I don't know what to do

[Ananymous1]

Hi everyone

My girlfriend of 1.5 years broke up with me 14 days ago, she said she that the relationship wouldn't work anymore, we obviously had no major problem but she said she were bored and wanted out. She obviously was serious about it, I haven't heard of her ever since.

I think I was in a toxic relationship, she abused me and dumped me as soon as she didn't need me anymore, back to when we started dating she was a receptionist at the institute where I used to teach, she had some background of the subject I teach and she said she wanted to become a teacher, for 6 months I used to go to her home and teach her and then I found her a good job to start working as a teacher, 4 months after that she decided she no longer wanted to be in the relationship and dumped me. I had invested a lot in the relationship, I really thought this one was going somewhere but well it seems I was mistaken. 2 weeks have passed and I have been experiencing a wide range of emotions, from crying occasionally on the street to anger and aggression, and now I suppose what I am experiencing is depression. I don't feel like doing anything at all, I keep thinking about the things I did for her, how much money I spent and wasted my life on somebody who didn't even care for me.

I have already established no contact, a couple of days ago one of my friends showed me a picture, had I know it was hers, I wouldn't have looked at it, but well I didn't know, she was happy and in a mirror with 2 other male friends whom I knew, she had taken a selfie with the same iphone I had bought her as her birthday present. 

I was thinking of this that she literally abused me and threw me away as soon as she achieved her goals, now I want that iphone 11 I had bought for her back because they are very expensive in my country. and I see no reason for not getting it back, don't get me wrong, if the relationship had ended in another way, there was a problem, and we knew we couldn't fix it, I would say well nobody wanted this, it didn't work, but right now I feel bad about myself, I feel like a first class fool and I want at least this particular gift back, do you think that's a bad idea?

Edited January 8, 2020 by Ananymous1

[d0nnivain]

You are not a fool.  You were a man in love.  During the relationship you were quite generous to her.  Unfortunately, a gift is a gift & there is no mechanism to force her to her return it to you (although I do not know the laws were you are)  It's just an expensive lesson.  Sorry.   If you are still paying the bill for her cell service, do stop that immediately.  

In the short term do things to self soothe.  Eventually the acute pain will subside.  

 

 

[Ananymous1]

18 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

You are not a fool.  You were a man in love.  During the relationship you were quite generous to her.  Unfortunately, a gift is a gift & there is no mechanism to force her to her return it to you (although I do not know the laws were you are)  It's just an expensive lesson.  Sorry.   If you are still paying the bill for her cell service, do stop that immediately.  

In the short term do things to self soothe.  Eventually the acute pain will subside.  

 

 

You know d0nnivain what keeps torturing me is what she said when she wanted to break up with me, she said she had never loved me. It keeps playing in my head like a bad replay, I want to get inside, edit it out, I feel so helpless. I don't know why every time you respond to something I burst into tears like a child, still remember how much you helped me with one of my break ups almost 4 years ago.

I am not in a state to make any good decisions at the moment, and I am aware of that, that's why I want to rely on your wisdom, do you think asking a mutual friend to give it a shot is a good idea? or do you think I should learn my lessons and move on? Also, the manager of the place she is teaching at the moment is my friend, the other day I told him to treat her with respect as if nothing had happened. He told me they could dismiss her if I wanted without her knowing it, I know taking revenge after a break up is not a good idea, but this particular instance, well I really feel used. Whatever you say, I trust your wisdom, and I know won't regret it

[d0nnivain]

I'm so sorry you are still hurting.  I can't believe I had that profound of an impact on you.  I'm glad I was able to help but I am just an anonymous poster on the internet.  Do not take anything I say as gospel.  I certainly do not have a degree in counseling.  

You can ask the mutual friend to ask about getting the phone back but I doubt it will work.  It also make you look petty. 

Good job on taking the high road regarding her dismissal.  To protect yourself in case she does ever get fired for cause I would write to your friend & tell him not to make personnel decisions based on you or your failed relationship with this girl.  Under no circumstances should he fire her because she dumped you. In my country  such a termination would be wrongful & would subject you both to penalties. 

As for her statement that she didn't ever love you, that was probably said just to inflict maximum pain on you.  Take it with a grain of salt. 

[scooby-philly]

2 hours ago, Ananymous1 said:

Hi everyone

She were bored and wanted out. She obviously was serious about it, I haven't heard of her ever since.

I think I was in a toxic relationship, she abused me and dumped me as soon as she didn't need me anymore, 

 I keep thinking about the things I did for her, how much money I spent and wasted my life on somebody who didn't even care for me.

I feel like a first class fool and I want at least this particular gift back, do you think that's a bad idea?

Hey OP,

I trimmed down your original post to four key things that you shared. First off, "bored and wanted out"? If she was bored, why didn't she tell you previous to dumping you? Second, did you come into the picture and suddenly have her stop or she decided to stop doing "fun things" she was doing before she met you? Third, does she even know what "fun" means to her? In any open country (or where arranged marriages aren't the norm and you can enjoy "dating" before marriage) a relationship must be based on communication and sharing of feelings. If she dumps you without telling you something is wrong and then giving you a chance to fix it (with her putting in equal effort), then she's emotionally immature and could also possibly think her stuff "doesn't stink" as we say in the USA. And if there were no major problems then it's even more of a sign that she wasn't emotionally mature or healthy. Maybe she thought being with you would be like X but it turned out in the long haul to be Y. But that's why you need to communicate and share feelings and be open and transparent in a relationship. 

Toxic relationships are based on toxic people. She could be toxic - but she could also just be immature and emotionally unhealthy to a point. How did she abuse you? And yes, the sting of someone ending something suddenly may make you think all kinds of things - only time, other people's perspective, and a deep, deep honest examination of yourself will help you avoid creating false narratives about her and your relationship. You cannot move forward healthily if you don't process the emotions, go through the pain, and do so with honesty and acceptance of your role in the situation.

That's a tough, but important lesson to learn. You're probably a "giver" by nature. Givers need to learn that regardless if the other person is a giver, a taker, or you can't tell - you only give a little bit, the other person has to match your effort, then you can give a little bit more, they give a bit more, etc. It sounds complicated and I know from personal experience from several failed relationships it's not easy to stop giving if that's your nature. I cannot think of a good example off the top of my head - but I'm sure others can shared. You just need to check in on a regular basis to see if your partner is invested in the relationship as much as you.

And welcome to the world of love. Even if your country has laws that would permit you to recover the phone, it's not mature to ask. And your anger is subconsciously aimed at you as much as it is at her. So that's a good example for my point above. When and why did you buy her a phone? Not saying it's a bad idea per se, but if you weren't getting as much from her (in spirit, not necessarily price tag - and not necessarily with gifts, but other ways) then you don't buy expensive things. That's why it's so important to really get to know someone, to also get to know their family and friends, etc - you can only start to build a complete, accurate, and well-rounded view of a person by observing them over time, in different settings, and with different people.

 

Sorry for your pain - but hopefully you've learned some stuff and will find love again.

[snowboy91]

2 hours ago, scooby-philly said:

 

Toxic relationships are based on toxic people. She could be toxic - but she could also just be immature and emotionally unhealthy to a point.

I agree with this point, but I'll add that sometimes toxic relationships are based on highly incompatible people, despite neither person being particularly toxic.

Sorry to hear you're hurting OP - always keep in mind that she was by no means the right person for you. The way it ended and what she said was horrible, but it might have been an exaggeration in an attempt to get out. Look toward the future - what's done is done, yes you might have given more than you should have in this relationship, but keep that as a lesson moving forward.