Why does it matter that my life is better than hers, post break up?

[2BGoodAgain]

Hey you crazies out there...

I just don't have the bandwidth/objectivity/experience with why it matters to me, post break up, that my life has to be better than the other person's.

I mean it's over, it's done. The other person is with someone else... and that's not even the part that keeps entering my mind... what keeps intruding on my life, my thoughts... is that I can't stand the thought that my life isn't as great or better than hers... 

why is that? is it a form of repressed jealousy or not getting over her.. i mean, who cares what she does with her life, at this point... we're ended. So how come it appears to bother me that perhaps her life is better than mine, or that my life has to be better than hers...

want to have a deeper analysis of my thoughts/feelings other than the superficial surface obvious ones. Throw me your thoughts....

Edited January 6, 2020 by 2BGoodAgain

[d0nnivain]

Everybody likes to feel successful, like they won.  It's not a competition but if you are happy then you feel like you "won".   Part of making this work is redefining what "winning" means.  

I lived with somebody for over 10 years.  When we broke up I was a bit consumed by the thought that I really didn't want him hooking up with a mutual friend of ours.  (He didn't.)  For a while he made more money then me & that burned me.  But then I remembered I bought a house & was putting down roots.  He was still renting.  Last I heard, which was about 2 years ago, he was still living in our old apartment with his new GF.  I chuckled to myself when I met her; she was everything he always wanted -- shorter then me, bigger boobs, & quiet / mousy although we are both highly educated & intelligent.  

In the end we both "won".  He remains unmarried & still can't even commit to a mortgage. He has his unencumbered lifestyle & a woman with the body / personality I never had.  My house will be paid off this year & I've been happily married for almost 12 years.  

A break up upends parts of your life.  It's a bit of a kick in the teeth, like the rug got pulled out from under you.  So you want something to feel good about.  The idea that you came out on top fulfills that need / that empty space feeling like you failed because your relationship ended.  

[BlindsidedTwice]

I think it's normal to feel this way after a break-up, so try to not beat yourself up too much about it. d0nnivain is right - everyone wants to be a winner, especially post breakup. 

From my experiences, I always started out as the "loser" - the one who was dumped, or my ex moved on to a new person so fast, or my ex seemingly had this new amazing awesome exciting life... BUT in every single case, I waited it out and worked really hard on improving myself, and I ended up the "winner" (at least in my eyes, but often in my ex's eyes too!)  

Everyone's life has ups and downs. Your ex may be in an up phase right now while you're feeling down, but it won't stay like that forever. 

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Wasn't it an affair?  Aren't you married?  I'd focus on the marriage and making THAT better and not worry about your former mistress.  

[preraph]

It's normal to have those feelings but keep your eye on the goal of completely stopping caring what the other person is doing or thinks about you. Life seems unfair sometimes. One of my exes hurt me so much both personally and professionally eventually that it really galls me that he always made more money than me and we were doing the same job that I had more experience at it. But I don't really envy his life now and realize that I would probably not be happy if I had stayed with him and shared his idea of the good life. I mean I'd love to have his money and be able to go do my own things that I like to do, that's for sure. It does suck. 

[fishlips]

I agree it's normal and those feelings will probably die down after awhile. It's human nature to have those thoughts. Just focus on yourself and don't worry about what she does. Easier said than done, of course. 

[2BGoodAgain]

15 hours ago, CautiouslyOptimistic said:

Wasn't it an affair?  Aren't you married?  I'd focus on the marriage and making THAT better and not worry about your former mistress.  

aw, you remembered! Yup, it was a 12yr affair, and no i'm not married. The engagement is off while we focus on rebuilding our relationship into something... hopefully stronger and better... though, of course, no promises... it's a day to day, week to week, month to month relationship... to which, i'm really grateful for..  which is why this thought intruding on my mind is disturbing me a bit.. I don't feel much jealousy over her new relationship or how it's going to impact her marriage and kids... or all that...  i thought, it'd be that that bothered me, and when i let my mind wander to figure out my feelings about it, it just isn't that. But this is a new thing for me.

oddly, enough.... i don't recall feeling this way about any other relationship. Whether I was the dumper or the dumpee... so it's a new experience for me.  I'm rather baffled  by feeling like i need to be more successful, look better, even my relationship with my partner, i feel the need to be better than anything she has. and that disturbs me, too. my relationship should be what she and I make of it, not comparing with my former AP. Though, i don't mind the motivation, tbh.

15 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Everybody likes to feel successful, like they won.  It's not a competition but if you are happy then you feel like you "won".   Part of making this work is redefining what "winning" means.  

I lived with somebody for over 10 years.  When we broke up I was a bit consumed by the thought that I really didn't want him hooking up with a mutual friend of ours.  (He didn't.)  For a while he made more money then me & that burned me.  But then I remembered I bought a house & was putting down roots.  He was still renting.  Last I heard, which was about 2 years ago, he was still living in our old apartment with his new GF.  I chuckled to myself when I met her; she was everything he always wanted -- shorter then me, bigger boobs, & quiet / mousy although we are both highly educated & intelligent.  

In the end we both "won".  He remains unmarried & still can't even commit to a mortgage. He has his unencumbered lifestyle & a woman with the body / personality I never had.  My house will be paid off this year & I've been happily married for almost 12 years.  

A break up upends parts of your life.  It's a bit of a kick in the teeth, like the rug got pulled out from under you.  So you want something to feel good about.  The idea that you came out on top fulfills that need / that empty space feeling like you failed because your relationship ended.  

Thank you for sharing that in depth analysis; it's very helpful to put these weird/mystery feelings in their proper context. I don't want to move forward with my relationship constantly comparing... it sounds counter productive long term... i owe you!

15 hours ago, preraph said:

It's normal to have those feelings but keep your eye on the goal of completely stopping caring what the other person is doing or thinks about you. Life seems unfair sometimes. One of my exes hurt me so much both personally and professionally eventually that it really galls me that he always made more money than me and we were doing the same job that I had more experience at it. But I don't really envy his life now and realize that I would probably not be happy if I had stayed with him and shared his idea of the good life. I mean I'd love to have his money and be able to go do my own things that I like to do, that's for sure. It does suck. 

yeah, my brain realizes that no matter what diff choices i would have made with her, long term it wouldn't have been a happy life... that part of my thought processes is pretty firm on that unrealized potential future... quite glad it didn't work out with her, b/c it'd been a bigger mess than what i already have now.. 

but during those unguarded moments, my mind wanders before i realize what my unconscious mind is doing and reset myself... 

 

Thank you, everyone... that helps a lot. If any further thoughts or shared experiences... are welcome. It's quite encouraging.

 

[schlumpy]

On 1/6/2020 at 1:57 PM, 2BGoodAgain said:

want to have a deeper analysis of my thoughts/feelings other than the superficial surface obvious ones. Throw me your thoughts....

Chalk it up to human nature. No matter our training, personalities, intelligence level or what religion we adhere to, we can't rise above it.

I found myself grinning when I discovered a picture of my Ex fiancée and she looked like the Pillsbury dough girl. 

I laughed out loud when I found out an old nemesis of mine got on his motorcycle drunk, was flung into the air and hit a stop sign.

Sorry, I'm only human.

 

[2BGoodAgain]

On 1/7/2020 at 5:46 PM, schlumpy said:

Chalk it up to human nature. No matter our training, personalities, intelligence level or what religion we adhere to, we can't rise above it.

I found myself grinning when I discovered a picture of my Ex fiancée and she looked like the Pillsbury dough girl. 

I laughed out loud when I found out an old nemesis of mine got on his motorcycle drunk, was flung into the air and hit a stop sign.

Sorry, I'm only human.

 

i dunno.. short term, i might feel good something bad happened to my ex, but honestly, long term... i wouldn't wish that on anyone.. you know what i mean?

like when you're a child and you're stomping your feet and you think to your parents "you'll regret this!(running away, or dying)".... but when you get older, you start seeing further than your nose and you think better of it.