Piddy Posted January 11, 2020 Share Posted January 11, 2020 (edited) 13 minutes ago, elaine567 said: BUT that IS the problem So you think if he gives up watching porn he'll be suddenly attracted to her? I doubt that myself. You don't like my solution of watching porn together, fine. OK, how about he can still watch porn (since assuming she doesn't like watching it herself),but just not masturbate to it. Save the sexual energy for her. I have a high sex drive and can masturbate to porn and have sex with my wife in the same day. 😉 But, thanks to a friend on this site I still watch porn, but I'm saving my sexual energy for my wife. Hands fee if you will. 😎 I'm doing Seinfeld's 'The Contest" (abstaining) which she is doing as well. So far no one has lost the bet.😀 And she actually joins me in watching the porn. Not all women are anti porn. Matter of fact if I was doing online dating that would be a must prerequisite for me (like porn) or at least not mind me partaking in it. Edited January 11, 2020 by Piddy 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 11, 2020 Share Posted January 11, 2020 2 minutes ago, Piddy said: Not all women are anti porn. Of course not but the OP obviously is... It is her problem we are trying to help with. What you and y our wife get up to is irrelevant surely? If you were not attracted to your wife and you were spending your days glued to porn, then your wife may see things a bit differently too... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tamfana Posted January 11, 2020 Share Posted January 11, 2020 He's given up sex with you, uses lots of porn and pushed you into a wall when he was angry. Shoot! He needs to get a grip (ha, get it?). Not many people stick around for a deal like that, but good on you for trying counseling. Just keep clear who's responsible for what behavior and make sure you don't get dragged into both-sidesing, or "you made me do it" or "but sometimes you ___." (People used to say "the devil made me do it" which acknowledged at least some personal responsibility.) There can be very negative effects to porn overuse including desensitization and inability to get aroused without variety or shock factor. I wonder if he's able to stop or if he's developed an addiction. Raging about it or pushing people sure sounds like an addict protecting their addiction. Link to post Share on other sites
Piddy Posted January 11, 2020 Share Posted January 11, 2020 (edited) 2 hours ago, elaine567 said: Of course not but the OP obviously is... It is her problem we are trying to help with. What you and y our wife get up to is irrelevant surely? If you were not attracted to your wife and you were spending your days glued to porn, then your wife may see things a bit differently too... We don't know enough about their situation to be honest. She said she's gained weight. Sounds like he's lost his attraction to her. And of course, porn should be an enhancement to a sex life and not a replacement. So, we don't really know why he can't get aroused with his wife right now. If porn is a replacement then they have an incompatibility problem and this marriage may be in trouble. But what the hell do I know, I've only been with the same woman going on 42 years. And isn't the real issue here that he put his hands on his wife in a violent manner. That I would think we can all agree is never a good thing. Edited January 11, 2020 by Piddy 1 Link to post Share on other sites
major_merrick Posted January 11, 2020 Share Posted January 11, 2020 To me, the interesting statement is about how she gained weight and how that made HER feel. I'm not sure he's totally lost his attraction for her. I suspect that her self-image caused her to not want sex, which reduced his opportunity for sex and therefore porn became the replacement. I know it is kind of a "chicken vs egg" argument, but each person in the relationship has some part to play in the problem. The good news for the OP is that she's in almost exclusive control of the fix: 1. She has the ability to lose weight. Probably not necessary. 2. She has the ability to choose to have sex (or not). 3. By getting her clothes off, she has the power to visually stimulate her partner. 4. She has body heat, which can be more arousing than porn. 5. She can adjust her attitude to be more open and inviting. That's a bigger list of things than what her husband can control. All he can really do is choose to watch porn or not, and respond to his wife's advances if such exist. It is up to her to initiate, and up to him to respond appropriately. I found out recently in my relationship that my attitude as a wife has a huge effect on my husband's response to me. If I'm cold, sour, and unapproachable....he avoids me. Since we have other partners, he had sex with them instead of me and I got left out. When I warmed up, so did he. Now, that doesn't mean that his response (avoidance and substitution) were justified. It does provide me with a lot of ability to change the situation. Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted January 21, 2020 Share Posted January 21, 2020 On 1/11/2020 at 8:26 AM, Piddy said: So you think if he gives up watching porn he'll be suddenly attracted to her? I doubt that myself. You don't like my solution of watching porn together, fine. OK, how about he can still watch porn (since assuming she doesn't like watching it herself),but just not masturbate to it. Save the sexual energy for her. I have a high sex drive and can masturbate to porn and have sex with my wife in the same day. 😉 But, thanks to a friend on this site I still watch porn, but I'm saving my sexual energy for my wife. Hands fee if you will. 😎 I'm doing Seinfeld's 'The Contest" (abstaining) which she is doing as well. So far no one has lost the bet.😀 And she actually joins me in watching the porn. Not all women are anti porn. Matter of fact if I was doing online dating that would be a must prerequisite for me (like porn) or at least not mind me partaking in it. I am a wife who is not anti porn. I actually enjoy watching it. I wouldn’t care if my husband watched porn but he swears that he doesn’t. I understand that not every wife has the same opinion and that’s perfectly fine. I believe that porn should never replace marital sex. It’s a serious problem that the OP’s husband is essentially choosing porn over her. As for the physical abuse, the OP will need to decide if she is willing to forgive and work through this issue or if she wants to leave. Abuse typically escalates but there are some abusers who can change if they work on it. It takes YEARS to overcome being physically abusive. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 21, 2020 Share Posted January 21, 2020 If they do it once and get away with it, they'll do it again. This would be a dealbreaker for me. And besides that, sounds like he's lost his attraction for you anyway and that can certainly happen when you watch a bunch of altered women service men on porn in every conceivable way. They get unrealistic expectations. There's such a thing as porn addiction. He shoved you over PORN. FFS, that's a dealbreaker. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Piddy Posted January 21, 2020 Share Posted January 21, 2020 15 minutes ago, BettyDraper said: I am a wife who is not anti porn. I actually enjoy watching it. I wouldn’t care if my husband watched porn but he swears that he doesn’t. I understand that not every wife has the same opinion and that’s perfectly fine. I know you exist (women who enjoy porn), you're (women who like porn) just not very vocal. Men are visually stimulated. Women are more imaginary. So you're husband doesn't watch it with you? Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted January 22, 2020 Share Posted January 22, 2020 30 minutes ago, Piddy said: I know you exist (women who enjoy porn), you're (women who like porn) just not very vocal. Men are visually stimulated. Women are more imaginary. So you're husband doesn't watch it with you? No he doesn’t. I use porn when my hubby has to go to work the next day so I can’t wake him up for sex. We have a wonderful sex life. It’s just that there are times when I want sex and it’s not the best time for both of us. This is perfectly normal. I can become very excited just from fantasies but the visual stimulation is very arousing as well. Occasionally, I also enjoy watching certain tv programs with sexy actors as fodder for fantasies. Sexting my husband as well as calling him at work to say sexy things is quite fun as well. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Piddy Posted January 22, 2020 Share Posted January 22, 2020 1 minute ago, BettyDraper said: No he doesn’t. I use porn when my hubby has to go to work the next day so I can’t wake him up for sex. We have a wonderful sex life. It’s just that there are times when I want sex and it’s not the best time for both of us. This is perfectly normal. I can become very excited just from fantasies but the visual stimulation is very arousing as well. Occasionally, I also enjoy watching certain tv programs with sexy actors as fodder for fantasies. Sexting my husband as well as calling him at work to say sexy things is quite fun as well. Love it. Good for you. Yup, nothing wrong with fantasies. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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