When your friends are 'too busy' for you.

[Syd8]

Has anyone else had this issue? I used to have friends but I've cut basically all of them from my life. They would always give me the I'm "too busy" to hang out with you. Yet you see on their social media them hanging out and having a good time with others. I believe in the saying that no one is ever too busy. If they really care about you they will make time. I know I did all the time for them when they needed a friend. 

[schlumpy]

You can't stand still when making friends. We are not small town rural America any longer. We are not factory workers doing the same job for 40 years or until we retire. Families are spread out across the country. Friends drift in and out of your life. Today many people are friends over the internet without any face-to-face interaction. If you have a set of friends that you attempt to hang onto your entire life you are going to be disappointed.

Be open to making new friendships and don't chase after the old. People change over the years and what we thought we have in common is no longer true although you can try and pretend it is. 

[LuckyM]

I have heard the I am too busy excuse hundreds of times.  And I am sick of it. NO ONE is that busy, not the President,

Prime Minister or Pope is that busy. But this is the oldest excuse out there, instead of saying the truth. Don't feel like seeing you, too inconvenient, and plain apathy. I suggest stop asking or hinting to do anything with them, not a mention. Leave it up to them. If you still want to remain friends (phone, email, etc) okay but expect nothing else. I see an old friend only 1 or 2 times a year, last year zero (my choice.) but we chat on phone.  --you could try sarcasm too. "are you too busy to eat or sleep?"

[FMW]

I agree with the others, we all make time for what is important to us.  And friendships do change over the years.  Earlier in my adult life I moved around a lot and lost contact with friends, but I've continued making new ones along the way.  Currently, I've lived in the same City almost 20 years, but most of my closer friends now have been made in the past 4 years since my divorce.  The change in my life circumstances from being married to divorced resulted in having less in common with old friends, so my closest friends now are those who share similar life situations.  I still am in contact with the old friends, but just spend less time with them.  

[Syd8]

10 hours ago, LuckyM said:

I have heard the I am too busy excuse hundreds of times.  And I am sick of it. NO ONE is that busy, not the President,

Prime Minister or Pope is that busy. But this is the oldest excuse out there, instead of saying the truth. Don't feel like seeing you, too inconvenient, and plain apathy. I suggest stop asking or hinting to do anything with them, not a mention. Leave it up to them. If you still want to remain friends (phone, email, etc) okay but expect nothing else. I see an old friend only 1 or 2 times a year, last year zero (my choice.) but we chat on phone.  --you could try sarcasm too. "are you too busy to eat or sleep?"

Yeah. I also got sick and tired of being the one who always made the plans, always called or text. I finally said hell with it. I'm the easiest person to get a hold of. If they really cared they would. When my girlfriend died in April I got the usual platitudes from my so-called friends. I got we're sorry for your loss and if you ever need us we are here for you. There came a time when I did need them because I was grieving and once again I got the "too busy" excuse. 

Edited January 11, 2020 by Syd8

[Timshel]

I'm very sorry for your loss Syd8.  I also came to ls when I was struggling with loss of friendships after my husband died.  It's a 'thing' a phenomenon and though not every person suffering a loss goes through it/it is unfortunately too common.  If you google loss of friends after a death you will find pages and pages of people experiencing similar confusion and pain.

Take care of yourself, guard your strength and well being.  It's very difficult to process letting go of a loved one and simultaneously grapple with isolation/feeling abandoned by the people we would turn to for support.  I can tell you that in time, it gets better.

It's not you, you aren't alone. 

[alphamale]

even brain surgeons get time off

[Angelflower]

I have the same problem. I can't even get my family to give me any time. I am the one that always has to do the reaching out and making of plans if I want to see anyone who I think is a friend. I actually gave that all up a few years ago. I just got tried of it. I am the type of person that will drive 8 hours to spend with someone but I can only name one other person that ever drove out of their way JUST TO SEE ME. lol... he will always be special to me if for that reason alone!@ lol... What is this world coming too... But seriously... I don't understand why people can't make more of an effort to do face to face. Everyone is caught up in their own life's or buried in their phones. It's so sad... because I am so lonely and depressed because of it.

[Syd8]

46 minutes ago, Timshel said:

I'm very sorry for your loss Syd8.  I also came to ls when I was struggling with loss of friendships after my husband died.  It's a 'thing' a phenomenon and though not every person suffering a loss goes through it/it is unfortunately too common.  If you google loss of friends after a death you will find pages and pages of people experiencing similar confusion and pain.

Take care of yourself, guard your strength and well being.  It's very difficult to process letting go of a loved one and simultaneously grapple with isolation/feeling abandoned by the people we would turn to for support.  I can tell you that in time, it gets better.

It's not you, you aren't alone. 

Thank you. I really hope it does. 

[Syd8]

18 minutes ago, Angelflower said:

I have the same problem. I can't even get my family to give me any time. I am the one that always has to do the reaching out and making of plans if I want to see anyone who I think is a friend. I actually gave that all up a few years ago. I just got tried of it. I am the type of person that will drive 8 hours to spend with someone but I can only name one other person that ever drove out of their way JUST TO SEE ME. lol... he will always be special to me if for that reason alone!@ lol... What is this world coming too... But seriously... I don't understand why people can't make more of an effort to do face to face. Everyone is caught up in their own life's or buried in their phones. It's so sad... because I am so lonely and depressed because of it.

Same here. Thank you for posting. You hit it right on the head. I wish I had just one loyal friend. You'd be surprised how far a cup of coffee with someone goes. But now, nothing. It still bugs me when I see these people on social media having fun with their friends. Having all the time in the world for them. I guess I was never really their friend. Oh well. 

[Angelflower]

I get that. I also feel hurt at being excluded. I gave up social media over a year ago so I wouldn't have to see that anymore and I feel much better not having it in my face 24/7. Social media is just fake anyway. No one gets to go through life without some sort of trial and tribulations. Social media mostly highlights the ups in people's live and not the downs. It's very unbalanced. 

[primer]

Whenever I got the "I'm too busy" excuse, I figured it meant "you are not my priority". I stopped initiating get-togethers.

Sorry you are going through this.

 

 

[Syd8]

18 hours ago, primer said:

Whenever I got the "I'm too busy" excuse, I figured it meant "you are not my priority". I stopped initiating get-togethers.

Sorry you are going through this.

 

 

Thanks. Yeah, I'm done with these so-called friends of mine. They aren't worth it. 

[The Outlaw]

They're not your friends. If they were, they would make time in their 'busy' schedules for you no matter what. You did right by cutting them out. But since they're too busy to be bothered, spend your time making new friends that WILL actually spend time with you. 

[Foxhall]

Yes agreeing this can be a sore one,

my initial post here was based on trying to recover a  friendship situation,

following on from that I entered a golf prediction competition last April, US Masters, and put the "friend" down as a joint entrant,

our entry came second receiving a prize of €1,500,

He was perfectly happy to take half the prize money but there was no mention of going for a beer at any stage,

I decided after that fed up of trying to please people,  it was made clear to me "if your not in the clique your just not in it"

on the positive side made a few new friends last year so heading in the right direction,

friends should be genuine and prepared to put themselves out for a person, if they are merely looking for what benefits they can get themselves, they are no friends,

[Syd8]

8 hours ago, The Outlaw said:

They're not your friends. If they were, they would make time in their 'busy' schedules for you no matter what. You did right by cutting them out. But since they're too busy to be bothered, spend your time making new friends that WILL actually spend time with you. 

Nah, I'm done with people all together. Just going to be alone because apparently I'm jot worth it to anyone. 

[The Outlaw]

4 minutes ago, Syd8 said:

Nah, I'm done with people all together. Just going to be alone because apparently I'm jot worth it to anyone. 

No. They aren't worth it. Don't give up on people because of that. 

[snowboy91]

If your old friends are "too busy" then it's time to make new ones. I understand it gets harder as you get older, but "harder" doesn't mean "impossible". 

I had a similar thing happen to me after I finished my bachelor's degree. I went on to postgrad but everyone else I knew left and built their own lives. I ended up joining a lot of clubs, getting in touch with some people who I hadn't paid as much attention to as I could have, and being really persistent in organising catch ups. It was a lot of effort, but it paid off. Some of my close friends are people I've only met in the past 3 years.

Also - people can be more selective about who their friends are as they age. This is where quality over quantity comes in - you'll have to put in much more effort to establish a friendship, but it's worth it once you get there.

[HappySenior]

While preparing for separation, I decided if I was going to learn to live without him, I would need a lot of friends around to see me through. I joined a senior's club first and started to go to church (in the denomination I grew up in).  Well, the senior's club has something going almost every weekday, and when I get through I really need to just go home and vegetate (while I clean up the mess I made getting ready, clean up after my pet, pay the bills, plan on how I'm going to pay the bills, back up my stuff, etc. ect.)

Sometimes "busy" is a need for alone time.  I tend to "socialize" when it is on the heels of some other event or outing. Our whole church was ushered into a catered dinner this afternoon right after church. If it had been held any other time, I probably would have skipped it. Sundays obviously I get church time. Saturdays are really the only day I can count on when I can stay in my pajamas all day if I want. This is funny, because I am "retired" but also exhausted... Tired from going somewhere almost every day, tired from going through the divorce, tired from dealing with weather related stuff. 

I'd love to get together with my closer friends and just talk. But if I'm to do it, it almost has to be at or close by the place where I am every day. I have one friend i owe coffee too and she's a part of that group, however when she shows up it is for one of the events and she leaves right after. We'll have to plan way ahead really...

I love the friends I have and I pray for several of them daily. It looks like I am socializing a lot on facebook, but really I am just going to a LOT of the groups events and I don't get a lot of one on one talk. My "love language" is physical affection and so I hug all my friends when I see them. 

 

[LivingWaterPlease]

50 minutes ago, HappySenior said:

My "love language" is physical affection and so I hug all my friends when I see them. 

 

I liked your entire post, Happy! The above line reminded me of when I was going through my separation and divorce how I'd look forward to church because I would always get hugs from the little old ladies, not that you're one of them, more that I knew I needed hugs to survive!

[MsJayne]

Best response for people who claim they're always so busy is to tell them you're busy too, way too busy to waste time talking to people who dribble BS about being too busy.  Then cut contact with them.  

[skywriter]

This topic of When your friends are to busy for you, reminds me of something my late mother told me when I was growing up.

She said, " You'll know a lot of people in your life, just understand that there are friends, and there is an aquaintance. She would ask me to stop calling everyone I know my friend, because I didn't know them well enough. She said to be a friend or have a friend was a priviledge. It took me experiencing a lot of disappointments to understand this.

[Artdeco]

I’m usually “too busy” when I get an invite at short notice, and it’s a genuine “too busy”. I like/need to plan ahead, and getting a text or call from someone who wants to meet “for dinner tonight”, means that I probably won’t be able to make it. 
 

People who I’m very close with, they usually know my whereabouts and schedule, and vice versa, and they are always welcome to drop in (at my house) with no notice at all. Doesn’t bother me one bit, and I know I’m welcome at their place as well if I need them. 
 

on the flip side, there are people who just don’t  make an effort, and if I make an effort (ie plans to get together), they show little to no interest. They may have in the past, otherwise I wouldn’t try now, but somehow these relationships fizzle out at some point, not sure why (that’s the problem, you don’t get an explanation in most cases), and you think to yourself “why and how was I even interested in them 3 years ago? We have nothing in common. They don’t even want me in their lives....”. So that happens, too. It’s important to not take this personally. It’s also important (to me) to have a handful of stable friends (long-term) who are there for you no matter what. If I didn’t have those, I’d be much more bothered by the ones that never seem to “have time”. 

[LuckyM]

I think these busy people can still be friends, but on their conditions only. You may have

to do what they want to do whenand where they want. I have a  very old friend like that, partly because he is married with a child.

and they have no car.

That changes the equation---assuming that the friend will not see you alone. My friend rarely sees me without his family. How close to you do these people live?

It doesn't always help matters when you hang out with loners who have plenty of time. Two lonely people does not make a happy time.

[preraph]

People create their own schedules and make decisions that they know will affect their life, so when I consistently hear "too busy," I just assume they actually mean "I made some unwise choices and got myself into this mess and now I expect everyone else to adjust their life to accommodate me."  

 

You know, if someone who you aren't in frequent contact with but who is an old friend contacts you by text or phone or email, instead of just assuming they're just idly killing time, maybe at least ask them what's on their mind in case they actually need some support.  

Edited January 19, 2020 by preraph