Here it goes....

[msoptimistic]

It’s been a long time since I’ve been here. Completely new layout to me in fact. I told myself I would never come back unless and until I had something worth sharing. I’m not sure I do but here it goes.... I became the OW in July 2012. We were both married - him just a month- when we met. Looking back it amazes me how quickly and how hard I fell. I cannot even begin to understand how it came so easily. The lying. The sneaking around. It became second nature and completely justifiable in my mind because I loved him. I justified every post and every picture on social media. I changed plans with family and friends just in case we might be able to meet. Who even does that?

And I believe so much has to do with the secrecy. Anytime we do something wrong publicly, family and friends call us out. I don’t know about anyone else but being told I’m morally wrong is hurtful and embarrassing and not something I want to keep doing. But when it’s an affair and if we share at all, it’s with those friends who have been in circumstances that don’t lend them to being judgmental of us. We don’t share with parents or children or siblings or anyone else who would put us in our place and hold us accountable-which is one of the things we need most.

And if this makes anyone mad I apologize in advance because it made me really angry when it was told to me on this very forum....the MM is lying. By the very nature that he’s cheating with you, he is a liar. He is going to tell you exactly what you want to hear. Are there exceptions to that rule? Possibly but only by giving up everything and taking a chance on a cheater would you ever know and that’s a huge chance considering the track record he already has.

i readily admit that when a family member became addicted to drugs that I was one of the first to sit in judgment with the “just don’t do it” mentality. Now I know my addiction to this man is every bit as hard and I regret so many things I said to her. The addiction is stronger than our sense of self worth: stronger than our sense of self respect; stronger than the very basic set of morals we are taught. We readily throw people under the bus for things that appall us but we’re willing to put ourselves in a marriage we don’t belong in. And I can say this because my MM and his wife had a child 2 years ago. He is 28 years older than her. She is younger than his daughter. I thought it couldn’t and wouldn’t last. And it may not but that’s theirs to decide. Did I wrong his wife? Yep. Did I wrong my husband? Absolutely. But what about all the kids involved? What kind of an example are we setting for older children and how can we justify being an influence in a baby’s life who just wants his home to be happy?

I have been going through hell the past couple of weeks. Be it because of wanting self respect back or needing peace or thinking about how all this would affect my cancer fighting dad or things said in church or through a combination of it all I have been struggling. Fighting crying all day is no fun. Feeling lost is no fun. Trying to remember what you even thought about before he consumed your thoughts is not fun. Wondering if you will ever feel ok much less good again is no fun.

The only saving grace I can find is that I probably won’t die from a broken heart. I can see where people can easily become depressed and it is so hard. I have no idea what the coming days hold but I can no longer just turn a blind eye to being “the side chick” or “the beggar of his crumbs” or being a “dirty little secret”. Moving on may well be the hardest thing I ever do but staying is getting harder by the day....

[HadMeOverABarrel]

I just wanted to say that you're not alone. Hang in there.

[Lylalou]

I’m 5 months no contact after a few weak moments, it’s not easy, my affair was 6 yrs and then a further year of off more than on while I was trying to stop. It does get easier, I have days when I hardly think about him but then there are days when he occupies far too much of my thoughts. Stay strong I know it’s not easy but it’s the only way forward, they aren’t going to leave and that feeling of being so far down on their priorities just isn’t worth the crumbs they throw our way. 

[JTSW]

Hi msoptimistic,

I'm sorry but i'm one of those who are very much against infidelity, it just brings nothing but heartache 🙁

I've seen it with many people.

I do understand though that you cant help who you fall for (I've never been unfaithful).

So your affair had been going on for around 8 years?

It's true though, MMs never leave their families and they will say anything you want to hear just to keep you invested.

The same can be said for many women.

It never ends well and someone always ends up getting hurt.

Lylalou is right,  it's not worth it.

[msoptimistic]

Thanks for the comments. I wrote that durian particularly hard time yesterday without reading any other posts. After I settled down a bit, I did go read some others and it’s amazing how similar the stories are yet every one of us thinks ours is unique. It’s so so very hard especially when we’re otherwise intelligent women. Except where these men are concerned☹️!

And lylalu, thank you for the post. I wanted to send you a message but I couldn’t. If you ever feel comfortable talking about this, I would so appreciate emailing you. Some sites say it takes years to start feeling any normalcy and that seems so daunting. To hear that you have ANY good days at 5 months out is so great to hear.

Thanks again.

[Bittersweetie]

No one wants to look in the mirror and say, I did something really bad, something that hurt people. It's much easier to blameshift or do mental gymnastics to justify choices. For me though, the day I said those words to myself felt like the day I started to grow and change. It was like a starting point for me. Ms, I hope you have reached the starting point now for your own growth and change. It is not an easy road but one well worth the patience and hard work. Good luck.

[msoptimistic]

Hi Bittersweetie and thank you for the post. I’m very happy that I feel I am shifting from it all being about him to doing what is right and feeling good about me. Just too much to lose to take such chances on a cheater. And I especially love reading that some people do start feeling better within a few months. I don’t expect a miracle -and I was awake every single hour last night from stress- but it does help to hear that some normalcy like being able to eat and sleep do return!

[Lylalou]

I am def having more good days than bad and I think Christmas made it worse as I read old messages of how he couldn’t live without me in his life, yeah if I accept being very low down on your list of priorities. It was all give and I got very little in exchange. But I still waited and waited accepted the lies, devalued myself so badly. But after 6.5 years I couldn’t take the lies anymore, I doubted my sanity and couldn’t continue like that. It’s so hard but you can do it, believe me I’ve struggles but I know it’s the right path I’ve chosen. 

[mark clemson]

It's good you've decided to end it and yes, it can be very tough. Apparently people's brains during times like this resemble those of cocaine addicts. So that gives you some idea. Some suggestions that may help take the edge off:

- Spend some time in nature daily; at least about 10 min (looking at good nature pics on your computer can do in a pinch) (boosts serotonin)

- Spend time socializing with (platonic) friends (boosts dopamine)

- Exercise/working out within your capabilities (boosts endogenous opiates)

- Possibly time looking at cute things such as kittens or infants or doing something to help others (boosts oxytocin)

- Distractions such as good books or TV shows

- A new hobby or activity, preferably social (see above, also helps you reform your "identity gap" from losing this person); volunteering in a way that's meaningful to you and includes other people is probably ideal

Any/all of the above should help, although it just takes the edge off while you wait, the main cure is time. Making it impossible to see him, e.g. by moving, may help a lot as well, but not sure that's feasible.