We broke up

[Rick13]

Hi guys. I’ve been a lurker on here for years now and find the advice to be really inspirational so now it’s time to share what’s been going on with my relationship of 2 years that recently ended.  

 

My now ex has bi-polar type 1 which is the type that’s predominantly ‘ups’ and over-stimulation that if not controlled by drugs eventually leads to a prolonged ‘down’, which unfortunately is what happened about 4 months after we started living together.  We’re both in our early 30’s so I guess things moved quite fast and within 6 months we were looking for places together as everything was going well and we had a lot of fun and we looked out for each other. 

What I didn’t know is my ex had stopped taking her medication (which is supposedly fairly common) about 3 months after we got together and I didn’t know her well enough to notice that she was getting higher and higher throughout the summer, thinking she was just a bit quirky.  So inevitably she reached a point where she became unwell in a psychosis which I’m not sure she fully remembers.  I supported her through it the best I could with my limited knowledge, and her family took turns to come and stay with us and help (they were amazing).  We also had bi-weekly visits from the community mental health team who convinced her to accept support and take medication and work with them until they found the right types of meds that worked for her.  It began to take effect and she was able to start sleeping again and becoming more herself.  With the highs, came the lows, and unfortunately winter hit, and we both struggle with winter as we’re outdoors types.  So now my focus came on trying to motivate her but not being an expert I struggled and began to burn myself out as I didn’t seek support for myself, thinking ‘oh I’ll be fine’.  So I noticed a change in myself – I started to become quite emotional (which is very unlike me) and find it really easy to cry and began to feel down myself.  I’ve had depression before so I knew what worked for me to get out of it and begin to feel better.  I saw the doctor and took some meds and worked on my fitness, meditated, read a lot and watched a lot of inspirational videos and slowly began to feel better. 

As I began to feel better I noticed a lot of apprehension in myself about trying to help my ex again as I began to feel like I couldn’t help anymore and I was often greeted with verbal abuse about seemingly small things around the house.  There wasn’t any reasoning as far as I could see.  I saw it as her lashing out at the world due to the irritation of not sleeping properly and still being in recovery but I began to feel like I was hated and still do.  I know deep down it isn’t her that’s saying all of this but it was and still is very hard to compartmentalise it when it happens so often.  The attacks became more personal and more often and I withdrew to the spare room we’re lucky to have and slept there for the next 3 months while she tried to get her sleeping pattern back on track.  I continued to withdraw and save myself while feeling more guilty.  She kept in contact with her family but maybe they struggled with her outbursts too – I don’t know, but she’s in less contact with them now. 

So the last thing I want to do is to help her get some counselling and further therapy but there’s a long waiting list that’s she’s been on since the summer.  We went to a support group meeting which was great, but only once.  I guess I just want her to recover still even if we can’t be together as I don’t think I can live in an abusive relationship, and I’m finding it hard to let go of her hatred towards me.  We still live together and I know now we’ve broken up I can expect even more abuse but this has really damaged me and I can’t carry on any longer.  I’m aware I have a slight ‘saver’ mentality, as does my brother, which I’ve tried to work on before but ultimately I feel compassion for her because of how much this illness has ruined her life. 

 

So that’s my story.  I hope it helps someone and I look forward to any thoughts you guys might have had.  Sorry for such a long essay, but it feels good to get it out there. 

 

tldr : bipolar gf became unwell, I couldn't support her anymore, she became verbally abusive often, I began to save myself, then left but we still live together.

[snowboy91]

I haven't really had a lot of experience with bipolar specifically, but what it sounds like is that the relationship is taking its toll on both your mental health. It sounds like despite the outbursts from her, you wish her the best and want her to get better even if the relationship can't be saved - it's a very mature and refreshing way to look at it. 

You've also done well to recognise when you're not doing OK either. I wouldn't be surprised if both your mental health issues feed into each other - which is never going to end well. Perhaps you can do more from outside the relationship than within it. You would still do well to move out ASAP - and help her move out eventually if needed.