SummerDreams Posted January 18, 2020 Share Posted January 18, 2020 1 hour ago, Mr. Lucky said: The fact she wants the marriage to continue is a measure of her commitment, not her happiness... Where did this come from? She was directly asked and she said she was happy. Link to post Share on other sites
littleblackheart Posted January 18, 2020 Share Posted January 18, 2020 On 1/16/2020 at 3:55 PM, GoodDad78 said: My wife was safe and secure when we got married but if there is such a thing as soul mates, then mine was someone I met a couple years before my wife in Korea. Safe and secure? Sounds like your heart was never really in it. Is this soulmate from Korea somehow back in the picture? What has triggered these feelings of discontent? Regardless, human relationships are messy and complicated, and of course there are moments of doubt when you wonder 'what if'. Are you that miserable that a separation is warranted? Only you can answer this (there is no right or wrong answer to this btw, only how you feel and what you stand to lose). Staying in a marriage you resent is not great for either of you, but so is leaving a marriage based on temporary (?) dissatisfaction. Maybe a few sessions of IC could help you try to make sense of how you're feeling atm? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 20, 2020 Share Posted January 20, 2020 On 1/10/2020 at 11:58 AM, GoodDad78 said: I have been legitimately surprised by her reaction to me bringing it up and my lack of excitement/happiness in the marriage in general. I foolishly thought she felt the same way but apparently not. On 1/18/2020 at 8:03 AM, SummerDreams said: Where did this come from? She was directly asked and she said she was happy. While you may read between the line and see her 'happiness', I see a commitment through thick and thin to the marriage. Doesn't seem the OP has the same resolve... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted January 20, 2020 Share Posted January 20, 2020 1 hour ago, Mr. Lucky said: While you may read between the line and see her 'happiness', I see a commitment through thick and thin to the marriage. Doesn't seem the OP has the same resolve... Mr. Lucky In my eyes there is no such thing as constant happiness. We are content with our lives and we have moments of happiness. Most people in marriages have their ups and downs, their positive and their negatives, but if they are content enough, they stay. To be honest I would never stay in a marriage if I was never happy due to commitment. Commitment to whom? My biggest commitment is to myself. My well being and happiness are greater than any commitment. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 21, 2020 Share Posted January 21, 2020 On 1/19/2020 at 11:51 PM, SummerDreams said: My biggest commitment is to myself. My well being and happiness are greater than any commitment. SummerDreams, do you have kids? Children and family tend to alter that kind of “me first” philosophy... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Blind-Sided Posted January 23, 2020 Share Posted January 23, 2020 (edited) On 1/20/2020 at 2:51 AM, SummerDreams said: ......... Commitment to whom? My biggest commitment is to myself. My well being and happiness are greater than any commitment. I agree with @Mr. Lucky on this one. When you get married... life automatically becomes a compromise. Add kids into that mix, and you do what needs done to preserve that family bond. Your life is now for the greater good of the family, and not yourself. Edited January 23, 2020 by Blind-Sided 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted January 23, 2020 Share Posted January 23, 2020 23 minutes ago, Blind-Sided said: I agree with @Mr. Lucky on this one. When you get married... life automatically becomes a compromise. Add kids into that mix, and you do what needs done to preserve that family bond. Your life is now for the greater good of the family, and not yourself. I'm married, no kids (and I never will have any). I do make compromises for my H, but in the end of the day if one spouse is unhappy and has no inner strength to make these compromises, that means that these compromises aren't being made. So in my mind I must have reserved a quantity of happiness in myself in order to be able to give to the family. When you go to a therapist they only want you to talk about yourself, how to make yourself happy, how to care for yourself, how to understand yourself and face the problems you have etc. Why do you think that is? Because they know what I said before; that "care for yourself" is the first step to make yourself and others happy. Link to post Share on other sites
Blind-Sided Posted January 23, 2020 Share Posted January 23, 2020 7 minutes ago, SummerDreams said: ............................... When you go to a therapist they only want you to talk about yourself, how to make yourself happy, how to care for yourself, how to understand yourself and face the problems you have etc. Why do you think that is? .............. Because they want a paycheck, and don't care about the family unit. LOL 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted January 23, 2020 Share Posted January 23, 2020 6 minutes ago, Blind-Sided said: Because they want a paycheck, and don't care about the family unit. LOL That's not right. The most important commitment we have is to ourselves. If we are unhappy, we have no happiness to give. It's not something weird what I'm saying. I don't think you hear it for the first time. (for the record, I used to go to a therapist for almost 4 years for free, he was part of the public health system in my country). Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted January 23, 2020 Share Posted January 23, 2020 2 hours ago, SummerDreams said: That's not right. The most important commitment we have is to ourselves. Spoken like a true non-parent. Once you have children, your number one priority becomes THEIR happiness and welfare. Working to save your marriage and the family unit then becomes an important part of that commitment to their happiness and welfare. Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted January 23, 2020 Share Posted January 23, 2020 5 minutes ago, vla1120 said: Spoken like a true non-parent. Once you have children, your number one priority becomes THEIR happiness and welfare. Working to save your marriage and the family unit then becomes an important part of that commitment to their happiness and welfare. And also dissolving a crappy, dysfunctional marriage... if necessary. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted January 23, 2020 Share Posted January 23, 2020 6 minutes ago, vla1120 said: Spoken like a true non-parent. Once you have children, your number one priority becomes THEIR happiness and welfare. Working to save your marriage and the family unit then becomes an important part of that commitment to their happiness and welfare. "Save the marriage" at any cost it doesn't mean it will bring happiness to the kids. My father was an alcoholic since I was a baby, he would drink a lot and fight with my mom, I have had really bad experiences in my childhood. My mom was really unhappy but she thought that if she would divorce him I would be unhappy so she was being patient to keep the marriage. We kicked him out when I got 18. My mom sacrificed these 18 years being unhappy to keep me happy, but I could not be happy having an alcoholic abusive father AND an unhappy mother. Sometimes kids' happiness means that the unhappy spouse lets the marriage go. Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted January 23, 2020 Share Posted January 23, 2020 2 minutes ago, giotto said: And also dissolving a crappy, dysfunctional marriage... if necessary. That depends on the cause of the "crappy, dysfunctional" marriage. Abuse? Dissolve it. Infidelity? Dissolve it if you can't get past it. Continued drug/alcohol abuse or? Dissolve it if the addict won't/can't stop. Bored with my marriage/SO? Nope. Stick with your vows, get some marriage counseling, do everything you can to keep your marriage intact before breaking up the family. ....but that's just my opinion.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted January 23, 2020 Share Posted January 23, 2020 3 minutes ago, vla1120 said: Stick with your vows, get some marriage counseling, do everything you can to keep your marriage intact before breaking up the family. ....but that's just my opinion.... Of course, I agree with this... I'm an Olympic Champion in the art of trying to revive a dead horse... 😂 Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted January 23, 2020 Share Posted January 23, 2020 3 minutes ago, SummerDreams said: "Save the marriage" at any cost it doesn't mean it will bring happiness to the kids. My father was an alcoholic since I was a baby, he would drink a lot and fight with my mom, I have had really bad experiences in my childhood. My mom was really unhappy but she thought that if she would divorce him I would be unhappy so she was being patient to keep the marriage. We kicked him out when I got 18. My mom sacrificed these 18 years being unhappy to keep me happy, but I could not be happy having an alcoholic abusive father AND an unhappy mother. Sometimes kids' happiness means that the unhappy spouse lets the marriage go. I understand this. I divorced my husband of 32 years 18 years after finding out about an affair with my best friend. For those 18 years, I tried to save the marriage. It's all water under the bridge, but I do wonder if I did my daughters a disservice by staying in that marriage for as long as I did, so I DO understand what you're saying. I guess all I'm saying is that I don't like to see couples throw in the towel just because the marriage has become "difficult." Marriage takes constant work. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted January 23, 2020 Share Posted January 23, 2020 3 minutes ago, giotto said: Of course, I agree with this... I'm an Olympic Champion in the art of trying to revive a dead horse... 😂 Ha! Me too, Giotto. Guilty as charged... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted January 23, 2020 Share Posted January 23, 2020 46 minutes ago, vla1120 said: I understand this. I divorced my husband of 32 years 18 years after finding out about an affair with my best friend. For those 18 years, I tried to save the marriage. It's all water under the bridge, but I do wonder if I did my daughters a disservice by staying in that marriage for as long as I did, so I DO understand what you're saying. I guess all I'm saying is that I don't like to see couples throw in the towel just because the marriage has become "difficult." Marriage takes constant work. Thank you for sharing and understanding. The way you are saying it, I 100% agree. To be honest, besides two serious surgeries I had to do in my life, being in a serious relationship for 10 years (living together the 8 of them) is the most difficult thing I have done. The sacrifices and compromises I have had to make, the constant effort to become a better person and maintain my relationship, these things are really hard for me. I'm not the person who will just divorce because I'm bored. Of course I am bored sometimes, of course I dream of opening the door and leaving sometimes, of course I want to "kill" him sometimes, but I don't. I stay because I love him and I know this is my life and that everyone has communication problems in every relationship. But all that being said, if I find myself really miserable one day, hating my life, depressed, I would really consider leaving because it won't benefit anyone if I am just depressed, I can't be happy, I can't make my H happy, then why are we together? What is the point? Just on the name of some "commintment"? This is the point I was trying to make earlier. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Blind-Sided Posted January 24, 2020 Share Posted January 24, 2020 11 hours ago, vla1120 said: .......Once you have children, your number one priority becomes THEIR happiness and welfare. Working to save your marriage and the family unit then becomes an important part of that commitment to their happiness and welfare. 11 hours ago, vla1120 said: That depends on the cause of the "crappy, dysfunctional" marriage. Abuse? Dissolve it. Infidelity? Dissolve it if you can't get past it. Continued drug/alcohol abuse or? Dissolve it if the addict won't/can't stop. Bored with my marriage/SO? Nope. Stick with your vows, get some marriage counseling, do everything you can to keep your marriage intact before breaking up the family. ....but that's just my opinion.... Bingo. A real reason... sure, get away to be safe, or protect what you have. But because stuff didn't go as you planed, or are just board... NOPE !!!. That's a load in my book. And to be honest, that's what my ex did to me. She left for petty reasons, and didn't care about "The Family". Link to post Share on other sites
Gr8fuln2020 Posted January 24, 2020 Share Posted January 24, 2020 On 1/16/2020 at 8:55 AM, GoodDad78 said: I have zero regrets because if I did then I would regret how my children were brought into this world (and they are 100% my priority). My wife was safe and secure when we got married but if there is such a thing as soul mates, then mine was someone I met a couple years before my wife in Korea. Timing didn't work for us to continue our relationship. It is what it is. Ouch. For your wife...sounds like you have been juggling two relationships...one that is second-best and one that surrounded by regret. I don't believe in this 'soul mate' stuff. Personally. Like so many things, you don't really know if that person was the perfect person for you until you have the benefit of hindsight and with longevity. You could be feeling the same way now about your past 'soul mate' as you do your wife. Never know... Anyway, we have all seen divorced couples and I have been one and long term outlook for your children depends on your outward relationship with your wife. Placing 100% priority on your children isn't just about staying in the same house with your ex so they can sleep in their own beds. It's about being honest, supportive, loving towards your children and both providing the best they are able as a parent. Way too many of our kids coming out of divorced families see and respond to the negative impact of the day to day relationship more than the fact that the parents no longer live together. Link to post Share on other sites
HappySenior Posted January 24, 2020 Share Posted January 24, 2020 23 hours ago, SummerDreams said: "Save the marriage" at any cost it doesn't mean it will bring happiness to the kids. My father was an alcoholic since I was a baby, he would drink a lot and fight with my mom, I have had really bad experiences in my childhood. My mom was really unhappy but she thought that if she would divorce him I would be unhappy so she was being patient to keep the marriage. We kicked him out when I got 18. My mom sacrificed these 18 years being unhappy to keep me happy, but I could not be happy having an alcoholic abusive father AND an unhappy mother. Sometimes kids' happiness means that the unhappy spouse lets the marriage go. The difference is between health and safety and mere "happiness". I left and divorced my recent ex because my mental health and indeed physical safety were compromised. If neither were an issue, I would have stayed and fulfilled my vows. Unhappiness can be as much a reflection of the inside of a person as it is their circumstances - particularly in mid-life, which is why they call it a "crisis". I had one myself, so I know. Destroyed a perfectly good marriage with the help of my then spouse. Silly to throw away something permanent in the face of something transient. Link to post Share on other sites
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