Coping or Closure?

[Steve40th396]

When coping with a separation or divorce, are we really trying to cope with it, or just get answers for closure.

I have a million questions for my wife, but I know it will just push her away. But, if she is dead set on divorce after our separation, what harm could it do, If I asked for closure on a lot of questions?

 

[stillafool]

You can ask her but even if she gives you answers you will not find closure through them.  You have to give yourself closure.  I wanted to divorce before my separation from my first husband and he continued to send letters asking questions for closure.  The more I answered the more questions he had which ended in me just throwing the letters away because I didn't want to read anymore.  If your wife is dead set on divorce, as I was, it's over.

[Steve40th396]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

You can ask her but even if she gives you answers you will not find closure through them.  You have to give yourself closure.  I wanted to divorce before my separation from my first husband and he continued to send letters asking questions for closure.  The more I answered the more questions he had which ended in me just throwing the letters away because I didn't want to read anymore.  If your wife is dead set on divorce, as I was, it's over.

SHe is not dead set on divorce. Right now she wants to file for separation and see how things go. I am a very good provider( not financially, just getting things done and family stuff, we live apart too), and I think that she doesnt want to lose that, but she has a wall up right now, a very hardened heart to me. Maybe seeing actual papers is going to be a catalyst to divorce, or not. No one knows the mysteries of a woman or a man hurt in a relationship.

[2BGoodAgain]

1 hour ago, Steve40th396 said:

When coping with a separation or divorce, are we really trying to cope with it, or just get answers for closure.

I have a million questions for my wife, but I know it will just push her away. But, if she is dead set on divorce after our separation, what harm could it do, If I asked for closure on a lot of questions?

 

it really depends on the person. some people are ok not knowing, some people THINK they want to know, but in reality, they don't... an others, really need to know...

one way you may encourage her to speak honestly with you, is tell her... you'll sign these divorce papers, you're not refuting that, but allow you the courtesy/respect of answering questions you have...  create a safe place for her to answer you honestly, but regardless, you have to re-assure her that you'll sign the papers... 

if you create

1) a safe place for her to speak honestly, without judgement or recriminations

2) promise a divorce, regardless of her answers

3) stay calm and just collect the answers.

 

but if you feel you may get angry or upset or lash out, don't.... as others have said, sometimes the answers don't = closure. 

 

also, b/c some of her answers may incriminate her or cause her problems during a divorce... she may not be forthcoming with her answers. be aware of that.

[stillafool]

I'm sorry I thought she wanted a divorce. If you are supporting her financially and helping her out while separated and she is giving you a cold shoulder simply stay away from her.  Only talk to her about the kids (if you have any) but stay away.  Let her see what it's like not to have you around to talk to or lean on.  That is the only way she will miss you. Stop kissing her butt or she'll lose all respect for you.  Treat her the way she treats you.  If you stay away she will wonder why, will think you're with someone else, get jealous and want you back.  Try it.

[Steve40th396]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

I'm sorry I thought she wanted a divorce. If you are supporting her financially and helping her out while separated and she is giving you a cold shoulder simply stay away from her.  Only talk to her about the kids (if you have any) but stay away.  Let her see what it's like not to have you around to talk to or lean on.  That is the only way she will miss you. Stop kissing her butt or she'll lose all respect for you.  Treat her the way she treats you.  If you stay away she will wonder why, will think you're with someone else, get jealous and want you back.  Try it.

Okay, makes sense. She does call and she does ask to go to lunch allot, and such. We see each other about 2 to 4 times a week. I dont support her financially, other than health care, TRICARE and car insurance.. Everything else, her rent, bills 2 car payments, she is on her own. She is independent of me for the most part.

[stillafool]

Yeah well if she's calling a lot and asking to go to lunch 2 to 4 times a week she's still invested.  Don't continue to ask her back if she is the one who asked for the separation. The next time she calls for lunch tell her you can't because you are working out with a friend (if this would be something you could do during your lunch hour).  That will let her know that you are now getting in shape and she will wonder who the friend is, don't tell her.    Mystery creates attraction.

[d0nnivain]

Steve40th396 

Thank you for your service. 

If your wife is pushing for a separation she is ripping the band-aid off slowly.  She's not confused.  She is just being vague & leading you on.  She still wants certain things from you -- like health insurance -- but she no longer wants to be married.  She wants a divorce but economically knows she has to drag this out.  You want her back & think time is on your side.  It's not.  Sticking around & acquiescing to what she wants & letting her dictate terms is not going to win her heart. 

As much as you want to press her for answers, you won't get any that satisfy you.  Even if she says something like she stopped loving you, you will want to know why.  She probably doesn't have the words for that.  It could be a lot of small things that added up over time.  All she knows is she's unhappy.  Alas some of it is probably your service; it's tough being a military spouse.  

stillafool is absolutely right that closure comes from within.  

While your STBX is pussy footing around talking about separation only perhaps you can leverage that to say OK but only if we get marriage counseling to make this work.  If she won't agree to try & make a real effort on fixing what is wrong, don't drag this out.   

[Steve40th396]

3 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Steve40th396 

Thank you for your service. 

If your wife is pushing for a separation she is ripping the band-aid off slowly.  She's not confused.  She is just being vague & leading you on.  She still wants certain things from you -- like health insurance -- but she no longer wants to be married.  She wants a divorce but economically knows she has to drag this out.  You want her back & think time is on your side.  It's not.  Sticking around & acquiescing to what she wants & letting her dictate terms is not going to win her heart. 

As much as you want to press her for answers, you won't get any that satisfy you.  Even if she says something like she stopped loving you, you will want to know why.  She probably doesn't have the words for that.  It could be a lot of small things that added up over time.  All she knows is she's unhappy.  Alas some of it is probably your service; it's tough being a military spouse.  

stillafool is absolutely right that closure comes from within.  

While your STBX is pussy footing around talking about separation only perhaps you can leverage that to say OK but only if we get marriage counseling to make this work.  If she won't agree to try & make a real effort on fixing what is wrong, don't drag this out.   

We talked. She is going to get quotes this week on health care. She is also taking the car insurance for her car and the odlest daughter. I will take the youngest and provide her healthcare through tricare till she is done with college.

She makes more money than me.

We need to see how to get her name off of the mortgage, even though we will sell and split equity.

[d0nnivain]

Well I'm glad you talked.  Although it sounds like she's done, at least you are moving forward.  

Hang in there.