scooby-philly Posted January 7, 2020 Share Posted January 7, 2020 OP, Was doing some journaling and thinking how my recent ex didn't ever really show me off or brag about me - mostly because she didn't have friends and she never introduced me to family - but it made me remember another incident with that crazy ex of mine years ago. She not only didn't really show me off or brag about me, one time in the first 6 months she mentioned (maybe we were fighting a little bit but it wasn't major) how some of her friends were making comments about my appearance. I was born with a slight facial deformity (40 surgeries to correct it growing up). And even at the time I remember thinking - wow - first off who would be friends with people like that, second why would you tell your partner about it, and if you did - why didn't it include how you told them off and said if they ever said anything like that again you wouldn't be friends with them. Crazy, toxic people are no good man - run, count your blessings, and when these signs pop up early on again (hoping they don't) - run faster than the flash. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jeff0011 Posted January 7, 2020 Author Share Posted January 7, 2020 She had the oddest mentality. She wanted to move in before. About a month before her lease was up, she started finding an issue every single day with my house. (Because I lived in it with my ex). She became a combination of super clingy , yet at the same time pushing me away. Then said “I can never live in this house” Although it was never an issue before. So after an argument she started, within 1 day she renewed her lease. I asked her not to. Then, every single day after she would say “I am wasting so much money on my apartment because YOU didn’t want to live with me! But you wanted to live with your ex! Why don’t you love me?” She had a way to destroy everything, never realize it, then blame me. This last saga really now makes me realize and wonder why I put up with this for so long. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 7, 2020 Share Posted January 7, 2020 3 hours ago, jeff0011 said: She had a way to destroy everything, never realize it, then blame me. Sorry for your loss. Forget all her other issues, why would you be in a relationship with someone for whom you have such low expectations? You seem to go into each situation with her planning for drama, dissension and/or disrespect. Doesn't sound much like true love... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted January 7, 2020 Share Posted January 7, 2020 Dude, she is nuttier than a squirrel's poop. You just need to understand that there is something seriously wrong with her, she is totally irrational and illogical and it is impossible to understand why she did what she did. Now you just need to block her back, and never speak to you again because why would you ever want to? You'll never get any explanation or apology or "closure" from her - just more nuttiness. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jeff0011 Posted January 7, 2020 Author Share Posted January 7, 2020 5 hours ago, Mr. Lucky said: Sorry for your loss. Forget all her other issues, why would you be in a relationship with someone for whom you have such low expectations? You seem to go into each situation with her planning for drama, dissension and/or disrespect. Doesn't sound much like true love... Mr. Lucky I agree. I was hoping something would click or change. Also, in retrospect she was good at blame shifting and the “poor me” . I sometimes wondered if it was my fault as it slowly became worse and worse.It wasn’t all at once. Also, in the email she ran off a list of things she “did for me” and wasn’t paid. Lol Like going up to the store to buy things etc. I suppose her was of saying she is entitled to my inheritance. which really irritated me because I ALWAYS have her far more money to buy household things than she would spend. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 7, 2020 Share Posted January 7, 2020 4 hours ago, jeff0011 said: Also, in the email she ran off a list of things she “did for me” and wasn’t paid. Lol Like going up to the store to buy things etc. Tell her you're actually a paid gigolo and companion, and it's time to settle up. She owes you big time... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jeff0011 Posted January 10, 2020 Author Share Posted January 10, 2020 She now sends me daily emails saying “you never loved me! You ruined my life! I tried so hard!” Etc. But no matter how I tried to word it to her, it’s like totally ignored. The problem was her CONSTANT need of validation that made every single day miserable. She can never see this. is there any way to explain that she can understand? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 No there is no way to make her understand. She's too self centered for that. Just block her & move on. Daily emails are annoying. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 Jeff, why haven't you blocked this chick by now? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 No, she'll never understand, she clearly doesn't have the capacity. For your own peace of mind, block her so that you don't have to deal with her lashing out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Beachead Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 Hey Jeff0011, I had a chance to read through this thread. You are dealing with a lot right now. You should be grieving the loss of your father but here you are preoccupied with your gf and her feelings and problems atm. Looks like she got in your head and robbed you off the time you needed for yourself. As a poster mentioned earlier, sounds like the two of you had pre-existing problems before this happened which wore you down. This situation simply exposed all of it as its completely depleted you. It's not your responsibility to pay HER debts off. She is attempting to manipulate you into spending your hard earned money, in the name of proving your love to her, just to pay off the debts which has created because of HER poor life decisions. Tell me..why hasn't the things you've done in the past worth anything to her? If she can't appreciate what you did, will she appreciate any gesture now? Ask yourself that. Maybe if she cared about you, she'd stop "pleasing people" as she says and become more financially responsible so that she can stop relying on you for money and actually buy herself things. Maybe she could stop putting you in these tough positions. She seems to know her weaknesses and does nothing about it. You're not her bank account. You do because you want to do, not because you have to. I think this is sufficient cause to drop her and I would do so. - beach 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 4 hours ago, jeff0011 said: She now sends me daily emails saying “you never loved me! You ruined my life! I tried so hard!” Etc. How can she send you stuff? Didn't she block you? Didn't you block her? 4 hours ago, jeff0011 said: The problem was her CONSTANT need of validation that made every single day miserable. She can never see this. No, the problem is that you don't understand, she is madder than a box of frogs. You're trying to understand her thinking, try to figure out how her logic works, how she thinks, how she feels. She is just totally cray cray and there is no possibility of understanding how she ticks. 4 hours ago, jeff0011 said: is there any way to explain that she can understand? No. She does not want to listen to logic or reason or valid points. The only thing you can do is to look after yourself, and that means blocking her and moving on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Beachead Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 4 hours ago, jeff0011 said: She now sends me daily emails saying “you never loved me! You ruined my life! I tried so hard!” Etc. But no matter how I tried to word it to her, it’s like totally ignored. The problem was her CONSTANT need of validation that made every single day miserable. She can never see this. is there any way to explain that she can understand? You've tried and it didn't work. The problem isn't you. It's her. At some point in her life, she chose to seek validation from others, instead of validating herself through personal accomplishment and fulfillment. So as a result, you found yourself, constantly having to prove yourself to her. I bet it was exhausting. If she can't appreciate the things you did for her in the past and use that as a basis for your loyalty and love to her, then she won't find any value in the things you do today. It will all be forgotten. There is nothing you can do make her understand because the problem is within her and its up to her to fix it. This won't be a quick fix. It's going to take a long time assuming she can admit to her faults and get passed her ego. Your silence will do more work for you and her than you could by talking to her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jeff0011 Posted January 10, 2020 Author Share Posted January 10, 2020 I agree. I already sent one well worded email and everything was completely ignored. it’s too bad because she did have good qualities, but I can’t make her see that constantly needing validation, or assuming I am leaving, or cheating drove me away. Link to post Share on other sites
fromheart Posted January 12, 2020 Share Posted January 12, 2020 On 1/6/2020 at 1:23 PM, jeff0011 said: Did I do something that wrong? Is she immature? Red flag for some other issues? I'll tell you what you're doing wrong, you're not kicking her out of your life on the spot! I had a useless GF when my father died, and there's nothing worse. They longer you carry useless baggage, the more you have to pay for it later. Dump the baggage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 12, 2020 Share Posted January 12, 2020 This is a good example of why I always tell people that you don't really know someone until you've been through something hard with them, whether it be illness or death or even car trouble. For some reason it always makes their flaws stand out in sharp relief. from the way you narrate it it seems to me that her main concern was that she be considered family enough that you would pay off her debt, and unless you were engaged and been together about 5 years that alone would be enough to make me break up. As for her saying she always knew, that was simply her creating the things she feared most. It was her insecurities that caused it not you. I would take this opportunity to just let her go. I'm glad you spoke up and told her she was making this all about her. If you hadn't you don't always wished you had. Just let her go. Very sorry about your dad. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jeff0011 Posted January 12, 2020 Author Share Posted January 12, 2020 11 hours ago, preraph said: As for her saying she always knew, that was simply her creating the things she feared most. It was her insecurities that caused it not you. I would take this opportunity to just let her go. I'm glad you spoke up and told her she was making this all about her. If you hadn't you don't always wished you had. Just let her go. Yes exactly. she had many good qualities, but that bad quality was huge. I was always thinking she might just become “secure”. But I see that doesn’t happen. And she would twist it and say “oh, if you did x, y and z THEN I would be secure”. So it was a never ending circular debate. And yes, big moments magnify the flaws. Nothing annoys me more than the “poor me” constant attitude. “Oh I see you don’t want me to drive up. I guess we won’t be together. Yoj don’t like me”. It just makes me cringe. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 12, 2020 Share Posted January 12, 2020 Yeah, that level of insecurity and "me, me, me" isn't anything you want to hitch your wagon to for long. Yeah, they like to twist everything to be someone else's issue instead of just going to a shrink. Link to post Share on other sites
Beachead Posted January 12, 2020 Share Posted January 12, 2020 2 hours ago, jeff0011 said: Yes exactly. she had many good qualities, but that bad quality was huge. I was always thinking she might just become “secure”. But I see that doesn’t happen. And she would twist it and say “oh, if you did x, y and z THEN I would be secure”. So it was a never ending circular debate. And yes, big moments magnify the flaws. Nothing annoys me more than the “poor me” constant attitude. “Oh I see you don’t want me to drive up. I guess we won’t be together. Yoj don’t like me”. It just makes me cringe. I am familiar with dealing with that attitude..you can't win no matter what you do. Somehow, someway..things get twisted and manipulated that fits their personal narrative which is filled with biases about how they feel about themselves which affects the way they see everything. Sometimes people are just afraid to change or grow up so they can subconsciously come up with all kinds of creative ways to avoid it. I'm ashamed to say i was like this a long time ago. Quite a few people pointed it out to me. At first, I didn't listen and didn't awareness to. I was young and dumb. But as time went on and I lived life, I also gained experience and wisdom and more insight into myself and these subsequent comments got me to question whether I was the problem. I learned a lot after that. Took a long time to do so as old habits die hard, but I changed. Luckily I had guidance in my life from a few supportive people, I had humility and an open-mind to change. She can change but that process has to be a solo journey and it will take a long time, provided she can first get passed her own ego and get real with herself which most people don't. You can't make her change. She has to do it on her own and it'll probably take the loss of you and maybe others, to wake her up to it. Don't worry about losing her. It's not a loss. You'll certainly grieve the loss of her presence..but nobody comes and goes in our life without teaching us something about ourself and life itself. And I believe you'll be better for the decision. - Beach Link to post Share on other sites
scooby-philly Posted January 13, 2020 Share Posted January 13, 2020 @Beachead - Great advice for the OP as always. But in this case, it's not a question of her just being self-centered. She's a psychopath and he should continue to ignore her and go NC completely. The whole debt thing in and of itself is cringe worthy enough for anyone, even if they were about to be married, leave with no regrets. But add on to that the whole situation with his dad. That is one of the most disrespectful and hurtful things a person could do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jeff0011 Posted January 13, 2020 Author Share Posted January 13, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, scooby-philly said: @Beachead - Great advice for the OP as always. But in this case, it's not a question of her just being self-centered. She's a psychopath and he should continue to ignore her and go NC completely. The whole debt thing in and of itself is cringe worthy enough for anyone, even if they were about to be married, leave with no regrets. But add on to that the whole situation with his dad. That is one of the most disrespectful and hurtful things a person could do. What sealed it for me was that when I told her it bothered me that she asked for money, she doubled down. Again and again. “I am almost 30 and have debt! I want to have kids! “ I just saw the worst of the women I knew In My life during these past 2 months. Dads 85 year old girlfriend : upset she is only left with 500k and the house. Saying I should also pay the house tax she lives in. sister: showed her true colors when she started a fight at funeral because she wasn’t in the will. gf: immediately ask for money day I bury my dad. like what is wrong with people? I thought I could atleast vent to my gf about the other two. She actually seemed mad and jealous that I have an inheritance. Edited January 13, 2020 by jeff0011 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 13, 2020 Share Posted January 13, 2020 When you finally dump this lazy gold digger make sure you don't tell future ones about your money. It's none of their business and you'll just open the door to begging. Link to post Share on other sites
Beachead Posted January 13, 2020 Share Posted January 13, 2020 2 hours ago, jeff0011 said: What sealed it for me was that when I told her it bothered me that she asked for money, she doubled down. Again and again. “I am almost 30 and have debt! I want to have kids! “ I just saw the worst of the women I knew In My life during these past 2 months. Dads 85 year old girlfriend : upset she is only left with 500k and the house. Saying I should also pay the house tax she lives in. sister: showed her true colors when she started a fight at funeral because she wasn’t in the will. gf: immediately ask for money day I bury my dad. like what is wrong with people? I thought I could atleast vent to my gf about the other two. She actually seemed mad and jealous that I have an inheritance. Don't let them manipulate you into doing anything. Let yourself grieve and block them all out..atleast for now. They're all being absolutely selfish and self-serving. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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