How do I stop enabling my husband

[GeorgiaPeach1]

Is it possible he didn't want to be married in the first place, and only did so because of the pregnancy? Have you tried marital counseling?

[lil_missy]

It hasn’t even been a day and I already want my family back. I just want my Lil family back to when we were happy. I don’t even want anyone else, even if the perfect guy showed up at my door step right now, I would rather have the imperfect father of my child. 

Im at home with son a lot coz I work from home a lot and it breaks my heart everytime I look at my lil boy, and when he asks where is his daddy 

In our last convo, He has said to me I’m too controlling with our finances, he wants to manage his money himself and he will step up and pay for things but don’t want me to control our finances. I said no I cannot do it that way as I just don’t trust he can, as he has shown time n time again spending the last cents of pay so nothing is left to pay for mortgage n bills and getting into debt. 

Should I stick to my decision? Or is there something else I can try? 

[lil_missy]

5 hours ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said:

Is it possible he didn't want to be married in the first place, and only did so because of the pregnancy? Have you tried marital counseling?

No he definitely wanted to be married, he proposed to me a few days before we found out we were pregnant.

marriage counseling, I don’t know there is anything necessarily wrong with our relationship per say, but more he doesn’t adult very well and it’s a major financial issue. He just simply cannot manage money at all and gets us into debt consistently and then lies about it til he can’t hide it anymore 

[lil_missy]

6 hours ago, Mr. Lucky said:

Sorry to hear.  I doubt we have to tell you to be very careful with any accounts or assets he has access to, he has even less reining him in now.  I’d move quickly to get new accounts open and funds transferred.  Have you spoken to a lawyer?  You might want to strike preemptively, though your H doesn’t sound like he’d be in a hurry to get things in order.  Expect the same conduct during separation and divorce - and then some...

Mr. Lucky 
 

 

We already seperated account since April this year as the joint wasn’t working and we were trying diff things. So that’s not a problem I have my own money set aside. And I’m fairly certain his not gonna bother to fight me on anything asset wise as he is so lazy and “ can’t be bothered” with anything to complicated and getting a lawyer and going to court def falls under the too complicated pile. 

I don’t think we even need lawyers for the divorce. 

The only thing I’m worried about is if he gets mad he might physically take my son. But that’s a big if, I don’t think he would and I’ll try not to piss him off. 

Custody wise again, there is no way he’d take me to court and if he did I know I’d win for sure as I’m the only responsible one in the relationship and have been doing the primary child care all along. 

[schlumpy]

It's so frustrating to try so hard and not succeed. 

[lil_missy]

Yes tell me about, I have tried the hardest ever in my life. And I know he has tried very hard as well. He was so stressed he nearly had a mental break down and sliced his arm with a knife and had to go hospital. 

But his mom managed all his pay til he met me and she just gave him amounts whenever he asked, he literally for 30 years never worried or managed a bill in his life or had a single budget. And i feel a huge part of it is his moms fault, sometimes I really hate her. 

[MJJean]

On 1/9/2020 at 5:44 PM, lil_missy said:

It hasn’t even been a day and I already want my family back. I just want my Lil family back to when we were happy. I don’t even want anyone else, even if the perfect guy showed up at my door step right now, I would rather have the imperfect father of my child. 

Im at home with son a lot coz I work from home a lot and it breaks my heart everytime I look at my lil boy, and when he asks where is his daddy 

What happy family? Your husband is a man child who cannot function as an adult, is manipulative, entitled, lazy, and literally runs up debts through gambling and other irresponsible behaviors, and basically sponges off you while his daddy mows his lawn because he can't be bothered. FFS, he's such a piss poor example of manhood I'm trying to figure out why you want him to be your child's model for male behavior. Poor kid growing up with this sad example of an adult romantic relationship and even sadder example of male adulthood.

 

[Daisydooks]

On 1/7/2020 at 5:32 PM, schlumpy said:

It puzzles me as to how a person like yourself ends up with someone that is opposite of what you want 

 She got pregnant a year into dating. Together 5 years, with a 3 year old. Just a guess here but this was where my brain went when I saw you post this, Schlumpy

Either he changed after they for married (insert eye roll,) or they were wrapped up and in love and she had blinders on. My guess is the latter (only speaking from my own experience as I, too, have had blinders on in my past - so no judgement to the OP!!) I have been this girl. I know her well and by name. Lol. 

[vla1120]

On 1/9/2020 at 5:48 PM, lil_missy said:

No he definitely wanted to be married, he proposed to me a few days before we found out we were pregnant.

marriage counseling, I don’t know there is anything necessarily wrong with our relationship per say, but more he doesn’t adult very well and it’s a major financial issue. He just simply cannot manage money at all and gets us into debt consistently and then lies about it til he can’t hide it anymore 

You would not be contemplating divorce if there were nothing wrong with your relationship. I definitely think you need to try marriage counseling. Also, his mother may have spoiled him, but he's an adult, now. It is his responsibility to get his finances in order - no more excuses - if he wants to keep his family intact. 

[Rockdad]

I see your husbands behavior pretty regularly in business. My highly educated sister is 60 and has been enabled by my father her whole life and can't manage herself what so ever. Now that he is passed she is in a mess hinting near daily for me to bail her out. I have 50 yr old customers where there parents still paying there bills. I wouldn't put much hope at this stage he is ever going to be any different that what he right now. You have to much of a load to carry a full grown man on your back. If you don't stick with your decision expect more of the same that got you where you are.   

 

 

[schlumpy]

3 hours ago, Daisydooks said:

 She got pregnant a year into dating. Together 5 years, with a 3 year old. Just a guess here but this was where my brain went when I saw you post this, Schlumpy

Either he changed after they for married (insert eye roll,) or they were wrapped up and in love and she had blinders on. My guess is the latter (only speaking from my own experience as I, too, have had blinders on in my past - so no judgement to the OP!!) I have been this girl. I know her well and by name. Lol. 

It wasn't a criticism on my part and I believe the OP got my underlying sentiment that I felt regret that someone with her qualities would chose the path she has walked. 

[lil_missy]

Thanks guys for your support, 

i really never even heard of this enabling thing before but it sounds like a serious problem and it’s so sad coz no parent should be allowed to ruin their children’s lives by doing this. And how much the adult child is responsible for this is very hard to say.

we have decided the sell the house and my husband is still trying, he says he is here to stay unless I choose to leave and that he will move with me where I wanna go after we sell. 

I agreed to him but I still don’t feel much hope, I feel like I just want to move to my parents with my son after this is done and be done with the relationship, but I don’t have the heart to do it. 

[Daisydooks]

When you say he is trying, what is he doing? Of course he is here to stay. As much as his mother has babied him, I doubt he wants to live with her. Seems quite comfortable with you taking care of things so I don't see him rocking that boat if he can avoid it. Unfortunately you have caught on which has caused you to lose hope in the relationship

You sound like perfect woman LOL. Of course he isn't going anywhere. 

Edited January 14, 2020 by Daisydooks

[lil_missy]

2 hours ago, Daisydooks said:

When you say he is trying, what is he doing? Of course he is here to stay. As much as his mother has babied him, I doubt he wants to live with her. Seems quite comfortable with you taking care of things so I don't see him rocking that boat if he can avoid it. Unfortunately you have caught on which has caused you to lose hope in the relationship

You sound like perfect woman LOL. Of course he isn't going anywhere. 

Haha yeh honestly I think he has it so good here, somebody to cook n clean for him, take care of house n baby as well as pay for everything if he hasn’t got money. I’m too f***ing exhausted from doing this for 3 years. 

He is trying .... yeh pretty much just all words atm, he said all his debt is gone so he will contributing more to the family now. He started doing a abit more around the house too 

 

[Rockdad]

OP didn't you say this "hiding debts from me, no transparency with what he does"?  Do you really believe the dept is paid off?

[lil_missy]

12 hours ago, Rockdad said:

OP didn't you say this "hiding debts from me, no transparency with what he does"?  Do you really believe the dept is paid off?

He swears up and down , hand on heart it’s all paid off. And to be honest I don’t completely believe it, he is still not giving me full transparency which makes me feel his hiding something. 

Btw what line of work are you in that you see all these incompetent people? 

Edited January 15, 2020 by lil_missy

[Rockdad]

Residential and Commercial mechanical service Company

[RecentChange]

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Edited January 15, 2020 by RecentChange

[lil_missy]

3 hours ago, S2B said:

Make him move unless he shows you the PROOF that he isn’t lying!

you said he did drugs when he was younger - is he still doing any drugs now?

That’s the thing our whole marriage he had an issue showing me proof for anything. He will say he spent thousands of dollars on X, then when I ask for an invoice or whatever he will get mad and say I don’t trust him and won’t show me anything. 

I know how bad this sounds. I just can’t shake the feeling his hiding things from me. 

I don’t believe he is still on drugs, he is on methadone which he take daily. Which is another problem I have with him. I’m worried maybe he can’t get off bcuz if he does then he has cravings for drugs again that he can’t resist 

 

[Mr. Lucky]

On 1/15/2020 at 1:32 PM, lil_missy said:

I don’t believe he is still on drugs, he is on methadone which he take daily. Which is another problem I have with him. I’m worried maybe he can’t get off bcuz if he does then he has cravings for drugs again that he can’t resist 

Many addicts, even if they're not actively using, still live the addiction life.  So while methadone may address the biochemical need, it does nothing to fix the learned behaviors.  The same drama, deceit and dissemination that characterize relapse follow them into recovery.  I'd guess these are bigger lifestyle issues and play a greater part in his dysfunction than any family history.

Does he go to meetings?  Have you been to NarAnon?

Mr. Lucky

[lil_missy]

On 1/16/2020 at 8:40 AM, S2B said:

These are his problems - big problems you can’t fix.

my best guess is drugs... especially being sneaky and no prof of where his money goes.

i can’t see one reason to stay - I wouldn’t even trust him with a small child.

unless he becomes willing to OFFER you complete evidence of what he is actually doing/earning/spending - I can’t see how he’s a great match for you.

heck he’s not even an even participant around the house - and that doesn’t take much effort.

looks like he’s taking advantage of you!

methadone is for opiates... was he using heroin?

He used heroin when he was much younger before I met him and successfully got off it using methadone. Then got off methadone as well. So I wasn’t put off by it when he told me, I thought it was all in the past 

[lil_missy]

22 hours ago, Mr. Lucky said:

Many addicts, even if they're not actively using, still live the addiction life.  So while methadone may address the biochemical need, it does nothing to fix the learned behaviors.  The same drama, deceit and dissemination that characterize relapse follow them into recovery.  I'd guess these are bigger lifestyle issues and play a greater part in his dysfunction than any family history.

Does he go to meetings?  Have you been to NarAnon?

Mr. Lucky

This is prob quite true, I haven’t thought about it that way. This reminds of a couple of times only he has told me sometimes he still gets craving for heroin but he would never go back on it. 

Nah he doesn’t go to any meetings and neither do I. It hasn’t really been an issue until recently when I realised he was really having trouble getting off it. 

When I met him he wasn’t using methadone or on any drugs anymore. I’m sure coz we were together 24/7. 

Then once before he went back on methadone coz he said he had back pain, I didn’t really ask what it was, he just told me was pain killer. After a month or so he got off it and still had back pain sometimes that he went to Physio for. 

Then about a year ago he went on again for back pain and this time it lasted ages and he couldn’t get off. That’s why I started asking more questions and he finally told me it was methadone and I looked it up and realised what it was. But I always believed he could get off since he’d done it before. 

But he told me coz of our constant fighting he couldn’t, he couldn’t deal with the withdraws at the same time. 

I know there were times he got his methadone off the street as well and it was very expensive. But from the pharmacy it is cheap. 

Edited January 18, 2020 by lil_missy

[Mr. Lucky]

4 hours ago, lil_missy said:

I know there were times he got his methadone off the street as well and it was very expensive. But from the pharmacy it is cheap. 

The only reason an addict would get methadone on the street is if they couldn't pass that drug test needed to get it legally.  And while methadone is indeed a pain killer, it isn't prescribed that way because there are other cheaper and more effective alternatives.

Probably another instance where you're being told some half-truths and some outright lies.  It's what addicts do...

Mr. Lucky

[lil_missy]

6 hours ago, Mr. Lucky said:

The only reason an addict would get methadone on the street is if they couldn't pass that drug test needed to get it legally.  And while methadone is indeed a pain killer, it isn't prescribed that way because there are other cheaper and more effective alternatives.

Probably another instance where you're being told some half-truths and some outright lies.  It's what addicts do...

Mr. Lucky

He told me it was coz the bottle leaked or broke. Or he reduced it too much n now needs a top up. He also told me about the drug tests too that’s why he didn’t like to smoke weed. 

Ive always thought of him as such a simple guy! But lots of ppl tell me he might be spinning these elaborate lies to me.  

He def wasn’t on drugs when we met, we were so happy for 2 years no issues at all. Then we got married n moved to back to his old neighbourhood near his parents, he said he didnt want to move there and there were lots of memories of doing drugs there. 

I should have listened, there was one dodgy guy that started coming around a lot. He prob started doing it again. Gosh I’m so pissed! 

he often tells me that he can’t tell me stuff coz I always blow up, I always thought he was just referring to the debts but maybe drugs too? 

Edited January 18, 2020 by lil_missy

[lil_missy]

So it’s been about 10 days seperated. He has been living at his parents and me still in our house, I have our son most of the time and he comes to visit quite often and takes him some night too. We have taken him out on a few family outings too. 

Next week I’m moving to my parents for the foreseeable future. 

I can see lately he has been trying to make changes, he has cut his methadone dose drastically and is looking into other ways to get off it quickly instead of weaning slowly. I worry about this but then I think I. Should just leave him to do his thing since we are seperated now. 

He told me today he has a plan. Which is he has about 20k stashed away from his redundancy a while ago. Which he had invested for the family for the future and didn’t want to touch, even through all our financial struggles. Now he says he will take all that money out, split it with me so that covers things I’ve been paying for. He said all his debts are paid off now and from next pay he will be contributing to the mortgage again. 

We are in the process of selling our house. And he said once it’s sold he plans to rent a place close to my parents so he can see us often, and work on us and hopefully im willing to move in with him there after a while. 

This is big deal coz we’ve lived next to his parents for 3 years and I started to hate it more and more. And I wanted to raise my son near my parents, with our values, not the ones his family has. He was very opposed to this before as he doesnt see eye to eye with my parents, but now he is willing to move next to them, I know that is not easy for him to do. 

I don’t know if he will follow through with all this or not. I’m 50/50 doubtful as he has a few hard hurdles esp the getting off methadone. He promised me he is not on any drugs other than methadone and isn’t craving for any. 

But do you guys think this could work? Say we seperate for 6 months and he takes that time to gets his act together and does what he proposes to do? 

Its what I always wanted - for us to live near my parents. And the change of environment I think is crucial for us to even have a chance. I know staying where we are, me having to put up with his family we had zero chance.