Sweetness2018 Posted January 9, 2020 Share Posted January 9, 2020 (edited) I’ve been with my oh for around 15 years and married for around 10 and during that time wev had 2 kids. Over the past few years things have been strained between us and despite trying to talk never really got to the bottom of why things were strained. My oh has realised a number if things that are an issue in recent weeks and is doing his best to work round the issues. The biggest problem I’ve had is that I’ve been accused of cheating around 2 years ago even though I hadn’t been. I’ve got a good friend who yes is the opposite sex and have always had a flirty type of banter with - we speak often but hardly see each other as we work and live a long way from each other... unfortunately we both had a few too many drinks and stepped across a line we would never have done sober a few weeks back and have since talked about it and agreed it shouldn’t have happened and everything has gone back to normal between us. What do I do now as I really enjoyed that night and haven’t been made to feel that way in a long time... Edited January 9, 2020 by Sweetness2018 Timescale made clearer Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted January 9, 2020 Share Posted January 9, 2020 Have your husband served and then all those wonderful feelings that you haven't felt for years will be yours once again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted January 9, 2020 Share Posted January 9, 2020 14 minutes ago, Sweetness2018 said: unfortunately we both had a few too many drinks and stepped across a line we would never have done sober and have since talked about it and agreed it shouldn’t have happened and everything has gone back to normal between us. What do I do now as I really enjoyed that night and haven’t been made to feel that way in a long time.... I'm taking this to mean you had a ONS. Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong. It sounds like you need to reinvest in your marriage and "bring the spark back". This is easier said than done. There are various ways and you could consider doing internet research and/or reading up on techniques for this. Date nights, being friendlier, shared hobbies, etc. Every couple's a little different and so different things will work for different people. I hope you're 100% sure this friend has no STDs. Really the only way to know for sure is to be tested. I think you'd be wise to completely cut ties with this friend. Speaking as a male, no matter what was said I suspect he will at least want to bang you again if he thinks he can. Things almost never really "go back to normal" and there is always the possibility it will happen again. I suspect you harbor some desires as well, even if perhaps you're not fully admitting them to yourself. Just because "it only happens occasionally" does NOT mean it's not an affair. Your friendship can be considered an EA, and a threat to your marriage, if you have feelings towards the guy even if you're repressing them. So, again, I'd end the friendship. If he's just a friend, you can always find another one. There are those who will probably advise you to tell your husband as he has a right to know what's happening in his marriage (and for other reasons). They have a point. My view is that it's a personal decision, esp. if this was really a one-time thing and you got tested for STDs. IF you decide to tell him about it, be prepared for the consequences of that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
major_merrick Posted January 9, 2020 Share Posted January 9, 2020 Crushes happen. I'm prone to that. But you are at a decision point. Do you repair things with your husband (because you are in the wrong here for cheating) or do you drop your family and chase after someone that you had one night with? We're all assuming you had sex. Did you? If you didn't, then things are more easy to repair. You can sweep this under the rug, and pretty much pretend it didn't happen. And if you choose to tell your husband, you are more likely to be forgiven. If you did have sex, you need birth control immediately (if you aren't on any) to avoid pregnancy, and STD testing. And if you choose to tell your husband, you will most likely end up getting divorced. Men especially do not take kindly to cheating. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 9, 2020 Share Posted January 9, 2020 29 minutes ago, mark clemson said: There are those who will probably advise you to tell your husband as he has a right to know what's happening in his marriage (and for other reasons). They have a point. My view is that it's a personal decision, esp. if this was really a one-time thing and you got tested for STDs. Sorry Mark, disagree. When does it become a marital rather than personal decision? After 2 times? Three? The OP obviously has one foot out the door. Her spouse deserves an equally informed view of his options... Mr. Lucky 3 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted January 9, 2020 Share Posted January 9, 2020 I respect your view. I guess the counterpoint would be it's always a personal decision, until you tell. At which point what to do about it becomes a marital decision. Or possibly a personal decision by the spouse (to cheat themselves, just leave, etc). In a way not unlike deciding when to tell a spouse about a terminal diagnosis or something similar. Yes, cheating and not telling the spouse are both unethical, no argument on that from me. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted January 9, 2020 Share Posted January 9, 2020 Hi Sweetness, Welcome to your midlife crisis. We have a table right here for you.... So you have two big issues - 1) You broke your marital vows and committed what for most people is a divorceable sin. If you want my honest opinion, because of issue #2, you need to cut off all communication with your affair partner now. Immediately. You will cheat again. Or at least you will be wanting to cheat again every time you talk to him. Don't give yourself the temptation/torture. One of you will say something. That will lead to mild flirting. Then you fantasize about him. That will lead to sexting. And before long you'll find yourself at a Sheraton somewhere with the guy. 2) You're in a not so happy marriage (there is a book on that). You're not alone, this site and countless others are loaded with similar stories. Misery loves company. First off, I'd suggest hitting the snooze button on the "should I tell my husband" quandary for a bit. This affair you had woke something up inside of you. And it isn't going to go away again. It is going to get louder and louder. It will affect everything - how you show up around your husband, your kids, your family and friends, even work. So you have to do something about it. Suggestion - read a book called Marriage Confidential: Love in the Post-Romantic Age by Pamela Haag. Just do it. She basically describes your marriage - the not so happy marriage. Then discusses a lot of things you can do about it - some pretty normal, some not so normal. $10 says that when you read it you'll be like, "damn, this book was written for me!" I could tell you to go into MC with your husband right now but honestly, that's premature. You have to figure out what you really want for yourself. Remember, this is your midlife crisis. Yay. The good news is that it is your crisis which means 110% of figuring it out (e.g. what you want) is in your control. Suggestion - this is a technique that my fiancee came up with and teaches. Emotional Goal Setting. So, if I say what do you want you're naturally going to describe it (once you get past all of the "I don't know" BS). You're going to describe it very "thingy". You know, with people's names, what you're doing, who you're doing it with, all that. Let me give you an example - you might say "I'm in a passionate marriage with my husband, we go out on dates, we have wild monkey sex, I lose 20 pounds, he loses 40" all that. Or maybe it is "I get a divorce and have this wild lifelong fling with the guy I see at the coffee shop with the South American accent who looks like the most interesting man in the world". Well, the second you start doing that you start limiting yourself as to what makes you happy and start focusing on the "things" in your vision. It is okay, we all do it. So go ahead and do it and then I want you to take that vision or maybe it is multiple visions and unpack them a bit. Think about what those visions make you feel. Write all those feelings down - the really important ones. Now throw away the visions - they've served their purpose. And focus on the feelings, the emotions. Use those as your guides, your "true north" on your life's compass. Now, when you look at your options and your life, see what decisions would move your towards those feelings. I'll give you an example, if one of your really important emotions is "passion" then look at the option of staying in your marriage and see if you can see if you can ever feel passion in it again. If not, and passion is a really important emotion, then know that staying in your marriage means sacrificing that emotion. It isn't straightforward because you'll probably find that leaving it means sacrificing another important emotion but at least you'll start to make sense of all the jumbled emotions. And you can start small. Let me give you an example - does giving your husband a neck rub after work make you feel a tiny bit closer to your husband? Well, if feeling close is one of your important emotions, then go ahead and do it. Suggestion - When I went through my midlife crisis I didn't do this and I wish I had. Go get yourself a good individual counselor to talk to about this stuff. Don't look for them to give you solutions. Look for them to be someone you can talk to. Now, back to the should I tell or not thing - after you begin to figure out what you want then revisit this question. Telling your husband about your affair might play a pivotal role in it. Or not. Best of luck! Mrin 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Poutrew Posted January 9, 2020 Share Posted January 9, 2020 What you do is tell your husband that the thing he has been afraid of happening for the last 2 years with this male friend finally did happen a few weeks ago. Make sure you tell your OH hat this guy was so high energy that when it finally did happen, he lit you up like a Christmas tree on 220v. Despite the fact that hubs has been working around the clock to make it right between you both, you just can't get this friend out of your life, and that you don't want to. I am sure your OH will have a few suggestions as to the best course of action...🥴 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Buffer Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 hi sweetness, So your friend crossed the boundaries that he would never cross whilst you were in a relationship, let alone in a marriage with children involved. You made the conscious decision to meet up with your EA partner, drink and sleep together. Since you have crossed that line, you need to get control of the situation now. Husband needs to know that you still cringe to his touch and sexual advances. You need to get tested for STDs as well as STIs as you didn’t practice safe sex. Have you kissed your husband since? If so he also needs to be checked for infections etc. As some can be passed on in saliva. To raise this you have a ethical and moral obligation. Do I tell husband that you have been unfaithful? Yes/No. Me I would need and want to be told. That is infidelity and D. Tell him the marriage is over, now, and the IC, as well as D. Or; have husband served with D papers and after the settlement then tell him that the person he suspected for two or so years of infidelity did in fact cross that line. Please be equal in the D, 50% of marriage debt as well as 50% of monies, lastly 50/50 child custody. Either way he has a right to know that your marriage is over, and need to bow out with minimal disruption or disrespect for one and other. If you decide not to D and don’t decide to tell, rug sweep the event you will have to go NC with your AP for the rest of your marriage. That will be a burden that you will carry for at least until your children leave home and you D after they are gone. If he finds out a year or more that you are still or have cheated, he will be just as devastated as if it happened on the day. Things have a habit of coming to the surface. He will find out now, or later. How do you want to handle this? ultimately this is your call where and what you do. Would you want to know if the rolls were reversed? The truth will set you free. Buffer Link to post Share on other sites
AriesMan83 Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 (edited) Help Sweetness 2018, Pls get std tested.. The illicit nature of the incident is what makes it exciting and difficult to forget.. Pls ask yourself why was it OK to flirt with someone and not maintain boundaries with him?By continuing to flirt with him,you were already in an emotional affair. Go complete NC with him.No talking in person or phone,no text msgs or email,no social media.NC also means emotional NC which means whenever he comes in your thought start thinking about other things or get busy doing something..Don't give him Amy headspace.Block him on email,phone,msg app,social media etc.You may feel bad about losing your "friend".Pls remember friends don't enable each other to hurt each other's families.. What you have with your husband is real life.Affairs are a distraction from the stresses of daily life..They are an unhealthy coping mechanism with the issues of daily life.You don't have to worry about mortgage,rising prices when you are talking to or you are with your affair partner.Pls get into IC with a therapist who deals in Infidelity.Please find oit with the IC as to why you thought its oj to cheat and develop better defence mechanism and coping strategies so it never hapens again.Please confess to your husband.Also ask him to get into IC who can help him to heal. Read the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass.. It will give you a fair idea about infidelity.Read the book "How to help your spouse heal from your affair" by Linda MacDonald. Read as much as possible about infidelity and it's effects on people involved.. Edited January 10, 2020 by AriesMan83 1 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 Be fair and let your husband know that he is now in an open relationship. He just may want get some those feelings that he hasn't felt in years for himself. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
AriesMan83 Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 Also if/when you and your husband decide to reconcile,pls read the book "5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman.It will help you to know each other's love language and help in improving your communication with each other..You and your husband will also need MC to work out on the issues in your matriage pretty affair and how to communicate effectively.. Love is based on trust and honesty. Affairs are based on deceit and dishonesty.. Link to post Share on other sites
AriesMan83 Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 (edited) 15 minutes ago, AriesMan83 said: Pls ask your husband to get std tested if you have been intimate with your husband since your ONS. People in relationships usually know each other well.Maybe your husband was uncomfortable with your closeness with your AP.And that is why he wrongly accused you of cheating.Is your AP your only guy friend?Don't you talk to other guys?Did you think or ask your husband as to why did he accuse you of cheating with him and not some other guy?Did you discuss this issue with your husband?Why didnt you ask your husband for couples counselling to resolve this issue?Maybe your husband accusing you of cheating led to you resenting him which you used as a justification for your affair.Maybe you thought that you will be able to maintain boundaries with your friend and ended up cheating in the end.Also if/when you and your husband decide to reconcile,pls read the book "5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman.It will help you to know each other's love language and help in improving your communication with each other..You and your husband will also need MC to work out on the issues in your marriage pre-affair and how to communicate properly with each other. Edited January 10, 2020 by AriesMan83 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 Your husband’s accusations are correct. You were having an emotional affair that you just turned physical with your so called friend. You are a cheater. Be honest with you husband and give him a divorce. Then you can do what ever your cheating heart desires. Then your ex will be able to find someone better that might not cheat on him for years like you have. Just think how different things would be if you put the effort into your marriage that you put into the relationship with your affair partner. Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted January 11, 2020 Share Posted January 11, 2020 End the marriage or fix it. How does being part time in a relationship ever work out? Tell your husband the truth, one of them has to go, you can't have both if you want the marriage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
UCanCallMeCrazy Posted January 21, 2020 Share Posted January 21, 2020 Sweetness, it was not the alcohol necessarily - people only do what they truly desire when drunk because inhibition is removed. So understand that you wanted the ONS. You were accused 2 years ago, but it sounds like the cheating happened more recently. Stepping outside a marriage is almost always exciting for someone who decides to do it. New love affairs feel good because they are new. So don’t think it is better than what you had, Everything gets old. Figure out if/how you are going to tell your husband, and what will be the consequences and if that is what you want long term. There is an old saying - if you go looking for something, you are bound to find it. Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted January 21, 2020 Share Posted January 21, 2020 4 hours ago, UCanCallMeCrazy said: people only do what they truly desire when drunk So the airline pilot is either A - drunk or B - not doing what he truly desires? (cancels reservations) On 1/9/2020 at 7:03 AM, Sweetness2018 said: I’ve been with my oh for around 15 years and married for around 10 and during that time wev had 2 kids. Over the past few years things have been strained between us and despite trying to talk never really got to the bottom of why things were strained. My oh has realised a number if things that are an issue in recent weeks and is doing his best to work round the issues. The biggest problem I’ve had is that I’ve been accused of cheating around 2 years ago even though I hadn’t been. I’ve got a good friend who yes is the opposite sex and have always had a flirty type of banter with - we speak often but hardly see each other as we work and live a long way from each other... unfortunately we both had a few too many drinks and stepped across a line we would never have done sober a few weeks back and have since talked about it and agreed it shouldn’t have happened and everything has gone back to normal between us. What do I do now as I really enjoyed that night and haven’t been made to feel that way in a long time... At this point, it would be wise for you to erase from your mind the part where you were falsely accused of cheating two years ago. And it is more accurate to say that the "good friend" "agreed" to whatever you were saying in order so that he can continue to remain in your periphery on the chance of a replay of whatever it was that he wanted a few weeks back. Men generally have zero interest in maintaining mere friendships with women they wouldn't rather be banging. (exceptions for coworkers, neighbors, extended family) Ergo, "normal between {you and your 'friend' } " is not appropriate with regard to your marriage. (which would be easier to digest were things as they should be at home. If you are really willing to apply yourself at home, a good step would be to visit a marriage counselor together and have that person draw-out from both of you the communication revitalization that you need) You are at a fork in the road... and it is still your choice which way to go... don't wait until you no longer have a choice. Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted February 5, 2020 Share Posted February 5, 2020 On 1/9/2020 at 7:02 PM, Mrin said: You need to cut off all communication with your affair partner now. Immediately. You will cheat again. Or at least you will be wanting to cheat again every time you talk to him. This is exactly what i was thinking. Cut all contact because the more you talk to him the more tempted you will be. Do you want your marriage to work? If so, suggest couples counseling with your oh. Link to post Share on other sites
Harry Korsnes Posted February 12, 2020 Share Posted February 12, 2020 Why NOT tell your h. What if the tables were turned? Link to post Share on other sites
Characterized Posted February 15, 2020 Share Posted February 15, 2020 If it was a one off, whatever it was..and you can look yourself in the eye, then keep it to yourself. You haven't said what the line was, so I am not jumping to conclusions. If you tell him, then you have a world of hurt to come, and that will be shared with your oh. If you can guarantee that you are healthy, and clear of anything then bare the guilt yourself and live with yourself. One day you will forgive yourself, but you have work to do. It won't be easy if you really want it. Do not destroy a good man if you can take the whole pain yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Harry Korsnes Posted February 17, 2020 Share Posted February 17, 2020 Hi Sweetness! If you do as mrin and jtsw suggest before you explain to your h what happend he will for sure know something is going on. I think he needs the oppotunity to make his own choice of what he wants. If it was the other way around would you like to know? And have chance to do what you need to do? Link to post Share on other sites
Harry Korsnes Posted February 17, 2020 Share Posted February 17, 2020 Ps Sorry about my english its not prefect. I use google correct. Link to post Share on other sites
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