marriage with emotional problems

[Eggshellwalker90]

So about 9 years ago, I meant my husband. He showered me with compliments and adored me. I fell for how he treated me. At the time, we moved in together when we were dating for only about 5 months. Things were pretty great, but We had a rough patch, where I even considered breaking up with him. We struggled with healthy communication, from both of us. We fought a lot, but still had ok days. I decided to give it more time. He still had thoughtful moments, and I knew he still loved me. 

within the year i was already pregnant with my son. Now things were even more intense with our relationship. If my husband thought I had insulted him in any way, (even if it was completely innocent on my part) he would immediately retaliate and become snappy and rude.

This made me miserable throughout the relationship, where I considered divorce many times cause I did not like how I was being treated. Instead of talking things out, he resorted to rude back talk. Then we had our daughter three years after my son, and our relationship still was back and forth.

Flash forward to about 8 years later, (I was still dealing with his attitude and irritability) he went to the hospital thinking he was having a heart attack. After months of trying to figure out what it was, it came to the conclusion that it was because of unresolved depression. Turns out, it was possible nerve damage from depression. He ended up going to a very dark place mentally, and was even put in a mental hospital for a few days because he thought he wanted to end his life. I had no idea he was struggling, which explained all the past irritability I guess.

Turned out, that the rough childhood he mentioned when we first were dating, was a lot more intense than I suspected. Very abusive physically and mentally. He told me he had learned alot about himself while he was in the mental inststute, and he was very sorry for how he has treated me and realized it was his own depression that needed to be in check. 

a year later there is slight change in him. He means well, I know. I know he loves me, but he has a hard time being emotionally healthy still. He has a full time job, a very good job, so he is successful and provides very well financially. However, I haven't felt emotionally connected to him in a very long time. Sometimes it comes and goes, but mainly I feel like I just have no interest in him anymore, I feel like years of irritability and rude words and snapping has Made me cold hearted. I'm afraid I am no longer in love with him. I love him as a person, but not sure if it is more than that. Unless that is just what happens in long time relationships with kids? 

It's very hard to see good qualities. We sometimes laugh together but it is usually something we are watching, or if he harmlessly pokes fun at me. Which is good, but it's not fulfilling my needs since we have more bad days then good. I don't enjoy his company as much as I should, and since I am a mom of two kids I find myself more involved in being a mother than a wife. I don't think I am a good wife to him, clearly if I feel this way about him. I know I fell in love a long time ago and want more than anything to feel that way about him again, but because of him struggling so much it's hard to have an emotional connection again. 

We usually end up arguing when we do have date nights, I feel I have resentment from how bad he would treat me in the past. He's an okay dad, he's trying harder now to have a connection, but I find that he struggles to connect with his son more than his daughter. I feel so guilty cause even though he's not the healthiest at showing it, I know he loves me but it's not enough. If he feels like I'm being disrespectful in anyway even when I'm not trying to be, he resorts back to having a rude tone. Almost Like a teenager having attitude towards his parents. I guess that's the best way to describe it lol

We can't really afford lots of therapy, and short of that I'm not sure how I can help myself to develop feelings for him again. Will I have to ignore his behavior in order to be happy? Every time I mention him being rude we fight cause he tries to justify it by saying it was something I said. But Im not trying to insult him in any way.

Any comments or advice would be appreciated.

[Pleasant-Sage]

It's fine for him to be irritated at you but if he doesn't have anything nice to say...he needs to not say anything at all. Same goes for you.

Ignoring your own feelings isn't going to help you start to love him again. If anything, that's going to end up being the final nail into the coffin of your marriage because you are going to grow even more resentful and harden your heart even more.

The only thing that might help ease your suffering from his bad behavior is if you find him worthy of understanding his point of view but even that has limitations. It might sound self sacrificing or silly but sometimes grasping the reality of his abnormal feelings will grant you some empathy for him.

To kind of explain that...

My favorite description of how love works is called the "Love Bank". Every individual has a love bank. When someone does something nice for you. That's called a deposit. When they do something hurtful...that's a withdraw. You control the values of deposits and withdraws. So, if you don't really like flowers and he buys you flowers...the intentions was nice but the deposit will end up being of low value. On the other hand, say he cleans the whole house, does the dishes plus the laundry too as a surprise. This could end up being a huge deposit into your love bank. The same applies to withdraws.

When relationship go bad. You typically end up with both people making very little deposits (if any at all) while constantly making all types of withdraws until both love banks are to the point of bankruptcy.

For you, this should make sense. However, you mentioned your husband struggling with depression. His love bank probably doesn't operate the same as yours...seems more chaotic because it has a bunch of bad employees working for it. Your deposits might get lost or just completely rejected for no reason at all. It takes extremes to be seen as worth their time when it comes to deposits but they easily process any and every withdraw.

You might also do some online research about the psychology of depression and how it works.

Depression is a nasty disease. It's currently killing my marriage too. Hang in there. Hopefully our spouses will get some kind of help and become good people again before we lose our own minds. 😁

[Gaeta]

In my ex-marriage I ran out of love. For 15 years it was like me giving, giving and him never filling the love basket, so one day my love was gone. I know exactly how you feel. I left my marriage of 15 years without shedding 1 tear, it felt like a ton was lifted from my shoulders. Today I am in a relationship where my love is returned at 150%. I would have never known this love was possible if I had not left my ex-husband. My only regret is to have waited too long for my ex to change. It's time for you to leave. You know it deep down. 

Edited January 10, 2020 by Gaeta

[Eggshellwalker90]

Thank you pleasant-sage, I love that "love bank" analogy, makes a lot of sense. And part of me doesn't want to give up because it still hurts me when I see him hurt, but sometimes it doesn't feel like an equal deposit marriage. Emotionally I'm not sure if my husband can be there for me. For instance, my dog died tragically, just a few months ago. Got bit by a large dog and died at the vets. I was traumatized. She was the first dog my husband and I got together, we had her for 8 years. By the third day of me being depressed, he had heard enough of me mentioning it. He tried to tell me she was "just a dog" and pretty much to get over it, but only using different words. I think he was trying to be there for me, but it was such in a non supportive way. And that's typical whenever I need comfort, or to feel better about something. It feels more like "tough love" if that makes sense. So it is hard to get that need fulfilled. It's just hard to emotionally connect. And he is aware of my feelings about our marriage, which I'm sure does not help his depression but I had to be honest with him and let him know where the marriage is at.

And thank you Gaeta, that gives me hope that if I have to say goodbye, I know it would be for the best. I have had a few people tell me that they wish they could have kept their marriages together, which makes me fear that eventually I may feel that way. But part of me I'm sure would feel a weight lifted. It's so hard to explain, but when he's around it's almost like he causes a surge of imbalance emotions. Like how if you are around someone who is angry or sad you tend to match those emotions...so it's hard for me to feel like myself.

Typically I am a happy bubbly person. I have a great family and we have tons of inside jokes so we always laugh and have fun, but when it's just my husband and I it's deadpan. It's like he sucks my personality out, and I just become so different.

Thank you for the advice, thank you for your opinions ❤️

[spiderowl]

It sounds like your husband is quite unable to empathise with you. I get the feeling you are a sympathetic person yourself: you care about him if he’s hurting but feel guilty for not feeling the love you used to.

He’s given you a hard time over the years - maybe because of problems from his past, maybe not. I don’t think you should have to stay with someone who is still making you feel unhappy and demoralised. It’s his problem from the past not yours. He’s had to plenty of time to change his ways and things have only improved slightly. 
 

Basically, would you be happier with him or on your own? You deserve some joy in life.

Edited January 12, 2020 by spiderowl

[Eggshellwalker90]

Spiderowl you hit the nail on the head. This explains perfectly on what's going on, it actually helped me understand myself in words. Thank you! I couldn't have said it better myself. Also it is true that I'm happier when he isn't here. That's such a messed up thing to admit, but I'd be lying to myself to say otherwise.