The limits of friendship

[AMarriedMan]

Friendship can be valuable thing. Ideally, friendship is a human relationship whose value to us (and the other party) is wholly intrinsic, that is, there is no external benefit to be derived from the relationship whatsoever. Friends are good for getting things off your chest, hanging out and sharing things that interest you both. What's particularly great about friendship is that it is not an institution like an intimate partnership is. Friendship is completely informal and if two friends no longer see eye to eye on what's important, they can unceremoniously spend less time with each other and fade away completely from each other's lives.

I have had a few good friendships in my life. One guy I knew over thirty years and spent a lot of time with the frequency ebbing and flowing with change in circumstances in our lives. We had a lot of common starting from certain common interests and our sense of humor in particular. But we also had certain temperamental differences and differences in world view. In the year before last, one of the differences in our world views became a problem for him and it blew up in a hostile outburst or a series of a handful of them. It happened in view of a group of our mutual friends and acquaintances. I live in a different locality than my now ex-friend and I was told by the others that he had been acting somewhat erratically on a few occasions before that for his own reasons that I'm aware of. I contacted him once about a year afterwards and asked if we could meet when I was visiting his locality and he agreed. But it seemed oddly difficult for him to arrange a time. I could only spend an hour at his place before I had to leave (which detail he knew in advance). The meeting felt somewhat awkward as in I felt as if I had to watch what I'd say. I'm glad I did meet him one last time on a much more positive note than the outbursts. But I have no desire to rekindle the friendship despite missing some of the good times we had. I'm a very extroverted person and I have never had any difficulty making new friends.

Another curious case took place just a few weeks ago. In my current locality, I'd made a new friend a few years ago. We got a long fine and he introduced me to a couple of new hobbies. It seems that he considered me a trustworthy friend to confide in. I was always more careful about freely talking about my issues with him based on my prior experiences. I have, in fact, mentioned him a few times before in other threads here. What happened was another case of shaky mental health and my expressing an honest opinion about a topic not related to anyone personally but which had in this case very minor financial implications concerning my friend. I didn't start the exchange that led to us falling out - or more like him acting in an irrationally emotional fashion. It was a discussion online in which I was responding to a message by a third party. Thinking back what happened in the course of the last couple of years, I recall a few instances of my friend expressing what I can only think of as hostility stemming from envy. 

In fact, now that I think about it, there was a third case of a now ex-friend behaving in a dickish manner toward me about 15-20 years ago, as a result of which I had to cut him off.

What I've learned about my experiences is to be much more careful about sizing people up and deciding the limits of our discourse before relaxing and saying what I really think or talking too much about my personal issues. I think the best course of action may actually be to more efficiently compartmentalize my friendships and other non-intimate relationships. It may best to find confidantes to share the most personal stuff on the internet. If a such a person does not know who you are and lives in a different country, there is little risk of them knowing a whole bunch of very personal stuff coming back to bite you in case your friendship with them goes sour. Better yet, share different issues with different friends so as to engage in a kind of pre-emptive damage control.

The idea of baring your whole soul and all the s*** in your life to another person is too idealistic in my opinion. Individual people in the walking world as well as on the internet are best thought of as partially compatible at best. We all have blind spots in our understanding, values that limit what we can accept and only so much we can be interested in.

[schlumpy]

Interesting viewpoint if a bit esoteric and emotionless.

At this moment in my life I do not have any close friends. There is a high school friend I email a few a times a month. He lives in Minnesota which a good ways from Ohio. Our interaction is necessarily limited to common memories and current events. Perhaps it's the length of our association that keeps us talking.

Locally, I have one work friend that I get together for lunch with occasionally. I noticed that last time I saw him we are starting to fade. It's been four years since I retired.

Unlike you, I'm an introvert. I have a low tolerance for group conversations and interactions. I usually find myself wandering off to a quiet corner where I can observe people and see where my thoughts take me. It could take someone up to a year to get me to drop all the barriers.

Internet friends come and go. The are a transient bunch and a real emotional connection is difficult to establish. One minute everything seems fine and then silence. It can be a mild surprise but I rarely resent it. I just assume they had their reasons and let it go at that. We all have only so much time to devote to friends that I understand the need to be selective about who we choose to confide in.

I enjoyed reading your thesis on friendship. It gave something to think about.