how realistic are online dating women about their looks?

[greymatter]

I'm 54 and have gone bouldering in the last 6 months, though it was in a gym. I would have to do a lot of it to be good at it, but I could get up to the top of most of the walls I attempted, just couldn't do any of the fancy stuff (like climbing sideways and twisting, hanging on by a finger, etc.).

7 hours ago, preraph said:

No waist is average if the woman is over 40. they're probably putting that relative to their age.

That is certainly not true of many, many women over 40. Some of us are quite trim, especially women where I live. I certainly don't fit into the stereotype you present and work hard to stay fit and slim.

Women here in the 40-60 range walk to work, work out, lift weights, hike, bike, snowshow, etc. For years, since 2011, I've been walking 5 miles a day as part of my work commute and am otherwise very active, hiking, etc. I sometimes do a 20 mile bike ride with my BF and can manage that even though I'm not in "cycling shape." I do video workouts 3 times a week . I'm nothing like the stereotypical generalizations being made about women here - I'm not going to break a hip because I'm hiking over loose rock. My bones are not brittle, but women need to remain active and do strength training to maintain their bone density. Yes, I do deal with various aches and pains (knee pain currently) but have done PT so that I can remain active, and am not allowing that to sideline me.

On 1/7/2020 at 7:21 AM, nospam99 said:

I strongly suspect that the superficial hurdles that I face include (probably primarily) my height (5'8") and age (going on 66 in less than 5 weeks). If a woman says in her profile (following numbers are typical) that she has a 15 inch range of height and a 13 year range of age and I'm just within the bottom of her height range and the top of her age range, I feel I am realistic to expect she's likely to filter me relative to taller and younger guys.

Reading your posts in the forums about your lack of success getting dates, I have wondered if it is your personality, because it doesn't sound like a problem of height or age. Many men who are your height are very successful with women. Same with your age. But I have wondered if the tone that you tend to have here, which comes through as a general disdain for women and often an "I am right and you are wrong" sort of inflexibility is what is also coming through your dating profiles online. And you don't strike me as someone who is funny, or warm, kind and compassionate.

Clearly you are very focused on the superficial when it comes to women, and I wonder if you pointedly say that in your dating profile, which would be very offputting to women who read that (not just those women who you would never consider). Of course I have no idea how you present yourself online. But it is clear that what you are putting out there isn't working and if you blame it all on your height and age, it's limiting because obviously you can't change those things. We also are who we are, and our personalities are pretty well set. But if I were having that much trouble, I'd be wondering if some of my actions were putting people off and figure out what I could adjust about myself to be successful in dating.

A friend told me a dating story over the weekend when we walked around a lake. She is thin, hikes like I do, and active. She is beautiful, really. Nice facial features and pretty. But she sends messages that are offputting and hasn't been successful with OLD this time around, so far. She is very direct and told me she was corresponding with a guy who was wearing a hat in every OLD photo and asked him if he was wearing the hat because he is bald. He sent her a curse-filled missive and she didn't respond very nicely. They were both at fault, but I never, ever in a million years would have done what she did. I either wouldn't have been interested in the guy if the potential for baldness turned me off and I thought he was being dishonest with the hat (so wouldn't have written back and forth), or would have gone out with him if it didn't bother me and would have seen what unfolded. But I wouldn't have sent the message that she did asking him point blank. I try to be intentional about what I say to people, and that includes here. I don't think you will receive my post well, but my intent is to be helpful as I think you are longing to find someone and also think you don't have good insight and need to gain self awareness if you want to figure out what is holding you back from making connections with women. 

[elaine567]

@greymatter 
I have an acquaintance who wears a hat constantly. He is the outdoor type and I have never actually seen him indoors, our paths only cross outdoors.
I often wondered as to his hair status and assumed baldness though the bits of hair I could see seemed thick enough.
One day he took off the hat to rearrange it on his head, to reveal a full head of hair.. I was totally wrong...
But like you I would never have asked him directly "Are you bald?"
That is too rude in my book.

[chillii]

lt really surprised me back when on date sites that most of the women didn't seem to realize what they looked like now and how that's going to effect things, and with so many , their long lists of expectations that someone in shape and 1/2 their age would have a hard time finding relationship wise. So nope , many were highly overrating themselves and no where near realistic at all.

Edited January 9, 2020 by chillii

[thefooloftheyear]

Not in the game, but quite frankly even women who aren't actively dating use filters,  and photoshop(dog snout and ears) with their pictures.. I'd say of all the women I know on social medial only 5% show themselves as what they really are....I don't get it...Why the smoke and mirrors?  Do they think they will never be seen IRL?

As for the OP...I kind of feel for him...I think what's happening is that the kind of woman he wants (slim/fit etc) at that age is pretty much a unicorn now...And of the one's who are out there that fit the bill, id imagine that nothing short of a neurosurgeon with a house at the Hamptons would suffice...but I dunno..

TFY

[nospam99]

@greymatter. Thanks for your counterpoint to generalizations about people's physical fitness deteriorating as we age. It saved me from the temptation to start a fruitless argument about it.

Thanks as well (I suppose?!) for your 'candid' assessment of my 'offputting' personality. I will try to avoid the temptation to start that argument as well.

[Happy Lemming]

19 hours ago, nospam99 said:

@HLemming. Rock scrambling is hands and feet. Rock climbing is ropes, helmets, and pitons and going pretty much straight up the cliff face.

Thank you for the clarification. I didn't know if there was a difference.

But if I didn't know the difference, isn't it possible that potential women (reading your profile) don't know the difference either and are "put off" by the activity that they might construe as extreme.  I doubt they (potential women) are going to take the time to research the difference between the two.  More likely, they are probably going to "skip over" your profile in favor of more "low key/low impact" activities.

[Happy Lemming]

1 hour ago, thefooloftheyear said:

And of the one's who are out there that fit the bill, id imagine that nothing short of a neurosurgeon with a house at the Hamptons would suffice...

100% Agree...

I also think this is why "Natalie" dumped "nospam99".  I don't think it had anything to do with porn use or his masturbation habits. She was looking for an excuse to get him out of the picture.

I think she was looking for a bigger wallet.

 

[Ellener]

I've only been on one date from OLD so far, but the man said 'you are way better looking than your picture!' I've become more aware of my appearance through doing the profile anyway.

[nospam99]

@HL. Like a lot of topics, including ones I start, this is turning into an analysis of the OP's (mine in this case) dating efforts .... off topic, but oh well.

At the risk of making it a little easier to stalk me, I'll post a short excerpt from one of my profiles. After writing 'emotional connection is the highest priority' and further down listing a number of my favorite scrambles, I write ...

''I don't require my dating partner to do these scrambles with me. But this list gives you an idea of what activity I enjoy and 'bonus points' if you're indeed active enough to do them with me.''

I then go on to mention dancing as another, less strenuous, physical activity. Skiing only shows up in the bulletted list of 'interests'. Those are my efforts to not 'put off' the ladies. I'm really not Action Jackson, just a guy, and not the only one, who has worked to keep my physical capabilities from slacking off as I've aged.

Natalie contacted to me FIRST on PoF with a 'Meet Me'. She knew going in that I wasn't a neurosurgeon from the Hamptons. Maybe she was indeed looking for a bigger wallet. I doubt I'll ever know. And at the risk of repeating myself, she was, and probably still is, a unicorn in terms of what I'm seeking. Sometimes knowing that unicorns are real makes it harder to 'settle' for a thoroughbred filly.

[Happy Lemming]

39 minutes ago, nospam99 said:

''I don't require my dating partner to do these scrambles with me. But this list gives you an idea of what activity I enjoy and 'bonus points' if you're indeed active enough to do them with me.''

Again, thank you for the clarification.  I was just "floating" a possible theory/hypothesis.

I really do want you to find happiness and was hoping the start of 2020 would bring in a new influx of potential "dates" on OLD.  I want you to have the best chance possible of making a match.

Again, off topic here... but are you noticing a lot of new "women" on your OLD web-sites??  With the holidays over and Valentines day right around the corner, I'm wondering if there might be some new profiles/matches on the horizon??

Fingers crossed and hoping for the best!!

[Tamfana]

Tons of people are unrealistic or deceptive about themselves on OLD.  One of the most recent guys I met from OLD had lied about his height, education and age, the trifecta.  😂

Since athleticism is crucial for you, your best bet is probably meeting someone while you’re engaging in your favorite sports and activities.  

Edited January 9, 2020 by Tamfana

[PinkFlamingo]

4 hours ago, chillii said:

lt really surprised me back when on date sites that most of the women didn't seem to realize what they looked like now and how that's going to effect things, and with so many , their long lists of expectations that someone in shape and 1/2 their age would have a hard time finding relationship wise. So nope , many were highly overrating themselves and no where near realistic at all.

Actually, I did have the impression that this is indeed happening with some women who in my opinion were average lookwise. 

[nospam99]

@HL. Thanks for your well wishes. More off topic response follows...

'New' women? Almost never on PoF or OKC. There is always a 'trickle' on Match. I haven't noticed a seasonal variation.

Old observation about OLD (ha ha): I find it impossible to distinguish a 'new' woman from one who is 'unhiding' after a breakup.

Old issues with Match:

Activity on the site is an very important filter because activity is strong indicator of seeking to meet someone. Match's current way of tagging for activity only distinguishes within the last 72 hours. That makes it impossible to tell if a person has last been active four days or four years (for example) ago. I don't try to contact women who are not visibly active.

Match gives me lots of 'recommendations' (previously called 'matches') every day. Most are on the Connecticut Gold Coast which is 'geographically undesirable' (GUD) both to me and the ladies in question (and probably makes me economically undesirable). Too bad about that because lots of those women and I mutually pass each others' age, height, and common interest filters. On topic here, lots of these assumed-to-be rich ladies from the Gold Coast are also either posting heavily doctored photos or are as physically attractive as women 20 and 30 years younger. Many of them post photos from their daughters' and nieces' weddings where they look better than the brides.

After that sentence, I feel like I have to plead against accusations of superficially. I filter on personality and values as described in the 'essay questions' in OLD profiles. I pass on essays that don't state or suggest an interest in traditional, committed relationships based on mutual caring as quickly as I pass on overweight photos. Unicorns? .... I suppose.

[Happy Lemming]

1 hour ago, nospam99 said:

 I haven't noticed a seasonal variation.

Hmmm... I really would have thought there would be a "tsunami" of new profiles on OLD.  Holidays ending, people making "New Year's Resolutions" to date/meet someone, fresh new year attitude, etc.

Guess I was wrong... hang in there "nospam99"!!

[Envy123]

In OLD, I found myself chasing after women who I wouldn't look twice at in the physical world. Now, I don't just focus on the physical attributes and don't require them to be conventionally attractive, but instead be someone I am attracted to. But even the ones who were not attractive to me, didn't give me the time of day at all.

I have far more success offline, to be honest.

[chillii]

7 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

100% Agree...

I also think this is why "Natalie" dumped "nospam99".  I don't think it had anything to do with porn use or his masturbation habits. She was looking for an excuse to get him out of the picture.

I think she was looking for a bigger wallet.

 

Doubt that , she's still single from what op says .

But nah It's not the case here at all , l was actually surprised the better looking few were often the humblest of most , well unless she was some high up really successful type . Actually 2 l've known years, still quite good looking and in shape women 50s ,  still been single for years anyway,  3 actually, they've pretty well given up. They don't want much just a happy relationship l know we've talked about it .

Edited January 9, 2020 by chillii

[basil67]

7 hours ago, nospam99 said:

''I don't require my dating partner to do these scrambles with me. But this list gives you an idea of what activity I enjoy and 'bonus points' if you're indeed active enough to do them with me.''

The text in this could be worded more gently.

I don't like the word 'require' in either a positive or negative sense.  It's a bit 'bossy'.    And while you may not intend it, I detect a bit of judgement in 'active enough' .  I'd be inclined to word that bit as 'bonus points if you enjoy doing these activities with me'

This are all small nuances, but if I was considering your profile, it would be enough to give me pause.  

[elaine567]

7 hours ago, nospam99 said:

''I don't require my dating partner to do these scrambles with me. But this list gives you an idea of what activity I enjoy and 'bonus points' if you're indeed active enough to do them with me.''

This sounds a bit superior and implies "...which I highly doubt" at the end.
Bonus points??? sounds arrogant 
I know you are competitive and maybe want to throw down a challenge, but a "list" is a bit pedantic and  "bonus points" is condescending.
If you are a good little girl...
JMO

[Cookiesandough]

Cuffing season is over. No one needs a holiday boo anymore. I’m sure that you’ll see more activity on OLD as Valentine’s Day approaches hahah

Edited January 10, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[Interstellar]

On 1/7/2020 at 10:21 AM, nospam99 said:

My question is really about the superficial qualities that people, especially on OLD, filter on when deciding whether or not to meet someone. I'll start by 'putting the shoe on my foot'.

I strongly suspect that the superficial hurdles that I face include (probably primarily) my height (5'8") and age (going on 66 in less than 5 weeks). If a woman says in her profile (following numbers are typical) that she has a 15 inch range of height and a 13 year range of age and I'm just within the bottom of her height range and the top of her age range, I feel I am realistic to expect she's likely to filter me relative to taller and younger guys.
 

Maybe because I look primarily in real life but my height was never an issue with me.  Irl, it comes down to looking sharp, clean cut (unless you’re in a band), and your personality. Online, I do find women more discriminating. Perhaps because they can. Almost everyone looks for at least 6 feet, with a six figure income. Especially if they’re good looking. As long as you have a master’s degree, have blue eyes, be environmentally conscious by driving a Tesla, shop at Wegmans or Whole Foods you should be alright.

Edited January 10, 2020 by Interstellar

[thefooloftheyear]

57 minutes ago, Interstellar said:

Maybe because I look primarily in real life but my height was never an issue with me.  Irl, it comes down to looking sharp, clean cut (unless you’re in a band), and your personality. Online, I do find women more discriminating. Perhaps because they can. Almost everyone looks for at least 6 feet, with a six figure income. Especially if they’re good looking. As long as you have a master’s degree, have blue eyes, be environmentally conscious by driving a Tesla, shop at Wegmans or Whole Foods you should be alright.

You know what's funny??  And Ive relayed this story a couple of times on here...its worth telling and 100% true,,

A buddy of mine got divorced around 50 or so.. Here is what he looks like ...Around 5'8"...A bit stocky with a small gut...Biker type with a lot of tattoos..No real money, average job...No college..10 year old Subaru...dumpy place...you get the picture..

He cleaned up on OLD...Women from 30-55...a couple of dogs, but most were actually pretty nice looking(he shared pics/texts).....He broke up with most of them and quite a few were interested in lTR;s with this guy...He claims he slept with more than a dozen in an 18 month period of looking ...Found one on Tinder that he has been with for a while...She's slim and fairly nice looking...Most guys would be happy with her..

Now...maybe the "bad boy" image, and I know he throws around a lot of bs to women that they seem to buy for whatever reason.. but while I don't disagree with your post, its not as cut and dried as it seems..And a lot of the BS women say on here, and what they claim they want on OLD, doesn't always align with reality..

TFY

 

Edited January 10, 2020 by thefooloftheyear

[Ellener]

11 hours ago, nospam99 said:

Old issues with Match:

I switched off match.com then found I was receiving several daily emails with way more 'eligible' matches...intrigued I checked them out and they quickly stopped coming!

I don't know if they are genuine, match.com is under current lawsuit from FTC for faking ads in the past.

[S2B]

2 hours ago, Ellener said:

I switched off match.com then found I was receiving several daily emails with way more 'eligible' matches...intrigued I checked them out and they quickly stopped coming!

I don't know if they are genuine, match.com is under current lawsuit from FTC for faking ads in the past.

I noticed that years ago when I was on match. As soon as my subscription ran out I had notifications by email that so many men were trying to message me.

personally, I think it’s their ploy to get you to sign up again. It’s just not right.

[basil67]

@nospam99 We women 'of a certain age' are saying that older women generally aren't seeking what you want in life and that being a bit overweight is average.   You say it's not true and you know plenty of older, slim, active women who enjoy the same activities you do.   If this is the case, why aren't you dating among these women who you have met?   Or why aren't you joining new active groups where you may meet such a woman who is single?   Surely a man such as you would be quite the catch for them.

You are looking for niche women.  You're not going to find niche in mainstream dating.  

Edited January 10, 2020 by basil67

[Ellener]

@nospam99 I am 53, my perfect weight, and my favourite thing to do is be out in nature. But my feet are failing me through arthritis and diabetic damage, it's now part of my life to ride the mobility cart in the grocery, use disabled parking spots and some days- just stay home with elevated feet and rest. I'd probably not be able to respond to a profile like yours today though when younger I've rock climbed and right up until such activities literally damaged my feet I walked miles daily and ran sometimes. I'm now planning to find a 'gym replacement' for things I cannot do safely outdoors. 

I don't look my age and often find people surprised when I have these limitations physically, but it's not something to put easily on a dating profile, disability. Yet I am betting as age increases the likelihood of a potential partner having to manage such issues increases too.

Find a way around it, such as a woman who is happy to come wait or meet at the bottom of the mountain then go for dinner! ⛰️ 

It's a good metaphor for a relationship anyway 😊