Logo Posted January 7, 2020 Share Posted January 7, 2020 What happened after a breakup with your ex when you two spent time together or had sex? Link to post Share on other sites
Piddy Posted January 7, 2020 Share Posted January 7, 2020 21 minutes ago, Logo said: What happened after a breakup with your ex when you two spent time together or had sex? OK, I'll tackle this one. It was a long tome ago, but I remember it well. My live in girlfriend of 1 year broke up with me out of the blue. Well she cheated first and then left me. About a month later we got together and went to a motel for the night. Had great sex as always. The sex with an ex (nice rhyme) is always comfortable and great IMO. OK, the next morning I drove her back to her apartment she was sharing with another girl. When we walked in the phone rang. She went to answer the phone and I sat on the couch. After awhile as she kept talking I said to myself, this is rude, why doesn't she tell the person she has company and will call them back later. Then it hit me. I had a moment of clarity, an epiphany if you will. I said to myself, is this what you want? To just have sex with her once in awhile. Mind you this was decades before anyone heard of friends with benefits. I thought, you have to let her go. She doesn't love you anymore. Time to move on and find someone who will love me back as much as I love them. So I walked out and got in my car and left. I felt a weight lift off me and that was it. Moved on with my life. So, that's what happened to me when my at the time love of my life broke up with me and I spent one last night with her. There's more to the story, but we'll leave it there. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Logo Posted January 7, 2020 Author Share Posted January 7, 2020 What I’m reading is that as the dumpee you knew you deserved better. What if you’re the dumper? How did you feel? Also, is it taking advantage of a vulnerable dumpee? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 7, 2020 Share Posted January 7, 2020 1 hour ago, Logo said: Also, is it taking advantage of a vulnerable dumpee? I think that's a fair question simply because you're in two very different places. As a dumper, the sex may simply be convenient for you as you figure the next move. Clearly, the dumpee has a lot more invested. As is usually the case, the person caring the least has the most power... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Piddy Posted January 7, 2020 Share Posted January 7, 2020 (edited) 9 hours ago, Logo said: What I’m reading is that as the dumpee you knew you deserved better. What if you’re the dumper? How did you feel? Also, is it taking advantage of a vulnerable dumpee? Yeah, I wanted to have a girlfriend who loved me back. Never been the dumper. Every other break up I had was mutual and amicable. But, the girl who dumped me did try to get back with me two years later. So, the dumper can go thru their own grief and regret, but it may happen at a later date. That's why no contact works for the dumpee. The dumper may experience that the grass wasn't any greener in the dating world and become curious and realize they made a mistake and reach out to the dumpee. However, they could just reach out because they're lonely and you may be the best option (placeholder) until another person comes a long they're attracted to. In my case I had moved on, but do regret not talking to her and seeing what she had to say. I would've liked to have gotten a better ending to us and meeting with her could've given me some answers / closure. But I guess I was so indifferent to her at the time after the two years, and had another girlfriend, so I wasn't interested in seeing her again. Yes, it could be taking advantage of a vulnerable dumpee. Depends how attached they became to the dumper. Everyone has a different attachment style. I think one last time together sexually or otherwise might be good for the dumpee if they can get some answers and get some closure. If it lingers on though and the dumper is clearly just using the dumpee for sex or ego boost, then it's a very selfish / cruel thing to do. Edited January 7, 2020 by Piddy Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 7, 2020 Share Posted January 7, 2020 I was the dumper, didn't see a future but a great guy. Being friends seemed to me to be the logical next step. He'd contact me and come round for coffee, a meal, a chat but no touching no sex - Just friends. Fine I thought, how adult. We can put this behind us and move on as friends... Until the day when he said he missed me, he wanted me back, and he ended up in tears on my sofa... Oh dear, I realised how cruel I had been. Although it was very nice for me, it was hell for him as he wanted "more"... I learned a lesson that day. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Logo Posted January 7, 2020 Author Share Posted January 7, 2020 To update the original post, assume the breakup is amicable. Link to post Share on other sites
2BGoodAgain Posted January 7, 2020 Share Posted January 7, 2020 11 hours ago, Logo said: What I’m reading is that as the dumpee you knew you deserved better. What if you’re the dumper? How did you feel? Also, is it taking advantage of a vulnerable dumpee? most of the time, as a dumper... (odd term)... i had already moved on... the sex may be great, but emotionally, i'm not attached... i may care about them, but whether it's the last time or more... didn't matter.... that person is no longer the main focus of your thoughts, goals, destination. so if you're the dumpee, you need to realize this. that person who dumped you, no matter how intimate or fun you have with that person, he/she's moved on already. you're not on their radar other than to supplement what they don't have... they don't need you, they just burning time with you, until the person they are after or looking for... is going to cross their path... and that person may not even enter for them to forget about you like you didn't exist... just saying... Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted January 7, 2020 Share Posted January 7, 2020 Well, this was only a marginally amicable breakup, but here is one story. HS GF, then I went to college (she was a grade younger) then I came back but instead of sticking together we broke up (we'd both been seeing other people). We agreed to be "open" while LD but really the new folks were higher priority than we were to each other. So we broke up. We agreed to "stay friends" but frankly I walked away annoyed with her and felt like it was more like me dumping her (she was the one who asked to stay friends). (For those of you good at reading in between the lines, yes this was not the most mature approach on my part, I was only 18ish then.) At any rate, 3 years later she was married to my best friend from HS. So when I visited him, she was there also. We all got along OK, but frankly it was awkward between her and I - we didn't talk much (she and I, my best friend and I were fine). In her particular case I was not jealous as I'd already been with a "10" GF around that time and I was happy for my friend (he'd had some trouble with getting "screwed over" by girls he had strong feelings for so I was glad he had someone he liked). But definitely awkward. Another woman I got in touch with many years later by email and then snail mail letters. It was nice catching up (remotely) but other than filling each other in on our lives to date there wasn't much to it. I had actually really liked her and been "hurt" by the breakup, but we were so different by the time of contact that there was little to relate to. Neither the person I was nor the person she was "back then", who had gotten along so well for a time, existed anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
2BGoodAgain Posted January 7, 2020 Share Posted January 7, 2020 2 hours ago, elaine567 said: I was the dumper, didn't see a future but a great guy. Being friends seemed to me to be the logical next step. He'd contact me and come round for coffee, a meal, a chat but no touching no sex - Just friends. Fine I thought, how adult. We can put this behind us and move on as friends... Until the day when he said he missed me, he wanted me back, and he ended up in tears on my sofa... Oh dear, I realised how cruel I had been. Although it was very nice for me, it was hell for him as he wanted "more"... I learned a lesson that day. oh good, i was about to write to you about this, until the last 4 lines.. yeah, sometimes, when you end it, you should just end it like an executioner. it's really better for them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
healing light Posted January 7, 2020 Share Posted January 7, 2020 (edited) Okay, I'll bite. I spent time with my ex after our break up(s). I was technically the dumper. It makes me miss him more and wish certain things didn't happen that did, it's very hard to be around him and not be touchy feely. I never knew him as a friend first. I know we still both care about each other. So... it almost feels awkward to be around him and not holding hands, kissing, etc. Always left me a bit sad/confused/pining after he left, like I wanted to hop into a time machine and stay together before things hit the fan (he did things during an off period that were really self-destructive dealbreakers for me). That's just me, though. If you're not over each other, it brings up a whole range of emotions. Edited January 7, 2020 by healing light Edited to clarify: We hung out a few months after the breakup and were on/off for basically 1.5 years or so. Link to post Share on other sites
TeddyBundy1993 Posted January 7, 2020 Share Posted January 7, 2020 I ran into one of my ex 4 years after break up and we had sex 3 times on all 3 occasions we met. We both had unresolved feelings. But women see sex very differently from us horny males lol. I tried to continue our sexual relationship but she backed off a bit and got distance. A year after we totally terminated any contact and it has been 3 years none of us tried to contact another. Link to post Share on other sites
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