How to Analyze This

[major_merrick]

I finally got the honeymoon trip that my husband promised me two years ago!

On Friday he surprised me, got me into his truck, and we went off on a road trip.  He initially wouldn't tell me where we were going.  I found out that he'd overheard me talking to GF#1 about this Mustang that I was admiring on Ebay.  He bought it for me!  A 1967....I've always wanted one, and now I have one of my dream projects.  On the way we stayed in a couple of REALLY NICE hotels, the kind with rooms as big as a house and a personal chef to cook dinner.  He knows I don't eat anything unhealthy since I'm pregnant, so he made sure that everything was cooked in front of me with good quality organic ingredients.  Overall, we had an awesome time, and I got plenty of 1-on-1 attention that I normally don't get. 

Since I've been upset with him lately, I wonder if he's just fulfilling his promise now that he's found time and a good fun activity, or if he's trying to buy me off?  I don't mean that to sound as bad as it does, but I don't know how else to say it.  I like expensive toys (who doesn't) but I need the quality time and the physical attention.  I don't know how to tell him, since I don't do well in conversation and I have trouble with words.  And I don't want to be too demanding, since I share with other partners.  Wife #1 was seriously missing him after 4 days. 

I've figured out that I've got to have certain things to keep my marriage stable.  I need more time to talk, since I can't come up with the necessary words to express what I feel.  It takes hours, or even a couple of days.  IDK how to get that in our busy lives.  I need more physical contact.  Not necessarily sex, although that got neglected recently and I really suffer without it.  On our trip we had sex multiple times a day, and we were connected physically almost the entire day.  When he was driving, I curled up in the middle seat right next to him.  I feel better after doing that for all those hours.  IDK how to tell him that without seeming needy/clingy/crazy.  He's got a way of calming me down that nobody else can do.  I sit in his lap and he rubs his hands lightly up and down my back and my sides.  He used to do that years ago when I was his girlfriend, but not so much anymore.  Why?  And how to get that on a daily basis, or maybe 2-3x a week?
 

[alphamale]

I can't wait to see pics of your new pony car

[RecentChange]

I honestly don't know how he can find the time and money for all of this. It's absolutely amazing to me.

Curious - what does his daily schedule look like? How does he provide 1 on 1 attention to each of his four wives, plus spend time with his children (how many are there?) plus work full time to support everyone - PLUS be able to take time away from work and spend lavishly on hotels... 

I would say if you need more of his time to comfort you etc - you need to figure out a way to clear up blocks of his schedule to make extra time for you.

The man also needs sleep etc for physical and mental health - does he still not sleep well?

I understand you have needs - but I also wonder, what are his needs? 

[major_merrick]

@RecentChangeMost days he's got a normal daytime kind of schedule.  Evenings and weekends and holidays off, plus plenty of vacation time.  He makes really good money, and our household is also very efficient with multiple incomes and no debt.  Even when we were teenagers, he always had a lot of restless energy and was busy making money.  He was actually my first boss!  He had his own business with employees while in school, and also had a part-time "normal" job.  

One thing about making money and being thrifty is that later on you can afford some luxuries.  I owned my own home with no debt before 30.  When I sold it, I banked the money and bought a cheap rental property in the city where I used to live and work.  I've been thinking of buying a couple others, since people are moving there and rent is going way up.  The cheap house I bought will have paid for itself in rent in less than 5 years.  Since I don't work, being a landlord is a pretty easy way to make my money make more money.  (Or would that be "landlady?"  But I'm definitely not ladylike...)

I wish I could clear up some of his schedule, because I think he's got more community stuff than he should with a family like ours.  It's like there's something going on almost every evening after dinner or later on at night.  He likes to be around people and I know that's some of what recharges him mentally.  I know that's one thing he needs, so 1-on-1 time isn't as big a priority for him.  And when a friend calls and wants him to hang out or help with something, off he goes...  For me, his biggest flaw is that he doesn't say no to other people as much as he should.  Like the sheriff thing.  We had to wait and see and I had to stress out for a couple of weeks about it when his answer should have been NO from the start.  Then again, that's the same personality trait that had him plan a trip to go get the project car that I wanted. 

But tonight, he's off doing stuff again.  We got home in the afternoon, and he spent time with the kids and left after dinner.  IDK when he'll get back.  I think Wife #1 was disappointed, and she's up waiting for him because she doesn't want to sleep without him.  She curled up with me for a while, and then got up restless.  We just don't get that much 1-on-1 time because our lives are so "together" constantly. 

How do other people talk to their partners about emotional needs?  Because I've never really been able to express it the right way, find the right time, or generally feel comfortable about it.

[major_merrick]

5 hours ago, alphamale said:

I can't wait to see pics of your new pony car

Maybe I'll upload some when I get it done.  It's got no engine or transmission at the moment, but the body is perfect and in primer.  The hard part's done.  I hate sanding...  So this is going to be my "Eleanor" car when it gets done.  Not a true GT500, but close enough that I can have the looks without the pricetag.  I'm spoiled, but not a quarter million bucks worth 😇

[PinkFlamingo]

10 hours ago, RecentChange said:

I honestly don't know how he can find the time and money for all of this. It's absolutely amazing to me.

Curious - what does his daily schedule look like? How does he provide 1 on 1 attention to each of his four wives, plus spend time with his children (how many are there?) plus work full time to support everyone - PLUS be able to take time away from work and spend lavishly on hotels... 

I would say if you need more of his time to comfort you etc - you need to figure out a way to clear up blocks of his schedule to make extra time for you.

The man also needs sleep etc for physical and mental health - does he still not sleep well?

I understand you have needs - but I also wonder, what are his needs? 

You forgot time for exercising and sleeping. 😄

[PinkFlamingo]

6 hours ago, major_merrick said:

How do other people talk to their partners about emotional needs?  Because I've never really been able to express it the right way, find the right time, or generally feel comfortable about it.

You are expressing yourself quite well in the forum. Maybe the written form suits you better? Why don't you write him a letter? That gives you time to sort out your thoughts and be as clear as you need to be.

[major_merrick]

I hadn't thought about writing a letter.  But wouldn't that be weird since we see each other all the time anyways?  But it might be the only choice since I just can't get the words out.
 

Edited January 8, 2020 by major_merrick

[RecentChange]

16 hours ago, major_merrick said:

@RecentChangeMost days he's got a normal daytime kind of schedule.  Evenings and weekends and holidays off, plus plenty of vacation time.  He makes really good money, and our household is also very efficient with multiple incomes and no debt.  Even when we were teenagers, he always had a lot of restless energy and was busy making money.  He was actually my first boss!  He had his own business with employees while in school, and also had a part-time "normal" job.  

One thing about making money and being thrifty is that later on you can afford some luxuries.  I owned my own home with no debt before 30.  When I sold it, I banked the money and bought a cheap rental property in the city where I used to live and work.  I've been thinking of buying a couple others, since people are moving there and rent is going way up.  

How do other people talk to their partners about emotional needs?  Because I've never really been able to express it the right way, find the right time, or generally feel comfortable about it.

I forget how radically different cost of living is in your area vs. mine. 

Houses here costs $750,00+ for starter homes / small condos. 30 something's can't work any sort of "normal" job and own one debt free. 

I Iust talk about them! I have sat my husband down and told him how I need physical affection, cuddling etc to be happy and content. How without it I feel detached and anxious. I tell him how he has an amazing ability to make me feel good (praise do not criticize) and how much his touch means to me / has an affect etc.

My husband is also an extreme extrovert and needs a lot of social time - and I understand that and give it to him without complaint.

But I compromise with him, he compromises with me. While I feel comforted by constant touch, he can feel smothered by it. So again compromise - I am not in his space constantly, yet he is more than happy to stroke my hair, hold me etc while I fall asleep because he knows it's important to me.

Talk about your needs, and figure out where you can compromise.

As for 1 on 1 time being difficult in your situation - well, that is kinda what you signed up for and you are going to have to compromise here. To me it's akin to a new mother complaining about a lack of sleep - that's what babies bring. You might be able to get a break here and there, but it's the nature of the beast. 

[major_merrick]

Yeah, you're paying California costs.  One of many reasons why I would never live there.  Your labor just doesn't buy as much when cost of living is 7x and salary is only 3x.  I've known people who worked in California for 1-3 years and lived in the backseat of a car to keep costs down, then came back here and bought a house with cash!    

I understand that my situation limits the 1-on-1 time that I get.  So I try not to be needy.  During the Christmas season it seemed like I was falling through the cracks and getting ignored by all my partners, and that didn't help.  And I guess I'm a bit jealous.  Wife #1 gets more attention than I do.  I understand that she needs it or she gets kind of neurotic, but that knowledge doesn't help me to not feel ignored.  Like you say, it makes me feel detached and anxious.  Expressing that (while feeling it at the same time) becomes impossible. 

Part of my problem is my upbringing.  When you're never safe to express emotions (unless you're mad) you don't do it well later in life.  And you can do it better with a stranger than with someone who knows you.  Stupid, really, but that's what I'm dealing with.