I [India,31F] and my SO [UK,29M] just completed one month together but complications rearing their head

[BeeEsDee]

I'm basically posting what I've posted on Reddit. But haven't received many responses. I'm looking for more perspectives before I take a decision. 

A bit of background:

We met through online chat exactly one month back. Within the first few hours of chat, we felt attracted to each other and barely 24 hours had passed that we confessed our love to each other (I know that's crazy and a giant red flag for most people, but it just happened for us).

He is sweet, caring, and lovable. I have a demanding job and he's been understanding enough to work things around my schedule. But as much as I love him and want to be with him, there are a few things that are making me clueless. I'd love for all you amazing people here on this sub to help me with your honest advice, insights and suggestions.

1. Communication

He is an introvert -- which I initially read as being someone who takes time to open up. For the first three of weeks, he kept a wonderful pace of communication. Though I should also mention here that he's not comfortable with phone calls (we've tried 3-4 times but he mostly remained silent during calls and later apologized for being shy and awkward). He is OK with video calls, though we always mute ourselves and chat via text even while on Skype.

For the first three weeks or so, he would text me multiple times a day, staying up late at night for me, even leaving romantic messages when I'm sleeping or at work and all of that. After which, he's slowed down to the point where I have to initiate most conversations and even then, he seems unable to communicate in anything more than one liners.

Now, I completely understand his need for space and alone time. So I'm wondering if this is a 'recharge' phase he's going through as he might have exhausted himself in the first few weeks?

2. His depression

He suffers from depression. I got to know this within 10 days of meeting him when he tried to shut himself down and went into a shell, wanting to cry, feeling useless etc. But even then, he didn't block me out completely and allowed me to help him out and make him feel better.

Of late, after he has quietened down, I feel he broods more, keeps to himself, and even looks sad. He has problems that he doesn't share and feels bogged down by them. I want to help but can't do anything about it. Also because of his introversion, I don't feel convincing him to talk is a good idea. So I try to leave him on his own and that leads to...

3. My anxiety

I'm a jittery and anxious person esp when it comes to personal relationships and I constantly worry and overthink things. The fact that he doesn't share his problems with me makes me feel distanced. On telling him this, his answer was "please babe don't worry. I'll tell you if there's something to worry about. Trust me please." (sic)

I'm not quite convinced because from his actions, it seems like something is bothering him constantly. (Or am I overthinking?)

Sometimes I crave a conversation or just want to ask him about his day, but feel discouraged thinking that I might be stepping on his personal space where he's seeking refuge or recharging himself. What's making things worse is, I can't talk to him about how I'm feeling cause that will probably make him feel worse about himself (I once cried to him about a personal problem and for the next couple of days, he was all down and feeling guilty that he can't even hug me to make me feel better).

Honestly, I feel extremely attracted and connected to him, love him, and truly hope we can stay together. He feels the same and even the thought of us breaking up makes him all sad and mopey. I'm a bit overwhelmed and clueless as to how to proceed (totally willing to go the extra mile) without compromising the emotional well-being of both of us.

Please feel free to offer your honest advice.

Tl/DR:

In LDR with an introvert, dealing with lack of communication and depression. Need advice on how to move forward.

[basil67]

He's not in the space to have a relationship...not local and especially not long distance.    And the reason your mutual 'love' is a giant red flag is because it's infatuation, not love.   I think you're caught up in 'feed good' hormones and are making more of this than you should.   It's time to stop reaching out.

[ExpatInItaly]

There are red flags all over this, OP.

Declaring love when you have never met each other in person is indeed one of them. You don't know this man. You love the idea of him and how his attention makes you feel, but he is still very much a stranger to you. I don't know if you have much dating experience, but in kindness, you seem to be conflating desire/infatuation with love. They are completely different entities. 

Another big red flag is that he won't really talk to you, and is already disappearing and showing signs of instability after just 30 days. I have to wonder if he's actually living with someone and doesn't want this person (possibly a live-in girlfriend or wife) to hear you or hear him speaking to you. That could also be the reason he goes quiet randomly - he's telling you it's depression, but it could also be that he is trying to hide you from someone who doesn't know he's meeting women online. 

Even if he is completely single, he is showing you pretty clearly that he isn't capable of having a real relationship. He especially isn't capable of anything long-distance. If speaking to him on the phone is this difficult, can you imagine how impossible it will be to actually meet face-to-face? I think he is using you for company and attention when it suits him, but has no plans to actually take this into the real world with you. 

In short? You're wasting your time and energy on this person. It more than likely isn't going to amount to anything. Sorry, girl. You can do better. 

[Foxhall]

Its likely that he made a special effort initially to win you over,

once he felt he had secured a girlfriend he lost a bit of that hunger to keep the chat going and so on, 

As an introvert myself, well or on the introverted side at least, I need my own space, I need time out to relax, I would not be up for constant messaging and video calls at the early stages, I would prefer to build things slowly,

so with that in mind, this guy could still be compatible for you, just be prepared to take things slower.

However it will not be possible to build a relationship long distance online with a guy who prefers not to be overly communicative,

it could work but only if you take a long term view and can somehow arrange at least two to three meetings in person this year.

 

[SincereOnlineGuy]

On 1/6/2020 at 11:03 PM, BeeEsDee said:

I'm basically posting what I've posted on Reddit. But haven't received many responses. I'm looking for more perspectives before I take a decision. 

A bit of background:

We met through online chat exactly one month back. Within the first few hours of chat, we felt attracted to each other and barely 24 hours had passed that we confessed our love to each other (I know that's crazy and a giant red flag for most people, but it just happened for us).

He is sweet, caring, and lovable. I have a demanding job and he's been understanding enough to work things around my schedule. But as much as I love him and want to be with him, there are a few things that are making me clueless. I'd love for all you amazing people here on this sub to help me with your honest advice, insights and suggestions.

1. Communication

He is an introvert -- which I initially read as being someone who takes time to open up. For the first three of weeks, he kept a wonderful pace of communication. Though I should also mention here that he's not comfortable with phone calls (we've tried 3-4 times but he mostly remained silent during calls and later apologized for being shy and awkward). He is OK with video calls, though we always mute ourselves and chat via text even while on Skype.

For the first three weeks or so, he would text me multiple times a day, staying up late at night for me, even leaving romantic messages when I'm sleeping or at work and all of that. After which, he's slowed down to the point where I have to initiate most conversations and even then, he seems unable to communicate in anything more than one liners.

Now, I completely understand his need for space and alone time. So I'm wondering if this is a 'recharge' phase he's going through as he might have exhausted himself in the first few weeks?

2. His depression

He suffers from depression. I got to know this within 10 days of meeting him when he tried to shut himself down and went into a shell, wanting to cry, feeling useless etc. But even then, he didn't block me out completely and allowed me to help him out and make him feel better.

Of late, after he has quietened down, I feel he broods more, keeps to himself, and even looks sad. He has problems that he doesn't share and feels bogged down by them. I want to help but can't do anything about it. Also because of his introversion, I don't feel convincing him to talk is a good idea. So I try to leave him on his own and that leads to...

3. My anxiety

I'm a jittery and anxious person esp when it comes to personal relationships and I constantly worry and overthink things. The fact that he doesn't share his problems with me makes me feel distanced. On telling him this, his answer was "please babe don't worry. I'll tell you if there's something to worry about. Trust me please." (sic)

I'm not quite convinced because from his actions, it seems like something is bothering him constantly. (Or am I overthinking?)

Sometimes I crave a conversation or just want to ask him about his day, but feel discouraged thinking that I might be stepping on his personal space where he's seeking refuge or recharging himself. What's making things worse is, I can't talk to him about how I'm feeling cause that will probably make him feel worse about himself (I once cried to him about a personal problem and for the next couple of days, he was all down and feeling guilty that he can't even hug me to make me feel better).

Honestly, I feel extremely attracted and connected to him, love him, and truly hope we can stay together. He feels the same and even the thought of us breaking up makes him all sad and mopey. I'm a bit overwhelmed and clueless as to how to proceed (totally willing to go the extra mile) without compromising the emotional well-being of both of us.

Please feel free to offer your honest advice.

Tl/DR:

In LDR with an introvert, dealing with lack of communication and depression. Need advice on how to move forward.

 

I'm not coming up with any harsh critiques of this...  yet with so many complexities I just wonder if two individuals can even navigate the many obstacles while maintaining their respective attention on the potential union.

It is very fair that each of you, as individuals, deserve to work toward a potential future together, and you may even be learning scores and scores about yourselves in the process, stuff that may help markedly down the road, whether somehow together, or independent of one another.

JUST when you iron-out the unique effects of your own personalities ON your partner, then that pesky half-a-world of distance will be in the way.

 

No doubt each of you yearns to invest your feelings in someone out there...  and it IS conceivable that if each is willing to stay in place while sharing mutual investments that way, the future could bring you together, even for a lifetime.   

It's just that, there are enough factors present that it will be especially challenging to effect the storybook ending.

But, you only live once, so maybe go ahead and give it your best shots??

 

 

[BeeEsDee]

Thanks everyone for putting it out there.

So after taking into account multiple perspectives and my own thoughts on this matter, I have decided to take it real slow. I think it's better I convince myself to not worry about the fate of a relationship that's barely started, relax, and focus on my well being. If it eventually happens, it will. If it doesn't, it was never meant to be. And, I can come to terms with that.

Though I'm not in a hurry to end this either. Just waiting to see how things shape up. I agree that I have barely gotten to know this man and aside from his quirks, he seems interesting enough for me to want to know him more. To some, it might feel like a waste of time and they'd rather find someone closer home or at least compatible. Then again, that probably means testing the waters and I'm not in the mind space to do that.

I felt a connection with this person when I least expected it (on a book club forum) and a part of me still wants to see where this goes. So, for now, I think I'll disengage a bit, focus on building my startup, and relax.

At best, it works. At worst, I'll take home an experience. That's how I'm seeing this.

Thanks again for all your insights!

[SincereOnlineGuy]

The connection alone may indeed warm your insides to the point of strong personal motivation  of the sort not as easy to manufacture on your own.

And when you are inspired from within  you can attain wonderful things.

So your stance is fantastic as described.