Adult son moved home

[cazoraz]

My adult son who has bipolar, who is 28 moved home. He is not a problem. Cooks, clean, pulls his weight.

Problem is he came home with girlfriend and her cat.  I set down rules. I'm not your mother. You take turns in cooking and upstairs is yours and my son's apartment and you look after it. 

I felt bullied into them coming here. She bought her own unit but it's in a bad area and too scared to live their. So her apartment sits empty.

So here we are 3 months down the track. I told them they had to end of January to let her place out and find a place to live. They haven't packed up her place. They have tell end of the month.

I don't mind my son being here. As I said he pulls his weight and is grateful. His girlfriend on the other hand treats the place like the Hilton. 

Has cooked twice. Once when I told her to and she cracked the s***s but did it. Hasn't picked up a broom. Never says thank you when given her dinner by my son or I. Leaves her plate and just walks off. Her total input to the house is one carton of milk. Leaves crap everywhere. Last night I didn't feel like cooking. Said let's have take out. Curry. She was I don't feel like curry. Chinese suggested. I don't eat pork and on it went.  I  the end I said sort yourselves out and I had toast. And as usual my so  paid. My son does their washing. Feeds her cat.  Ever seen her do it. And does the litter box.

I'm so over it. I'm happy for my son to stay but she needs to go but how? I will be made to feel guilty. My son has spoken to her with no improvement. He is about to start working away and I can see I will be totally responsible for her and the bloody cat.

We go overseas in 6 weeks for 2 months and i can just imagine the state the house will be in if i let them stay. She is nice enough just laxy around the house.  I had thought of getting a cleaner once a week and split the cost but she will say she cant afford it. I'm already getting and paying for all the food. Paying for all the bills. This is driving me crazy. But if I say go at end of the month o will be the biggest cow o n earth. My son has already asked me how much longer they have.  I've told him you can stay as long as you want but she needs to go.  I know if I tell her to go he will too and that will put him in danger.  She has parents but they won't have her there.

Thoughts?

 

Thanks

Caz

[d0nnivain]

Remind them that they need to be out.  Perhaps research listings for them or offer to pay for a moving company to get the stuff out.  You are absolutely right that they can't stay.  Your home will be a wreck when you get back.  

[schlumpy]

Considering that you want her gone, but do not what to be the bad guy, you should help them get a better apartment. Put up the down payment and first months rent. Expect them to pay you back but realistically it probably will not happen. That way your house is safe and your conscience can rest easy.

Please consider that this course of action will not teach your son to handle his own responsibilities. 

[Ellener]

12 hours ago, cazoraz said:

She has parents but they won't have her there.

And now you know why.

If she wants to live at your place then she can sign her property over to you, if not they can go back there. 

Theirs is the generation who don't want to grow up and accept responsibility for the excuses we made for them from guilt earlier in life ( divorce/ illness/ not being perfect parents etc )

I know, I have one. This year I intend to give him the longest lasting gift- grow up.

[basil67]

Stick to your guns Caz.  While I can understand your desire to support your son, he is an adult and needs to learn about consequence.   Does he agree that his girlfriend is an entitled princess?   Does he understand your point of view on all of this?   

[Mr. Lucky]

This is really your son's problem.  He brought her into your home and should be responsible for her.  This means he either finds a way to motivate her or does double work himself, cooking and cleaning included.  

Given your feelings, I wouldn't address any of this with her.  Take it up with your son, including the notice it's time to go.  It's his issue, not yours...

Mr. Lucky

[cazoraz]

Thank you everyone for your responses and each of them are spot on.  My son is aware of her laziness. I have spoken to him and he goes I know mum. I'm trying to teach her. He reckons it took him a year to teach her to hang her towel up properly.  But she has every excuse. He tried to get her to peel potatoes when he was cooking the other night and she said it hurts her wrists. Told my son she is treating you and me like a door mat. It's the ungratefulness that is doing my head in. No thank you for dinner. Nothing.  I've told my son stop doing her washing. Feeding her cat. Let her do it.  I have thought about paying for bond etc to get them out but I don't have 2500 dollars at the moment. Rent isn't cheap here in Australia. Hubbie home from work next Wednesday and talk about what to do. He works away.  I have visions of him dishing up her dinner on a paper plate and plastic cutlery. You don't want to put your dishes in dishwasher that's what you get. Lol  It's so hard when my son is doing everything right and I actually like having him here. I don't have to tell him just does it. Ie  I said a.c. not working properly the other day. I must clean filters. 30 minutes later he is in yard cleaning them. I go to put bins out and he has already done it.  It's just her. 

[JTSW]

On 1/6/2020 at 3:32 PM, cazoraz said:

This is driving me crazy. But if I say go at end of the month o will be the biggest cow o n earth.  She has parents but they won't have her there.

No you wont.

Its your house and its perfectly reasonable to want someone to pull their weight and do their bit while living under your roof.

Talk to her yourself and in a nice way tell her that it's time she moves on to somewhere else.

or tell her that you have developed an allergic reaction to her cats 😉

[Miss Clavel]

sit her down. look her in the eye and explain just how much money it takes to run that house. show her a list of all the chores/work it takes to run that house. let her know that she is not family, yet. because in a family everyone works. both inside and outside of the home. that you feel disrespected by her sloppiness. you are not beneath her, you do not clear her place or clear the poop out of her cat's box. end of.

this is her fork in the road. either she steps it up, work wise, cleaning wise of she steps off. back to the apartment. 

i lived in a dodgy part of town at 18 hell, my roomie in the one bedroom was 17, just out of high school. we survived. buy them strong locks for the apt doors and personal safety alarms they can carry at all times.  download the safety app that shows them where the other one is and when they will arrive home. it also alerts the police if they go late or missing.

let her know that her life is going to change. she will become a functioning member of your household or she will step off and she and your son will start their own household, somewhere else. these are her choices step up or step off. 

your son will go with her. he will come back after they break up because he will realize that she doesn't respect anyone, not even a cat.