Struggling

[Ellener]

The holidays were really stressful in the shared house where I live, I'm looking for a new home, so I've been feeling very anxious the past week and yesterday at my doctor appointment I had a mild panic attack. The doctor knows me but not that well, she said 'you can trust me' and I blurted out 'I don't trust anyone!'

Replaying it in my head later I thought, wow, is that true? 

I thought I was over all this, or well on the way, and it seems like the slightest thing can set me back.

Trying to evaluate what that means for me and relationships, wondering if I'll ever be ready.

 

[Ellener]

It's not very interesting I know ( 0 replies!  ) but I don't want to start another thread so I'll blather on here to myself...it's 5 something am, I'm waking very early even before the others in the house so I guess somewhat depressed which can be a pattern for me just after the holidays if it's stressful, then this is the anniversary of when my dad died. 

I'm thinking through my housing situation, part of me is wanting to stay here even though it's less than ideal because if I buy or rent a place of my own my adult son will be able to land home if he has a frustrating time launching his career this year when he graduates college. We've discussed living together and neither of us wants to at this stage, but it's the path of least resistance when life gets difficult at his age! 

Booked a counselling appointment and spending a lot of time in nature and doing positive things. 

 

 

 

 

[nospam99]

@ellener. I'm just responding because of your semi-complaint that no one else had yet.

Like what I assume are most people, I too deal with stress. Among the things I do to try to deal with the stress is to adopt some healthy lifestyle habits ...
- healthy food (more fruits and veggies, fewer carbs, rare red meat, fish and fowl for protein, pretty much open season on dairy fats)
- plenty of good sleep (pure diurnal - sleep when the world is dark, don't sleep when the world is light, NEVER need to set the alarm)
- exercise to get the endorphins going - yoga or could be as simple as a 40 minute brisk walk
- meditation (which also helps falling asleep) - The Relaxation Response by Herbert Benson - a classic - or I found this after a quick google search https://www.innerpeacefellowship.org/how-to-meditate.html?gclid=EAIaIQobChMIipeblJP05gIVDJyzCh1jYwpEEAAYAyAAEgIHb_D_BwE

[alphamale]

what did the doctor say about your mental/emotional health?  are you taking any psychotropic medications?

[Ellener]

7 hours ago, nospam99 said:

@ellener. I'm just responding because of your semi-complaint that no one else had yet.

Thank you very much! I was hoping it came across more an observation, because it does help me loads to 'put it out there' and if I'd had the energy/right mind I would have expanded to say- 'see this is why online dating messes up', ie it's hard enough in real life never mind online! Thanks for all your suggestions, yes holistic health is my friend, and-

 

7 hours ago, alphamale said:

are you taking any psychotropic medications?

no, well a small amount of beta blocker for the anxiety, small amount of adderall for the ADD. I don't tolerate meds well and they don't mix well when you get more than one diagnosis.

[Angelflower]

Hope your feeling better... Where I live it has been extremely darker than usual this time of year. I have a disorder called SADD. In the winter time I use a special light in the mornings that really helps. Maybe it would help you too... 

[Ellener]

3 minutes ago, Ellener said:

a small amount of beta blocker for the anxiety, small amount of adderall for the ADD. I don't tolerate meds well and they don't mix well when you get more than one diagnosis.

to expand upon that- most doctors won't accept that such tiny doses once in a blue moon can be anything but placebo. Nor would the psychiatrist accept I can't take adderall more than once or twice at the lowest dose without messing up my sleep. It's not what they're taught ( via pharmaceutical companies apparently )  But it's my general belief that holistic health for three or four months ( or however long it takes for you ) resets the body to heal itself, until you are worn out with age.

I will say @alphamale I could never tolerate anti depressants for long, then as the years went on doctors told me they were way better now, but the early one I took was actually the most efficient, maybe because it sort-of dealt with the attention issue ( amytriptiline I think it was caused, don't think it's used now )

[Ellener]

9 minutes ago, Angelflower said:

Hope your feeling better... Where I live it has been extremely darker than usual this time of year. I have a disorder called SADD. In the winter time I use a special light in the mornings that really helps. Maybe it would help you too... 

Will look into it, like the world over the weather/sky is crazy now here and being tropical probably is no longer enough. Thank you!!!

[Foxhall]

You could buy a nice balloon, write down all your thoughts that are bothering you on it, and then let it go into the sky,

 

might give you peace of mind temporarily

[alphamale]

2 hours ago, Ellener said:

to expand upon that- most doctors won't accept that such tiny doses once in a blue moon can be anything but placebo. Nor would the psychiatrist accept I can't take adderall more than once or twice at the lowest dose without messing up my sleep. It's not what they're taught ( via pharmaceutical companies apparently )  But it's my general belief that holistic health for three or four months ( or however long it takes for you ) resets the body to heal itself, until you are worn out with age.

I will say @alphamale I could never tolerate anti depressants for long, then as the years went on doctors told me they were way better now, but the early one I took was actually the most efficient, maybe because it sort-of dealt with the attention issue ( amytriptiline I think it was caused, don't think it's used now )

well Ellener,, just keep in touch with your doctor....there are always new and more effective drugs coming on the market.  one may be made just for you.  with these types of meds you sometimes have to experiment a lot with different ones before you find the right one.

[SumGuy]

On 1/7/2020 at 5:12 AM, Ellener said:

The holidays were really stressful in the shared house where I live, I'm looking for a new home, so I've been feeling very anxious the past week and yesterday at my doctor appointment I had a mild panic attack. The doctor knows me but not that well, she said 'you can trust me' and I blurted out 'I don't trust anyone!'

Replaying it in my head later I thought, wow, is that true? 

I thought I was over all this, or well on the way, and it seems like the slightest thing can set me back.

Trying to evaluate what that means for me and relationships, wondering if I'll ever be ready.

 

It's amazing what stress at the right time can trigger and bring up.   I don't believe there is any perfect time we are ready, just likely ready enough and the only way to find out for sure is to try.

It sounds to me that your living situation would place any one under stress, and a lapse is not the same as a relapse...to use language from the addiction sphere

I'm not a big one for meds, and knowing way to much about them I don't discount your physical reaction to them at all.  The doctors are going off of the general response, but if you read the product insert I bet there were those in the trials who had the same reactions you did.  There are many meds for the same thing though in the realm of psychiatry and it is common I understand that it make take trying several different ones, let alone decisions made by insurance companies that the old meds with more side effects are "good enough". 

For trying to find a med that works for you, you need a good doctor, make sure the wash out periods are done correctly, especially if you are sensitive (which may be due to how you metabolize them, which is huge and your diet can impact that).  Not that I'd recommend meds as a first thing to try, as said above, sleep, exercise and diet can work wonders in helping one deal even if the issues don't disappear.

As to SADD and general malaise, I found a liquid Vitamin D supplement to do wonders, especially when can't get enough skin sun exposure in winter.  You can over do vitamin D I understand so read the label and be careful with it. If your a vegetarian, you might also benefit from vitamin B12 and a good source of iron.  

[Ellener]

Thanks SumGuy.

I live in one of the world's 'sinking cities' ie we are severely affected by climate change. It's pretty stressful. We got a severe weather warning last night and all hunkered down, then nothing happened. 

The only way I could medicate myself is by being 'out of it' for some of the time. I might as well get drunk! I used to use Valium more for individual days, but then the FDA decided that was unacceptable....in case I got addicted. 

America's still working it out.

[SumGuy]

@Ellener

I used to live in tornado ally, remember almost every birthday running to the storm shelter...can I suggest REO Speedwagon "Riding the Storm Out"     

I have to say the FDA is correct on Valium and the whole class of benzodiazepines are very addictive, and besides some messed up side effects, you can't just stop using them as that can kill you.  A very bad class of compounds that never should have been approved in my opinion, yet they still do.  Having seen what a benzo addiction can do to people it's very bad, worse than opiods in my opinion and that is bad.  I guess in America drug dealing is OK as long as a corporation or the CIA is doing it.

In some states marijuana is legal, perhaps that is a safer self medication to be out of it.   

[Ellener]

What I found with any addictive substance is you just can't do it daily...I'm English so we have a huge tolerance naturally too, read the history of the middle ages and no one was sober in Europe for long! 

Tornado alley...I remember living in NW Arkansas and the sky turned green, my son was just a little boy and I said 'we are going to have to get in this ditch',just as we got out of the car the storm moved. But Harvey did a number on me, I didn't even know I was affected until weeks later when it became apparent the HOA weren't allowing me to use the named storm insurance and my other insurance said they wouldn't cover it because it was supposed to be covered. I went to the homeowner meeting and the HOA chairperson said 'nobody wants to hear about your problems!' I said it's a shared roof, it's going to be all our problems...then when it rained in again and brought the downstairs guy's ceiling down for the second time, he said let's do a lawsuit. And that's when I decided to cut my losses, a lawsuit isn't a good way to spend my life for me!

The older lady and her daughter I live with they just are mean people, but they don't realise it. They think they're nice. And my friends who own the place of course they just want the check every month and to be left out of any drama, in fact I don't even think of them any more as friends, they would not expect me to tolerate this awful atmosphere if they were my friends. 

A friend came over yesterday and observed, you're just a lodger here. All my friends are helping me find somewhere else now but my anxiety is off the charts. Nobody would believe the atmosphere here, I've never met anyone who can be so disapproving...and really I'm not doing anything worse than sitting in my room drinking too much, thinking too much. I don't even have the volume on the tv most of the time because the teen seems super noise-sensitive.

I'm an inconvenient truth!

The teenager here is a little genius, there's a gift in every situation, it has been a wonderful experience to watch her create these really great works of art. It looks like she'll be going to the Paris Art Institute next year. But my friend was here yesterday and looked at the painting on the table, which is a child in a bottle, she said this is brilliant but a little sad. The mothers hadn't even noticed what to me was an obvious representation of at least teen angst but more probably if this atmosphere's affecting me what must it be doing to the kids?

I've tried everything I can think of but it's just not going to work out. I'm a happy person. She is not.

She even got a kitten last week and it's now locked in her bathroom. Finally yesterday I went and got the cat and just hugged it for a couple of hours, she said it was having difficulty settling in and she thought it was my dog, well, my dog didn't react at all nor the cat to the dog. I said I don't think so, anyway she wasn't pleased that the cat was now settled, she told me not to touch the cat when she's not here, she doesn't want it leaving the room.

Who locks up a kitten? The last cat died of neglect, it looks like this one will be the same. I wasn't at all judgmental when she told me how upset she was that the older cat was sick and she didn't know. She did know though, I'd mentioned numerous times I thought there was something wrong and so had others, she just wouldn't listen. But I just said don't think negative stuff, what's done is done. Another friend said 'you're enabling her bad behaviour'.

I should have known what she would be like from day one, I have the cutest of cute dogs, and for months she was mean to her. I'm kicking myself to have come here, I thought I was going to be supported by my friends but they just need the money. And I suspect a diversion for her, she was wrecking the new marriage before I came along and became 'the problem'.

 

 

[Ellener]

Made a counselling appointment for tomorrow, I have a really good therapist 👍

[Ellener]

Ok, seen therapist, made some plans, done some self-care.

Dating still on hold but I have explored and learned to search better on match.com and I have in my own mind set limits on the pseudo-romance-relationship with my friend.

Now to earn some more money and have the chat with my son that he's no longer going to be able to spend it 😅

[Ellener]

This is turning into my own little journal!

Had a few rough moments this week but felt I can deal. Few tears, lots of time outdoors, counselling session.

Lovely lunch with my son who owed me $500 and I was concerned it was setting a precedent or something, he reminded me I should have sent him my bank details to transfer it back! We went for a walk after, it is the third time in two months I have had a lovely few hours with him and finally allayed any fears about his future. He's his own man now. 

My little side gig job has run its course, time to work full-time at something paying my professional rate. I will stick around because my boss's mother died and she needs a bit of support but my own bookings are coming in more ( I can earn as much in an hour for them as two days there so it's a no-brainer, I have had fun and learned a lot of new skills though ) plus a course I planned to do last year and cancelled twice just sent me re-enrollment details for March, so I'll plan on that. I'm writing my first book too, I am starting to work on it daily.

Things have calmed down in the house so I can look for the best fit situation for me, not be in a hurry. There is now no doubt in my mind this older lady is developing dementia, so it's a short-term arrangement but so long as it's mutually beneficial and liveable I can stay for a few more weeks. We'll see. It's a new life challenge for my living arrangements to be so precarious but if I'm going to stay here, with the endless storm/flood challenges, well they are skills I need to avoid a breakdown the next big weather event. 

Not in a hurry to find my next 'soulmate' but am enjoying all the attention and flirting from being slim and almost-fit!

It's all good.

 

 

 

 

 

[Cookiesandough]

Glad things are working themselves out for you and you’re in a better place, Ellener. 

[d0nnivain]

Hi Ellener 

I am just now seeing this.  Don't know why I missed it. But let me see if I can help. . .

As for your meds, I am not a believer in better living through chemistry although I do drink.  I had a very expensive DNA test done which showed most anti-anxiety meds are contraindicated to me.  Armed with that test, it was easier to get the doctors to stop trying to shove happy pills down my throat.  

I got my best relief from my anxiety & depression by going back to church.  Reconnecting with my faith helped more then anything but deep breathing is a good thing too. Exercise / movement releases positive endorphins.   I also found benefit in keeping a gratitude journal.  Every morning write down 3 good things.  Then write 3 more at night.  They can be profound but don't have to be.  Try that.  Once per week read the entries. 

Your son is making excuses about the money. He could have come up with cash or written you a check.  He didn't need your bank details to send you the money.  

Good for you for making the therapy appointment  I hope you get some benefit out of it. 

I do think that when you get your own living space things will improve.  Being with mean people is a bummer.  I worry about that poor cat.  

Hang in there.  

[Ellener]

Hi dOnnivain, thanks.

I was already acquainted with a very knowledgeable older psychiatrist who told me anxiety as in panic attacks needs medicating through beta blockers as the heart rate rises- bring it back down then the adrenalin and cortisol production slows down too. It does literally feel like you are going to die during a panic attack, the first couple I thought I was having a heart attack. He pointed out I have mild ADD which doesn't help ( I've had that diagnosis before ) but I just don't tolerate meds well. Which is interesting as I have a huge tolerance to alcohol...and why I don't drink most of the year.

I have a strong faith but have found churches more stressful than anything else. I have several I am connected to and/or work at, and I often visit services in places I've never been before. Nature is my church too.

Cats will get their own way in the end, if she wants to spend half her time chasing a kitten to put it back I'm sure it will have fun with that! I suspect she's already given up, it's generally out when I go in and out now. It comes to me and I felt she wanted to say 'don't touch my cat!' but it's clearly a petty thing to say. My dog thinks it's the same cat as before and has little response as before.

3 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Hang in there.  

I will!!!

 

[preraph]

Instead of sending your son your "bank details," just let him pay you on Venmo or Paypal or somewhere where all he needs to have is your email address, just so you don't have to worry about him having more access to your money.  

[Ellener]

2 hours ago, preraph said:

Instead of sending your son your "bank details," just let him pay you on Venmo or Paypal or somewhere where all he needs to have is your email address, just so you don't have to worry about him having more access to your money.  

It's more the dynamic than the money preraph, as in it's time for the complete separation between parent/child to an adult/adult relationship.

A lot of parents for this generation find their kids having a large degree of overinvolvement and dependence, I've been working on supporting him through some tough transitions whilst not setting up a lifetime pattern of coming home when he needs something. There's no need for me to be forceful about it and I am not worried about his honesty, I just know a lot of people whose children still go to them even in thirties and forties whenever they need help instead of taking care of themselves. 

Paypal is a good idea, I know how to do that!

 

[preraph]

You just don't want him able to see how much money you have in your account because it may make him feel like why not ask Mom for more money, she has some and I don't.  

[Ellener]

6 minutes ago, preraph said:

You just don't want him able to see how much money you have in your account because it may make him feel like why not ask Mom for more money, she has some and I don't.  

There's not a whole lot in my checking account. Can people do that? See your balance? I did have a bank clerk tell me if I set up a direct deposit for a customer they could take money out as well as put it in so I didn't set it up.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

7 minutes ago, Ellener said:

There's not a whole lot in my checking account. Can people do that? See your balance? I did have a bank clerk tell me if I set up a direct deposit for a customer they could take money out as well as put it in so I didn't set it up.

Here's what I know about this.  I don't think the bank clerk is correct.

I bank through Citizens Bank.  So does my ex-H.  He and I can transfer money back and forth to each other easily since we both have the same bank, but I can't see his info or withdraw money from his account, and vice versa.

However, my kids both have bank accounts at Citizens set up as an additional account on/under my account.  They were both minors when their accounts were opened. I can see everything that goes on in their accounts and transfer their money to me, or between each other, etc.  They cannot see my account or each other's account.  

I am self employed and basically only have two clients.  One full tme that pays the bills, another just a bit of work here and there.  My main one pays me through direct deposit and there's no way I'd be able to get into their accounts.  Same with the small one....she's paid me a few different ways, but usually uses Zelle, which goes straight into my bank account.

Venmo is an easy way for you and your son to shift money back and forth, too.