Woke up and feel like over it.

[andytuotuo]

Some back stories: met this super nice girl June of 2019 and decided it’s not what she wanted in Oct. I was emotional and begged and done the whole drama thing through out oct and Nov. last time we spoke was almost 3 weeks ago and ended with ‘we can’t be friends’ from her. 
 

I have been sleepless and heart broken. A lot stuff has happened during this time regarding my jobs and moving back to my home country. I want to cry some time but i couldn’t 
 

woke up this morning, something changed. I think I have truly accepted she’s not coming back and I start to smile and be happy when I think about our memories, instead being sad and depressed. 
 

I don’t know this is a temporary thing, somehow my brain chemicals messed up or something, but I feel good! 
 

has anyone been like me just waking up one day and find themselves being okay with everything 

[JPT0918]

Hi Andy,

I'm glad you feel better about your situation. I too am experiencing what you are feeling. the person I was with was misleading and played the heartstrings of two guys. i took her on an expensive trip and she played along like we were a couple. Only to spend time in the arms of the other guy two days later. this is after she said she felt most safe with me. However, after looking into her behavior, she displays alot narcissistic characteristics and I knew she will never change.

So, when  she pulled this stunt, I've decided it's time to walk away.  For my own sanity. I will speak to her tomorrow, and she will be in for a shock, but I'm very comfortable with my decision. I look at as if this is what she truly wants, then I will move on. I know whoever she is will be no match to who I am. She will be in for a  world of regret and of course will try to salvage the relationship, but it's too late for that. My patience has worn thin.

I guess if the one thing you take from this, it's you have the keep the focus on your needs. Regain your self confidence and enjoy the power you have to walk away. I imagine both you and I will have  moments, but I'm trying to prepare myself to accept the down times and deal with them as they come by focusing on my needs and being as selfish about this situation as I can be.

It will get better, and each day will come with less struggle. All the best.

 

Edited January 9, 2020 by JPT0918

[andytuotuo]

5 hours ago, JPT0918 said:

Hi Andy,

I'm glad you feel better about your situation. I too am experiencing what you are feeling. the person I was with was misleading and played the heartstrings of two guys. i took her on an expensive trip and she played along like we were a couple. Only to spend time in the arms of the other guy two days later. this is after she said she felt most safe with me. However, after looking into her behavior, she displays alot narcissistic characteristics and I knew she will never change.

So, when  she pulled this stunt, I've decided it's time to walk away.  For my own sanity. I will speak to her tomorrow, and she will be in for a shock, but I'm very comfortable with my decision. I look at as if this is what she truly wants, then I will move on. I know whoever she is will be no match to who I am. She will be in for a  world of regret and of course will try to salvage the relationship, but it's too late for that. My patience has worn thin.

I guess if the one thing you take from this, it's you have the keep the focus on your needs. Regain your self confidence and enjoy the power you have to walk away. I imagine both you and I will have  moments, but I'm trying to prepare myself to accept the down times and deal with them as they come by focusing on my needs and being as selfish about this situation as I can be.

It will get better, and each day will come with less struggle. All the best.

 

Hi there, 

thank you for the reply. 
 

i agreed with what you said: in these situations, we need to make our own needs top priority and look after ourselves intern of physical and emotional health. Being selfish is actually being kind to yourself. 
 

I do have to come clean and say that I send her a message ‘heard it’s snowing there, stay warm and take care in that’  this morning after my post. 
 

it is what my heart desired to do. I know I broke no contact and possibly degraded myself even further. But that’s what I wanna say. I also wanted to see if I still keep checking my phone to wait for her response. The truth is, I’m much more calmer than I was. I still do check my messages and hope for a reply from her, but not quite as emotional as before. I’m okay if she doesn’t reply. 
 

My biggest self realization I have made during this time is my codependency. I started to learn what it is and how it affects my life. It’s a long and twisty road to deal with it, I’m not looking forward to it. But at I least I know it now

[andytuotuo]

It hit my like a wrecking ball today.

 

The reply and looking back mistakes I have made. All the pressure I have put on her because of my impulsive and immature decisions. I should have talked to her before making decisions, instead being selfish and childish. I should have just throwed my phone away right after I came back, avoid all the unnecessary fights. I should have been more rational and taken a step back in all those heated moments.

 

Now I am back in my home country. All I feel is this strong sense of lost. I don’t have a job and don’t even know what I want to do, where I want to go. I couldn’t even savage a friendship from it all and couldn’t even talk to her. I came back to my ‘home’ and don’t even have a room to stay. Home is not my home no more.

 

[andytuotuo]

So I reached out asking her if we could be friends. I approached it as 2 human have respect to be friends. 
 

However she said too much has happened and she’s stressed out. She doesn’t see a scenario where we can be friends and ask me to respect her decision. 
 

here we go, that is it. 2 people were so close and can be so strange. I feel like I messed up. 

[Beachead]

Hey andytuotuo,

1 month in, your feelings are still fresh and so I don't think your magically better..I do think you're beginning to heal though.  The progress has started.  That's why you're going through ups and downs..it's a sign your mind is processing and doing what it should be doing.  Let it be, and let those emotions come.  The good news is, those moments of clarity will happen more and more often..it'll just take time to get there.  Don't rush it.  Be patient.

I been through 3 breakups.  All were miserable.  The first few months, a lot of what you'll feel is very involuntary, as it has more to do with your brain chemically being wired to be with your ex.  The problem is, since that life is no longer present, that wiring no longer applies, so you feel a void.  You don't know what to do.   That's why I say, let the feelings be.  Let yourself feel.  Let the pain in.    You probably won't be able to sleep for awhile and you probably won't have much of an appetite or a desire for anything..but all those feelings are normal.  Just do your best to take care of yourself.  Force yourself to eat, take showers.  Exercise.  Talk to one trusted person about your pain.  Give yourself some free time to think.  You need that breathing room.   

Lastly, and I can't stress this enough...write.  Dump your thoughts and feelings into a journal without worry or restriction.  Just let it out.  Your own private place where you are free from judgement.  At the end of that passage, be sure to write 2 things you are grateful for in your life.  Another thing you can do is write out all the negatives about her an the relationship.  The moments that upset you, the behaviours she had that upset you, and why this whole thing was never going to work out.  You have to reinforce those thoughts into your mind because your mind is going to want to paint her on a pedestal.   And later on,  when you start to find your strength on a more regular basis, you can use these journals to figure out what you want out of your life and what you hope to achieve.  How will you go about it?  Set goals to get there and make them specific. 

Stay strong

-Beach

 

[2BGoodAgain]

it comes and goes... it's like the flu... sometimes you feel better and sometimes you feel the fever coming back.

keep yourself busy, work out at the gym, check out diff girls, don't go chasing after new ones... it'll all be rebound.... 

and hopefully, by the time you shape up and look better than ever before, you'll truly be ready to move on.

btw... when it comes to girls or guys, for that matter... begging only works if she/he still likes you. if they like you, most things are considered romantic/etc... but when they don't, anything you do is creepy/aggressive/stalkerish.

good luck!

[andytuotuo]

I am writing this, as that heartache pushing down on my chest and not be able to breath. I really don't know how to coop anymore.

I reach out to her asking if there is chance to be friends. she said talking to me and everything I do stresses her out. She has made the decision and asked me to respect it.

Some time I think how did I let it be here? I can't stop thinking the conversation, happy times we had together. It hurts so much to think two people who were so close and now can't even be friends. 

It didn't hit me until a few days later: today. I know the mature response is to let her go and move on with my life. It is just really hurts.

I am not going to bother her again. but I do wonder, maybe some time down the road, things could change. I don't know how to kill my hope.

I am not hoping for romantic relationship anymore, but I do not want to lose her completely. I just can't

[Foxhall]

Yes buddy its not easy is it, if you are into someone and they reject you or end it suddenly,

can be painful particularly if you are a bit alone otherwise, if you have a support of good friends makes it easier,

others can better advise you how to get over it Id imagine,

on the friends thing, yes she probably will let you be her friend in the future ,

for the time being though its just moving on im afraid.

[schlumpy]

Wouldn't it be nice to just go to the doctor and get an anti-love shot? All of those feelings fade away. Your rational mind once again in control. So much for modern science.

There is a program you can follow that might help you at the Chump Lady's website. It's called the 180. It's written more for those from failed marriages but it can help break-ups also.

As soon as you can, you have to dump her memorabilia. I suggest burning it because its symbolic. Anything she gave as a present has to go. Anything visible in your home that will direct your thoughts towards her throw away, put out of sight, or cover up.

Change the environment of your home by moving the furniture around in an attempt to give you a different perspective. Any place that you and she went on dates is now off limits. When you are out driving do not go through her part of town.

Make sure you exercise three times a week and immerse yourself in routine. Now is a good time to work overtime and put away some cash.

Get rid of her on all social media as well as phone numbers. Go completely dark. Pretend you are now an undercover operative. If you can make yourself, go out with groups of people and do group activities.

If you suffer too much anxiety there are drugs you can take to ease that but don't remain on them. They are only a tool to use.

If you want to proclaim your endless and undying love for your ex please post away. We've all been there at one time or another.

Good luck.

 

[Beachead]

4 hours ago, andytuotuo said:

I am writing this, as that heartache pushing down on my chest and not be able to breath. I really don't know how to coop anymore.

I reach out to her asking if there is chance to be friends. she said talking to me and everything I do stresses her out. She has made the decision and asked me to respect it.

Some time I think how did I let it be here? I can't stop thinking the conversation, happy times we had together. It hurts so much to think two people who were so close and now can't even be friends. 

It didn't hit me until a few days later: today. I know the mature response is to let her go and move on with my life. It is just really hurts.

I am not going to bother her again. but I do wonder, maybe some time down the road, things could change. I don't know how to kill my hope.

I am not hoping for romantic relationship anymore, but I do not want to lose her completely. I just can't

No. 

Be real with yourself.  With hope comes involuntary ulterior motives.  Deep down, you are hoping for romantic relationship. You just have no choice but to accept what she wants because how are you going to have relationship without the other?  I takes two to tango right?  So now, the next step is to not lose her, stay in contact with her under the pretence of "friendship" which will be a lie to yourself and her, and while trying to be "friends" with her, try to win her back.  That's what it really is.  The whole mentality is coming from a place of weakness.  You "need" her.  You really don't but you feel like you do.  She's going to pick up off of that vibe because she knows you want her.  She knows she doesn't want you.  She's going to always have to watch what she says and does around for fear of leading you on.  She won't be able to be herself with you and staying in contact won't be what you hoped it to be.  She will be a fraction of who she used to be.

Think of yourself as an addict right now and she is your drug.  You're forced into quitting.  You are going through withdrawal.  The symptoms are so unpleasant, your mind is trying to convince you someway, somehow..to get back to it, using whatever reasonable excuse it can come up with.

But this is what it comes down to..in choosing to end it with you, this girl has chosen to embrace the possibility of being with someone new.  That's what it comes down to.  She's gone, whether you like it or not and you don't have a choice in it.  She chose this and she knew what she was doing when she decided it.  If you show that you can't accept the decision and slum around her when she doesn't want to be around you, she won't respect you for it.

Right now, your heart and mind are wounded.  Your primary goal is to heal your mind and relearn how to live life and find your smile without her influence.  To do that, you have to pull no punches, and assume everything with her over.  Why?  Because you have to look after yourself now.  You have to care for yourself..to heal.  She's not going to do it for you.  She's already moved on and focusing on her.   I mentioned in my above post to write and focus that writing onto in directions that you need to help you heal.  I hope you read it because I've used those techniques to help me heal and they've worked everytime.  In addition, I also strongly advise you to block her off of social media.  Whatever she posts on there will only hurt you; pictures with her friends, that new guy and the comments her friends will be making about him on there etc.  Keeping her on there will prolong an already difficult process.  Bag all her gifts and things, delete her number Write the number out on a sheet of paper and keep it someplace where you can't see it if its too hard to get rid of it altogether) and put it all out of sight.   Transfer your photos of her out of your phone onto an external drive or just get rid of them.  

Unfortunately hope isn't something you can force out of you.   To kill it, you'll have to see for yourself, that your ex can go on without you and that she is perfectly fine not talking to you and living her life.  That takes time.  Over the course of that time, you might get weak and you may contact her.  You may check her social media and you'll see all kinds of updates and statuses that show you she's having a great time and its all going to hurt you..but its all needed to break your hope down.  Try real hard not to make it harder on yourself.  The process will already jammed with a lot of emotional ups and downs, cycling from numbness to sadness, to anger back to numbness and you will rinse and repeat it.  Eventually holding onto her will be exhausting and letting go will feel like a release.  By then, you will understand the disservice you are doing to your own life.

- beach

 

 

[2BGoodAgain]

this is why NC is best.

the more you care about someone, once it's over, the best option is NC... it'll help reset you.

right now, you're the equivalent to a drug addict. rationalization, doing anything to get that good feeling back, not remembering the horrible times.

NC = going cold turkey. It's hard. you go thru withdrawal symptoms... everything.

 

for me, i remember the times i dumped someone b/c they were absolutely not the right person for me... and no matter what they said, did, tried to contact me, etc... in the end, i was annoyed to hell with them, no matter how i felt about them when we were together...

that's how she feels about you. annoyance. you could die and all she'll think about it is... that's sad, but that's it. mebbe a tinge of regret. mebbe years later, wonder how you're doing, or mebbe she'll completely forget you for dozens of years...

that's what you are to her. a memory, a good one or bad, who knows... but it doesn't matter. she's moved on.... and sucks for you, you have to pick up the pieces and move on too.

it sucks being there.... but that's what you have to do. No Contact.

Good luck, dude... we've all been there, and we're only harsh with you b/c that's what it takes to get over it.

mourn the relationship, learn from it, work out like crazy at the gym(it seriously helps)... and by the time you're done... you'll not only be ready to move on, and look for someone new... you'll have the bod that may be better than before.

hang in there!

[Ruby Slippers]

When you lose, don't lose the lesson. Not every relationship is meant to go the distance. The best you can do when a relationship breaks down is reflect on your part of it and accept the lessons.

On Friday I broke up with someone I thought I was going to marry when he made it very clear he's not ready to give his heart to me, maybe not to any woman. Just this morning I reflected and made a list of the lessons I learned from this. It was really good stuff, stuff I should have learned long ago but for various reasons hadn't learned until now.

It's fine to enjoy the memories of the good times you had together. That's what life is all about. But it will probably help for now to focus on other things and make new good memories with friends and family who care about you.

I had plans with my ex to take a fun road trip this weekend, but I've already let that go. Now I have plans to have dinner and go to an art opening with a fabulous new lady friend on Friday night, and I'm excited about that. I'm formulating other fun weekend plans of my own and getting excited about those, too.

Life goes on *hug*

[andytuotuo]

11 hours ago, Beachead said:

No. 

Be real with yourself.  With hope comes involuntary ulterior motives.  Deep down, you are hoping for romantic relationship. You just have no choice but to accept what she wants because how are you going to have relationship without the other?  I takes two to tango right?  So now, the next step is to not lose her, stay in contact with her under the pretence of "friendship" which will be a lie to yourself and her, and while trying to be "friends" with her, try to win her back.  That's what it really is.  The whole mentality is coming from a place of weakness.  You "need" her.  You really don't but you feel like you do.  She's going to pick up off of that vibe because she knows you want her.  She knows she doesn't want you.  She's going to always have to watch what she says and does around for fear of leading you on.  She won't be able to be herself with you and staying in contact won't be what you hoped it to be.  She will be a fraction of who she used to be.

Think of yourself as an addict right now and she is your drug.  You're forced into quitting.  You are going through withdrawal.  The symptoms are so unpleasant, your mind is trying to convince you someway, somehow..to get back to it, using whatever reasonable excuse it can come up with.

But this is what it comes down to..in choosing to end it with you, this girl has chosen to embrace the possibility of being with someone new.  That's what it comes down to.  She's gone, whether you like it or not and you don't have a choice in it.  She chose this and she knew what she was doing when she decided it.  If you show that you can't accept the decision and slum around her when she doesn't want to be around you, she won't respect you for it.

Right now, your heart and mind are wounded.  Your primary goal is to heal your mind and relearn how to live life and find your smile without her influence.  To do that, you have to pull no punches, and assume everything with her over.  Why?  Because you have to look after yourself now.  You have to care for yourself..to heal.  She's not going to do it for you.  She's already moved on and focusing on her.   I mentioned in my above post to write and focus that writing onto in directions that you need to help you heal.  I hope you read it because I've used those techniques to help me heal and they've worked everytime.  In addition, I also strongly advise you to block her off of social media.  Whatever she posts on there will only hurt you; pictures with her friends, that new guy and the comments her friends will be making about him on there etc.  Keeping her on there will prolong an already difficult process.  Bag all her gifts and things, delete her number Write the number out on a sheet of paper and keep it someplace where you can't see it if its too hard to get rid of it altogether) and put it all out of sight.   Transfer your photos of her out of your phone onto an external drive or just get rid of them.  

Unfortunately hope isn't something you can force out of you.   To kill it, you'll have to see for yourself, that your ex can go on without you and that she is perfectly fine not talking to you and living her life.  That takes time.  Over the course of that time, you might get weak and you may contact her.  You may check her social media and you'll see all kinds of updates and statuses that show you she's having a great time and its all going to hurt you..but its all needed to break your hope down.  Try real hard not to make it harder on yourself.  The process will already jammed with a lot of emotional ups and downs, cycling from numbness to sadness, to anger back to numbness and you will rinse and repeat it.  Eventually holding onto her will be exhausting and letting go will feel like a release.  By then, you will understand the disservice you are doing to your own life.

- beach

 

 

Hello Beach,

Really appreciate that you take your time and effort writing here.

The part of she choose to move on and embrace potentially someone new. It hurts me so much to hear that but it is the brutal truth. She is her own individual and I should respect her for her decision. I really thought I was making progress and being okay with she moving on, it turns out I am not. I don't know how long it will be until I am, I definitely am not right now.

I want to be more free and be more like my own person. I wish I have walked away with dignity and respected her right after, but I am am so weak. Part of me knew I lost her a long time ago, I thought by staying in contact it would ease the suffer and pain. for a little while it seemed so, even if the communication wasn't anywhere near it used to be. I thought friends conversation was like that. I was just doing disservice to myself, to her, to what we had. All the respect was lost in the process. I wish I could go back in time and redo it all, no I never will get the chance to.

Even at where I am right now, that hope to hold on to the memory is still there. I know she is not coming back, I know she is nothing more than a memory. My brain and I still choose to hold onto that memory because for a brief moment here and there, when I am looking through what we had, I disillusioned myself she is still here. 

Maybe one day I will be able to let it all go, maybe one day I will finally feel free. I know I will be okay one day. It just doesn't seem that way.

[andytuotuo]

9 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said:

When you lose, don't lose the lesson. Not every relationship is meant to go the distance. The best you can do when a relationship breaks down is reflect on your part of it and accept the lessons.

On Friday I broke up with someone I thought I was going to marry when he made it very clear he's not ready to give his heart to me, maybe not to any woman. Just this morning I reflected and made a list of the lessons I learned from this. It was really good stuff, stuff I should have learned long ago but for various reasons hadn't learned until now.

It's fine to enjoy the memories of the good times you had together. That's what life is all about. But it will probably help for now to focus on other things and make new good memories with friends and family who care about you.

I had plans with my ex to take a fun road trip this weekend, but I've already let that go. Now I have plans to have dinner and go to an art opening with a fabulous new lady friend on Friday night, and I'm excited about that. I'm formulating other fun weekend plans of my own and getting excited about those, too.

Life goes on *hug*

Hi Ruby,

Thanks for replying.

Yes you are right, there are lessons to be learnt, there are things I could improve on. I think one day I will be able to reflect on all of it.

All of this is for the price of losing someone you deeply cared for, what a huge price to pay.

There are stuff I want to say to her, explaining I want to do, I won't get the chance to do so. Maybe respect her decision is the best way to say I am sorry.

I am sorry for your lost as well. Life is a long journey, a lonely journey at times. When you actually meet someone, that itself is something to cherish for. You are right, life goes on. whether you like it or not.

I hope you have a good time at Lady's night Ruby and enjoy yourself. Have some more laughter!

[andytuotuo]

10 hours ago, 2BGoodAgain said:

this is why NC is best.

the more you care about someone, once it's over, the best option is NC... it'll help reset you.

right now, you're the equivalent to a drug addict. rationalization, doing anything to get that good feeling back, not remembering the horrible times.

NC = going cold turkey. It's hard. you go thru withdrawal symptoms... everything.

 

for me, i remember the times i dumped someone b/c they were absolutely not the right person for me... and no matter what they said, did, tried to contact me, etc... in the end, i was annoyed to hell with them, no matter how i felt about them when we were together...

that's how she feels about you. annoyance. you could die and all she'll think about it is... that's sad, but that's it. mebbe a tinge of regret. mebbe years later, wonder how you're doing, or mebbe she'll completely forget you for dozens of years...

that's what you are to her. a memory, a good one or bad, who knows... but it doesn't matter. she's moved on.... and sucks for you, you have to pick up the pieces and move on too.

it sucks being there.... but that's what you have to do. No Contact.

Good luck, dude... we've all been there, and we're only harsh with you b/c that's what it takes to get over it.

mourn the relationship, learn from it, work out like crazy at the gym(it seriously helps)... and by the time you're done... you'll not only be ready to move on, and look for someone new... you'll have the bod that may be better than before.

hang in there!

Hi buddy,

thanks for your reply. I know you guys are only trying to help me. It reminds me of what my mom used to say ' Good medicine is always bitter'

It is hard to think and look at the facts on the table, but it is FACTS. I know I am stressing her out, even if I didn't mea anything. It doesn't matter what I think or feel.

Yeah I will try my best to move on and hopefully one day I will be okay.

[2BGoodAgain]

10 hours ago, andytuotuo said:

Hi buddy,

thanks for your reply. I know you guys are only trying to help me. It reminds me of what my mom used to say ' Good medicine is always bitter'

It is hard to think and look at the facts on the table, but it is FACTS. I know I am stressing her out, even if I didn't mea anything. It doesn't matter what I think or feel.

Yeah I will try my best to move on and hopefully one day I will be okay.

it does matter how you feel and think.. but not to her... 

that's the worst feeling, i think.. to you, it's devastation or something close to it, and to her, it's not the same... mebbe not even close... it's whatever to her.

But yes, move on... work out, get those endorphins pumping... it'll help with the pain and loss. Mourn the relationship, or it'll keep haunting you... and move on... go out with friends, even when you don't feel it... just don't do the whole jump into another relationship thing... you'll just hurt the next person, like you've been hurt.... and you'll be even more lost.

So do the mindless thing first... go the the gym... runs.. jog.. walk... doesn't matter... and little by little, you'll be ok.

Hang in there!

[andytuotuo]

1 hour ago, 2BGoodAgain said:

it does matter how you feel and think.. but not to her... 

that's the worst feeling, i think.. to you, it's devastation or something close to it, and to her, it's not the same... mebbe not even close... it's whatever to her.

But yes, move on... work out, get those endorphins pumping... it'll help with the pain and loss. Mourn the relationship, or it'll keep haunting you... and move on... go out with friends, even when you don't feel it... just don't do the whole jump into another relationship thing... you'll just hurt the next person, like you've been hurt.... and you'll be even more lost.

So do the mindless thing first... go the the gym... runs.. jog.. walk... doesn't matter... and little by little, you'll be ok.

Hang in there!

Thank you again for reaching out. 
 

Today I really reflected on what has happened. It is hard to meet someone in this crazy world,  I was lucky I did. 
 

I was so over my head with what I wanted, Without asking her what she wants. I made all those decision by myself, forgetting two people are a partnership and should talk, communicate and make decision and plan together. I wanted too much too soon. My immaturity and selfishness pushed and scared her away. 
 

my codependency made me go head over toe and look at things way too dramatically. I lost myself in the process. I lost that self she fell in love with. That confident, secure and calm guy she fell for. Instead I let my Increasing insecurity, my immaturity got me and cloud my judgement. 
 

all the mistake, all the lesson, all is too late. I want to say all this to her but I know it will do more damage than good. I’d be all Hollywood dramatic and give her more anxiety and pressure. Instead I will write it here, try to learn from it and better myself. 
 

She is an amazing girl. She is caring, loving, strong and sexy. I truly wish the best for her. One day, one guy will be so lucky to meet her and company her. 
 

I have used all my luck to have met her and building a connection with her, even if It had to end. I will thank my luck star every night that I did. I will become a better person because of it.  

Edited January 16, 2020 by andytuotuo

[2BGoodAgain]

3 minutes ago, andytuotuo said:

Thank you again for reaching out. 
 

Today I really reflected on what has happened. It is hard to meet someone in this crazy world,  I was lucky I did. 
 

I was so over my head with what I wanted, Without asking her what she wants. I made all those decision by myself, forgetting two people are a partnership and should talk, communicate and make decision and plan together. I wanted too much too soon. My immaturity and selfishness pushed and scared her away. 
 

my codependency made me go head over toe and look at things way too dramatically. I lost myself in the process. I lost that self she fell in love with. That confident, secure and calm guy she fell for. Instead I let my Increasing insecurity, my immaturity got me and cloud my judgement. 
 

all the mistake, all the lesson, all is too late. I want to say all this to her but I know it will do more damage than good. I’d be all Hollywood dramatic and give her more anxiety and pressure. Instead I will write it here, try to learn from it and better myself. 
 

She is an amazing girl. She is caring, loving, strong and sexy. I truly wish the best for her. One day, one guy will be so lucky to meet her and company her. 
 

I have used all my luck to have met her and building a connection with her, even if It had to end. I will thank my luck star every night that I did. I will become a better person because of it.  

not to counter  your closure.... 

but ... the world is a big place... and you deserve love too... grow like you said you would, and be better... b/c there are so many women out there who are available... seeking love and companionship... i know it sounds very unromantic unhollywood to say that... but it's true...

there are many out there, and one of them, may be at the right time in her life, or right situation, or right place... and you two may connect.

anyway, enough of that future babble... go work out!!!

[Beachead]

14 hours ago, andytuotuo said:

Hello Beach,

Really appreciate that you take your time and effort writing here.

The part of she choose to move on and embrace potentially someone new. It hurts me so much to hear that but it is the brutal truth. She is her own individual and I should respect her for her decision. I really thought I was making progress and being okay with she moving on, it turns out I am not. I don't know how long it will be until I am, I definitely am not right now.

No worries friend.

I know it hurts.  It's not what you want to hear but it's what you need to hear.  You cannot allow your hope to comfort you.   You are vulnerable to deceiving yourself at this point.   Hope can be very deceptive.  It can create a narrative that feels good and you will be seduced into believing it because it's what you want.  Some people can live in that fantasy for a very long time depending on how stubborn they are.   If you've ever seen the movie, "Matrix" ..kind of like that.  The truth by comparison is unpleasant, uncomfortable, rough, dystopic.  

Truth is , when people break up with you, they took a long hard look at everything that you gave.   They laid it out in front of them on a giant table.  They evaluated the pros and the cons of whether it was what they wanted.  They decided it wasn't what they wanted.  The decision didn't happen overnight.  It was a drawn-out process over time.  A slow burn.  Maybe a few weeks, maybe a few months, maybe as long as a year or more.  It takes time because its not an easy thing to do for a person to break someone's heart and leave.  It's not an easy thing to do to admit to oneself to backtrack on one's original decision.  To admit they made a mistake and not someone else, and in your case, someone who doesn't deserve it, has to pay for it.  They run through all sorts of doubts about whether its the right call for them.  They feel guilt for hurting the person they're dumping because they don't feel good about themselves.  It's drama and they would prefer to avoid it because people want to simplify their lives.  Not complicate it.  But one thing is for sure, when they end it, they are sure its what they want at that time.  So while you, are blown to bits by the shock of it, and trying to get your bearings, trying to understand what happened.  Trying to sort it all out and mend it.   They've done all that evaluation while they were with you and are already checked out.  You are at 0% in your healing process.  They are at..lets say, 90%.  The remaining bit is about sorting out that guilt and doubt.

Some people cope with those emotions by breaking up with you and then cutting you off completely, without allowing any room to try work things out.  Some just ghost you without dumping because they don't want to deal with the repercussions (Cowards in my opinion).   Some dump over text or social media because they don't want to see your heart break in person when they do the deed.  Some try to owe you the respect they know you deserve by doing it in-person and being truthful, hoping you'll understand.

So don't think you didn't mean anything to her.  You did.  It wasn't easy and it wasn't an overnight process.  She thought it for awhile..

But at the same time, because she did think about about it for awhile, it means she knew what she was doing.   So let it be.  Take the energy you want to spend on trying to convince her to change her mind and put it back into yourself, for grieving and for nursing yourself back to health.  You need you right now and you are important.   Let your absence and the silence show her what life will be like without you.   If she doesn't contact you and months have gone by..then it should tell you everything you need to know;  this woman was not committed and did not value what you brought to the table and you are better off with someone who is.  Don't chase after people who don't make an effort to keep you in their life.  Spend time and invest in those who do and I am sure there are a few in your life.  They may not be romantic partners, but they are people who care and show love.  Being around people like that will remind you that people do care and that you do matter.

It's hard not to take it all personally.  Rejection is in many ways personal.  That was our time, energy and love we gave to a person who gave us the middle-finger and walked away.  But remember, there are many reasons for why people make the choices they make and they are largely out of your control.   Her past and the baggage of that past my influence the way she perceives her own life, the friends she chooses and the way she approaches and deals with her relationships.   In turn, all those people may influence her decisions.  It could be her age and her stage in life.  It could be stress from other things that are happening from her current situation.  You could be the best boyfriend ever..and she could have still broken up with you, because of all these other things.   

Apart from allowing yourself to feel what you need to feel, there is no other point in looking back at the way you behaved in regret, because that is who you were at that point in your life.  You couldn't have been anybody else.  You operated at your capacity and you were giving your best and you can't fault yourself for that..ever.  It would be unfair to dwell on how you could have been like this, or done that..because there is in no way, you had the capacity to be like that.   In knowing that, our shortcomings, mistakes, and failures in life are what drive us to improve and be better versions of ourself.  You can improve.  You can become better.  And that will always be true..so long as you have the desire to and put the work in to do so.  Just don't do it for her.  Change for you because you want to and because it makes sense to. 

 I challenge you to see this as opportunity to grow, and not as something of waste.

[andytuotuo]

I just wanna say. 

the last two nights, I have averaged 4 hours of sleep on and off. Waking up this morning full of sadness and unbearable heartache and wanting to talk to her. 
 

I spent a lot time watching people’s break up stories on YouTube and see people at their most Vulnerable moments and pour their heart out. I almost cried at one video <100 people tell about their breakups >and <heartbreak, one year later> monica church.

i then talked My heart out to my friends for 2 hours and I feel okay tonight. Hopefully it will be okay. 

[andytuotuo]

20 hours ago, Beachead said:

No worries friend.

I know it hurts.  It's not what you want to hear but it's what you need to hear.  You cannot allow your hope to comfort you.   You are vulnerable to deceiving yourself at this point.   Hope can be very deceptive.  It can create a narrative that feels good and you will be seduced into believing it because it's what you want.  Some people can live in that fantasy for a very long time depending on how stubborn they are.   If you've ever seen the movie, "Matrix" ..kind of like that.  The truth by comparison is unpleasant, uncomfortable, rough, dystopic.  

Truth is , when people break up with you, they took a long hard look at everything that you gave.   They laid it out in front of them on a giant table.  They evaluated the pros and the cons of whether it was what they wanted.  They decided it wasn't what they wanted.  The decision didn't happen overnight.  It was a drawn-out process over time.  A slow burn.  Maybe a few weeks, maybe a few months, maybe as long as a year or more.  It takes time because its not an easy thing to do for a person to break someone's heart and leave.  It's not an easy thing to do to admit to oneself to backtrack on one's original decision.  To admit they made a mistake and not someone else, and in your case, someone who doesn't deserve it, has to pay for it.  They run through all sorts of doubts about whether its the right call for them.  They feel guilt for hurting the person they're dumping because they don't feel good about themselves.  It's drama and they would prefer to avoid it because people want to simplify their lives.  Not complicate it.  But one thing is for sure, when they end it, they are sure its what they want at that time.  So while you, are blown to bits by the shock of it, and trying to get your bearings, trying to understand what happened.  Trying to sort it all out and mend it.   They've done all that evaluation while they were with you and are already checked out.  You are at 0% in your healing process.  They are at..lets say, 90%.  The remaining bit is about sorting out that guilt and doubt.

Some people cope with those emotions by breaking up with you and then cutting you off completely, without allowing any room to try work things out.  Some just ghost you without dumping because they don't want to deal with the repercussions (Cowards in my opinion).   Some dump over text or social media because they don't want to see your heart break in person when they do the deed.  Some try to owe you the respect they know you deserve by doing it in-person and being truthful, hoping you'll understand.

So don't think you didn't mean anything to her.  You did.  It wasn't easy and it wasn't an overnight process.  She thought it for awhile..

But at the same time, because she did think about about it for awhile, it means she knew what she was doing.   So let it be.  Take the energy you want to spend on trying to convince her to change her mind and put it back into yourself, for grieving and for nursing yourself back to health.  You need you right now and you are important.   Let your absence and the silence show her what life will be like without you.   If she doesn't contact you and months have gone by..then it should tell you everything you need to know;  this woman was not committed and did not value what you brought to the table and you are better off with someone who is.  Don't chase after people who don't make an effort to keep you in their life.  Spend time and invest in those who do and I am sure there are a few in your life.  They may not be romantic partners, but they are people who care and show love.  Being around people like that will remind you that people do care and that you do matter.

It's hard not to take it all personally.  Rejection is in many ways personal.  That was our time, energy and love we gave to a person who gave us the middle-finger and walked away.  But remember, there are many reasons for why people make the choices they make and they are largely out of your control.   Her past and the baggage of that past my influence the way she perceives her own life, the friends she chooses and the way she approaches and deals with her relationships.   In turn, all those people may influence her decisions.  It could be her age and her stage in life.  It could be stress from other things that are happening from her current situation.  You could be the best boyfriend ever..and she could have still broken up with you, because of all these other things.   

Apart from allowing yourself to feel what you need to feel, there is no other point in looking back at the way you behaved in regret, because that is who you were at that point in your life.  You couldn't have been anybody else.  You operated at your capacity and you were giving your best and you can't fault yourself for that..ever.  It would be unfair to dwell on how you could have been like this, or done that..because there is in no way, you had the capacity to be like that.   In knowing that, our shortcomings, mistakes, and failures in life are what drive us to improve and be better versions of ourself.  You can improve.  You can become better.  And that will always be true..so long as you have the desire to and put the work in to do so.  Just don't do it for her.  Change for you because you want to and because it makes sense to. 

 I challenge you to see this as opportunity to grow, and not as something of waste.

Hello Beach,

I just wanna say I really thank you from my heart, for your effort and input.

Again, tonight I spent 2 hours talking to one of my friend who has similar personality as me. She was so kind and I felt so comfortable sharing the most vulnerable side of myself, including my confidence, self esteem issue, body image issue and a lot more. when I heard her to share her depression and anxiety experiences, I feel less like someone who is losing his life.

I truly don't have any bad feelings towards her. I know she tried, she tried to let me down easy and she cared about us. one thing I remember we said was 'we are two lonely people in the world lucky to find each other.' even if towards the end there were too much pressure and she had to back away & save herself from stress. It's probably the best, for both of us.

You are right, I was who I was back then. I wished I had the realization back then, but how could I have known if things didn't go the way it went.

I hope one day I could look back and truly appreciate everything as the way it is.

[Beachead]

1 hour ago, andytuotuo said:

I hope one day I could look back and truly appreciate everything as the way it is.

You will.   

I know the sleepless nights.  The lack of appetite.  The inability to concentrate and the lack of energy and motivation to do anything.  You feel like your life is over and you just want to curl up into a ball on your bed and stay there for the rest of your life.   While that's going on, everyone's frustratingly telling you to move on but its grief and a lot of those initial physiological symptoms are involuntary.  But eventually your body grows exhausted from the stress so your mind will use the easiest tools to help you cope and get you out of bed; false hope or anger.   Why those?  Because acceptance and understanding isn't available to you yet.  So,  you numb out and those physiological issues start to subside.  The appetite starts to come back.  You're able to sleep through more nights in the week.  The strength starts to slowly return.  You find yourself smiling over something that happened during the day, that had nothing to do with her.  Little by little, you start catching more of those good moments.  Eventually you have your first good day.  It starts to become more common.  Your life slowly begins to rebuild itself.  You meet new people, you see results from your workouts.  You get a raise or a promotion, or you changed jobs and you are loving it.  Maybe you went back to school and you're loving that.  

..and while that's all going on, you check your phone, hoping or a call or a message from her because you're still riding the high of false hope, but none arrives.  You realize, this girl is completely fine not talking to you.  You feel miserable and hit a slump and maybe in your vulnerability you do what you're not supposed to do and contact her only to get no response or a dry one at that.  Maybe you unblock her on social media..only to see pictures of her all happy with her friends.  Maybe you see some new guy with his arm around her.   You feel like you hit rock bottom again and regress back to day 1 but that's not true..because you get passed it much more quickly than you did before and within 3-4 weeks, you feel okay again.  You're able to do that because time and working on yourself has afforded you more clarity and understanding and perspective about your ex and that relationship.  You use that understanding to help you heal..and when you recover from that slump, you come out far more stronger.  The false hope is not really there anymore.  Sometimes, you may hit a few of those slumps during your grief and healing process.   Over time, you find new people to care about, new things to stress about and new memories to reminisce about and all of it starts to push those miserable thoughts of her to the back of your mind. 

One day, about a year from now,  you realize you feel okay.  Maybe not 100%.  Maybe you still think about her on a regular basis..but thoughts of her just don't affect you as intensely as it used to.  You sleep fairly well again.  Songs on the radio don't make you tear up.  Places that you drove by that reminded you of her may now remind you of something new...and you find yourself surprisingly attracted to that cute barista who made your coffee yesterday morning..and you didn't think you could find yourself attracted to someone new.

That's how it happens.   

 

 

Edited January 17, 2020 by Beachead

[andytuotuo]

10 hours ago, Beachead said:

You will.   

I know the sleepless nights.  The lack of appetite.  The inability to concentrate and the lack of energy and motivation to do anything.  You feel like your life is over and you just want to curl up into a ball on your bed and stay there for the rest of your life.   While that's going on, everyone's frustratingly telling you to move on but its grief and a lot of those initial physiological symptoms are involuntary.  But eventually your body grows exhausted from the stress so your mind will use the easiest tools to help you cope and get you out of bed; false hope or anger.   Why those?  Because acceptance and understanding isn't available to you yet.  So,  you numb out and those physiological issues start to subside.  The appetite starts to come back.  You're able to sleep through more nights in the week.  The strength starts to slowly return.  You find yourself smiling over something that happened during the day, that had nothing to do with her.  Little by little, you start catching more of those good moments.  Eventually you have your first good day.  It starts to become more common.  Your life slowly begins to rebuild itself.  You meet new people, you see results from your workouts.  You get a raise or a promotion, or you changed jobs and you are loving it.  Maybe you went back to school and you're loving that.  

..and while that's all going on, you check your phone, hoping or a call or a message from her because you're still riding the high of false hope, but none arrives.  You realize, this girl is completely fine not talking to you.  You feel miserable and hit a slump and maybe in your vulnerability you do what you're not supposed to do and contact her only to get no response or a dry one at that.  Maybe you unblock her on social media..only to see pictures of her all happy with her friends.  Maybe you see some new guy with his arm around her.   You feel like you hit rock bottom again and regress back to day 1 but that's not true..because you get passed it much more quickly than you did before and within 3-4 weeks, you feel okay again.  You're able to do that because time and working on yourself has afforded you more clarity and understanding and perspective about your ex and that relationship.  You use that understanding to help you heal..and when you recover from that slump, you come out far more stronger.  The false hope is not really there anymore.  Sometimes, you may hit a few of those slumps during your grief and healing process.   Over time, you find new people to care about, new things to stress about and new memories to reminisce about and all of it starts to push those miserable thoughts of her to the back of your mind. 

One day, about a year from now,  you realize you feel okay.  Maybe not 100%.  Maybe you still think about her on a regular basis..but thoughts of her just don't affect you as intensely as it used to.  You sleep fairly well again.  Songs on the radio don't make you tear up.  Places that you drove by that reminded you of her may now remind you of something new...and you find yourself surprisingly attracted to that cute barista who made your coffee yesterday morning..and you didn't think you could find yourself attracted to someone new.

That's how it happens.   

 

 

Beach, you are so good at writing and you should be a English teacher haha.

Yes the second part has already happened to me. She told me she does not want to be friends about a month ago. then I wrote a whole speech of 'oh you don't have to worry, I am done making fool of myself.' 'I really just meant heyy how are you, you think we can swing that?'. Then no reply. 3 weeks pass no greeting for christmas and new year. I sent her a Christmas card and some gift and she said thank you. a few days later I texted her again 'stay warm in the snow' and no answer. I thought I had enough time to think. I reached out and she told me she made the decision that we can't be friends and I need to respect her decision. I feel like I am back to square one. It hit me so hard like someone hit my fact with a baseball bat. I am sad.

last night this girl on tinder messaged me. we chatted a bit for a few days. Then she started sexting me and I went along with it. I can feel the physical excitement, not the emotional one. It feels meaningless. I remember how excited I was when I was still with her. the communication and connection. I miss that. I feel so confused. I don't know If I should continue talking to this tinder girl. 

[Beachead]

@andytuotuo

Thanks man.  I teach music on the side actually haha.

But going back to you.

Quote

Yes the second part has already happened to me. She told me she does not want to be friends about a month ago. then I wrote a whole speech of 'oh you don't have to worry, I am done making fool of myself.' 'I really just meant heyy how are you, you think we can swing that?'. Then no reply....3 weeks pass no greeting for christmas and new year. I sent her a Christmas card and some gift and she said thank you. a few days later I texted her again 'stay warm in the snow' and no answer. I thought I had enough time to think. I reached out and she told me she made the decision that we can't be friends and I need to respect her decision.

Yea, because she knows you're insincere..even if you don't mean to be.  There are a lot of exes out there that lead on the person they dumped by continuing to stay in touch after the breakup under the false pretence of a friendship..and those people who were dumped, don't get passed the breakup.  Things get complicated fast and it can be several months to a few years of a mess.  Your ex, saved you that kind of bs.

She knows she broke your heart and that people don't get passed such pain so quickly.  She knows you didn't want the breakup.  She knows your attempt to stay in touch isn't about being friendly..but about still having feelings and the difficulty of letting go.  She knows you are  still operating from a place of mental weakness of "needing" her because of how fresh it all is.  She knows you still carry hope and expectation because you still have feelings.  So that puts pressure on her to have to conform to your hopes and expectations which she knows she won't be able to..and will only leave you hurt, frustrated and angry.   She doesn't want to hurt you by entertaining any of that bs.   She saw it for what it was and she held strong to her decision.    

Better now, than later.