How do I stop enabling my husband

[S2B]

Looks like all that money is being spent on drugs.

thats likely where the money is going missing. it’s also why he won’t be honest with you.

u less he’s willing to go to rehab and become honest and transparent - I suggest you leave him.

[lil_missy]

6 hours ago, Mr. Lucky said:

The only reason an addict would get methadone on the street is if they couldn't pass that drug test needed to get it legally.  And while methadone is indeed a pain killer, it isn't prescribed that way because there are other cheaper and more effective alternatives.

Probably another instance where you're being told some half-truths and some outright lies.  It's what addicts do...

Mr. Lucky

He told me it was coz the bottle leaked or broke. Or he reduced it too much n now needs a top up. He also told me about the drug tests too that’s why he didn’t like to smoke weed. 

Ive always thought of him as such a simple guy! But lots of ppl tell me he might be spinning these elaborate lies to me.  

He def wasn’t on drugs when we met, we were so happy for 2 years no issues at all. Then we got married n moved to back to his old neighbourhood near his parents, he said he didnt want to move there and there were lots of memories of doing drugs there. 

I should have listened, there was one dodgy guy that started coming around a lot. He prob started doing it again. Gosh I’m so pissed! 

he often tells me that he can’t tell me stuff coz I always blow up, I always thought he was just referring to the debts but maybe drugs too? 

Edited January 18, 2020 by lil_missy

[S2B]

Yep, at this point you can’t believe one thing he says.

if he won’t take a drug test on the spot - then you can assume he’s using again - and have a plan to leave him if that happens.

[S2B]

He can’t blame his using on anyone else. His behavior is what he owns. 
don’t blame the neighborhood, the sketchy guy or his parents!

but if he can’t account for every dollar throughout any month or day even - then you need to assume he’s spending on things he doesn’t want you to know about and is likely using again.

get a solid plan together in case he is - make sure you always have a way to make sure you’re safe.

if he’s using he needs serious long term help. It’s something you can’t help him with - you need to help yourself by finding out what’s real... and how to proceed.

 

[lil_missy]

So it’s been about 10 days seperated. He has been living at his parents and me still in our house, I have our son most of the time and he comes to visit quite often and takes him some night too. We have taken him out on a few family outings too. 

Next week I’m moving to my parents for the foreseeable future. 

I can see lately he has been trying to make changes, he has cut his methadone dose drastically and is looking into other ways to get off it quickly instead of weaning slowly. I worry about this but then I think I. Should just leave him to do his thing since we are seperated now. 

He told me today he has a plan. Which is he has about 20k stashed away from his redundancy a while ago. Which he had invested for the family for the future and didn’t want to touch, even through all our financial struggles. Now he says he will take all that money out, split it with me so that covers things I’ve been paying for. He said all his debts are paid off now and from next pay he will be contributing to the mortgage again. 

We are in the process of selling our house. And he said once it’s sold he plans to rent a place close to my parents so he can see us often, and work on us and hopefully im willing to move in with him there after a while. 

This is big deal coz we’ve lived next to his parents for 3 years and I started to hate it more and more. And I wanted to raise my son near my parents, with our values, not the ones his family has. He was very opposed to this before as he doesnt see eye to eye with my parents, but now he is willing to move next to them, I know that is not easy for him to do. 

I don’t know if he will follow through with all this or not. I’m 50/50 doubtful as he has a few hard hurdles esp the getting off methadone. He promised me he is not on any drugs other than methadone and isn’t craving for any. 

But do you guys think this could work? Say we seperate for 6 months and he takes that time to gets his act together and does what he proposes to do? 

Its what I always wanted - for us to live near my parents. And the change of environment I think is crucial for us to even have a chance. I know staying where we are, me having to put up with his family we had zero chance. 

 

[Daisydooks]

On 1/15/2020 at 4:32 PM, lil_missy said:

he is on methadone which he take daily. Which is another problem I have with him. I’m worried maybe he can’t get off bcuz if he does then he has cravings for drugs again that he can’t resist 

One of my best friends exs is on methadone 11 years later. He started it because he was not allowed to see his children unless he was clean. His daughters are now 12 and 14. He had his custody revoked when they were babies and he is still on the darn stuff. 

The ONLY reason he would get it off the street would be to avoid feeling a withdrawal, and to avoid failing a drug test. If he did fail a drug test at his clinic, they would increase his visits and wouldnt let him do a week of carry outs

[lil_missy]

1 minute ago, Daisydooks said:

One of my best friends exs is on methadone 11 years later. He started it because he was not allowed to see his children unless he was clean. His daughters are now 12 and 14. He had his custody revoked when they were babies and he is still on the darn stuff. 

The ONLY reason he would get it off the street would be to avoid feeling a withdrawal, and to avoid failing a drug test. If he did fail a drug test at his clinic, they would increase his visits and wouldnt let him do a week of carry outs

Unfortunately I am aware that many people are on methadone for life, that it is extremely hard to get it. Infact, my husbands sister is on methadone for life. 

But I also know there are many people that DO get off. And my husband has gotten off it before. So I don’t doubt that he can... if he wants it badly enough. 

I’m not ok with someone being on something so strong as this when they don’t really need it. He knows if he is not off I will never give him another chance. 

And if he can’t fix his problems, I am willing to walk away 

[Daisydooks]

1 hour ago, lil_missy said:

Unfortunately I am aware that many people are on methadone for life, that it is extremely hard to get it. Infact, my husbands sister is on methadone for life. 

But I also know there are many people that DO get off. And my husband has gotten off it before. So I don’t doubt that he can... if he wants it badly enough. 

I’m not ok with someone being on something so strong as this when they don’t really need it. He knows if he is not off I will never give him another chance. 

And if he can’t fix his problems, I am willing to walk away 

I am really sorry for all you're going through. I went through it with my ex. It wasn't his addiction I left him for but his cheating 12 years in. No kids, so moving forward was the most sane answer. I dont envy you or the choices you've got to make here. Hugs! Know you're not alone and have support. Xoxo

[Crazelnut]

I'd say you should carry on with your separation and also take the money.  See where he is in 6 months, and reevaluate then.  You don't have to make any "take him back" decisions right now.  Let him prove to you that he can get his crap together and sustain it.