GeorgiaPeach1 Posted January 9, 2020 Share Posted January 9, 2020 Is it possible he didn't want to be married in the first place, and only did so because of the pregnancy? Have you tried marital counseling? Link to post Share on other sites
Author lil_missy Posted January 9, 2020 Author Share Posted January 9, 2020 It hasn’t even been a day and I already want my family back. I just want my Lil family back to when we were happy. I don’t even want anyone else, even if the perfect guy showed up at my door step right now, I would rather have the imperfect father of my child. Im at home with son a lot coz I work from home a lot and it breaks my heart everytime I look at my lil boy, and when he asks where is his daddy In our last convo, He has said to me I’m too controlling with our finances, he wants to manage his money himself and he will step up and pay for things but don’t want me to control our finances. I said no I cannot do it that way as I just don’t trust he can, as he has shown time n time again spending the last cents of pay so nothing is left to pay for mortgage n bills and getting into debt. Should I stick to my decision? Or is there something else I can try? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lil_missy Posted January 9, 2020 Author Share Posted January 9, 2020 5 hours ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said: Is it possible he didn't want to be married in the first place, and only did so because of the pregnancy? Have you tried marital counseling? No he definitely wanted to be married, he proposed to me a few days before we found out we were pregnant. marriage counseling, I don’t know there is anything necessarily wrong with our relationship per say, but more he doesn’t adult very well and it’s a major financial issue. He just simply cannot manage money at all and gets us into debt consistently and then lies about it til he can’t hide it anymore 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lil_missy Posted January 9, 2020 Author Share Posted January 9, 2020 6 hours ago, Mr. Lucky said: Sorry to hear. I doubt we have to tell you to be very careful with any accounts or assets he has access to, he has even less reining him in now. I’d move quickly to get new accounts open and funds transferred. Have you spoken to a lawyer? You might want to strike preemptively, though your H doesn’t sound like he’d be in a hurry to get things in order. Expect the same conduct during separation and divorce - and then some... Mr. Lucky We already seperated account since April this year as the joint wasn’t working and we were trying diff things. So that’s not a problem I have my own money set aside. And I’m fairly certain his not gonna bother to fight me on anything asset wise as he is so lazy and “ can’t be bothered” with anything to complicated and getting a lawyer and going to court def falls under the too complicated pile. I don’t think we even need lawyers for the divorce. The only thing I’m worried about is if he gets mad he might physically take my son. But that’s a big if, I don’t think he would and I’ll try not to piss him off. Custody wise again, there is no way he’d take me to court and if he did I know I’d win for sure as I’m the only responsible one in the relationship and have been doing the primary child care all along. Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted January 9, 2020 Share Posted January 9, 2020 It's so frustrating to try so hard and not succeed. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lil_missy Posted January 9, 2020 Author Share Posted January 9, 2020 Yes tell me about, I have tried the hardest ever in my life. And I know he has tried very hard as well. He was so stressed he nearly had a mental break down and sliced his arm with a knife and had to go hospital. But his mom managed all his pay til he met me and she just gave him amounts whenever he asked, he literally for 30 years never worried or managed a bill in his life or had a single budget. And i feel a huge part of it is his moms fault, sometimes I really hate her. Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted January 12, 2020 Share Posted January 12, 2020 On 1/9/2020 at 5:44 PM, lil_missy said: It hasn’t even been a day and I already want my family back. I just want my Lil family back to when we were happy. I don’t even want anyone else, even if the perfect guy showed up at my door step right now, I would rather have the imperfect father of my child. Im at home with son a lot coz I work from home a lot and it breaks my heart everytime I look at my lil boy, and when he asks where is his daddy What happy family? Your husband is a man child who cannot function as an adult, is manipulative, entitled, lazy, and literally runs up debts through gambling and other irresponsible behaviors, and basically sponges off you while his daddy mows his lawn because he can't be bothered. FFS, he's such a piss poor example of manhood I'm trying to figure out why you want him to be your child's model for male behavior. Poor kid growing up with this sad example of an adult romantic relationship and even sadder example of male adulthood. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Daisydooks Posted January 13, 2020 Share Posted January 13, 2020 On 1/7/2020 at 5:32 PM, schlumpy said: It puzzles me as to how a person like yourself ends up with someone that is opposite of what you want She got pregnant a year into dating. Together 5 years, with a 3 year old. Just a guess here but this was where my brain went when I saw you post this, Schlumpy Either he changed after they for married (insert eye roll,) or they were wrapped up and in love and she had blinders on. My guess is the latter (only speaking from my own experience as I, too, have had blinders on in my past - so no judgement to the OP!!) I have been this girl. I know her well and by name. Lol. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted January 13, 2020 Share Posted January 13, 2020 On 1/9/2020 at 5:48 PM, lil_missy said: No he definitely wanted to be married, he proposed to me a few days before we found out we were pregnant. marriage counseling, I don’t know there is anything necessarily wrong with our relationship per say, but more he doesn’t adult very well and it’s a major financial issue. He just simply cannot manage money at all and gets us into debt consistently and then lies about it til he can’t hide it anymore You would not be contemplating divorce if there were nothing wrong with your relationship. I definitely think you need to try marriage counseling. Also, his mother may have spoiled him, but he's an adult, now. It is his responsibility to get his finances in order - no more excuses - if he wants to keep his family intact. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Rockdad Posted January 13, 2020 Share Posted January 13, 2020 I see your husbands behavior pretty regularly in business. My highly educated sister is 60 and has been enabled by my father her whole life and can't manage herself what so ever. Now that he is passed she is in a mess hinting near daily for me to bail her out. I have 50 yr old customers where there parents still paying there bills. I wouldn't put much hope at this stage he is ever going to be any different that what he right now. You have to much of a load to carry a full grown man on your back. If you don't stick with your decision expect more of the same that got you where you are. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted January 13, 2020 Share Posted January 13, 2020 3 hours ago, Daisydooks said: She got pregnant a year into dating. Together 5 years, with a 3 year old. Just a guess here but this was where my brain went when I saw you post this, Schlumpy Either he changed after they for married (insert eye roll,) or they were wrapped up and in love and she had blinders on. My guess is the latter (only speaking from my own experience as I, too, have had blinders on in my past - so no judgement to the OP!!) I have been this girl. I know her well and by name. Lol. It wasn't a criticism on my part and I believe the OP got my underlying sentiment that I felt regret that someone with her qualities would chose the path she has walked. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lil_missy Posted January 14, 2020 Author Share Posted January 14, 2020 Thanks guys for your support, i really never even heard of this enabling thing before but it sounds like a serious problem and it’s so sad coz no parent should be allowed to ruin their children’s lives by doing this. And how much the adult child is responsible for this is very hard to say. we have decided the sell the house and my husband is still trying, he says he is here to stay unless I choose to leave and that he will move with me where I wanna go after we sell. I agreed to him but I still don’t feel much hope, I feel like I just want to move to my parents with my son after this is done and be done with the relationship, but I don’t have the heart to do it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Daisydooks Posted January 14, 2020 Share Posted January 14, 2020 (edited) When you say he is trying, what is he doing? Of course he is here to stay. As much as his mother has babied him, I doubt he wants to live with her. Seems quite comfortable with you taking care of things so I don't see him rocking that boat if he can avoid it. Unfortunately you have caught on which has caused you to lose hope in the relationship You sound like perfect woman LOL. Of course he isn't going anywhere. Edited January 14, 2020 by Daisydooks Link to post Share on other sites
Author lil_missy Posted January 14, 2020 Author Share Posted January 14, 2020 2 hours ago, Daisydooks said: When you say he is trying, what is he doing? Of course he is here to stay. As much as his mother has babied him, I doubt he wants to live with her. Seems quite comfortable with you taking care of things so I don't see him rocking that boat if he can avoid it. Unfortunately you have caught on which has caused you to lose hope in the relationship You sound like perfect woman LOL. Of course he isn't going anywhere. Haha yeh honestly I think he has it so good here, somebody to cook n clean for him, take care of house n baby as well as pay for everything if he hasn’t got money. I’m too f***ing exhausted from doing this for 3 years. He is trying .... yeh pretty much just all words atm, he said all his debt is gone so he will contributing more to the family now. He started doing a abit more around the house too 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Rockdad Posted January 14, 2020 Share Posted January 14, 2020 OP didn't you say this "hiding debts from me, no transparency with what he does"? Do you really believe the dept is paid off? Link to post Share on other sites
Author lil_missy Posted January 15, 2020 Author Share Posted January 15, 2020 (edited) 12 hours ago, Rockdad said: OP didn't you say this "hiding debts from me, no transparency with what he does"? Do you really believe the dept is paid off? He swears up and down , hand on heart it’s all paid off. And to be honest I don’t completely believe it, he is still not giving me full transparency which makes me feel his hiding something. Btw what line of work are you in that you see all these incompetent people? Edited January 15, 2020 by lil_missy Link to post Share on other sites
Rockdad Posted January 15, 2020 Share Posted January 15, 2020 Residential and Commercial mechanical service Company Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted January 15, 2020 Share Posted January 15, 2020 (edited) .............. Edited January 15, 2020 by RecentChange Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted January 15, 2020 Share Posted January 15, 2020 14 hours ago, lil_missy said: He swears up and down , hand on heart it’s all paid off. And to be honest I don’t completely believe it, he is still not giving me full transparency which makes me feel his hiding something. Btw what line of work are you in that you see all these incompetent people? Make him move unless he shows you the PROOF that he isn’t lying! you said he did drugs when he was younger - is he still doing any drugs now? Link to post Share on other sites
Author lil_missy Posted January 15, 2020 Author Share Posted January 15, 2020 3 hours ago, S2B said: Make him move unless he shows you the PROOF that he isn’t lying! you said he did drugs when he was younger - is he still doing any drugs now? That’s the thing our whole marriage he had an issue showing me proof for anything. He will say he spent thousands of dollars on X, then when I ask for an invoice or whatever he will get mad and say I don’t trust him and won’t show me anything. I know how bad this sounds. I just can’t shake the feeling his hiding things from me. I don’t believe he is still on drugs, he is on methadone which he take daily. Which is another problem I have with him. I’m worried maybe he can’t get off bcuz if he does then he has cravings for drugs again that he can’t resist Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted January 15, 2020 Share Posted January 15, 2020 (edited) These are his problems - big problems you can’t fix. my best guess is drugs... especially being sneaky and no prof of where his money goes. i can’t see one reason to stay - I wouldn’t even trust him with a small child. unless he becomes willing to OFFER you complete evidence of what he is actually doing/earning/spending - I can’t see how he’s a great match for you. heck he’s not even an even participant around the house - and that doesn’t take much effort. looks like he’s taking advantage of you! methadone is for opiates... was he using heroin? Edited January 15, 2020 by S2B Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 17, 2020 Share Posted January 17, 2020 On 1/15/2020 at 1:32 PM, lil_missy said: I don’t believe he is still on drugs, he is on methadone which he take daily. Which is another problem I have with him. I’m worried maybe he can’t get off bcuz if he does then he has cravings for drugs again that he can’t resist Many addicts, even if they're not actively using, still live the addiction life. So while methadone may address the biochemical need, it does nothing to fix the learned behaviors. The same drama, deceit and dissemination that characterize relapse follow them into recovery. I'd guess these are bigger lifestyle issues and play a greater part in his dysfunction than any family history. Does he go to meetings? Have you been to NarAnon? Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lil_missy Posted January 18, 2020 Author Share Posted January 18, 2020 On 1/16/2020 at 8:40 AM, S2B said: These are his problems - big problems you can’t fix. my best guess is drugs... especially being sneaky and no prof of where his money goes. i can’t see one reason to stay - I wouldn’t even trust him with a small child. unless he becomes willing to OFFER you complete evidence of what he is actually doing/earning/spending - I can’t see how he’s a great match for you. heck he’s not even an even participant around the house - and that doesn’t take much effort. looks like he’s taking advantage of you! methadone is for opiates... was he using heroin? He used heroin when he was much younger before I met him and successfully got off it using methadone. Then got off methadone as well. So I wasn’t put off by it when he told me, I thought it was all in the past Link to post Share on other sites
Author lil_missy Posted January 18, 2020 Author Share Posted January 18, 2020 (edited) 22 hours ago, Mr. Lucky said: Many addicts, even if they're not actively using, still live the addiction life. So while methadone may address the biochemical need, it does nothing to fix the learned behaviors. The same drama, deceit and dissemination that characterize relapse follow them into recovery. I'd guess these are bigger lifestyle issues and play a greater part in his dysfunction than any family history. Does he go to meetings? Have you been to NarAnon? Mr. Lucky This is prob quite true, I haven’t thought about it that way. This reminds of a couple of times only he has told me sometimes he still gets craving for heroin but he would never go back on it. Nah he doesn’t go to any meetings and neither do I. It hasn’t really been an issue until recently when I realised he was really having trouble getting off it. When I met him he wasn’t using methadone or on any drugs anymore. I’m sure coz we were together 24/7. Then once before he went back on methadone coz he said he had back pain, I didn’t really ask what it was, he just told me was pain killer. After a month or so he got off it and still had back pain sometimes that he went to Physio for. Then about a year ago he went on again for back pain and this time it lasted ages and he couldn’t get off. That’s why I started asking more questions and he finally told me it was methadone and I looked it up and realised what it was. But I always believed he could get off since he’d done it before. But he told me coz of our constant fighting he couldn’t, he couldn’t deal with the withdraws at the same time. I know there were times he got his methadone off the street as well and it was very expensive. But from the pharmacy it is cheap. Edited January 18, 2020 by lil_missy Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 18, 2020 Share Posted January 18, 2020 4 hours ago, lil_missy said: I know there were times he got his methadone off the street as well and it was very expensive. But from the pharmacy it is cheap. The only reason an addict would get methadone on the street is if they couldn't pass that drug test needed to get it legally. And while methadone is indeed a pain killer, it isn't prescribed that way because there are other cheaper and more effective alternatives. Probably another instance where you're being told some half-truths and some outright lies. It's what addicts do... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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