Properly Moving on/Dealing With Thoughts

[clevername1]

First post, although I’ve been lurking on this forum for a few days. My ex ended our close to 4 year relationship a few weeks ago, and I am truly ok with the relationship ending. To make a long story short, early on in the relationship I had doubts about us being able to make it work due to our differences and over all compatibility issues. Over time, it became apparent that both of us want different things in life. In addition, our perspective is slightly different. Example, I find happiness/joy internally, I tend to generate energy from within, and find pleasure from making progress in life/goals. I seek self-validation/self-support more than validation and support from others. She matches some of these characteristics, but has a hard time generating her own energy, and seems like she’s unhappy with life (at least that’s what I was told).

 

The key words during the last few weeks we spoke was “I am not feeling it anymore”, “I am unhappy with where my life is” even though she didn’t say she’s unhappy with me directly, indirectly the point was delivered and well taken by me. I’ve gone through a LTR before, and know that you do not chase, if a person no longer wants to be with you, you let them go. Furthermore, this is the 3rd or 4th time she broke up with me over the last 2+ years sighting similar reasonings. When we got back, it was good for a few months, and then from left field I get a similar message to “I am not happy” “I am not feeling it” etc.

 

I’ve gone strict NC with her. No social media, deleted her #, removed all pictures, gifts clothing etc etc. This is the 3rd week, and my energy is returning back to normal, appetite is also returning. I’ve kept busy with my gym, journaling, and staying away from stimulating such as alcohol.

 

So why this post if I am happy to move forward?

 

After getting back to work post holidays, I’ve had this “itch” to want to speak with other women. However, I acknowledge that that is not the best thing for me right now. It’ll be a rebound relationship which I don’t want. I’m in a place in life where I want a LTR, get myself better so I can attract the “right” person for me.

 

For those of you that decided to move forward

How did you manage the thoughts of wanting to get out there again before it was time?

How did you improve the relationship with yourself, to heal, to attract the right person?

How did you manage the daily thoughts of your ex?

Did you have any “knight in a shiny armor” thoughts or “captain save a girl” thoughts? Example, projecting that she made a mistake leaving me, and role playing a situation where she comes back and you are “saving” her. Have you had these or similar thoughts, if so, how did you deal with them?

Also, in other advice based on my situation?

 

[snowboy91]

I'm probably not the best person to give advice given I didn't really take my own advice, but here goes.

In terms of thinking about your ex daily, think about this: You and your ex broke up multiple times over the past 2 years. You also know that you want different things in life, and she is unhappy with the kind of person she is at the moment. The relationship is not good for either of you - so what part of it are you really missing? Aside from that, she was a significant part of your life for 4 years. You don't easily cut that bit out completely.

In terms of improving the relationship with yourself, keep doing what you're doing, and take steps to build the sort of life you want, but only for yourself. That will then knock on into associating with, and attracting, people who are in a similar stage of life to you.

In terms of managing thoughts of wanting to get out again (this is the bit where I messed up), it's really like my last sentence. If you've got a strong grounding within yourself, you're sure about what it is you want from a relationship and know whether or not you're ready. If you're not ready and just want to have a bit of fun, do so cautiously.

[schlumpy]

If you want to back into the flow of being with women take a look at coed activities like sports. There are bowling leagues, softball, volleyball and more I don't know about. Casual fun atmosphere.

[scooby-philly]

OP,

Turning off your imagination and avoiding replaying or creating new scenarios is one of the most important things to do in the healing process. There's no easy way and there's no rule or guidance to follow that works for everyone. The best thing is to ground yourself in the present. And if that means letting tears flow, waves of pain to come, etc - then you do it. Make the bathroom stall at work your best friend if you have to to get through the pain. But also don't allow yourself to wallow. Find one, two, or if you're lucky, three really good people (family, friends, co-workers who have become like family) to be your lean-tos during this time. 

 

And look - as long as you don't lead someone on, there's nothing wrong with a rebound relationship. The problem comes from the rebounder (or one if both parties are) not being honest enough with themselves to then be honest with the other person. Not advocating lying here - just saying don't block yourself. If you end up with someone and things get physical - if you haven't talked about it yet, then you need to bring it up so things are clear. 

 

And attracting "better" people only comes from failing, learning who you are, what you want, what you bring to a relationship, and also establishing and sticking to principles and learning what are and are not your non-negotiable items. For instance, I would like KIDS but at 38 my strong desire is for finding the right person first. Also, I'm open to a partner already having kids, but if there weren't a good mother and the kids weren't good (and I mean, I've seen truly awful kids) then it would be a no-go for me. So figuring that stuff out is important. But it's also about making you the best you can be. And what that means is entirely up to you. 

[rjc149]

Thing is, women get over their ex's more easily than men, because generally speaking, they can move on to other dating prospects more easily. Women always have more options than men. However, a man can get over an ex just as easily if he has other options himself. The best way to end obsessive thoughts and get over her is to start dating new women. Don't worry about the pitfalls of a rebound relationship. Play the field a bit. 

I'm telling you from personal experience, that working out, doing hobbies, journaling and 'working on yourself' doesn't banish the ex from your mind like a new girl of equal or greater quality. 

Get back out there. 

[clevername1]

On 1/7/2020 at 8:46 PM, snowboy91 said:

I'm probably not the best person to give advice given I didn't really take my own advice, but here goes.

In terms of thinking about your ex daily, think about this: You and your ex broke up multiple times over the past 2 years. You also know that you want different things in life, and she is unhappy with the kind of person she is at the moment. The relationship is not good for either of you - so what part of it are you really missing? Aside from that, she was a significant part of your life for 4 years. You don't easily cut that bit out completely.

In terms of improving the relationship with yourself, keep doing what you're doing, and take steps to build the sort of life you want, but only for yourself. That will then knock on into associating with, and attracting, people who are in a similar stage of life to you.

In terms of managing thoughts of wanting to get out again (this is the bit where I messed up), it's really like my last sentence. If you've got a strong grounding within yourself, you're sure about what it is you want from a relationship and know whether or not you're ready. If you're not ready and just want to have a bit of fun, do so cautiously.

Hey man, great advice. To answer the part about what what do I really miss, it's me. I miss how I am/was while in a relationship (not only with her but my other ex's). I miss the part where I am comfortable, and I can be my whole self with her (or any other women). That trust that does comes with being able to be vulnerable with someone, I miss that. As far as her specifically, there are many things I miss, her energy, her smile, etc, but there are many things I don't miss so it's a give/take right now. 

 

And good take on continuing to work on myself. That's the most important thing to me right now. I'm not interested in a rebound relationship. As mentioned, I am not in that place where I need any random woman to make me feel better. I don't want to lead anyone on, and I think waiting a few months/working on myself I'll come across someone much better than anyone I meet right now. 

On 1/8/2020 at 12:36 AM, schlumpy said:

If you want to back into the flow of being with women take a look at coed activities like sports. There are bowling leagues, softball, volleyball and more I don't know about. Casual fun atmosphere.

will keep this in mind, ty. 

On 1/8/2020 at 12:55 PM, scooby-philly said:

OP,

Turning off your imagination and avoiding replaying or creating new scenarios is one of the most important things to do in the healing process. There's no easy way and there's no rule or guidance to follow that works for everyone. The best thing is to ground yourself in the present. And if that means letting tears flow, waves of pain to come, etc - then you do it. Make the bathroom stall at work your best friend if you have to to get through the pain. But also don't allow yourself to wallow. Find one, two, or if you're lucky, three really good people (family, friends, co-workers who have become like family) to be your lean-tos during this time. 

 

And look - as long as you don't lead someone on, there's nothing wrong with a rebound relationship. The problem comes from the rebounder (or one if both parties are) not being honest enough with themselves to then be honest with the other person. Not advocating lying here - just saying don't block yourself. If you end up with someone and things get physical - if you haven't talked about it yet, then you need to bring it up so things are clear. 

 

And attracting "better" people only comes from failing, learning who you are, what you want, what you bring to a relationship, and also establishing and sticking to principles and learning what are and are not your non-negotiable items. For instance, I would like KIDS but at 38 my strong desire is for finding the right person first. Also, I'm open to a partner already having kids, but if there weren't a good mother and the kids weren't good (and I mean, I've seen truly awful kids) then it would be a no-go for me. So figuring that stuff out is important. But it's also about making you the best you can be. And what that means is entirely up to you. 

The bolded part is what I am trying to work on now. I am self aware to the point where I can notice when my ego is active. Having these fantasies makes my ego feel good when I think about her coming back, assuming she's "made a mistake" letting the relationship end. But, in all honesty I don't want to have that conversation. I still care for her, and will do so for a while. So, I'd rather have her be successful in whatever she chooses to do in life. Our break up was not bad, no infidelity, no brutal fights. It just got to the point where our communication fell off, and naturally we began going in different direction in life. 

When I say "better" I'm not necessarily better than her. Just someone that is better for me. I want kids in a few years, and when we had conversation about kids, I often did not see any maternal instinctings from her come out naturally. You cannot force that. Maybe she did not want kids with me and was not fully honest, who knows. 

 

8 hours ago, rjc149 said:

Thing is, women get over their ex's more easily than men, because generally speaking, they can move on to other dating prospects more easily. Women always have more options than men. However, a man can get over an ex just as easily if he has other options himself. The best way to end obsessive thoughts and get over her is to start dating new women. Don't worry about the pitfalls of a rebound relationship. Play the field a bit. 

I'm telling you from personal experience, that working out, doing hobbies, journaling and 'working on yourself' doesn't banish the ex from your mind like a new girl of equal or greater quality. 

Get back out there. 

I wouldn't generalize, different people have different timeline for moving on. There are many people that got into a relationship immediately, and never fully moved on from their previous relationships. 

Working out, working on myself, hobbies etc won't banish her, only time will. But, right now those things are more beneficial to me than a rebound relationship. In due time I'll get back out there, not 3 weeks after a break up lol.

[rjc149]

16 hours ago, clevername1 said:

I wouldn't generalize, different people have different timeline for moving on. There are many people that got into a relationship immediately, and never fully moved on from their previous relationships. 

Working out, working on myself, hobbies etc won't banish her, only time will. But, right now those things are more beneficial to me than a rebound relationship. In due time I'll get back out there, not 3 weeks after a break up lol.

You're absolutely right. Take the time you need to heal, and that may be more, or less, time than other men need. 3 weeks is not enough time, I agree. But I have found that months later, if you're still dwelling on the ex, it's usually because you haven't met someone new. 

 

[scooby-philly]

OP,

 

Re-read your post. Dude - she dumped you multiple times? It sounds like while you may not need validation for others, you may still have low self-esteem or just not have been clued into having self-respect. Mature people do not play games, they do not want to be unhealthy emotionally, they do not what to hurt themselves or others. The whole on-and-off thing - nope. Dump me once and we decide to get back together with strict rules and guidelines, maybe. But we won't get back together a second time. Now, I know there are exceptions to every rule and I'm not trying to compare this woman to my exes or stuff I've seen on TV or in Movies. But really, if your gut says early on this isn't going to work out, trust it. Now we all stick around because the relationship is doing something for us then and there. But if we have the courage to face our emotions and our inner children, then we might be able to actually listen to it and what it's trying to tell us.

Also - as I may have mentioned before, don't say "I'll never do a rebound fling". If you're honest about it and they're mature it can be very nice. But you have to be comfortable with it. Because look, if it will take you 6, 12, 24 months to find something long-term anyway, why not make a friend and have a little fun while your at it. But again, you need to be open to it and she needs to be mature and want it too.