We only dated for 3 months, I hurt him, he broke up with me. Now I cant stop thinking about him.

[abi1234]

I (F29) was done with men and dating, i've been heartbroken many times and although i know i have my flaws, but i know I have a lot to give.

 

After being single for a while, a colleague of mine from another department, started hitting on me. He was not really my type, but i always heard he is a gentleman, someone that can be trusted and is ultimately a good guy. 

We started going out at the beginning of October and i surprisingly started liking him, i felt secure and safe. He apologizes when he makes a mistake, he is consistent in his communication, he listens to me, he makes me laugh.He was really into me as well, telling all his family ( including parents), friends about me, he was so excited about us. 

I started really falling for him when he insisted we spent the new years eve together with some of his friends in a chalet in the mountains for 3 days. I immediately felt insecure because i an introvert and he would know some stuff about me i am not ready to show. 

We went to the mountains and whilst we were having fun, it bugged me that he didnt shower for two days, so i made a mistake and jokingly told him " have a shower you stinky head". I have to add here that we never kissed, we just hugged or kissed on the cheek, he is kind of conservative and he doesnt do anything physical in the first stages, i liked that, it meant that he really enjoys my company.

But in the mountains, we were sitting so close all the time, and i discovered that he is not that hygienic, other colleagues also told me that he smells sometimes, although this is something fixable for me if we communicated about it, he didn't take my joke so well. He pretended he was having fun until we went back home, where he stopped talking to me until next day when I asked him i need to know what is going on.

He called me and told me he didnt expect the getaway would be like that, that he was so excited to spend it with me but i embarrassed him in front of his friends when i said this joke. I also slipped on the ice when we were on the snow, i didnt let him help me because i was embarassed how i fell in front of a lot of people ( he said he didnt like that i did that).

I started crying and told him that i am introvert and i dont know how to deal with such situations, that I'm sorry if i said this word(s***head) but it was for his sake because he indeed isnt hygienic and should take care of himself. 

He didn't want to work on it, said he already had a bad breakup 1 year ago and doesn't want to give another chances, All of our mutual friends, tried to talk to him, that he is doing a mistake losing me and we were compatible and into each other. He just said it's over and what happened in the mountains made him change his mind about me.

 

6 days later i am still dwelling on it, i know i should let it go, but i thought he is a decent man that i can trust and communicate with. He just shut me down, i still see him at work from time to time, i said hi to him 3 days ago and he didnt answer. I sent him " I miss you" text today and he didnt answer.

Should i let go?

 

 

[smackie9]

Yes let it go. It's a mental illness thing IMO that one doesn't want to keep up their hygiene if it's not a health issue. I know this will be a problem down the road. I think you dodged a bullet. First impressions count, and wouldn't anyone dating or having a partner put their best foot forward...making sure you are showered, shaved, smelling good, teeth clean, clean clothes? Being lazy about hygiene can be a passive type personality too...some one who avoids dealing with things. I know such a guy and he was stinky too. He has gone through GFs like going through toilet paper. Nice guy tho, but issues that couldn't keep a GF. Gosh some of them were like models...very attractive. It wasn't just the hygiene, it was that he was an avoider, stuck his head in the sand, lazy, did things half assed, etc.

You will look back on this and know it was for the best. Let him go and move on.

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

Not keeping up with hygiene is usually indicative of greater issues under the surface... Or at least i used to think that way until i started talking to other people about it... There are a surprising amount of people who only shower 2-3x a week... I shower every day, sometimes twice if im at the gym. 

Yeah, the shower thing is actually a pretty big point of contention when you start talking to people about it, i try to look past it myself, but it is admittedly hard.

[stillafool]

How long were you single before you took an interest in this guy?

For me, personal hygiene is extremely important so you lost me when you said he smells and others have noticed it too.  That would completely turn me off and I won't fix a grown man who doesn't know how to take care of his personal hygiene.

 

[rjc149]

A grown man who goes days without showering is going to smell bad. And he should be aware of that. Going days without showering is okay for a 10 year old. Not a grown man. It's definitely not okay for a grown man to get butthurt over being told he needs to step up his hygiene. 

Imagine having sex with a man who doesn't bathe himself. Would you look past that? I dated a woman who's vagina smelled like decomposing seafood when she got excited, and I ended it because of that. If a grown woman either doesn't take care of her cleanliness down there, or simply isn't aware of it being an issue, that's a problem. And it matters. 

You should think less about Captain Funk and more about why you think he's the best you can do. Was it that he was communicative and nurturing? Was he otherwise very handsome? You mentioned being an introvert which typically correlates with low self-confidence. Are you a confident woman? 

 

 

[fishlips]

Yuck. I wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't shower every day, but that's just me. I think it was right of you to tell him in a joking manner, but yes, you shouldn't have embarrassed him in front of his friends. Honestly though, they probably think he stinks as well.

I think it's excusable to not shower occasionally on a weekend if you don't leave the house, but showing up for a date stinking is bad news. Let it go. 

[d0nnivain]

What do you hope to achieve by reaching out?  Why would you want to reconcile with a man who doesn't shower & can't take a joke?  The reason he reacted so poorly to your teasing is that it hit too close to home.  That speaks about a whole other level of problems on his end.  

You had been dating since October & spent NYE weekend away but never hugged or kissed?  What?!  That makes no sense. 

You claim to be an introvert but I think you are misusing that phrase.  It actual means somebody who enjoyed solitude & needs that to recharge as opposed to an extrovert who needs other people to recharge.  It is not a synonym for shy or socially awkward.  

You said you didn't want to spend the weekend with him because "he would know some stuff about me i am not ready to show."   What does that mean?  What are you hiding?  If you felt like that, why did you go? 

You also said that when you fell you won't let him help you up.  Why would you reject help from somebody who cares about you?   Something is off here.

I think you best leave him be.  This was not a great romance  It was you settling out of boredom & now even though the cracks have been revealed you are considering trying resurrect this out of fear of being alone or turning 30.  You have to work with this man.  I'd leave it be to avoid increased awkwardness at work.  It's already bad enough.  Don't make it worse.  

[GeorgiaPeach1]

You should not have made that comment in front of his friends. Embarrassing someone, especially your partner, is not cool. That being said, I get the feeling he is blowing it way out of proportion to have an excuse to dump you. He was likely having doubts or even thinking of leaving anyway, and this incident gave him a "valid" reason to do so.

[Allupinnit]

Gross!! 

Girl I would have had a LOT more to say about a grown man going ripe than just some silly joke.  Come on who does that?

[Miss Spider]

Gross. 

He’s totally blowing this up and using it as an excuse. I can understand if you tore him down in front of his friends, but it was a JOKE. Maybe next time make sure you have that rapport, but seriously it’s not  huge deal.

Let Stinky go. 

[ExpatInItaly]

I would not want to continue dating this guy even if he hadn't reacted the way he did to your comment. 

He doesn't take care of his hygiene, to the point that other people notice. He doesn't kiss you even after months of dating and an overnight get-away. I would be completely turned off. 

We all have our flaws and quirks, but those two things would be deal-breakers for me. 

[smackie9]

I bet money on it, his friends are telling him how much an idiot he is being.

[rjc149]

3 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

I bet money on it, his friends are telling him how much an idiot he is being.

Or hopefully "dude -- take a f--king shower already."

[kendahke]

7 hours ago, abi1234 said:

days later i am still dwelling on it, i know i should let it go, but i thought he is a decent man that i can trust and communicate with. He just shut me down, i still see him at work from time to time, i said hi to him 3 days ago and he didnt answer. I sent him " I miss you" text today and he didnt answer.

Stop dwelling on this.

The man is funky and he stinks--you want to have oral sex with him? He's going to find out soon enough that no woman is going to want to be intimate with someone who stinks unless her hygiene is sketchy, too.

About 20 years ago, I worked with a man who never took baths--and he would wear dirty clothes he pulled out of the laundry hamper (they had that stale "been in the hamper too long" smell to them"). Even in the summer with 90 degrees and 80% humidity, there he was with his greasy hair and smelly behind sitting in the editing bay--where one has to work in close proximity with others.  It. Is. A. Problem and you aren't wrong for saying what you said--in fact, I'm willing to guess that everyone who heard it gave you a high five in their minds for finally saying something to him about it.

[healing light]

6 hours ago, rjc149 said:

I dated a woman who's vagina smelled like decomposing seafood when she got excited

Sounds like BV (bacterial vaginosis). 

 

5 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Why would you want to reconcile with a man who doesn't shower & can't take a joke?  The reason he reacted so poorly to your teasing is that it hit too close to home.

^Exactly this. It resonated with him on some level, enough for him to be embarrassed, but he is unwilling to address it. It honestly doesn't take that much effort to shower for a few minutes every day. If he's aware this is a problem but refuses to do anything about it, imagine all the other things he may be inconsiderate about.

[rjc149]

10 minutes ago, healing light said:

Sounds like BV (bacterial vaginosis). 

I thought that, but this was consistent over the course of half a dozen encounters. Sometimes she would stay the night on a weeknight and not shower, and in the morning, she'd want a quick romp and I just couldn't handle that putrid, stomach-turning stench, let alone get an erection. She was a little thicker in the thighs, so it was partially BO from sweat, and she ate a lot of meat which I've read can make women smell bad down there. 

She had to go. 

[Miss Spider]

🤢...it’s okay I wasn’t really that hungry anyway ....

Edited January 9, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[basil67]

People who have poor personal hygiene don't change with 'communication'.  

[Calmandfocused]

Op, it is true that people who smell and who are unhygienic are going to smell even worse in the bedroom. Every time you think about getting in touch with him, think about how he smelt on the trip, then think about how he would potentially smell “down there”. That should do the trick. 
 

I think it’s bothering you because he rejected you for unjustifiable reasons as you see it.
 

He did you a favour. Saves you a job... and you successfully avoid a potentially awkward sexual predicament in the future. Win Win. 
 

 

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, rjc149 said:

...I just couldn't handle that putrid, stomach-turning stench,...

That is not due to just missing a shower or two, that is something else, 
Bacterial Vaginosis, Trichomoniais or a forgotten tampon are the most likely causes.

[abi1234]

Yesterday, his bestfriends showed up at my friend's without me knowing to talk about what happened (intervention). They explained to me that he showers everyday but he has a medical issue and he went to a doctor and he takes a medication to solve his sweat problem. They said he didnt shower when we were there because it was too cold and he was going to shower the next day. I felt so guilty about this. BUT they explained why he really broke up with me, it's not because of the joke, it's because he felt like i wasn't really having fun and he felt like we are very different when it comes to personalities. I told them that he misjudged me very fast and if this is the way he feels then i can't change his mind and everyone has his own personality and relationships require compromises that he didn't want to do.

 

Surprisingly, he texted me at night and asked me if he can see me the second day to talk about everything, because i was mad at what his friends said and because i know i didnt do anything wrong, i was defensive in my response and told him there is nothing to talk about if he already thought we are different and can't see long term relationship with me. He was mad and said forget that i even talked to you, i tried to calm him down and assured him that i wanted to see him and talk, but he refused and stopped replying.

 

He is a decent man that i can rarely meet these days knowing that a lot of men are douche bags now, i want to fix this but not sure if this can be fixed anymore.

[basil67]

So he knows that he has a hygiene issue yet didn't shower (in a chalet!) because it was too cold.   Did the rest of you shower (or wash with a flannel and warm water) or were you all unwashed with stinky pits and genitals?

Edited January 10, 2020 by basil67

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm sorry OP, but what grown man sends his friends to make excuses for him? That is middle school stuff, not what mature adults do. I would be very put off by the fact that he evidently lacks the ability to speak for himself and sends his friends to do his dirty work. Seriously. It's astonishing behaviour for someone his age. 

You're dealing with someone who is not only unhygienic (I don't buy his back-pedal excuse) but also a poor communicator and socially/emotionally immature. 

Dating this guy in any serious capacity would have been a nightmare, and likely akin to managing a very large child. You aren't missing much, I promise. 

[abi1234]

31 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I'm sorry OP, but what grown man sends his friends to make excuses for him? That is middle school stuff, not what mature adults do. I would be very put off by the fact that he evidently lacks the ability to speak for himself and sends his friends to do his dirty work. Seriously. It's astonishing behaviour for someone his age. 

You're dealing with someone who is not only unhygienic (I don't buy his back-pedal excuse) but also a poor communicator and socially/emotionally immature. 

Dating this guy in any serious capacity would have been a nightmare, and likely akin to managing a very large child. You aren't missing much, I promise. 

He did not send them to talk to me, they are mediating in between us because they think we should not break up. He doesn't even know we talked about his personal hygiene, he doesnt know yet that it was my concern. He wanted to see me to talk maturely about it all but i am the one who turned him down this time. Not defending him here, but i was very sad when his friends told me he is doing his best to maintain a good hygiene.I felt like i misjudged him based on one incident, i never smelled anything before the NYE getaway and we went out a lot together. 

[ExpatInItaly]

4 minutes ago, abi1234 said:

He did not send them to talk to me, they are mediating in between us because they think we should not break up. 

Again, this is not what mature adults do.  You shouldn't need third parties to "mediate. ' I don't buy that he didn't put the bug in their ear, either, and had no knowledge that they were going to speak to you and defend his poor hygiene and explain the "real" reason he ended it with you.  Why else would they bother for such a short-lived relationship? I doubt they are that invested in his love life that they would intervene without his prior knowledge and encouragement. 

Regardless, you're still dealing with a man who behaves likes a petulant teenager. It is up to you whether you think this person is a viable candidate for a long-term relationship, but personally, I'd take a hard pass. He's too difficult and immature.