Homesick after visiting home for the holidays

[thecrucible]

I'm from Scotland and moved 500 miles away to a city for a new job. It was an opportunity I couldn't refuse in my chosen industry which is extremely competitive and difficult to break into. I needed a postgraduate qualification as well to get into a professional job. My job, though it doesn't pay much, pays double what I earned before. I'm also now working full time permanent at a national institution and have greater access to training opportunities which aid my professional development. I always enjoy what I'm doing in the office and it's a coup for my career. 

When I moved 14 months ago, it happened very suddenly. I had a long term boyfriend at the time and unfortunately our relationship did not survive the move. We argued a lot and he did not visit me or talk to me as much as I required for my emotional needs. I also felt that we had different expectations in terms of when he'd want to commit and he did not apologise for hurting my feelings etc. He was not abusive but had controlling tendencies. He eventually moved down near me but hardly saw me. I broke up with him two months ago. Have been on a few dates since but I feel like I'm going through the motions. I thought I was okay but it's recently hit me that I wanted us to get married and therefore the break up is a loss of dreams and identity. I've been forcing myself not to read letters he sends but when I receive them, it's very hard for me to handle emotionally. I'm not looking purposefully for a bf replacement as it's not going to solve my woes.

Going back home for the holidays, I could catch up with family members and meet up with old friends as if nothing had changed in a small town where many people know me. I also saw countryside, which I adore and enjoyed outdoor pursuits. Many people I know there have settled down and are able to afford a mortgage for less than half my rent. Whereas in a city with some of the highest rents in Europe, I feel like a perpetual student. I can live on my wage but can't afford too many luxuries. I really want to settle down but when it comes the time, I can't see myself doing it here. I arrived back this evening after 20 days back home and just burst into tears. Part of me wants to explore the possibility of either moving back home or somewhere closer to it where I can afford to reach some of the milestones my friends at home already have. This might be a bit difficult because of the scarcity of jobs in my industry. I also don't want to jack in my very decent job before I've developed my professional expertise.

I'm not sure why I feel this upset. In my early twenties I had itchy feet and was very angsty because it took me years to get on the ladder in my chosen profession. I was also desperate to move because it was harder to meet eligible men to settle down with. I dated around without a care in the world because I didn't know where my life would go but those were really fun years because of the friendships I made and built. I also became very attached to my home environment at this time. 

So I'm not sure what I'm feeling at this point or what I should be doing about it? It seems like I have a big tangle of emotions but I don't want to make any rash decisions just yet. At the same time, now that I don't have a partner I feel a whole lot more responsible for making my life what I want it to be. I have made a few friends here but it's taking time to build the friendships. I'm thinking that as a first step, because I feel so depressed about it, I'm going to seek out some therapy sessions and plan some visits back home every few months. Have honestly spent the past couple of days crying about this and not being able to sleep properly. Can anyone advise?