Dad passed away and gf made it about her?

[jeff0011]

My last remaining parent passed a month ago. I am a full time dad with a 7 yr old. 
 

My father lives about 13 hours away.  So I made the drive up, arranged the funeral, handled the estate, helped his girlfriend,  etc. 

My GF works full time  but she is off Wednesday’s   So while I was up there, Tuesday am, she texted this odd idea   She said “after work Tuesday night I will drive up, pick up some of your dads things to help, then drive back and go to work Thursday”

I politely declined for many reasons.  I would never want her to drive basically 26 hours straight and in snow.  It just felt odd for her to come just to cart my dads things back home etc

She kept insisting. But then she started with “oh yoj don’t want me to be a part of your family?”  So at that point I am even more irritated as I have to deal with this death AND her.

During the next few days she keeps making comments like “oh  you don’t like me “”oh you don’t want to be with me” “oh you didn’t text much today”  And then when I told her about my inheritance she said “oh, are you going to pay off my debt?”  
 

Then the minute I get back home (after driving 13 hours), she starts with “ well you didn’t make plans to see me yet. So I will be busy for the next week or so. I will leave you alone” That night she also sent a long break up email.  

I do see her, and she is cold as ice.  Saying  we won’t be together etc.  This is the game she always seems to play to want me to then say something like “oh I love you.  Let’s be together”  etc .  But at this point I wan over it.  
 

We saw each other a few more times and each time she would again, say things like “ oh, you will find a new hotter girlfriend”   “Oh you never loved me”  etc etc  

so I just got sick of it all and truly stopped seeing her.  Then she sent a long email telling me how I broke her heart  And she always new I would .

Did I do something that wrong? Is she immature? Red flag for some other issues?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[d0nnivain]

I am so sorry for your loss. 

At best your GF doesn't feel secure about her place in your life.  I think she offered to come up because she wanted to support you in some way.  Personally I think she should have taken the week off from work to travel with you & hold your hand at the funeral if she really wanted to be there for you.  But her offer was her small way of trying.  I also understand why you didn't want her to drive all that way in snow by herself.  

The rest of it is all her being petty & insecure.  The gall of her to ask if you would pay her debt is disgusting.  That alone would make me take a long hard look at whether I wanted to keep her in my life.  She will probably always been attention seeking & in need of validation.  Do you really want a lifetime of having to reassure her?  

[jeff0011]

Exactly.   She needs constant validation and attention.  It just became magnified for me once my father passed. 
 

And she brought up the money again. “I thought you would offer to pay off my debt but I will never see any of that money”. exact line in the email. None of her debt is related to me at all.  

And when I asked her to stop making it all about her it led to her going off.  Swearing. Etc  

And in the end she fails to realize that her actions pushed me away.  

 

 

[d0nnivain]

Then just be done. It's harsh but sometimes losing somebody close to us makes us re-evaluate other aspects of her life.   That line about her never seeing any of the money -- OMG!  how freaking entitled.  

Again, my condolences but I wish you the very best going forward.  

[lurker74]

I think that you both left something to be desired in the communication department. It was nice of her to offer to drive up and she probably felt invalidated when you insisted that she not. I understand why you didn't want her to drive but it is likely in her mind that she was trying to be there for you and was rejected. You can argue that she shouldn't have felt rejected but she has a right to her feelings, even if you don't believe they were justified. But once she felt rejected, she didn't communicate that directly; she became passive-aggressive and then aggressive-aggressive, probably hoping that you would work to mollify her. That is incredibly poor communication on her part; I know, because that has been my weakness as well.

I don't know anything about the debt; if it's sincere, then it's crazy but it reads like a joke.

Honestly, if you have feelings for her, there seems to be some ground for reconciliation. But in order to do so, you both have to communicate your honest feelings. And I would not blame you at all if this situation made you feel like it's the perfect time to exit.

I am sorry for your loss. It is sad, scary, and disheartening when you lose your second parent; it is a different type of loneliness, but one that fades in time.

[PegNosePete]

Sorry for your loss.

Wow, what a total... (fill in the blank) your "GF" is. I put quotes because she doesn't deserve the title. I wouldn't treat my worst enemy as she has treated you.

Someone who treats you like that, when you need help and support. She certainly showed her colours. I would never speak to her again.

 

[jeff0011]

As for the drive, I know her. 
 

if I wouldn’t be all smiley and happy it would turn into “I drove all the way here and you aren’t happy to see me?” Or it would arise in the near future “I drove all the way up to help you! And you didn’t do x,y,z”.  it’s sort of her style to do extreme things, then bring then up in the future.  
 

As for her debt, it’s school, credit card, car etc.  I am much better with money.  She makes good money but more or less wastes it. So even if I did pay her debt, in 6 months she would be in the same spot.   
 

I personally couldn’t imagine asking for her parents money the day they are buried. 
 

 

[Daisydooks]

I'm really sorry. I lost my dad 2 years ago this May and I was devastated. Classic Daddys girl here!! 👋🏻 He was diagnosed with cancer April 16th and died on May 18th so it was very quick. All I wanted to do was be alone. I didnt want to be with my fiance, my mother, my brother... I know it hurt my fiance when I said I didnt want him coming into the city to spend the night but all I wanted was the world to stop and everyone to shut up and leave me be.  He sent me an large pizza with triple cheese and bacon, and 2 lbs of chicken wings so I would eat and he left me alone. I've always dealt with things by being alone and getting my head straight, and this was no different. I didnt want hugs and to be bugged. Not even from my own family. I just wanted everyone to go away for a few days. 

I literally crawled into my bed and hung out with my cats going from tears to wailing in tears. To say I was devastated was an understatement. 

If you do respond to her, tell her she is a selfish twat waffle and you have no time for her nonsense. Has she once asked how you were doing through all this? Or has she just made it all about her entirely? 

I am absolutely appalled at her behaviour here and you have every reason not to subject you or your 7 year old to her nonsense. You now see the red flags glaring at you... trust you gut and leave her be. She is bad news and a headache 

Edited January 6, 2020 by Daisydooks

[stillafool]

I'm so sorry you lost your Dad, it's rough.  Now you should lose this gf before she drives you nuts. 

How dare she ask you to pay off her debt!!!!  MAJOR RED FLAG

 No, just No!

Edited January 6, 2020 by stillafool

[jeff0011]

19 minutes ago, Daisydooks said:

I'm really sorry. I lost my dad 2 years ago this May and I was devastated. Classic Daddys girl here!! 👋🏻 He was diagnosed with cancer April 16th and died on May 18th so it was very quick. All I wanted to do was be alone. I didnt want to be with my fiance, my mother, my brother... I know it hurt my fiance when I said I didnt want him coming into the city to spend the night but all I wanted was the world to stop and everyone to shut up and leave me be.  

Exactly.  And she could not understand that.  
 

in the past she was always like that, but now with a major thing all she thinks of is how it relates to her.  And in the most negative way.  Always the most negative. 
 

And she has a way of twisting.  The morning I am back saying “oh. Well you didn’t make plans with me so I will be busy for a while”. 
 

That really irritated me the most.   Thanks for “being there”.  In which I would have to play some long game entailing “No please.  I miss you. I love you.  Can I please see you” Etc etc 

[Daisydooks]

I would be livid. At the time I wanted to be alone anyway, so all her behaviour would have done is pushed me away also. I wouldn't have even honoured a conversation whatsoever. I may even consider blocking her to be quite honest. Her behaviour was rude, entitled and wrong. She practiced zero compassion and then defended it. 

[alphamale]

sorry for the loss of your dad, when you are feeling better look for another more mature gf

[lurker74]

51 minutes ago, jeff0011 said:

As for the drive, I know her. 
 

if I wouldn’t be all smiley and happy it would turn into “I drove all the way here and you aren’t happy to see me?” Or it would arise in the near future “I drove all the way up to help you! And you didn’t do x,y,z”.  it’s sort of her style to do extreme things, then bring then up in the future.  
 

As for her debt, it’s school, credit card, car etc.  I am much better with money.  She makes good money but more or less wastes it. So even if I did pay her debt, in 6 months she would be in the same spot.   
 

I personally couldn’t imagine asking for her parents money the day they are buried. 
 

 

Then it sounds like there were pre-existing issues with her, so then yes, you should just move on. You say that you know her and then spend two paragraphs describing how incompatible she is...so look at her behavior as a convenient reason to cleanly break things off and move on.

[FMW]

I'm sorry for your loss, losing your only remaining parent is a huge thing. 

Your girlfriend sounds like a big ball of insecurities and selfishness.  And expecting you to pay off her debt, much less bringing it up at that time, is unbelievably crass.  You did nothing wrong, and yes there are red flags aplenty.  Put her behind you and don't have any further contact with her.  

[Ruby Slippers]

I'm sorry about the loss of your dad.

Her asking you to pay off her debt with your inheritance is beyond the pale. It's outrageous that during your time of grief she's acting entitled to your money. This alone would drive me away from her completely. Combined with her many other serious flaws, it's a no-brainer.

[fishlips]

So sorry for your loss. Your gf doesn't sound like a very nice person. Even if she was hurt that you didn't want her to drive up, she shouldn't have torn into you when you just lost your dad. Let her go and concentrate on yourself and your family for now. Someday, you'll find someone more mature and supportive.

[MJJean]

I am so sorry for your loss.

The way you describe your GF I must say that I think she is all about her, entitled, a poor relationship prospect, and that's before I get to how she treated you when your father passed. Considering how she's treated you during the first rush of grief? Please break it off and go no contact. She's toxic soup.

[Ellener]

Sorry for your loss of your dad. 

[scooby-philly]

OP,

Sounds just like an ex of mine. When you're done grieving your father's passing - take a look at the book "The Psychopath Test". It may help put some of her behavior into perspective. To people who've never dated a person like this or never studied psychology enough to really understand personalities in depth, a lot of the behavior may seem excusable, a joke, etc. Like assuming her comment (though you explained it well) about the inheritance might be a "joke" or that you were a bit inconsiderate and need better communication concerning her offer to drive up and back. (Which you weren't by the way). People like this are manipulative, selfish, have no empathy, and push people away as an attempt to gain leverage and domination trying to fill the empty void in their souls/lives. I'm glad you realize that this wasn't meant to be and that your ex (hope it's now an "ex") needs a lot of professional help.

I'll give you one story from my ex. She too was constantly in debt from school, spent money poorly, always blamed people for things, etc. About 11 months into our relationship I had gone to my oldest niece's HS graduation party. A week or a few days later my one brother texted saying he has scored extra tickets to the actual graduation ceremony. I asked my parents if they wanted to go and my dad said no but my mom wanted to (her first grandbaby) so because my mom doesn't drive I said I'd go do she could. Told my brother. Then realized I should tell the ex - emailed or texted her - she got livid. Sure, she had a club activity that same day - but it was something where I could be there from like 8am to maybe 4pm before leaving for the graduation. And she didn't even know if they'd be done at 1pm, 4pm, or 8pm because of the way this activity works. And my niece's younger brother is developmentally challenged and my other brother lives across the country, so this would be maybe the only HS graduation I'd see for my family. I was crashing at the gf's place most of the time - I got home from work before she did - started cooking dinner and when she got home she lost it - she threw a huge pot of spaghetti all over her kitchen, threw a huge pot of pasta sauce with meat in it all over - all because she couldn't control me and I wouldn't let her isolate me from my family. So yeah - dude - sounds like you dodged a real bullet here my friend!

[kendahke]

My deepest condolences on the passing of your dear father.

8 hours ago, jeff0011 said:

And then when I told her about my inheritance she said “oh, are you going to pay off my debt?”  

Rapacious much?  Oooh, no... girl bye. 

You didn't run her debt up--let whoever she ran that up for pay it off.

That should have never been shared with her, even if things were on good terms.

Quote

Did I do something that wrong? Is she immature? Red flag for some other issues?

No.  She's not immature: she's  a jack a**. 

Weddings and funerals bring out the worst in some people.

[kendahke]

8 hours ago, jeff0011 said:

she brought up the money again. “I thought you would offer to pay off my debt but I will never see any of that money”.

She's not supposed to see any of that money---she can get a second and third job to pay off her debt. 

You are not her husband; therefore she isn't entitled to anything of yours. Where are her dang parents?  That's whose she should have her hand out for, not you or your family's money.  She should be thankful for the amount of time you tolerated her BS and that's it.

Block her from all communications--she's shown you exactly who she is, which is no good.

Edited January 6, 2020 by kendahke

[jeff0011]

I could never explain herself, to her. She describes herself as a “people pleaser”.  And that’s where most of her money does go.  Buying people gifts.  Her mom.  Her sister.   And on herself.  And she has been helpful in ways to me. 

But I can’t describe the emotional pain and pressure that goes along with it.  So while she would have driven “to help”, that form of help is CONSTANTLY tied to some sort of emotional, negative, neediness that destroys the relationship and makes everything about her. 
 

Even before this, every day became something I wasn’t doing right.  My texting was not enough.  I didn’t kiss her enough when I saw her.  I didn’t sit close enough the second I sat down. I turned the other way in the middle of the night.    I think now , seeing that she even does this when my father passes, made me really notice it  

I would also say in the past she would get upset if I referred to my house as mine. Lol.  Like if I said “I will drive to my house. ”. She would reply “oh. Yeah.  I forgot.  That’s YOUR house.  It’s isn’t mine.”  I mean she has her own apartment.  I don’t call her apartment “my apartment”.  So for some reason I think that’s how she viewed my inheritance too.   I don’t even understand why  

So after things settled down, she kept on complaining about me, and I totally cut back on communication and told her why.  Her response was “never talk to me again!!! You ruined my life! You said you would love me! You broke my heart!!”   Then she blocked me. 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited January 6, 2020 by jeff0011

[scooby-philly]

Let it go....let it go.

[Ruby Slippers]

Dude, you dodged a bullet. This woman has major issues. Being married to her would be a nightmare. All the issues you see now would be amplified by several orders of magnitude. I'd consider this a blessing in disguise.

[K.K.]

2 hours ago, jeff0011 said:

I could never explain herself, to her. She describes herself as a “people pleaser”.  And that’s where most of her money does go.  Buying people gifts.  Her mom.  Her sister.   And on herself.  And she has been helpful in ways to me. 

But I can’t describe the emotional pain and pressure that goes along with it.  So while she would have driven “to help”, that form of help is CONSTANTLY tied to some sort of emotional, negative, neediness that destroys the relationship and makes everything about her. 
 

Even before this, every day became something I wasn’t doing right.  My texting was not enough.  I didn’t kiss her enough when I saw her.  I didn’t sit close enough the second I sat down. I turned the other way in the middle of the night.    I think now , seeing that she even does this when my father passes, made me really notice it  

I would also say in the past she would get upset if I referred to my house as mine. Lol.  Like if I said “I will drive to my house. ”. She would reply “oh. Yeah.  I forgot.  That’s YOUR house.  It’s isn’t mine.”  I mean she has her own apartment.  I don’t call her apartment “my apartment”.  So for some reason I think that’s how she viewed my inheritance too.   I don’t even understand why  

So after things settled down, she kept on complaining about me, and I totally cut back on communication and told her why.  Her response was “never talk to me again!!! You ruined my life! You said you would love me! You broke my heart!!”   Then she blocked me. 

 

 

 

 

 

This is cringeworthy. Get.OutNow.