't know if these are all just lies I tell to myself as an alternate defense mechanism to guard against the unbearable psychological burden that has been created for myself. But it still catches up w/ me, and I don't know how to handle this enormous psychological pain, guilt, anger, and burden and that's all I wanted to say...

[JadeStar]

You asked, "why do I find them exciting in my imagination when in reality they repulse me?"

 

 

Sounds like a possible addiction to fetishes. Theres nothing wrong with fetishes and we all have certain things we like/dislike. Some peoples are a little more in depth than others as far as what some people find ok and others not ok. I think if this is something that really bothers you, then maybe you need to seek counseling to get to the root of why you feel the way you do. Its ok to have fantasies etc, but when it turns into something you feel you can not get out of your mind at all then, there may be a deeper issue going on.

 

 

 

Jade

[Outcast]

and it further bothers me that I enjoyed watching the licking of the butts

 

If you search this site, you'll find that people have discussed this practice on LS and that several members enjoy both giving and receiving this.

 

Perfectly normal people do all those things. They're only 'repulsive' or 'disgusting' if you don't enjoy them or you force someone who doesn't enjoy them to do them.

 

Ideally, your face decoration will have cleansed herself prior to being seated; I don't know what 'hygiene problems' you're talking about because if it's about cleanliness it's pretty easy to ask someone to shower first. So there's not anything all that 'repulsive' about that.

 

Same goes for being called names, etc. It's fine if you find someone else it's fine with.

 

However it seems you find you are prone to developing fetishes from looking at porn. If this is the case, please be careful and avoid the really bad stuff - you know, kids, animals, violence that's not for pleasure, etc.

[lilmoma1973]

Maybe you do have a fetish for this type of thing and you want to do this.. I don't know maybe all the porn watching is messing with your head .. I heard that when people get into porn it can make them want to go to more extreme things than you are viewing because maybe it isn't satisfying their need that they are craving and wanting more .. Good Luck hope you figure it all out

[Complicated man]

On the note of the last few replies, I found some shocking evidence relating to your guys' view of the desensitization that happens w/ porn. Its not like I never knew that porn was a problem. I have known for quite a while that this habit is destructive; the problem, as any confessing porn addict can attest to, is that I'm having one HELL of a time kicking the habit. The fact that I'm 23, w/ the testosterone at toxic levels doesn;t help the addiction one bit. Even if I do resist porn for a while, then at university the dreaded hiphugger curves and ass cleavage from lowrise jeans are there to greet me. If I avoid the ass cleavage, THEN the chest cleavage problem is there to haunt me. IF I bypass both respective cleavages and refuse to let my eyes fall on the female waistline and chest, then I hear guys and girls talking about this subject and making casual sexual jokes every now and then. If even then I persist, then I come home, turn on the TV and every fricken channel and sitcom again brings up the subject of sex. Don't even get me started on MuchMusic. SO, this leaves only two possible solutions:

 

A) Blinding myself- ie. literally picking my eyes out

 

or,

 

B) Retreating to a cave in the mountains, and abandoning society altogether.

 

Anyway, I found this shocking part of an article, which everyone, not only me, should know about the tricks the porn industry plays, taken from url:

 

contentwatch.com/learn-center/article.php?id=140:

 

 

 

"Dominance, Aggression, and Violence in Male-Centered Porn

 

As discussed previously, the more cellular memories (biological and physiological processes) that pornographers can link their porn to throughout the male brain and body, the greater chance they have of addicting their viewers. And the more naturally occurring drugs/hormones (especially testosterone, but also adrenaline, epinephrine, and others) flowing in the male mindbody during viewing, the more narrow will be his focus, the more intense his sexual/mindbody arousal, the more deeply the images will be imprinted in his memory, and the greater his addiction.

 

Pornographers achieve this combination of a high number of mindbody links and maximum drug/hormone release by mixing sexual images with male dominance, aggression and violent images intended to shock and stimulate simultaneously. Porn scenes ranging from simple “male in control” to aggression, rape, torture and murder, abound in Internet porn geared to the male viewer.

 

These kinds of images link sexual arousal in the male mindbody with emotions of shock, anger, confusion, violence and domination which cause the male mindbody to release enormous amounts of additional testosterone, which further increase male narrowing, loss of reason, feelings of aggression, and sexual drive and arousal.

 

High amounts of adrenaline and other chemicals are released as the male mindbody switches into “fight or flight” mode. Why does this happen? Because the mindbody is experiencing so much stimulus and physiological activity at once, that it cannot adapt to it fast enough. In other words, the male mindbody goes into stress. Internet porn of this ilk creates a chain reaction in the male mindbody with hundreds of hormonal, chemical, emotional, physiological and biological processes all converging at once!

 

The male viewer is not only addicted to simple sexual arousal, but this arousal is linked to mindbody processes that would never be normally linked to the sexual process. Talk about addiction at a whole new level! This would be like a drug addict shooting up with a dozen different hard-core drugs all at once."

[Yada Woman]

You are on a 'false guilt trip' my friend. You are a mammal yes, but you are also known as a "human being". Even in the animal world, the FIRST thing they do is 'sniff' the other's behind. Yeah, yeah, yeah...I know..sounds awful, but natural all the same.

 

You have to remember too that ALL of us have 'fantasies'... and the strange thing with a fantasy is that often times the "fanasty is better than the real thing...So... if you WERE to actually "do" what you imagine, it might take your fantasy away all together.