Age gaps and how people view them.

[Sussan2020]

In this age of enlightened people where all types of relationships are accepted you would think I could just accept where I’ve found myself, enjoy what I have and be happy.  Alas, the brain tries to overrule the heart and all sorts of bad scenarios present themselves.

I’m a 41 year old long divorced happily single woman.  I volunteer at an organization and I met a young man there a few years ago and we became quite close platonically. He is wise for his age and it was his intellect that drew me to him.  It didn’t hurt that he is very easy in the eye. 

Over the last three years we moved from friends, to very casual friends with benefits to semi-frequent to very frequent friends with benefits.  I never considered anything more because of the age difference and told him not to expect any commitment.  That said I have not seen anyone else in that time and I’ve just found out neither has he. 

He invited me to a party a little while back and after initially refusing I did end up going. Up to this point it had all been very secretive.  He made me feel like a princess, I wasn’t just some date, I was his date and he let everyone know.  In fact he introduced me as his girlfriend (he later apologized for not asking if that was ok first).  He really put me on a pedestal and seemed proud that I was with him.

So let’s skip forward to now.  We have sat down and had a long deep and meaningful chat about this whole ‘girlfriend’ thing.  He wasn’t joking, he wants this. We spoke about everything that one would expect, age difference, kids etc.  He understands all the negatives but pointed out all the positives.  He really made me feel like he wanted me, for me, not some conquest, just me for who I am.  I so wanted to say yes but that logical brain of mine kept getting in the way.  I asked for some time to think.  That is why I’m here.

I want this, he wants this, there is a 17 year age difference.  As open as society is these days that is a big gap.  I don’t want our world to be judged by an age gap rather than who we are and what we mean to each other.  I don’t want his opportunities limited when potential employers find out his girlfriend is old enough to be his mom.  Even family and friends worry me.  I doubt any will outwardly loathe us if and when we told, but inwardly it may well cause irreversible damage. 

I’m worried if I do what I want, and I want this, it could end up being a negative for him.  My brain tells me be cruel to be kind, keep it as FWB and encourage him to go and find his soulmate.  My heart tells me we are soulmates and the thought of building a future with him and all that that encompasses is exciting.

If anyone has any thoughts or some literature on this subject I would be forever grateful. 

[mark clemson]

Your choices are exactly that - your choices. It is true there might be some forms of (hopefully minor) blowback from judgy people. I'm not going to suggest a decision for you, but - do you want to spend your life tiptoeing around other people's opinions? We all do to some extent or there'd be people walking around in underwear, etc. But do you want that to be a deciding factor in this choice?

[mark clemson]

Here are a couple of recent posts that are relevant...

 

 

 

 

[gaius]

My wife and I have a slightly smaller gap than you two do, and we met a decade further on in our lives (I was 31) but despite having a period where she was convinced it wouldn't work out because I was younger, we ended up transitioning over the years from one date to two dates, then three, then regular dates, engagement and marriage. She has brought more to my life than I thought was possible with anyone and my time with her has been the most satisfying and right of my existence. I wouldn't trade her for anything. We'll have been together 5 years in June.

That being said, every time you go into a relationship with someone, no matter that age, it's always a risk. Everything seems right with you guys so far but you haven't explored the public aspect of it yet. I think you're skipping ahead just a little bit, thinking about building a whole life together. Since you both want to take it to the next level you need to start going out on dates. See how people react. There is no visual difference between my wife and I age wise when we go out so nobody ever noticed, let alone cares. That's not always the case though. Family also hasn't been an issue with us but that's not always the case either.

Like with any other relationship, see what happens and decide if it still feels right for both of you. Explore. If you keep this guy at arms length and demand he go find someone else, eventually he probably will. If you decide to take the next step, maybe it won't work out, but maybe it will. At least you'll have a chance for success. If you feel what you have with this guy is worth the risk.

[Cookiesandough]

People are going to judge. It’s unconventional, so some people will feel weird about it. My ex was much older and people did look at us sideways sometimes. My ex before him would make snide remarks about his age, but he was jealous and hurt. Most of my friends were surprised but tried to be polite about it, which meant avoiding talking about him or really interacting with him much. 😐 Some people told him I was out of his league and it was just a fling for me etc. 

But long as he makes you happy and you make him happy, who cares. I admit when I see big gaps my mind goes to stereotypes etc, but I quickly squash that because it’s not necessarily true and I love seeing couples who are in love. ❤️ 

Edited January 9, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[Pleasant-Sage]

I see your dilemma and agree that you are rightfully justified in being torn. It is definitely a difficult choice to make...not to mention a risky one. I wouldn't worry about society at all but I have a completely different concern for you.

I'm now 33 and a completely different man than I was at 24. Life in general has a way of shaping you as you go through the different stages of life. Assuming y'all become great companions and take great care of each other...you can have a hand in influencing those changes that he will go through as well.

There is the risk of his goals changing tho. For example, if he doesn't want kids now. He might change his mind but then again...he might not. You just don't know and won't ever know unless you spin the wheel and take the chance.

Don't forget that you are going to change as a person too.

As with any new relationship, there's ALWAYS the risk of getting hurt. You could date someone your own age and get screwed over quite easy.

If both of you are really that into each other. I'd give it a whirl. If that soulmate connection hits you both. Wonderful! If not, be happy with the fun you had and move on to the next big adventure.

Life is too short to live miserable.

[Happy Lemming]

Just my opinion, here... This young man is only 24, he needs to explore the world and his options... sow some wild oats. He doesn't need a "girlfriend" that is 17 years his senior. 

Yes... having him as an FWB was fun, but now its time for him to spread his wings and fly. Date someone in his generation.

Release him to experience the world.

[ChatroomHero]

With age gaps and serious dating, I don't care about what people would think and nobody is going to not get a job because a future employer somehow knows or cares how old someone's SO is. Those things are kind of silly to worry about. If you were to get married, after a little while, literally nobody will think about it much or care.

What bothers me is I feel like a woman younger like that will go through stages of life I am already passed. Some of those I don't want to go through again. It wouldn't be fair to keep her from experiencing things she wants because I am 'over' the bar scene, or I am tired of group parties, or I don;t want to have to go through the stress (via her experiences) of establishing a career again...I am already established, but you go through the same stress when a SO is going through job troubles or difficulties early in their career. I think people change a lot from their 20s-30s, then 30s-40s. if you are not growing and changing at the same pace, you'll be the same basic person but your SO will have probably changed quite a bit a couple of times along the way and maybe you won't be compatible anymore.

If being at different stages and knowing someone's ideals, outlook and wants in life will probably adjust greatly over the years compared to you not changing a lot doesn't bother you,  then the other things are cosmetic issues that will go away. Nobody else will care about someone else's relationship age gap after a while if much at all. I think the thing is being older, you know what major kind of shifts in thinking or outlook on things occur quietly over time after your 20s and you also know someone that much younger doesn't realize what will happen and is not capable of predicting if he or she will feel the same in 10 years or not.

I also would be afraid the relationship would default to me being the "dad" all the time passing on wisdom and knowledge that comes with age, up until she one day was tired of being on that end and felt lectured by me. I think that would be a natural problem, going through things in life that you know are mistakes or are different in reality than what you thought when you were younger and trying to get that across to someone younger that might have a naive mindset towards those things, without making the other person feel dumb.

 

[Timshel]

My husband is younger than me, so I am certainly open minded.  However, twenty-four is quite young.  My husband and I haven't experienced any negativity from people in our lives but I think we would have if he had been in his twenties when we started dating.

When I think of being out and about if I have ever noticed an age gap (woman older) couple, I can't recall seeing any.  Then it occurs to me that I probably have and did not notice, it wasn't obvious, so how could I know.  As superficial as that sounds, it may be a huge factor in the success of not only age gap, but many relationships.  Few people want to be a walking side show; and age gap is one of the last socially acceptable isms.  That said the couples who are in media who strike me as visually odd are in fact of similar age....Kneau Reeves and Alexandra Grant...George and Barbara Bush, for example. 

Do you think that you could dial back the soul mate, kids and building a future together conversations, for now, and just continue to enjoy each other's company?  Of course there are individual exceptions but in general, twenty four year olds can't speak with reliable certainty about where they will be or what they will want in ten years.  Even if the two of you were both twenty four, I would suggest taking things slowly.

Good luck

 

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

I think dating is fine, but if you two decide to live together at some point, that will be where the age gap will become the biggest problem.

[Madlyinluv]

Dnt fall for this.. I know for now it will seem all exciting.. but when you name it.. like literally be his gf or something.. he will loose interest in you eventually.. coz rn you guys dnt spend too much time together so the face is still fresh but when you officially be his gf he ll be bored of you.. 17 years gap look all good in movies and stuff. Forgot acceptance by people.. he himself won’t accept it 2 years later. He will leave you broken . 

[major_merrick]

People are gonna stare and judge, so get used to it if this is what you want.  I'm in my early 30's, but I look old for my age.  My GF#1 is t a bit younger, but she literally looks like she's 15-16.  She engages in a fair amount of PDA, and it draws attention.  Even holding hands or just being close draws attention because people assume I'm hooking up with a teenager instead of an early 30's woman. 

[LivingWaterPlease]

I was married to a man who was two months younger than I was yet people sometimes thought he was my dad. So I wouldn't care what the public or even friends thought about it.

What would bother me is what my children thought about it. I look a lot younger than I am and one of my children has asked me not to date anyone close to their ages, which I have respected. I've also drawn a line at dating anyone more than ten years younger than I. So far I prefer men my age.

But, you haven't mentioned if you have children or not. And, if so, how they feel about it. That'd be a major concern for me since I want my children to be comfortable with whomever I date.

I did want to also mention that my mom's second husband's first marriage was to a woman thirteen years his senior. He was always crazy about her until her death. Later he married my mom, who was younger than he was.

Edited January 13, 2020 by LivingWaterPlease
Added a paragraph.

[GingerGal]

First off forget the rest of society for a minute. What's his maturity level. If he's immature and/or low in life experience after the initial ego-boost you're more likely gonna find yourself fed up with the experience faster than society making a big wth is going on here escapade. 

I'm the reverse here.

I'm in my 30s, am often mistaken for being in my 20s physically & only had interest in older men - 15+ age gap. This isn't because of financial reasons or "daddy issues". But because having lived in multiple countries & areas, having been responsible since I was 8 (my first "job" was feeding chickens), etc. I find the average man closer to my age more interested in boozing, clubbing and being far from responsible unless he came from a structured background (e.g. cadets) or had parents that didn't mollycoddle/pamper him. Such 30ish year olds are more like kids than men compared to the older chaps. But then as a colleague once put it I'm mature beyond my age (she thought I was 40s via just passing phone/email conversations till we met face-to-face).