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How NOT to mess up the whole casual fwb/fb situation?

Metsgal

By Metsgal,
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Metsgal

Metsgal

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I currently have a new boytoy. We both seem to get along well. What are the rules to keep this sane and without me looking clingy? For example: I shouldn't be the one to text first because that's going to make me look clingy and seems like I'm chasing. I should let him reach out to me until he's the mood?

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Happy Lemming

Happy Lemming

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He is male... feed him and have sex with him (often) and everything will be just fine.

For the record, "boytoy" is always in the mood (for sex).  Yes, text him, invite him over, NOW!! No need to wait!!

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Miss Spider

Miss Spider

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What’s the point of having a fb boy toy if you can’t hit him up when you want some

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Metsgal

Metsgal

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Well, from my past experiences, where I was in a causal situation,  I would always reach out first , to the point that I was getting excuses and getting blown off. I believe due to me constantly texting, it appeared I came off as desperate and clingy. 

I don't want to mess up with my current boytoy-since he's 18 years younger than me, I don't want to look like a crazy woman if I constantly reached out to him. I mean, its been a week since we've seen each other...so...

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Happy Lemming

Happy Lemming

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50 minutes ago, Metsgal said:

I mean, its been a week since we've seen each other...so...

So... SEXT HIM!!  Invite him over!!

I had one FWB that would sext me pictures.  I would "red-line" my sportbike to get over there!!

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Metsgal

Metsgal

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8 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

So... SEXT HIM!!  Invite him over!!

I had one FWB that would sext me pictures.  I would "red-line" my sportbike to get over there!!

I'm fine with texting him first, but I don't want to look crazy, clingy, possessive, obsessive, I've had some bad experiences in the past whenever I was the one reaching out.  

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Happy Lemming

Happy Lemming

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3 minutes ago, Metsgal said:

... I don't want to look crazy, clingy, possessive, obsessive.  

You won't...

I remember one time, I had showered, gotten into bed, was reading and just about fell asleep... when a text came in from my FWB. I jumped out of bed, threw on some clothes, grabbed my helmet, jacket and keys and out the door I went... into the night. She was so happy to see me and I was very excited to see her. 

She always said my eyes lit up like a kid on Christmas morning when she disrobed.  Trust me... your "boytoy" feels the same way!

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Happy Lemming

Happy Lemming

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I also had a different FWB and she had a weekly set day/time to get together.  Occasionally, she would call and invite me over for additional "meetings", but we always kept our "weekly" time. 

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Metsgal

Metsgal

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14 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

You won't...

I remember one time, I had showered, gotten into bed, was reading and just about fell asleep... when a text came in from my FWB. I jumped out of bed, threw on some clothes, grabbed my helmet, jacket and keys and out the door I went... into the night. She was so happy to see me and I was very excited to see her. 

She always said my eyes lit up like a kid on Christmas morning when she disrobed.  Trust me... your "boytoy" feels the same way!

Well...if he felt that same way, then why hasn't he reached out to me?

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Happy Lemming

Happy Lemming

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Just now, Metsgal said:

Well...if he felt that same way, then why hasn't he reached out to me?

With an FWB relationship, I've always left it up to the woman to call/text.  That way it didn't seem like I was begging to come around, although I always wanted to come around.  Sometimes (for a man) it feels like you are pestering your FWB for sex and you can ruin a good thing (if you go to the well too many times).

Trust me... "boytoy" wants to be there "early and often"!!

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CAPSLOCK BANDIT

CAPSLOCK BANDIT

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I don't have normal texts with women who are FwB... We either sext or dont text... I have had women who did try to keep up with me and treat me like a friend, but I mean, she ain't gonna be the mother of my child, she ain't gonna be my gf, she gonna be squeeze and that is all.

It sounds like you are reaching for more than just FwB

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Metsgal

Metsgal

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Okay, so if I do initiate contact with him, it should only sexual type texts...not.."hey, how was your day?" My theory is that if he's not reaching out to me first...it means, he's keeping busy/talking to other females..which is fine, but I don't want to look like a fool by sexting him first to get a rejection response..or a response like..."oh, not tonight.." with no plans of making plans on his end. Does that make sense?

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Happy Lemming

Happy Lemming

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Just now, Metsgal said:

Okay, so if I do initiate contact with him...

If you are not comfortable with a sext or picture... then "Hi, would you like to come over??"  If you are a little more daring... "Hi, I just made pork chops for dinner, guess what dessert is going to be??" or  "Hi, grab a bottle of wine and get over here"

Are you comfortable with any of those texts??

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Happy Lemming

Happy Lemming

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For me, all an FWB had to text was "Hi"... because my response was "Can I come over??"

Edited by Happy Lemming
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snowboy91

snowboy91

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3 hours ago, Metsgal said:

 For example: I shouldn't be the one to text first because that's going to make me look clingy and seems like I'm chasing. 

I didn't realise there was such a hard rule about it. Isn't the whole point of a FWB is to get sex whenever (or close to whenever) you want? You're allowed to want it too you know!

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CAPSLOCK BANDIT

CAPSLOCK BANDIT

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37 minutes ago, Metsgal said:

Okay, so if I do initiate contact with him, it should only sexual type texts...not.."hey, how was your day?" My theory is that if he's not reaching out to me first...it means, he's keeping busy/talking to other females..which is fine, but I don't want to look like a fool by sexting him first to get a rejection response..or a response like..."oh, not tonight.." with no plans of making plans on his end. Does that make sense?

The thing is, some guys get rejected so much that they almost have a chip on their shoulder and so the first opportunity they have to turn down a chick, they will take it, just to kind of get off on you.. You can sext him, but also hold him accountable to your FwB, like for example, if he rejects your offer, "Ok, but soon..."

The other thing is that FwB usually doesn't last forever, people move on and stuff, so I mean, you should always be shopping around for a better fit, whether that means the schedule or the d, you can always find a better fit for you... He doesn't have to know that and you don't have to tell him that, you are free to almost lead him on if you wish because this isnt a relationship, but he is also free to lead you on, so you always wanna be shopping.

Edited by CAPSLOCK BANDIT
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basil67

basil67

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3 hours ago, Metsgal said:

Well...if he felt that same way, then why hasn't he reached out to me?

Most likely because he's not interested in further bedroom fun with you.    Either that or his mom found out.

Edited by basil67
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PinkFlamingo

PinkFlamingo

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7 hours ago, CAPSLOCK BANDIT said:

The thing is, some guys get rejected so much that they almost have a chip on their shoulder and so the first opportunity they have to turn down a chick, they will take it, just to kind of get off on you.. You can sext him, but also hold him accountable to your FwB, like for example, if he rejects your offer, "Ok, but soon..."

The other thing is that FwB usually doesn't last forever, people move on and stuff, so I mean, you should always be shopping around for a better fit, whether that means the schedule or the d, you can always find a better fit for you... He doesn't have to know that and you don't have to tell him that, you are free to almost lead him on if you wish because this isnt a relationship, but he is also free to lead you on, so you always wanna be shopping.

There are rules in FWB relationships? Like, you can expect that he fulfills your sexual needs? I always thought it was more casual.

And can you be led on, if there is no agreement for exclusivity? A guy once offered me an exclusive FWB, so just me and him. That seemed a bit weird for a FWB. Maybe I should start a thread about FWB rules and differences to relationships.

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CAPSLOCK BANDIT

CAPSLOCK BANDIT

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3 hours ago, PinkFlamingo said:

There are rules in FWB relationships? Like, you can expect that he fulfills your sexual needs? I always thought it was more casual.

And can you be led on, if there is no agreement for exclusivity? A guy once offered me an exclusive FWB, so just me and him. That seemed a bit weird for a FWB. Maybe I should start a thread about FWB rules and differences to relationships.

Rules are born of circumstance; the circumstance is that men are more available than women for FwB... If he does not recognize that and provide to her need, she should move on. Her holding him accountable is only for the short term, inbetween shopping.

Exclusive FwB? Yuck!!

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mark clemson

mark clemson

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13 hours ago, Metsgal said:

I'm fine with texting him first, but I don't want to look crazy, clingy, possessive, obsessive, I've had some bad experiences in the past whenever I was the one reaching out.  

Once/week is not clingy/possessive. Nor is twice/week. The path not trodden is soon overgrown. No sense in both of you playing a waiting game.

Note: Basil may be right that he's done. Hopefully not. Also if this lasts and is truly an FWB situation, hopefully you won't get attached and become clingy, etc.

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Happy Lemming

Happy Lemming

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1 minute ago, mark clemson said:

Once/week is not clingy/possessive. Nor is twice/week.

Kind of reminds me of one FWB...  One evening, we had sex (her rule was no spending the night), so I left and went home.  When I got in the door, she texted me, told she got super horny after I left and wanted a "round two".  So, I showered up, put on clean clothes, filled the bike up with gas and back down the highway for "round two". 

This FWB was a lot of fun!!

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d0nnivain

d0nnivain

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Metsgal --

I like you.  I really do.  But honestly, I don't think you are hardwired for the whole FWB thing.  I think you are a person who gets attached & invests her whole heart.  I think you get into these situations because you are just not an aloof person.   You convince yourself that you will be OK being a FWB but you get attached & then you get hurt.  

If you are a confident secure person, texting somebody first will not make you look clingy.  People are either clingy or they aren't.  Texting banal chit chat is clingy.  It's an indication that you are looking for some kind of personal interaction, validation that you matter to the other person beside being a warm body to get sweaty with.  If you text, Hey.  I'm bored.  Come over & entertain me  the guy will show up raring to go.  That sends a confident message -- either show up or I will find somebody else who will.  You text What's up?  Are you busy?  Do you think you can find some time to hang out with me this week? -- sounds sniveling.  It reads like you are seeking emotional support rather than an instant gratification play mate.  

Honestly I think if you raised your standards, stopped messing around with "children" 18 years your junior & held out for a quality man who wants a relationship & who knows how to be in a relationship you will be better off.  Somewhere, I suspect you secretly think that if you sleep with a guy, you will eventually win over his heart.  Alas, the guy ends up seeing you as somebody who lacks self worth.  

I want to wrong.  And  I want you to be happy.   But do text this boy toy only about 10% of the time you want to.  

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rjc149

rjc149

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Just understand that all FWB situations end and they rarely end without hurt. Someone starts getting feels, and it's usually you, the woman. Sex is an emotional bonding act for women. Women will rarely keep seeing a man for sex if she feels no emotional connection to him, and the sex will reinforce that connection. 

For men, a FWB is often as simple as being an easy, available wet hole. Bear in mind that men are rarely romantically attracted to their FWB's. That's why you're his FWB, and not his GF. 

So understanding that this is temporary, and it will most likely end once either finds a more suitable dating situation that does not involve the other, the key to keeping it fun and sexy is to keep thing light and non-emotional. If he doesn't reply for a while, or declines, or goes a while without contacting you, you have to be totally fine with that. You can't start dumping your emotional needs and communication requirements and desires to feel appreciated and attractive on him. It's not a relationship, it's not his job to fulfill you emotionally. He's just using your vagina to masturbate.  

Reach out to him when you're horny and want to f--k. That's the only time you should be contacting him. Have fun!

Edited by rjc149
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Miss Spider

Miss Spider

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I agree with the above posters who say that you can’t take things too personal in these kinds of arrangements. If you want someone who is not talking to others and kind of has to fulfill your sexual needs and be there for you when you want, you need a committed relationship. This is basically the opposite of that. You gotta be cool with them not being available at times

Edited by Cookiesandough
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