My wife is cheating on me even after strong warnings

[mark clemson]

I'm not going to give you specific advice on whether to do this, but if it was me and I was intending to tell parents or the wife of the OM (Other Man) I would have screen shots or other evidence, e.g. of conversations to show as proof. Depending on how racy the content is, just the threat of these being shown to parents in a conservative culture might end things.

All that said I think the point about ending the affair  vs. "repairing" the marriage (if that's desired) is a good one. Step one is ending the affair. But then you'll need to think about fixing the marriage (IF you want to do that). Waiting until your daughters finish their educations is a long time. Do you want to just be miserable and bitter and hate your wife that whole time?

IF you decide to try to repair things, IC (individual counselling) for her is probably a good idea that's often recommended around here. Should be before or in tandem with MC.

IF you decide to try to repair things, some honest reflection on what difficulties there may be in the marriage overall and honest reflect on how BOTH of you can improve as spouses are probably in order. That includes self-reflection for you as a partner. This is NOT to say that you caused her cheating or any such nonsense. Her choice to cheat instead of trying to improve the marriage (assuming it actually needed improvement) was exactly that - her choice. However, once/if she acknowledges and takes responsibility for her role in cheating and starts taking sincere action to change, you doing your best to be the best possible partner to the "new" her will presumably help things too.

[Kamal_Kaushal]

4 hours ago, mark clemson said:

I'm not going to give you specific advice on whether to do this, but if it was me and I was intending to tell parents or the wife of the OM (Other Man) I would have screen shots or other evidence, e.g. of conversations to show as proof. Depending on how racy the content is, just the threat of these being shown to parents in a conservative culture might end things.

All that said I think the point about ending the affair  vs. "repairing" the marriage (if that's desired) is a good one. Step one is ending the affair. But then you'll need to think about fixing the marriage (IF you want to do that). Waiting until your daughters finish their educations is a long time. Do you want to just be miserable and bitter and hate your wife that whole time?

IF you decide to try to repair things, IC (individual counselling) for her is probably a good idea that's often recommended around here. Should be before or in tandem with MC.

IF you decide to try to repair things, some honest reflection on what difficulties there may be in the marriage overall and honest reflect on how BOTH of you can improve as spouses are probably in order. That includes self-reflection for you as a partner. This is NOT to say that you caused her cheating or any such nonsense. Her choice to cheat instead of trying to improve the marriage (assuming it actually needed improvement) was exactly that - her choice. However, once/if she acknowledges and takes responsibility for her role in cheating and starts taking sincere action to change, you doing your best to be the best possible partner to the "new" her will presumably help things too.

@mark clemson appreciate your response, Yes I do have her phone conversation recordings, Chat Screen shots from back in November. When I spoke to her that time and threatened her with divorce, telling her Kids and her Parents. She swears to her Kids that she will never talk to this OM ever again. I even mentioned to her very strongly that if I came to know that she has ever spoken to him again that will be the last day of our relationship.

 

I went out of country for a week and at that time they again started to talk. This time they are using Skype and she is very careful and makes sure that she deletes everything in her account and logs out of the skype without saving the account information. So, I do not have any of her chat screenshots this time and I am trying to just record some of her conversation before I confront her again.  

[mark clemson]

Hmmm. Up to you, but does Skype keep a log? I'm not sure, but consider researching whether it does.

[Kamal_Kaushal]

33 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Hmmm. Up to you, but does Skype keep a log? I'm not sure, but consider researching whether it does.

I did all that research and even contacted some companies the only way to access the Skype logs is by Jailbreaking the iphone. 

[mark clemson]

Ah well...

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

You gotta understand OP, that your wife is no longer in the position of motherhood that she once was... I think a lot of women struggle with this transition from being a mother into being a wife... Like sure, she was your wife before, but she was also a mother... Now that she is no longer a mother in the capacity that she once was (Caring for a baby, etc.) she is probably bored or even realized that she was just with you for the kids or something and now the kids are pretty much grown up, I mean highschoolers can reconcile on a divorce, I am sure they understand to an extent over like a 5 year old child.

Your wife foresaw being a mother with you as the father and that was appetizing for her, but now, she is in a part of your relationship that she didnt envision herself being in 20 years ago... You have so much to think about with children, that thinking about your life past them, it usually doesn't happen, especially in the moment.

I mean, if this is how seriously she takes being a wife, then really, the joke is on that guy, not you.

[mark clemson]

I'm NOT recommending this or anything, but if you really wanted to record your wife's conversations there are ways to do it. For example a concealed VAR. If YOU decide you want to try something like that, consider talking to an attorney in advance as it might be illegal where you live. Also, she might up and decide to divorce you if she finds out you recorded her secretly. Then again, unfortunately the way things are going she might decide to do that anyway.

Not an easy situation, unfortunately.

[Kamal_Kaushal]

4 hours ago, mark clemson said:

I'm NOT recommending this or anything, but if you really wanted to record your wife's conversations there are ways to do it. For example a concealed VAR. If YOU decide you want to try something like that, consider talking to an attorney in advance as it might be illegal where you live. Also, she might up and decide to divorce you if she finds out you recorded her secretly. Then again, unfortunately the way things are going she might decide to do that anyway.

Not an easy situation, unfortunately.

You are right mark, I used the VAR device and recorded full two hr's of ber conversation. I am trying to do this for last few days but was not able to figure out where she sits and talk. Was trying different places as we have a bug house. This time I kept outside on the deck and that was it. 

[mark clemson]

Ah, well if you are already doing this, you'd probably be wise to check up on the legality of it, etc. No sense giving her the ability to file even relatively trivial charges against you if you end up separating. (As you probably already know) people sometimes "flip" at the breakup and can become quite vindictive, even if they caused the breakup themselves. It can be surprising.

[d0nnivain]

On 1/7/2020 at 10:48 AM, Kamal_Kaushal said:

I am trying to gather some more proofs and then planing to talk to her Dad and Brother about this, we are very well connected family as always in Indian families. 

I'm not familiar with the intricacies of your culture.  

From a Western perspective this would make things worse.  

What is the point of telling her male relatives?  Do you think they are going to shame her into stopping?  She's an adult, capable of making her own decisions.  

 

On 1/7/2020 at 2:43 PM, Kamal_Kaushal said:

I don't think so that I can now ever completly forgive her and trust her ever again. Will have to maintian this marriage untill my girls complete there college education.

Sorry I am new here, what does MC or EA means?

MC = marriage counseling 

EA = emotional affair (talk no actual kissing or sex v. PA = physical affair)

If you can no longer trust her & you will never completely forgive her, your marriage is over.  Why prolong the agony of staying together?  Your kids will survive.  Lots of people get divorced.  The toll on you trying to keep it together for the sake of the kids is going to be much worse.  

[basil67]

26 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

I'm not familiar with the intricacies of your culture.  

<snip>

What is the point of telling her male relatives?  Do you think they are going to shame her into stopping?  She's an adult, capable of making her own decisions.  

 

I don't know how traditional her family are, so my concerns that they will do worse than shaming.

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

I don't know how traditional her family are, so my concerns that they will do worse than shaming.

The family won't do anything, in those cultures it is the husbands responsibility to carry those types of punishments out; he has already threatened her with divorce, so nothing will happen to her.

[spiderowl]

I find it strange that people are talking about threatening to tell her parents, the other wife, etc. She is an adult. She can’t be controlled from the outside like this; she has to make her own decisions. This is between the two of you and no-one else, I think dragging family into it will only bring problems in the future if you do both try to make your marriage work.

She seems to have lost interest in you and has lost respect. I think you need to divorce her. Consult a lawyer before serving her with divorce papers though so that you protect your rights to see your children.

I can understand you do not want to mess your children around at this stage of their lives. How about (if possible) you gradually moving into your own place where you can have things there how you like them? Treat it as kind of a ‘shed’ for your hobbies. The kids might think it odd but it could just be your ‘retreat’ and if it is done gradually, they will accept that dad has a different place for himself. You might avoid threatening their basic security. 

I think you’d be wasting your time with your wife. Either she has totally lost interest in you or she is very naive and has fallen madly in love with this other guy.

Edited January 18, 2020 by spiderowl

[Grathblagg]

Apparently, your warnings were not strong enough. Repeat them with more conviction, until you realize that warnings are essentially saying, "I'm afraid or unwilling to take action, so here's my opinion again". 

Then, do what your feet are telling you to do, and change course 180 degrees. 

[stillafool]

On 1/7/2020 at 1:07 PM, elaine567 said:

The problem you have is that almost no matter what she does, you don't want to split up your family, so there are no real consequences for her.
She knows that you are effectively powerless to stop her...

If you do threaten her with anything then be prepared to carry it out, if not then she will quickly learn that whatever you threaten, you don't really mean it.

I agree with this.  Your wife knows you aren't going to do anything about her cheating but threaten everyone so she just continues doing what she wants.  You say you don't want the kids to know what their mother is doing but as you stated they already do.  There is nothing to lose here.  Your wife is emotionally and romantically involved with another man.  She has tried to let him go but can't and won't.  Why are you trying so hard to hold on to someone who doesn't want you?

[Daisydooks]

On 1/8/2020 at 4:13 PM, Kamal_Kaushal said:

You are right mark, I used the VAR device and recorded full two hr's of ber conversation. I am trying to do this for last few days but was not able to figure out where she sits and talk. Was trying different places as we have a bug house. This time I kept outside on the deck and that was it. 

Does she have her own car?