Should I get back together with my ex?

[Alex90]

We met 10 years ago, together as a couple for 5 years. We were engaged to be married and then had a child. We broke up 4 years ago mainly over mis-communication and too many other people having a say in our relationship. For about a year there wasn’t much contact between us apart from about our child.

Around Christmas we started talking again and figuring out what went wrong and discussed how we felt about each other. We both still loved each other and wanted to see how things went with a view to getting back together. For one reason or another it never materialised. I think it was down to not spending enough time together, multiple times plans got cancelled as other things got in the way. I read this rightly or wrongly as a lack of interest and let it go.

Over the next 3 years this has been happening at intervals where we seem to be great for a while and do stuff together, being intimate with each other and spending a lot of family time together. I have invited her to plenty of family do’s (weddings, birthdays etc.) and she has did the same in return. We’ve been away on holidays a few times (the 3 of us) and these have been fantastic. It was like we were a little family unit. She had mentioned before about getting back together properly and at the time I agreed but wanted to take things slowly and make sure we were doing the right thing. I felt the same things were happening as before i.e. plans being cancelled, not spending time together so it never really progressed.

We were stuck in a place of limbo for a while but things seemed to be really good for the past few months. We were spending a lot of time together again, physical intimacy was there and we both told each other again we loved each other. Up until this point neither of us had been with anyone else but she sprung it on me recently that she slept with another man about a month ago. She said it was a one night thing with alcohol involved and she instantly regretted it and felt guilty like she had done something wrong. As we weren’t officially together she didn’t do anything wrong but it feels wrong to me and has hurt me more than I ever thought it could. She re-iterated her feelings hadn’t changed towards me and wanted to be with me, at the time I was obviously shocked and needed time to think. In between the time she was with the other man and the time she told me, we had still been having sex/making love whatever you want to call it.

It has been a rollercoaster ride over the past few days and I still feel physically sick at the thought of her with another man. After a lot of thought I realised that I do still love her and would regret it if we didn’t give the relationship a proper go so I told her last night and asked her if this was 100% what she wanted. She then says she doesn’t know right now. My head is in a pickle. Every time in the past I have tried to start moving on in the past she shows interest in me again and I don’t know what to do.

I haven’t slept with anyone else from we met even after the breakup, I kissed a girl a while ago but stopped and instantly regretted it. Numerous other occasions there have been scenarios where someone else has shown an interest in me but I have backed away as I felt if I had have done something about it then it would be the end of us. The main question I have been asking myself is can I get past the fact she slept with another man and I’m confident I can, I’m struggling with whether or not I should though. It feels like a betrayal even though I know it wasn’t. My question is there any hope for our relationship if we get back together?

Thanks in advance

[JTSW]

This other man thing is something you just have to let go. 

It doesn't matter.

You need to tell her that you cannot live in limbo like this anymore and that if she doesn't want to get back together than you both cannot be intimate anymore.

You just have to remain friends and that's it. She seems to like being with you without the official label.

If she does then you both need to give it a proper go with no outside interference.

It's probably very confusing for your child (who you haven't even taken into consideration here).  

Edited January 7, 2020 by JTSW

[jeff0011]

Isn’t this harmful for your child? Must be confusing. Mom and dad are together sometimes and going on vacation.  Sometimes not?

It seems like you are a back up plan if she can’t find anyone better  

 

Edited January 7, 2020 by jeff0011

[Alex90]

Hi guys, thanks for the replies.

Apologies I didn't mention our child too much in my post, there was good reason for it. One reason I think I feared re-entering a full on relationship was the impact it may have on him negatively if things didn't work out. He only ever sees his parents happy in each others company and he has never seen us fall out or anything. As for being co-parents I always felt we were doing a really good job by spending the family time together so that he didn't miss out on what a 'traditional' family unit have.

In hindsight I can see what you both mean. Some food for thought, thanks

[schlumpy]

It's unusual for a woman to reveal her sexual past to a man she wants to be with. It's even stranger because of your on and off again relationship. Was she afraid you would find out through common friends or relatives, so she decided to get ahead of the curve? Do you know the man involved?

[Alex90]

Hi Schumpy, thanks for the reply.

She said nobody knows apart from her best friend who she confided in just before telling me. She didn’t give any names, I asked her is it someone I know and she said it wasn’t. I told her I wouldn’t want to be caught off guard by someone mentioning it to me but she assured me it’s nobody I know nor does he know me. I asked had they been in contact and she replied there hadn’t been any contact beforehand (as she didn’t know him) and hasn’t had any contact since nor will there ever be. I would love to believe it all.

After reflecting on it all I think it’s my ego that has been damaged as much as anything. She had never slept with anyone before we met, I had a few sexual partners before though. I think the fact we had been sleeping together around the same time shocked me the most. Apparently there was far too much alcohol taken (definitely out of character for her) and she can vaguely remember much at all about the night as a whole. She still seems to be harbouring guilt over it.

I have put myself in her shoes and if I’m honest it easily could have been me on a couple of occasions over the years. I have a pretty good idea of how I’d have felt and it would be the same (guilty feelings etc). Thinking about it pragmatically she was single at the time but it didn’t make it hurt any less.

[elaine567]

22 hours ago, Alex90 said:

She had mentioned before about getting back together properly and at the time I agreed but wanted to take things slowly and make sure we were doing the right thing. I felt the same things were happening as before i.e. plans being cancelled, not spending time together so it never really progressed.

You held back and didn't make it happen. 
You wanted "to take things slowly", too slowly and finally she went out and found someone else.
You had a very nice cosy FWB arrangement which suited you, as you didn't have to make any real decisions.
You left her in limbo, neither in a relationship or not, and that for the mother of a young child is not enough.
This ONS is a sign she is moving on.
It is now up to you whether you let her go or you actually "do" something to save your family.

[JTSW]

Don't sleep with her anymore unless she wants to make a proper go of your relationship.

Stick to co-parenting and that's it.

Forget about this one time guy and move on from it.

It's done. It's not important.

Kids are very perceptive and your child will pick up on any unease and awkwardness between you.

 

[Alex90]

Thanks for the replies guys.

Elaine you are right about the nice cosy FWB arrangement. I was too comfortable with how things were and whilst I always had feelings for her I seemed to be content with not rocking the boat so to speak.

JTSW so true about kids being very perceptive, the absolute last thing I would ever want to do is hurt or make things complicated for our son. I'm a child of divorced parents and their relationship was rocky a lot of the time so I dont want to be making the same mistakes. Not an excuse btw!

I've been on the fence for too long regarding our relationship which isn't healthy for anyone. I think she has been also to an extent as I felt at times over the past few years when I started to open up my heart again and tried organising dates etc. I felt her actions (cancelling plans) suggested she was unsure about us and she was holding back. 

I can see a positive outcome from all of this though. We're going to have to make a decision one way or the other and stick to it.