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I'm an insecure girlfriend.


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So, my boyfriend and I have been together for about a year and four months, and I still can't help but feel somewhat jealous and insecure when other girls come into the picture. I can't help but think that he'll find someone prettier or better for him and leave me. He assures me that this won't happen and that he only has eyes for me, but I can't help but feel this way.

His brother is dating a young woman who shares many similar interests with my boyfriend (ie. anime, movies, books, etc.), she's very pretty and friendly and she likes to text him a lot regarding these topics or regarding his brother (she is in a long-distance relationship with the brother). I've expressed to my bf that I don't like how often they communicate, and their texting has slowly decreased, but I can't help but fear that he'll slowly start liking her instead of me. 

Also, my bf is very into church, and I hardly ever attend church. Deep down, I fear he'll find someone there who is more in tune with his faith and beliefs, and this also scares me. 

Are these fears completely irrational, or is there some truth behind them?

 

Thank you. 

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There will ALWAYS be someone prettier...or younger...or cleverer but we need to have faith in ourselves.   If we don't have faith, the insecurity becomes a self fulfilling prophecy where the insecurity drives them away.  

That said, if you aren't compatible with his life and beliefs, it could create a rift.   Does he wish you were more church-going or does he not care?

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8 minutes ago, basil67 said:

There will ALWAYS be someone prettier...or younger...or cleverer but we need to have faith in ourselves.   If we don't have faith, the insecurity becomes a self fulfilling prophecy where the insecurity drives them away.  

That said, if you aren't compatible with his life and beliefs, it could create a rift.   Does he wish you were more church-going or does he not care?

He says that he would like for me to at least give it a chance, but it doesn't create many issues. 

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You have to realise that he has chosen, and continues to choose every day, to be with you. Nobody knows what the future holds - maybe he will leave you, maybe you will leave him, maybe you'll get married and be together forever. But right now the biggest threat to your relationship is not some other woman, it's YOU. Your jealousy will kill the relationship really fast, especially if you try to control him and cut him off from his potential future sister in law.

I know controlling this is easier said than done but it comes down to trust. Do you trust him to stay loyal to you? If yes, then you have nothing to worry about. If no, then you have bigger problems than someone else being pretty or into movies...

 

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I guess I'm not clear as to where your anxiety is being generated.

The small window you have opened into your BFs life isn't of someone who casually breaks their vows. I've a big believer in gut feeling. Where everything seems normal but you have feeling it's all wrong. Has he ever given you any concrete reason to be suspicious aside from texting his brother's GF? You do get to read the texts? Right?  If not, then you will have to work on yourself to control these feelings.

I would recommend that you attend church with him. It doesn't matter if you believe or not. It doesn't require you learn a skill or become involved in an interest of his but not yourself. By attending you will be supporting him and will strengthen your bond and it won't harm you one bit. I promise.

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If you don't restrain yourself from showing your deep insecurity, you will create what you fear most.  It is a huge turnoff for anyone to tear themselves down and say how they don't measure up.  I mean, my advice on here to anyone whose partner was doing that would be if they say they're not good enough, believe them.  So don't sabotage yourself.  If you have insecurity, do something about it that doesn't involve him.  

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14 hours ago, basil67 said:

There will ALWAYS be someone prettier...or younger...or cleverer but we need to have faith in ourselves.   If we don't have faith, the insecurity becomes a self fulfilling prophecy where the insecurity drives them away. 

^^this^^

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Going to church and having a strong believe is very deep/personal thing. This will be an issue down the road if things go further. Attending church and just going through the motions is counter productive..it's either you want to, and are looking for faith, or not. There is no in between and it wouldn't be fair to him because that would give him false hope.

I don't think him meeting someone else will be the demise of your relationship, but the incompatibility will. That's why you are feeling this way, because of the things he has in common with another and not with you. Compatibility is so very crucial for a relationship to last for the long haul. This thing with his brother's GF has brought this to light.

Edited by smackie9
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Your fears are a function of your own insecurities.  Instead of focusing on what your BF is doing & who he's talking to, develop your own self esteem.  Until you do that, every man you ever meet will leave you feeling unbalanced, not because they are bad guys but because no external validation will ever be enough for you.  You have to learn to like yourself. 

That said, if there are more points where you disconnect, rather then have similar interests, that may be an indication that the relationship has issues.  While Church going is not a generally a requirement for a GF, it can become a criteria when looking for a spouse.  

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Very secure people don't completely freak out after a breakup.  They're sad, but they don't take it as a failure or personal affront because they know they're worth and they know they can stand alone and will be just fine.  You have to get to a point where the end of the world isn't when you break up and just realize people are different and don't always stay together forever.

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On 1/7/2020 at 3:07 AM, Kitkat25 said:

So, my boyfriend and I have been together for about a year and four months, and I still can't help but feel somewhat jealous and insecure when other girls come into the picture. I can't help but think that he'll find someone prettier or better for him and leave me. He assures me that this won't happen and that he only has eyes for me, but I can't help but feel this way.

You need to talk to a therapist to help you get unstuck from this mindset because not doing so will bring about the very thing you want to avoid.

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Well if you start telling him whom he cant talk to, you are viewing him as an object and not a human being.  If a woman started telling me who I can and cannot talk with, I call it a day.

One thing to have these insecurities, but you are starting to take it out on him. 

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CallienteMami

 It's not uncommon to feel a bit insecure especially at a young age.

So let's take a look at his actions.

Does he hide texts or calls from you? Does he show up when he said he would?                                                     Is he flirting with her casually in front of you?                                                       Does she him?

Does he gush over you, making you feel special, do you him?

As the poster above said there will always be someone prettier, bigger boobed, shorter or taller, skinnier, plumper, etc... You focus on you and do what makes you happiest.

Listen to your self and your gut. If something seems oddly off it could be nothing or your senses could be right.

You deserve to be secure and emotionally well. 

My insecurities went away as I got older, they were for nothing turns out, been married a long time. 

Also there is nothing wrong with feeling some sorta way about them chit chatting, trust him till he gives you a reason to shut it down. Then shut it down... 

Good luck dear. 

 

Edited by CallienteMami
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