HusbandFather77 Posted January 7, 2020 Share Posted January 7, 2020 Have been separated since 10/28/2019. I have been going through all types of terrible emotions these past couple of months such as anger and sadness. I was forced to leave the marital home because I just couldn't deal with the abuse I was enduring any longer. I turned me into someone I didn't know...someone who wanted to die...someone who felt hopeless for the future. That is when I knew I had to leave. I posted a lot of what I was going through over on the marriage forum several months back. The most frustrating part is that my wife will not even show me enough respect to admit that she doesn't want to change at all. She continues to say she wants to save the marriage and that she loves me but yet she doesn't want to do anything to change the course of what is going on. I am being stonewalled and deceived because she doesn't want the divorce to happen because it will not be financially beneficial to her. I am still feeling pretty lost right now...it's 2:35am and I can't sleep tonight. I am going to do some reading here in the hopes that it will help me to feel better. For anyone who is interested here is my original post from last year: https://www.loveshack.org/forums/topic/588136-financial-amp-other-differences/ Link to post Share on other sites
notbroken Posted January 7, 2020 Share Posted January 7, 2020 At this point, the best thing you could do would be to fast track the divorce. Waiting will just extend your pain and recovery. As a comedian said (and it is not funny in this case) - "Get er done". Seriously, delaying won't help you and even if you did get back to her the future doesn't look good based on you being that low in the relationship. Just too difficult to come back from that. Fix it or break it - as fast as possible. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wasted30years Posted January 8, 2020 Share Posted January 8, 2020 My wife wasn't as bad as yours, but just as self centered in every other way, and after 30 years of being treated as less than in the marriage, despite her many words to the contrary, I can't take it and I'm gone. We've argued bitterly every 6 months for 30 years, and last few years a LOT more often than that. I've had enough of being told that I'm not worth $100, but she's worth every penny she decides to spend. And not just money, but double standards in behavior, and in spite of numerous examples of the things she does big and small (up there for the worst was when she forged my signature for a real estate offer... and saw nothing wrong with that!), she tells me I'm just making it up so I can be upset. I've got my own issues to be sure, but in 30 years, I've never once demanded every bit of her resource for only myself ( I've never demanded any of her resources period!), and I've never told her that the hurt I've inflicted on her is all made up in her head (I get that always...). It'll never get better if she won't admit, and act on, her issues, and she won't. At some point, you just hurt yourself more by staying. I'm sure the stupidity of staying in this poor marriage is half the reason I had prostate cancer. When your health suffers for trying to do the "right thing" you're probably not doing the right thing. If that makes sense. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 8, 2020 Share Posted January 8, 2020 On 1/6/2020 at 11:37 PM, HusbandFather77 said: I have been going through all types of terrible emotions these past couple of months such as anger and sadness. I was forced to leave the marital home because I just couldn't deal with the abuse I was enduring any longer. A therapist would ask you to think about the contradiction in those two sentences. Escaping abuse should be empowering rather than sad. And a chance to get you life back should in itself provide enough motivation to move forward with the necessary steps. Don't get mired in the drama, think about the where you want to be a year from now. Keep your eyes on the prize... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PinkFlamingo Posted January 8, 2020 Share Posted January 8, 2020 But how is your wife financially benefitting from your right now? I thought you had to give up your job because you were disabled and she was clinging to the marriage for emotional reasons. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HusbandFather77 Posted January 9, 2020 Author Share Posted January 9, 2020 Escaping was empowering...but...I am still terribly sad about losing everything. I had to leave my home, my daughter, most of the property, etc. I had to start over completely and she doesn't seem to care in the least. That is why I am angry and sad...I am sorry if it doesn't make sense...but it's the truth about how I feel. She is benefiting financially because she got to keep everything except for my car and my computer..I had to completely change everything. I want her to buy me out of the house...it's my house and the dogs being there they are destroying it inside and the property (digging holes, scratching doors, etc.). She is not really clinging to anything anymore...she says she wants to save the marriage but she will not provide any substantive plan on how to correct the 13 issues I outlined to her in my letter. She has responded but her responses are very confusing, deceptive, and evasive. I am just really hurt...I though this woman cared for me. In reality I think she just wanted to control me and it was all about her. She cares what other people think about her (which is why I think she is saying she wants to save the marriage) but when I ask for substance like how do you plan to address the 13 concerns that I brought up in my letter..she turns around and responds to only 1 of the 13 items with a huge long email that is very confusing and seems more about her feelings and bringing up my faults then addressing the issue. She has a masters degree and is the deputy chief of an organization with the Federal Government. She manages people and deals with all different kinds of personality...you don't hold that kind of position by not knowing how to be clear and concise with people. When she responds to me the way she does I am positive it is to confuse me, frustrate me, and control me by keeping me from making any forward progress. There is no sense of urgency or conviction on her part in any of her actions. I have been gone for 2.5 months and she just says "she loves me" and "she wants to save the marriage" "she missed me on Christmas" but she isn't taking any action to change it. It's all words and she is just going on about her life like I meant nothing. This is the stuff that really hurts me I guess. Link to post Share on other sites
spiritedaway2003 Posted January 9, 2020 Share Posted January 9, 2020 I remembered that thread. Change is incredibly hard. Especially moving on from a long term relationship. You can still feel empowered for leaving a bad situation, but still sad about ending a long term relationship where you shared so much of your lives together. I hope you have a therapist to help you sort through some of the issues you're facing, or friends you can talk with. From all that I have learned myself in the last couple of months from whatever I was going through, I would just say: 1. Focus on getting yourself back into a healthy place first. This, in itself, is actually quite a process in itself. 2. It almost sounds like you still want to save the marriage. You can't save a marriage if only one person is in it. You have honestly ask yourself, "is she?" Have you both gone through to counseling (marital and financial) counseling together? If she's not on the same page, accept that you can't save it on your own. 3. "One day at a time" is my mantra these days. Focus on mindfulness. It helps when you're up at night, and drifting and thinking about things you don't have much control over. Take care. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HusbandFather77 Posted January 10, 2020 Author Share Posted January 10, 2020 I was willing to consider it if she was able to come up with some substance and tell me how she planned to address the 13 items on the list. After today though I am sure she "is not in it". Aside from her lack of urgency and conviction she is very vague and confusing with her responses to me. Lastly, I went through the finances today in preparation for meeting with the attorney tomorrow. In doing this I discovered that she borrowed approximately $10,000 from someone (likely her parents) and paid off a number of credit cards. She also charged up other credit cards and even obtained a couple new ones. It is all in her name but the thing that confuses me is that she fought with me daily about paying off the one card she had that was 29.99% interest. She paid that card off along with a couple others after I left. It is obvious she is moving on with her life and not including me in any of this. I got emotional earlier this evening after this...I guess what hurts the most is the deception. If we could just both agree that it's over we could save thousands of dollars...but no she will not do that...she is going to force me to spend the money on an attorney and file...that's what I am going to do. I can't trust a word she says and that just became that much more clear today. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 Everything in your thread says “she doesn’t give a damn about you” her words are meaningless. my advice is get off the hopium drug and get the D behind you. you are keeping yourself in this for what purpose? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 11 hours ago, HusbandFather77 said: Escaping was empowering...but...I am still terribly sad about losing everything. I had to leave my home, my daughter, most of the property, etc. I had to start over completely and she doesn't seem to care in the least. That is why I am angry and sad...I am sorry if it doesn't make sense...but it's the truth about how I feel. Sympathies, no doubt it is very hard. That said, the advice above is solid. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted January 12, 2020 Share Posted January 12, 2020 Hire an attorney. Draft the divorce papers. Ask for exactly what your state law says you are entitled to and nothing more. When she refuses to sign go right to trial. The judge will divide assets and debts and that will be that. It will be cheaper in the long run than wasting billable hours on false negotiations so she can drag out the divorce. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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