Kamal_Kaushal Posted January 7, 2020 Share Posted January 7, 2020 Hello All, I am married for 20 years and have two beautiful girls, one going to a top ive league college and other is high school. We have a very good relationship for last 20 years without any incidents. Last year in Oct 2019 I caught my wife sexting with her high school friend she found her on FB, looking at the chat messages it was very clear that they have relationship during high school and they are back in love. I discussed this with my wife and after a big fight and she apologizing and swearing for her kids, I told her I will give her one chance if she stops all this, I even warned the guy over the phone to stop talking to my wife. I believe she did not talk to him for about two weeks and then I had to go out of country for a week and at that point she again started talking to him, I again caught her and heard she is even talking about our sex life, how we do sex at night basically she is sharing every details with him and spending almost 3 - 4 hr every day on skype calls with him. I really don't want to spoil the carrier of my Kids as they and myself are working very hard for it. We are a lower middle class family and still want to give the best education to my kids at every cost. Please suggest how should I handle this. Thanks, Kamal Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted January 7, 2020 Share Posted January 7, 2020 Talk never gets you much. Inform the other mans wife if he’s married. as you’ve seen her word means nothing. cheaters lie a lot 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 7, 2020 Share Posted January 7, 2020 It's doubtful she is going to stop. If they are talking about your sex life it's only a matter of time before they start talking about their sex life with each other. I don't know what to advise you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted January 7, 2020 Share Posted January 7, 2020 Three things: You can wait it out and hope it fizzles. Reliving a past love life can be very addictive. It's all cream. You can out her to friends, family, the kids, her lovers wife and family, and whomever else you can think of in an attempt to blow the affair up. You can file for divorce and make the consequences real to her. The shock may bring her out of Affair land. Everything is a risk in life but I'd rather be in control then allowing someone else to push the buttons. It's about your own personal dignity. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted January 7, 2020 Share Posted January 7, 2020 I can guarantee that she never stopped talking to him. She went behind your back even after you warned her not to. You don't need to be married to give your girls the best education. She is no longer trustworthy so there is only one answer. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kamal_Kaushal Posted January 7, 2020 Author Share Posted January 7, 2020 2 hours ago, Marc878 said: Talk never gets you much. Inform the other mans wife if he’s married. as you’ve seen her word means nothing. cheaters lie a lot Yes the other person is married and have two Kids. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kamal_Kaushal Posted January 7, 2020 Author Share Posted January 7, 2020 1 hour ago, JTSW said: I can guarantee that she never stopped talking to him. She went behind your back even after you warned her not to. You don't need to be married to give your girls the best education. She is no longer trustworthy so there is only one answer. I understand I don't have to be married to give my girls the best education, but if they came to know about this, they will be totally disturbed and will have a big impact on there life. As they are very connected there mom and can never even dream that there Mom could do this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kamal_Kaushal Posted January 7, 2020 Author Share Posted January 7, 2020 1 hour ago, schlumpy said: Three things: You can wait it out and hope it fizzles. Reliving a past love life can be very addictive. It's all cream. You can out her to friends, family, the kids, her lovers wife and family, and whomever else you can think of in an attempt to blow the affair up. You can file for divorce and make the consequences real to her. The shock may bring her out of Affair land. Everything is a risk in life but I'd rather be in control then allowing someone else to push the buttons. It's about your own personal dignity. I am trying to gather some more proofs and then planing to talk to her Dad and Brother about this, we are very well connected family as always in Indian families. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted January 7, 2020 Share Posted January 7, 2020 7 minutes ago, Kamal_Kaushal said: Yes the other person is married and have two Kids. The best way to try and end an affair is by exposing to the other spouse. What you’ve done so far has accomplished nothing as you’ve seen. Keeping their secret can just enable it further. Her affair is already impacting your kids. They aren’t stupid and probably sense something is off. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 7, 2020 Share Posted January 7, 2020 1 hour ago, schlumpy said: You can out her to friends, family, the kids, her lovers wife and family, and whomever else you can think of in an attempt to blow the affair up. Be wary of broadcasting this to friends and family if there is a chance you will stay together. You may find that you can forgive and forget, but they may not and will make events thereafter "awkward" at best, to full ostracisation of your wife and maybe even you and your family too, at worst. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kamal_Kaushal Posted January 7, 2020 Author Share Posted January 7, 2020 1 minute ago, elaine567 said: Be wary of broadcasting this to friends and family if there is a chance you will stay together. You may find that you can forgive and forget, but they may not and will make events thereafter "awkward" at best, to full ostracisation of your wife and maybe even you and your family too, at worst. I will never broadcast this to friends but I am debating about talking to her parents about this. Link to post Share on other sites
2BGoodAgain Posted January 7, 2020 Share Posted January 7, 2020 protect yourself, protect your children, protect your relationship(if you think it's worthwhile).... most cheaters live in a fantasy world of rationalizing their actions b/c of x...relationship isn't good, my needs aren't being met, AP is the true love of my life... whatever it takes to rationalize their decision to cheat, to justify it. This type of affair looks like your wife seem to think this affair is bigger than her relationship with you. But only you can determine that. For whatever reason, your wife clearly feels her re-connected relationship with her HS ex, is somehow better/more fulfilling than her current life/relationship. You aren't responsible for protecting the other guy's life. His actions has consequences, and him having an affair with your wife, if it brings his life crashing down around him... well that's on him, tbh. Everything is in play, IF you want to protect your relationship with your wife. Having said that.... ask yourself if this relationship with your wife IS WORTH it. Some spouses fight hard to protect the relationship/family/kids... and sometimes they win, sometimes they lose... but you might regret it if you did nothing... some may tell you to throw in the towel and let your wife go and let her make her life choices without you... in which case, it's time to end this relationship if she doesn't have the respect to stay faithful to the relationship that you two vowed to keep. For me, it wasn't until my fiancee ended things with me, that i finally woke up from whatever rationalization i made to make my cheating justifiable. In the end, that's what it took for me to wake up from my delusions and i'm starting to see again why i fell for her, and why my AP and I never worked out in the 12 years we were involved. So the choice is obviously yours... but you have to ask yourself... is this relationship worth saving? For you. For your family. For your daughters?... if it is, then fight for it. At least, you won't have any regrets later on... if that doesn't work, well then, that's that and you move on... or you can just give up now, and throw in the towel. Honestly, you're justified to end a relationship when the other person cheats on you the FIRST time. I say that from the prospective of a cheater, so that says something. Others who have been cheated on, will say that to you even more. So you got some thinking and self evaluating to do. Good luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted January 7, 2020 Share Posted January 7, 2020 Kamal I'm sorry you are going through this, you seem like a decent person and a good father. I understand where you are coming from when you say that your kids will have their education disturbed if they find out about this so I would suggest that you don't reveal it to them just yet. It also seems you are not considering divorce but you are trying to save the marriage. I suggest you have a very serious conversation with your wife and warn her that is she doesn't stop, her parents and brother are going to be informed about this matter. I think this will be enough wake up call for her to stop. Maybe it would be good that you send a letter to the OM and warn him that if he doesn't stay away from your wife his family will be informed. This will scare him off in my opinion. Good luck and keep us informed please. We are here for you. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 7, 2020 Share Posted January 7, 2020 1 hour ago, Kamal_Kaushal said: I will never broadcast this to friends but I am debating about talking to her parents about this. Yes you need some back up here to persuade her of the error of her ways. The problem you have is that almost no matter what she does, you don't want to split up your family, so there are no real consequences for her. She knows that you are effectively powerless to stop her... If you do threaten her with anything then be prepared to carry it out, if not then she will quickly learn that whatever you threaten, you don't really mean it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 7, 2020 Share Posted January 7, 2020 24 minutes ago, SummerDreams said: Maybe it would be good that you send a letter to the OM and warn him that if he doesn't stay away from your wife his family will be informed. This will scare him off in my opinion. He already called the OM to warn him off. NO change... 4 hours ago, Kamal_Kaushal said: I even warned the guy over the phone to stop talking to my wife Link to post Share on other sites
2BGoodAgain Posted January 7, 2020 Share Posted January 7, 2020 1 minute ago, elaine567 said: Yes you need some back up here to persuade her of the error of her ways. The problem you have is that almost no matter what she does, you don't want to split up your family, so there are no real consequences for her. She knows that you are effectively powerless to stop her... If you do threaten her with anything then be prepared to carry it out, if not then she will quickly learn that whatever you threaten, you don't really mean it. hm, i have to agree with Elaine here.... what do you hope to accomplish by talking to her parents about this? she isn't some teenager, which btw, still doesn't improve your chances of changing her mind. lol... She's an adult, free to make good or bad choices... and unfortunately, it includes you....But if changing her mind is your key goal, this isn't the way... Talk to her... and give her choices and consequences from "you". not family or friends or what not. She has to CHOOSE to be with you, not be pressured into it. That may at best solve your short term problem, but it won't fix your long term issues with your marriage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted January 7, 2020 Share Posted January 7, 2020 3 minutes ago, elaine567 said: He already called the OM to warn him off. NO change... This time he will threaten to tell the OM's wife, not only "don't talk to my wife". 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted January 7, 2020 Share Posted January 7, 2020 1 minute ago, 2BGoodAgain said: hm, i have to agree with Elaine here.... what do you hope to accomplish by talking to her parents about this? she isn't some teenager, which btw, still doesn't improve your chances of changing her mind. lol... She's an adult, free to make good or bad choices... and unfortunately, it includes you....But if changing her mind is your key goal, this isn't the way... Talk to her... and give her choices and consequences from "you". not family or friends or what not. She has to CHOOSE to be with you, not be pressured into it. That may at best solve your short term problem, but it won't fix your long term issues with your marriage. You are forgetting this is an Indian family and from what I imagine (I might be wrong) they are close to family and they are respectful to their parents. I think that only the idea that her father will find out will make her wake up. If it doesn't, then sure, the OP should let her free to decide what she wants to do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2BGoodAgain Posted January 7, 2020 Share Posted January 7, 2020 2 minutes ago, SummerDreams said: You are forgetting this is an Indian family and from what I imagine (I might be wrong) they are close to family and they are respectful to their parents. I think that only the idea that her father will find out will make her wake up. If it doesn't, then sure, the OP should let her free to decide what she wants to do. like i said, it might solve the problem short term, but it wont solve the long term problem... in any society, no matter how repressed or controlled, people will find an outlet... Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 7, 2020 Share Posted January 7, 2020 I actually think talking to her parents may be a good thing too, especially if the parents still hold some sway. Even if they don't hold much sway, then many women I guess do not want Mommy and Daddy to think less of them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kamal_Kaushal Posted January 7, 2020 Author Share Posted January 7, 2020 37 minutes ago, SummerDreams said: Kamal I'm sorry you are going through this, you seem like a decent person and a good father. I understand where you are coming from when you say that your kids will have their education disturbed if they find out about this so I would suggest that you don't reveal it to them just yet. It also seems you are not considering divorce but you are trying to save the marriage. I suggest you have a very serious conversation with your wife and warn her that is she doesn't stop, her parents and brother are going to be informed about this matter. I think this will be enough wake up call for her to stop. Maybe it would be good that you send a letter to the OM and warn him that if he doesn't stay away from your wife his family will be informed. This will scare him off in my opinion. Good luck and keep us informed please. We are here for you. @SummerDreams I have already done all this when I cought her last time in Oct. Threatened to give her Divorce, tell her parents and explained to her what will happen to the Kids, made to swear to her kids that she will never talk to him again. Called the guy and threatened to tell his wife and daughter about there afair. Looks like things was effective. I know that it will heart her the most if I tell her parents about this and that is what I am pllaning now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kamal_Kaushal Posted January 7, 2020 Author Share Posted January 7, 2020 12 minutes ago, 2BGoodAgain said: like i said, it might solve the problem short term, but it wont solve the long term problem... in any society, no matter how repressed or controlled, people will find an outlet... I know that for sure it will heart her the most if I tell her parents about this. She might stop talking to him after that. I could never imagine this would happen to me after 20 years of marriage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted January 7, 2020 Share Posted January 7, 2020 1 hour ago, Kamal_Kaushal said: I know that for sure it will heart her the most if I tell her parents about this. She might stop talking to him after that. I could never imagine this would happen to me after 20 years of marriage. I understand. So if you do tell her parents and she does stop, will you forgive her? Are you considering MC? What are your plans if she accepts to stop the EA? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kamal_Kaushal Posted January 7, 2020 Author Share Posted January 7, 2020 (edited) 7 minutes ago, SummerDreams said: I understand. So if you do tell her parents and she does stop, will you forgive her? Are you considering MC? What are your plans if she accepts to stop the EA? I don't think so that I can now ever completly forgive her and trust her ever again. Will have to maintian this marriage untill my girls complete there college education. Sorry I am new here, what does MC or EA means? Edited January 7, 2020 by Kamal_Kaushal Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted January 7, 2020 Share Posted January 7, 2020 6 minutes ago, Kamal_Kaushal said: I don't think so that I can now ever completly forgive her and trust her ever again. Will have to maintian this marriage untill my girls complete there college education. Sorry I am new here, what does MC or EA means? MC is marriage council and EA is emotional affair. I get what you are saying but just food for thought: isn't it better that your daughters start to face the difficulties of life sooner rather than later? I mean, you won't be able to protect them from the world and people's ugliness forever. And cheating and separation are some of this ugliness. What do you think? Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts