Messed up breakup

[Aylan]

Hey guys.

Please i truly need mental help.

I have met this girl two years ago on tinder, thought she was really cute. We started talking more and more and there was a bond. I dont exactly know how nor why, but it was a huge bond.. i fell in love with her so fast, then she told me we wouldn't work out after a week. This broke my heart harder than my first love relationship break up after 2 years.

I did everything to go back to her and it worked.. but she was freshly broken up with her ex who was her brothers best friend so she used to still see him often at her place, it was disturbing, she was over him, but it made her unstable... I didn't stop fighting, never, no amtter how bad it was, how hard she was giving up, how many breaks she took. I tried to commit suicide on summer 2018, because i was just sad and i felt like she didn't care about me even dying.

I went to the hospital and she went to party the same day.. this truly broke my heart but i kept trying until i felt like it was hurting me to stay with her. I then broke up and started thinking to myself "she's not the one, i can find better." And i did search, i had relationships, i did try to be with someone, meeting new people but i didnt get this special feeling i had just when i was talking to her. I then came back to her after 3 months, then i took 1 more month to think before coming back, before i completely commit to her because i broke her heart when i left.

We ended up coming back together. Noting her parents didnt like me the first time they met me (theyre really strict and close minded) it didnt made things easy, we barely saw each other. But i wanted her, she's the love of my life, i never felt so comfortable with someone. After coming back, more efforts, more struggles as if we were on a long distance relationship.

We both wanted to hold on even if it was hard sometimes. And we did until now, it's been two years of fighting, but she was fed up of trying. I found out from a friend of mine whos close to his family that her family has no problem with me anymore but theyre not telling her because she doesn't dare to talk about it. So now i know things can be easy, but too late.

She's gone its been 3 weeks now, not coming back, she's getting more and more into her decision because "she got disgusted of this relationship because she's barely seeing me and not feeling free". I just know shes talking to another guy now, and i am feeling the worst i have ever felt in my entire life. I can't deal with this, I have been through a lot and i am not exaggerating, i always stand back up no matter the hit, but this is too much.

 

Please help me guys, im desperate. 

Edited January 9, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[andytuotuo]

Hi Aylan, 

 

I am writing to you as someone who also has an broken heart and still working through all my emotions. The emotions you are feeling right now, I feel it everyday, even as I am writing this. 'what it could have been' 'what ifs' 'I thought she was love of my life' 

 

 I am still struggining myself, but i do want to you say to you that you guys give it a good shoot at it, that's what matters the most. This is an experience you will look back when 30 years down the road when you sitting by the fire with your grandkids and golden retreiver thinking 'oh remember her, that was a wild ride but I have no regrets. we loved eac other and I learned so much from it to be where I am right now.'

 

I still want her back, but relationship shouldn't be this hard. Obviously there will be hardship in every relationship but I believe that it will just work out when you meet the right person. A person who is making the same amount of effort as you do. I like that saying 'invest in people based on how much they invest in you'

[Aylan]

5 hours ago, andytuotuo said:

Hi Aylan, 

 

I am writing to you as someone who also has an broken heart and still working through all my emotions. The emotions you are feeling right now, I feel it everyday, even as I am writing this. 'what it could have been' 'what ifs' 'I thought she was love of my life' 

 

 I am still struggining myself, but i do want to you say to you that you guys give it a good shoot at it, that's what matters the most. This is an experience you will look back when 30 years down the road when you sitting by the fire with your grandkids and golden retreiver thinking 'oh remember her, that was a wild ride but I have no regrets. we loved eac other and I learned so much from it to be where I am right now.'

 

I still want her back, but relationship shouldn't be this hard. Obviously there will be hardship in every relationship but I believe that it will just work out when you meet the right person. A person who is making the same amount of effort as you do. I like that saying 'invest in people based on how much they invest in you'

Hey Andy, thanks a lot for your reply. The thing is that i would have never made that much effort, never wouldve given so much attention if it wasn't her. She just has this special something i can't explain, but she's literally perfection to me. Im pretty picky with everything, i like to be perfectionist, and she's the only person of all my exes, all the people i met and dated, who made me feel in such way. No matter how hard she breaks me, how bad she acts, it changes literally nothing to me. I have never thought like that for any of my exes before. I am pretty experienced with relationships, i was heart broken so many times, but i can tell without exaggerating things that this is impossible to live for me.

[andytuotuo]

14 minutes ago, Aylan said:

Hey Andy, thanks a lot for your reply. The thing is that i would have never made that much effort, never wouldve given so much attention if it wasn't her. She just has this special something i can't explain, but she's literally perfection to me. Im pretty picky with everything, i like to be perfectionist, and she's the only person of all my exes, all the people i met and dated, who made me feel in such way. No matter how hard she breaks me, how bad she acts, it changes literally nothing to me. I have never thought like that for any of my exes before. I am pretty experienced with relationships, i was heart broken so many times, but i can tell without exaggerating things that this is impossible to live for me.

I think this is also the reason you’re so Hang up on her. You feel like you invested so much of your time and energy into this relationship and it might all for nothing. In fact it’s not true. You guys created so many good memories together, maybe some arguments, some fight, some emotions good or bad. This means you lived! You have lived your life to its full with all its up and downs. 
 

I feel like she’s the perfect one for you. Oh believe me, I still believe that about this girl too. She’s genuinely lovely, kind and smart person I have been lucky to meet. I feel the same way as you do. She’s no longer mine, it really hurts. However this doesn’t change the fact she’s still the same person you fell in love with. As a friend, as a stranger, as someone you used to know. You can be happy you met her and the world can use one more nice person like her, correct?
 

I haven’t really had a lot dating experience and it still hurts me to know that she is no longer mine, but I know what we are feeling isn’t true. There isn’t a sole person who’s capable to be the one. I felt the same thing with my first girlfriend. I thought I would never found someone like her. Then I met this girl. Now I feel like I will never find someone like her. But deep down we all know someone will come long and she will be the one for you.  

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm sorry you're in so much pain, OP. 

That said, she is not responsible for your mental health. I do hope you sought professional help after your suicide attempt; you deserve to live a happier and more fulfilling life, regardless of which woman may or may not be by your side. 

I am concerned that you have this tunnel vision about her. It's not unusual to put an ex on a pedestal, but the fact that you say she could do anything and you would still want to be with her is unhealthy and suggests fixation rather than love. You do need to have boundaries somewhere, your own sense of what is constructive and healthy in a relationship and what would be a deal-breaker for you. Without that, you lose your sense of self and depend entirely on someone else to make you happy. A decent relationship cannot thrive like that, and as you can see, it doesn't save a relationship from falling apart. 

Do you have family and friends you can rely on during this difficult time?

[d0nnivain]

You have issues.  I say that as somebody who has issues.  

Whatever your issues are she did not cause them & she is not responsible for them.   She is also not perfect & your relationship has been dysfunctional since the beginning. WTF were thinking taking back a woman who went to a party the day you tried to kill yourself?  WTF was she thinking staying with such a mentally unbalanced individual who tried to blackmail her into the relationship by taking the extreme attention seeking action of attempting suicide. 

Before you think I'm a heartless _____ , I have been suicidal in the past.  I've been under treatment for depression & anxiety for over 30 years.  My EX was bi-polar & he did take his own life but he also acted out & threatened suicide. His instability was one of the reasons I ended things with him.  The 1st instance I required him to get help & go on mood stabilizers as a condition of staying together.  That helped for a while.  He actually killed himself 2 years after we broke up because he was off his meds.  I really do understand both sides of this.  

Go back to the mental health professionals who treated you after your suicide attempt.  Explain that your GF broke up with you & work on getting through that grief & building some self esteem.  You need to learn to like yourself & recognize your value in the world.  When you do that, nobody, not even some girl who has "something special" will be able to throw you so far off kilter that you feel like killing yourself. 

Suicide is a permanent solution to the temporary problem of heartbreak. 

Hang in there.  

[Piddy]

I'll just add this.  Most people who willingly give their heart to someone, will likely go thru what you're going thru.  Very few people meet the love of their life on the first try.  However, in a 'good' relationship you don't fight for 2 years.  This wasn't a good relationship.  That relationship sounded toxic. 

Get yourself the help you need to deal with this and then find someone more compatible.  And let this be a learning experience for you. And remember if you're fighting a lot in a relationship that is a sign that you are not compatible.  Compatibility is the secret sauce of any long term relationship.

[Aylan]

Hey guys,

I truly appreciate your comments, it helps in a way. Just to correct you, i didn't attempt to suicide for her, i was not good at that moment of my life with everything surrounding me, and i did it because it was the only time i felt "in security". 

I am not suicidal, i dont have those yhoughts anymore, but i am seriously dying from pain. I stayed in bed all day today because i couldnt move, i got up to feed my dog but nothing more, walking is actually painful. 

The problems we had were because of her parents not accepting us together, this caused all the problems and tension. We both know we just need to be together, it just stayed like thst for too long and it got her fed up of it all even though it could work now. It's just the vibes we had through out those 2 years that arent easy to deal with. They weren't problems because of both our personalities, it was more because of the tension of their parents. 

I am a self confident person. (A bit of background) i left school at 14 years old goving my family a plan of what im gonna do. I started working as a dj music producer graphic designer and video editor. I started my own event organization on my own at 16 years old, creating everything from the venue decoration to flyer to the music line up etc.. i am a pretty strong and confident person. I do love myself. I am proud of everything i have done until now. I'm only like that with her, not because i dont have self esteem. 

About the party, she was disturbed.. i am not defending her at all, she was just so disturbed of the situation and its fine. But at the moment it was so hard for me to stand it. The next day and everyday she tried to come to see me BUT, her parents didn't let her.

I don't know how to let it pass.

[d0nnivain]

Glad you are mentally healthy now.  The pain you are feelings hurts but it is "normal" break up pain.   You can wallow a bit.  Stay in bed 'til Monday & call in sick if you must but by Monday get yourself together enough to go to work at least.  Eat something.  Shower.  Do take care of your dog.  

Then you can work on healing.  NC is a must.  Start by gathering all the mementos -- the photos, the stuff etc.  Box it all up.  Save the picture off social media to a thumb drive.  It all goes in the box.  If you can't bring yourself to throw it all out, at least tape the box up. . . . I mean really tape it, round & round with thick duct tape so it's a real p.i.t.a. to reopen.  Now stash in in the attic or a deep closet in the back on a high shelf.  

When you are done with that, rearrange your living space.  Just move stuff around.  Get new sheets.  Move the furniture.  Deep clean while you are at it.  Re hang the art.  Just make it different so you don't have a mental picture of her there.  

Through it all keep busy.  Join a gym.  Get a new hobby.  Work OT.  Get a side hustle.  Just move so you are not wallowing.  

[Rick13]

Hi Aylan,

I'm sorry you've gone through such a rough time.  I just wanted to add in an experience I had with an old gf that may be of some help.  

I'd come into the relationship from a fairly unstable place and within a few weeks I found myself being quite attached to her and as time progressed I put more and more into her thinking this was it for life.  As the hormones wore off after about 6 months, I was still pushing hard wanting more, while she was beginning to back away wanting less.  I had an image of her that wasn't actually what she was.  It was real to me at the time but because I'd been so low I'd put her on a pedestal and didn't notice any flaws with her.  I began to see her as the solution to all my problems and I was so happy to be around her because of how low I usually felt.  

It took a long time to get over her but I know it wasn't real because after she broke up with me I began to work on myself more than I'd ever done before.  I was determined to be the strongest I'd ever been and I was willing to do anything to achieve it.  At first I did it because I had become so weak in the relationship and in order to get her back I had to be more and I had to let her see it.  What actually ended up happening was I felt so good about myself that after a few months I felt like I didn't need her to verify me as a person because I'd learned to love myself and build my own self-esteem.  I learned more from that experience than I have in anything in my life and I wouldn't change it.  You may feel horrible right now but believe me it'll get better.  

Things that worked for me: exercise (lots of it!), meditation (a calm mind is essential), a good diet, inspirational reading or video watching, and above all else a goal in life that would get me ahead of where I was (I began to study again).