GoodDad78 Posted January 9, 2020 Share Posted January 9, 2020 (edited) My wife and I have been married for 12+ years, together for a total of 16. Two amazing kids, ages 6 and 8. We very rarely fight, can't think of any significant parenting or financial conflicts, but from my perspective the magic is gone. We haven't been intimate in a year and a half and even before that it was once or twice a year at most. For me, it isn't a medical issue because I am attracted to other women and fantasize about them, but have never crossed a line. The other day I told her sometimes I feel that we have stayed married only because we love our kids. We agreed that we should go to therapy but I don't know what I want to get out of it. I'm unhappy and do not feel physically attracted to her anymore (she stays in shape but just isn't my physical type anymore). I'm no great catch or anything and am not necessarily looking for someone "better" but I am feeling the urge for something different. As I type this I'm not exactly sure what the question I'm asking is or what kind of advice I'm looking for. I'm not a bad guy and can't stomach the idea of telling her I'm not physically attracted to her anymore and despite that I love our family unit, I am unhappy in general with our marriage. I've been thinking about things too much lately and honestly if she told me she was interested in separating, I don't think I'd have a problem with it. I'm afraid what it would do to the kids but my selfish reaction would be, "ok, let's figure that out.." Edited January 9, 2020 by GoodDad78 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 9, 2020 Share Posted January 9, 2020 You took vows & have kids together. Your physical type is a insignificant reason to destroy your family. The biggest sex organ is the brain, not the body. Both of you make some effort to romance each other again, not just sex but spending time together, getting to know each other, reconnecting on an intellectual level. Let your eyes see through your heart with love & the lust should return, maybe not the Hubba Hubba of drooling over a centerfold but enough that you can have a fulfilling marriage. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 Sounds like the typical mid life crisis to me. I would certainly try MC, I'm sure they have seen exactly this type of thing a million times before and know exactly how to help. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 Is this a mutually agreed arrangement? You didn't talk about how your wife was taking the absence of sex. Is she ok with the status Quo? If you want to stay married you should go to MC. If that doesn't work then it's time to D. Why put off the inevitable? Link to post Share on other sites
Author GoodDad78 Posted January 10, 2020 Author Share Posted January 10, 2020 Thanks to everyone for the advice, much appreciated. The absence of sex...not sure I would call in a mutually agreed arrangement or an agreed arrangement at all. It just hasn't happened, neither one of us has really tried to initiate but I can vouch for this not being a medical problem for me (high drive, parts work). I have been legitimately surprised by her reaction to me bringing it up and my lack of excitement/happiness in the marriage in general. I foolishly thought she felt the same way but apparently not. We'll see what MC brings us. Link to post Share on other sites
Blind-Sided Posted January 14, 2020 Share Posted January 14, 2020 On 1/9/2020 at 10:43 AM, d0nnivain said: You took vows & have kids together. Your physical type is a insignificant reason to destroy your family. ......... This is the core of it, that I couldn't get my ex to understand. And, regardless of your feelings... you WILL destroy your family. OK, my ex went nuts, and took me and our oldest kid to court... but kids going back and forth to different houses is just WRONG ! With my oldest, she is easy. She understands what is going on and... well... hates her mom now. My youngest (8) is oblivious to the deeper issues, but I have still gotten "I just want to be in my own bed every night", and on Sunday's, when we do the exchange... my 8yo goes from being happy, to not wanting to do anything other than lay in her bed, and watch videos. I have friends who were in your situation, and they went to a weekend couples retreat/councilor session. They came back renewed, and as if they had just been married. Maybe that's what you should look into, before destroying the lives of your kids. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted January 14, 2020 Share Posted January 14, 2020 I dunno.... IME. when its gone, its gone....trying to fake it will only seem awkward and weird at this point...Not saying it's impossible, but its rare...Because you don't seem to be complaining about her physical appearance changing, my guess is that there is something else going on that's caused the fire to go out...Doesn't appear that she cares one way or the other, gauging by her reaction.. All you have left at this point is to decide to suck it up and do like most guys in your situation do, retreat in some quiet area of the house and satisfy your own needs, and trudge on..... or blow it all up and go for what you want....But you know all the ramifications of that with kids, stuff, etc...... The other option is to just hang in there until the kids get old enough, then plan to dissolve the marriage in an orderly and organized way......These things become a lot less complex when there aren't little kids that will take it on the chin... Good luck . TFY Link to post Share on other sites
Ellener Posted January 15, 2020 Share Posted January 15, 2020 13 hours ago, Blind-Sided said: kids going back and forth to different houses is just WRONG ! With my oldest, she is easy. She understands what is going on and... well... hates her mom now. My youngest (8) is oblivious to the deeper issues, but I have still gotten "I just want to be in my own bed every night", and on Sunday's, when we do the exchange... my 8yo goes from being happy, to not wanting to do anything other than lay in her bed, and watch videos. Yes, I let my husband provide the 24/7 home for my son when we separated on the understanding I could come and go as I please to spend time with him daily, hecould not cope with the two homes thing and for many years just slept on the sofa, I never did get him to stop that! But it worked out ok until ex met another woman who could not understand why she couldn't just step into my parenting place and then it caused a whole other set of problems. He and my son don't communicate at all now. My life then had to go on hold to prioritise my son's needs and today we are closer every year as he grows up. It's difficult but I don't regret my decision today and I'm sure my ex does regret his. My ex said it was all my fault and he had to choose between his new wife and his child; there would be no choice about that for me. Kid comes first. I've very much enjoyed getting back in shape and rebuilding my confidence etc and once I feel a bit better I'm going to try dating again. I've got one more big relationship in me! Good luck whatever you decide. Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted January 15, 2020 Share Posted January 15, 2020 A good reason for MC is to get the feelings, wants and needs on the table. Your relationship is in a stalemate and neither of you have the courage to break it. Once each of you know clearly how the other person feels and views things you will be able to move past the impasse. Don't let another ten years go by. Your life will change. For better or worse will be up to you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted January 15, 2020 Share Posted January 15, 2020 On 1/10/2020 at 9:58 PM, GoodDad78 said: I have been legitimately surprised by her reaction to me bringing it up and my lack of excitement/happiness in the marriage in general. I foolishly thought she felt the same way but apparently not. We'll see what MC brings us. To be honest I am not surprised that she is happy with her life. She must be a smart woman who has thought about it a lot and has come to the conclusion that there is no perfect marriage or perfect life in general and she has come to terms with it, as many people do at some point in their life. It seems that her goal was to find a good partner and have kids with him and raise them together so she has more or less achieved that. What was YOUR goal for your life? What would be the changes that would make you happy(ier) now? If the answer to this question is not something that can happen, and if being that unhappy is something you can't tolerate anymore, then a divorce is the best thing for you. I'm just thinking though that good is the enemy of better. There are always things that would make us happier but sooner rather than later we should come to terms with the fact that we can't have them all and that stirring the pot will not necessarily make us happy. Link to post Share on other sites
spiritedaway2003 Posted January 15, 2020 Share Posted January 15, 2020 (edited) I used to be of the camp that you should do whatever it takes to work out your marriage. Experience changes your view. My advice to you: Book a couples retreat and get everything out on the table. Identify why you're unhappy. Address the lack of intimacy in your marriage. From my experience with my xMM, you can't "win" and something's to give: - Leave for yourself, and you're going to be criticized for destroying your marriage and family unit for "petty" reasons (when you took a vow to be together for better or worse). - Don't leave and keep things status quo. You will continue to unhappy and years down the line, you'll come back and say that you've been in a sexless marriage ("why didn't you leave earlier or say something?") Or worse, you got yourself into an A and dragged someone else through it too ("why not end the marriage before getting into an A" ?) - If you stay for the kids, you'll get the "staying for the kids is an excuse". (I personally think that it's generally better for kids to grow up with two parents. If you are constantly fighting, then obviously it's not good for the kids). Kids will get feel hurt when their parents' marriage is broken, even when they are older. It's just a reality you can't escape. My advice? Put everything you've got into rekindling those feelings in your marriage first. Figure out how or if you can get that fire back. If you've done everything you can, then at least you can't say you didn't try. And go from there. Good luck. Edited January 15, 2020 by spiritedaway2003 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author GoodDad78 Posted January 15, 2020 Author Share Posted January 15, 2020 Thanks again for everyone's thoughtful replies. We had a big fight the other night but in the end a lot of issues were aired/discussed. She knows where I am in all of this and told me she appreciates my honestly. She asked that I go into MC openminded and I promised her I would. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted January 16, 2020 Share Posted January 16, 2020 At the risk of stating obvious facts you're in a sexless marriage. No wonder you aren't particularly happy. Possibly if she shows genuine attraction towards you that will perk you up a bit. For me, if a woman (even an attractive one) is not interested or shows disdain that is much less of a turn on than a regular woman who shows sincere interest in me. It feeds my ego (I admit) but then somehow that also translates into increased sex drive. The magic of brain chemistry. Perhaps her sustained lack of interest amounts to a sort of "insult" or "ego de-buff" and your lack of sexual interest towards her is in part a result of that. I think this goes along with what Donnivain was saying above - more connection, more sexual interest, and more APPRECIATION from her may help things. A year and a half is a long time to go without, so clearly you've gotten used to whacking it. That has become your norm, I think. But that doesn't mean you can't re-boot the interest. Be GLAD your dealing with this now. We get posts occasionally from guys who have gone decades without sex and then are trying to reboot. One suggestion would be to spend time cuddling/spooning on a regular basis, e.g. when you wake up in the morning or at other convenient times such as TV time. Be sure you can do this without it leading to sex (doesn't sound like an issue in your case). This might generate some interest and also will re-normalize some level of physical intimacy. Possibly being pressed up against her tush while stroking her hair and having conversation for 20 minutes on a regular basis will get the two of you going again. Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted January 16, 2020 Share Posted January 16, 2020 I didn't get the impression from the OP that lack of sex was the reason he feels unhappy and he didn't ask from us how to make his sex life active again. Some people don't put sex first to give them happiness. I find we as a society have made sex like a god. People in earlier decades and centuries weren't doing this. Nowadays everyone is obsessed with "sex". We see it all over, social media, magazines, movies, it defines everyone and everything. I'm becoming sick of the idea of this lifestyle. Like there are no other things that can make people happy and complete. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author GoodDad78 Posted January 16, 2020 Author Share Posted January 16, 2020 Appreciate the comments. SummerDreams, you are right. It isn't necessarily the lack of sex in our lives. Honestly, my sex drive is fine. The awful truth is I am no longer attracted to her. It's nothing she can change it is just that I have become (or maybe always was) physically attracted to a different type of woman. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 16, 2020 Share Posted January 16, 2020 14 minutes ago, GoodDad78 said: It isn't necessarily the lack of sex in our lives. Honestly, my sex drive is fine. The awful truth is I am no longer attracted to her. Chicken and egg. Attraction in a LTR is like fitness, you have to work at it and exercise the muscle. Expecting Cupid to sprinkle decades of happy dust on your marriage brings a very low probability of success... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
littleblackheart Posted January 16, 2020 Share Posted January 16, 2020 (edited) OP, it sounds like you have a specific someone in mind, tbh. If not, you may want to think about what attracted you to her in the first place (must have been a good enough reason, since you married her!) and what is putting you off in her physical appearance. Have you no emotional / spiritual bond other than the kids, after 12 years together? It just seems a little odd that more than a decade later, only now are you realising that your wife / mother of your kids is not, in fact, your physical type. Edited January 16, 2020 by littleblackheart Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted January 16, 2020 Share Posted January 16, 2020 28 minutes ago, GoodDad78 said: it is just that I have become (or maybe always was) physically attracted to a different type of woman. What type of woman? Link to post Share on other sites
Author GoodDad78 Posted January 16, 2020 Author Share Posted January 16, 2020 I have zero regrets because if I did then I would regret how my children were brought into this world (and they are 100% my priority). My wife was safe and secure when we got married but if there is such a thing as soul mates, then mine was someone I met a couple years before my wife in Korea. Timing didn't work for us to continue our relationship. It is what it is. Link to post Share on other sites
Blind-Sided Posted January 16, 2020 Share Posted January 16, 2020 On 1/15/2020 at 8:39 AM, spiritedaway2003 said: ...... Put everything you've got into rekindling those feelings in your marriage first. Figure out how or if you can get that fire back. If you've done everything you can, then at least you can't say you didn't try. And go from there. Good luck. I agree completely. I wish I was given that chance... and so do my kids. Go to the retreat, and get it all out. If nothing else... it's a final vacation. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 17, 2020 Share Posted January 17, 2020 18 hours ago, GoodDad78 said: if there is such a thing as soul mates, then mine was someone I met a couple years before my wife in Korea. Timing didn't work for us to continue our relationship. It is what it is. While I'm sure you love your kids, sounds as though you never 100% committed to the marriage. Sucks for your wife as the success or failure of the relationship was never in her hands... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted January 17, 2020 Share Posted January 17, 2020 1 hour ago, Mr. Lucky said: While I'm sure you love your kids, sounds as though you never 100% committed to the marriage. Sucks for your wife as the success or failure of the relationship was never in her hands... Mr. Lucky Being aware that you have loved someone more that your spouse does not mean you are not commited to the relationship. Do all people marry the person they have loved the most? And what about second or third marriages? Also you miss the point that his wife is really happy and content with her marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
ChatroomHero Posted January 17, 2020 Share Posted January 17, 2020 The question is if you were ever really attracted to your wife. I think if you had it and lost it you can relocate the attraction. If you never had it, you're never really going to be attracted to her. It kind of sounds like you never really had it. I don't know if staying in a bad situation makes you the best person for the kids. I think if you both are happy, not matter the situation, it is better for the kids to be raised by happy people. They pick up on things and learn about relationships form you without even knowing it. If they have parents that are really just co-existing, I think they kind of subconsciously get the impression that is how relationships work or are supposed to work. If you have never been attracted to your wife, I really doubt MC is even worth it and you should be upfront about that fact with the MC or it is def a waste of time if that is true and you withhold that. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted January 17, 2020 Share Posted January 17, 2020 Hmm. Ok, so: You're high drive You don't sleep with your wife but are content with masturbation (not a judgement, just stating an apparent fact) But the lack of sex doesn't bother you You don't feel attracted to your wife (or that she is attractive generally?) You missed out on your "soulmate" in a prior relationship Your feeling "done" and thinking of leaving Feel free to correct any of that I got wrong. Something doesn't add up here for me. I assumed it was the sex, but you say it's not. Why are you leaving/unhappy? You want a woman you're more attracted to? Why if you don't care about sex? What difference would it make? Just a prettier "exterior" for the marriage or ?? Maybe it's the emotional connection (lack thereof). Are there emotional connection issues (it sounds to me like there are, but perhaps not being acknowledged)? Are you looking to find another "soulmate" type? (Be aware this soulmate sort of thing is partly a function of brain chemistry, so not necessarily easy to replicate.) Was your wife just "somebody" to be married/have kids with because of social conventions but now it's worn thin? (This is a question/something to think about, not an accusation.) Is there something more? What's missing here, OP ? Something to be aware of - we sometimes get posts from women (not just men) who are quite unhappy in their sexless marriages. Right now your wife is seemingly content. Be aware - IF you leave her and marry another but do not have sex with her, she might not tolerate it nearly as well. All women are different. Here's something to think about from another poster for the next go round, IF there's going to be one. Hope you get what you are looking for, one way or another... On 1/11/2020 at 11:04 AM, Kitty Tantrum said: "The marriage you have is a product of the approach you took to finding a mate. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 18, 2020 Share Posted January 18, 2020 On 1/17/2020 at 4:17 AM, SummerDreams said: Also you miss the point that his wife is really happy and content with her marriage. Didn't miss that at all, that's why his wife is in such a lousy position. The one who cares the least, obviously the OP, often has the most power. The fact she wants the marriage to continue is a measure of her commitment, not her happiness... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
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