sadjohnny27 Posted January 9, 2020 Share Posted January 9, 2020 My girlfriend and I were at a new years party with my friends. We have been dating now for a year and three months and it has been the best time of my life. we hang out almost every day and both love each other very much. we have never cheated or done anything to hurt each other. at the new years party me and my girlfriend were very drunk. we were hanging out downstairs and she was sitting on a chair and my friend was sitting beside her. She’s always been very friendly and nice to my friends but that’s just her personality with everyone. I went upstairs for about 15 minutes and while i was upstairs my friend took out his dick and tried to get my girlfriend to touch it. She said no and he put it away. she told me they were then sitting there talking and they stood up and he grabbed her and kissed her. She said it was about 2-3 seconds and she feels bad cause she feels like she could’ve done more to stop it. She told me about it two days after it happened and she feels terrible about it and says she never meant for it to happen. Would you consider this as cheating and what would you do? Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted January 9, 2020 Share Posted January 9, 2020 (edited) I would go and have a word with my buddy......That's the person you should be concerned about. If she were cheating she wouldn't tell you jack $%^&. Edited January 9, 2020 by smackie9 6 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sadjohnny27 Posted January 9, 2020 Author Share Posted January 9, 2020 (edited) thanks man so i shouldn’t be mad at her? Edited January 9, 2020 by sadjohnny27 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted January 9, 2020 Share Posted January 9, 2020 If what she related is the truth then I don't see how you can blame her. Was anyone present when this happened aside from your ex friend? If so I would try to corroborate. If not then it's time to have a talk with your good buddy. Why he felt confident enough to do something like that would be one question I would like answered. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sadjohnny27 Posted January 9, 2020 Author Share Posted January 9, 2020 he was the only one in the room with her til i came back downstairs. i didn’t bother talking to him i just blocked him on everything and haven’t spoken to him since Link to post Share on other sites
oldtruck Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 he was never your friend and did not cheat. lesson, neither of you should get that drunk again 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 2 hours ago, sadjohnny27 said: Would you consider this as cheating and what would you do? I'd write it off as inappropriate behavior while drinking, presuming that's how you feel, and work on the 'drunk' part first. There's drinking to have a good time and there's drunk. Which is your girlfriend's style? If the latter, I'd work on dialing that back first. My bet is the other stuff will fall into place. If she was drunk and had that clear of reaction to him exposing himself, that portends well. Probably nobody knows for sure what happened if they were both drinking/drunk and no one else was around. I've known women who blackout drink and have sex/drive/do crazy things and never remember what they did, even if it's right there on video. Total blank. Anyway, I'd work on the boundary part and move forward. Sounds like you're young and learning. Good. That's what life is about. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 (edited) 3 hours ago, sadjohnny27 said: thanks man so i shouldn’t be mad at her? What would you be mad at her for? What exactly do you think SHE did wrong? Your buddy tried to sexually assault her & totally disrespected you. She's victim here. 2 hours ago, sadjohnny27 said: he was the only one in the room with her til i came back downstairs. i didn’t bother talking to him i just blocked him on everything and haven’t spoken to him since You probably should have told him that you were upset by his behavior. Just blocking is kind of immature. Hopefully he put two & two together but communication goes a long way in any situation. Good for you for choosing your GF though. Edited January 10, 2020 by d0nnivain 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Ambereyes Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 (edited) Your friend took out his dick but your GF continued sitting there and talking to him? I have one question, why? Also I dont like the fact they kissed. Albeit she didnt initiate, but she didnt push him away straight way. I also want to ask, why? Edited January 10, 2020 by Ambereyes Link to post Share on other sites
Author sadjohnny27 Posted January 10, 2020 Author Share Posted January 10, 2020 2 hours ago, d0nnivain said: What would you be mad at her for? What exactly do you think SHE did wrong? Your buddy tried to sexually assault her & totally disrespected you. She's victim here. You probably should have told him that you were upset by his behavior. Just blocking is kind of immature. Hopefully he put two & two together but communication goes a long way in any situation. Good for you for choosing your GF though. i was a bit mad at her because i didn’t understand why she didn’t just remove herself from the situation when things started to go wrong. i don’t even want to bother talking to him about his behaviour because he knows that me and my girlfriend love each other a lot and have had a very good relationship for a long time and if he respected that and respected me he wouldn’t have done any of it so he doesn’t even deserve a chance to explain is what i think Link to post Share on other sites
Author sadjohnny27 Posted January 10, 2020 Author Share Posted January 10, 2020 1 hour ago, Ambereyes said: Your friend took out his dick but your GF continued sitting there and talking to him? I have one question, why? Also I dont like the fact they kissed. Albeit she didnt initiate, but she didnt push him away straight way. I also want to ask, why? yes this is why i thought i should get help and ask. those are the main reasons why i’m confused. i talked to her and asked her why and she said she doesn’t know why she didn’t get up and leave and thought that it wouldn’t escalate any further after she said no to touching his dick Link to post Share on other sites
Ambereyes Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 (edited) 11 minutes ago, sadjohnny27 said: i talked to her and asked her why and she said she doesn’t know why she didn’t get up and leave and thought that it wouldn’t escalate any further after she said no to touching his dick Not only did she not get out after the dick incident, she also didnt push him away immediately after the kiss incident. And her answer to them is "I dont know"? I guess it's up to you. But for me, this is not good enough. As a girl myself, doesn't matter if things will escalate or not, I would not be able to keep talking to a guy who sexually assaulted me, let alone let him kiss me for a few seconds, (if it was really just a few seconds). Why would I want to? Why would anyone want to? Edited January 10, 2020 by Ambereyes Link to post Share on other sites
Ambereyes Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 2 hours ago, d0nnivain said: What would you be mad at her for? What exactly do you think SHE did wrong? Your buddy tried to sexually assault her & totally disrespected you. She's victim here. Yes his buddy is disgusting, and she was the victim at the beginning. But, what she did after being assaulted, (continued talking to him and later on let him kiss her) is just...puzzling, if she has no interest in him. Link to post Share on other sites
ajequals Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 (edited) 2 hours ago, Ambereyes said: Your friend took out his dick but your GF continued sitting there and talking to him? I have one question, why? Also I dont like the fact they kissed. Albeit she didnt initiate, but she didnt push him away straight way. I also want to ask, why? I suspect from what I have read and seem watching interviews on tv his girlfriend was in shock and froze. like many women report as they are being assaulted , Hasn't this happen to you in the past? Edited January 10, 2020 by ajequals 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ambereyes Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 She didnt say she was in shock and froze, she said she didnt think things would escalate, meaning she was still comfortable to be his friend. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 Ambereyes It was all part of one big "surprise" Part of what makes sexual predators is that their victims like this girl are too stunned to react. This wasn't a mugger in an alley. This was her BF's buddy. We don't know what this was. She may have thought the guy's initial action of flashing her was a joke but she didn't react until he touched her. I could see myself being dismissive of the lewdness with an "oh put that away" but not getting really upset until the physical happened. We just don't know. But to foist any blame on her in all of this is misplaced & wrong IMO. YMMV 5 Link to post Share on other sites
PinkFlamingo Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 (edited) 3 hours ago, d0nnivain said: Ambereyes It was all part of one big "surprise" Part of what makes sexual predators is that their victims like this girl are too stunned to react. This wasn't a mugger in an alley. This was her BF's buddy. We don't know what this was. She may have thought the guy's initial action of flashing her was a joke but she didn't react until he touched her. I could see myself being dismissive of the lewdness with an "oh put that away" but not getting really upset until the physical happened. We just don't know. But to foist any blame on her in all of this is misplaced & wrong IMO. YMMV Yes, sometimes you are too shocked and confused and don't want to make scene and make the other person lose face. I had friends misbehave and at the moment I just didn't know what to do. If I told anyone now, most people would probably not understand my reactions, but it's a bizarre mental state, don't know how else to describe it. Edited January 10, 2020 by PinkFlamingo 2 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 You are a guy so you don't understand and never will, the fact women go through this all the time. It can be as simple as some church going pervert that pressed himself into me in a waiting area at a restaurant. It was sickening. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, PinkFlamingo said: Yes, sometimes you are too shocked and confused and don't want to make scene and make the other person lose face. I had friends misbehave and at the moment I just didn't know what to do. If I told anyone now, most people would probably not understand my reactions, but it's a bizarre mental state, don't know how else to describe it. This^^^^100% I think also you feel embarrassed that it did happen. Edited January 10, 2020 by smackie9 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sadjohnny27 Posted January 10, 2020 Author Share Posted January 10, 2020 50 minutes ago, smackie9 said: This^^^^100% I think also you feel embarrassed that it did happen. so after talking with her again last night, she is more bothered about what happened now then I am. I have forgiven her and told her that i’m not upset and not mad at her. She feels that i’m not good enough for her and feels ashamed at getting mad at me for things in the past that aren’t as bad as this i guess. She is very very bothered by what happened and she knows she made a mistake not immediately removing herself. Also, she doesn’t want me to tell my friends what happened cause she is afraid they will dislike her and think the worst of the situation where as i think they would forgive her and hate my buddy for even trying anything with my girlfriend Link to post Share on other sites
Legatus Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 2 hours ago, PinkFlamingo said: Yes, sometimes you are too shocked and confused and don't want to make scene and make the other person lose face. I had friends misbehave and at the moment I just didn't know what to do. If I told anyone now, most people would probably not understand my reactions, but it's a bizarre mental state, don't know how else to describe it. I think you need to tell her what @d0nnivain and @PinkFlamingo wrote here. It's the female perspective that, to be honest, we guys sometimes do not understand. Those things do not happen to us, so it's easy to assume. Please make sure that you comfort her in that situation. It seems she is really bothered by it even though it was the other guy who was a bellend... 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 13 minutes ago, sadjohnny27 said: so after talking with her again last night, she is more bothered about what happened now then I am. I have forgiven her and told her that i’m not upset and not mad at her. She feels that i’m not good enough for her and feels ashamed at getting mad at me for things in the past that aren’t as bad as this i guess. She is very very bothered by what happened and she knows she made a mistake not immediately removing herself. Also, she doesn’t want me to tell my friends what happened cause she is afraid they will dislike her and think the worst of the situation where as i think they would forgive her and hate my buddy for even trying anything with my girlfriend Why is she blaming herself? By failing to call him out for this gross behavior, she is enabling him to prey on more victims. Suggest she look at the Jeffery Epstein & Harvey Weinstein stuff again. There is a famous quote by Edmund Burke which I'm paraphrasing: "All it takes for evil to triumph is for good [people] to do nothing." She has to call him out for what he did or at least you do to champion her. Your former buddy has to learn boundaries & the consequences for crossing them. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sadjohnny27 Posted January 10, 2020 Author Share Posted January 10, 2020 3 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: Why is she blaming herself? By failing to call him out for this gross behavior, she is enabling him to prey on more victims. Suggest she look at the Jeffery Epstein & Harvey Weinstein stuff again. There is a famous quote by Edmund Burke which I'm paraphrasing: "All it takes for evil to triumph is for good [people] to do nothing." She has to call him out for what he did or at least you do to champion her. Your former buddy has to learn boundaries & the consequences for crossing them. She blames herself because she feels like she should’ve removed herself from the situation immediately and regrets not doing it. She feels that she should share some of the blame because she didn’t act right away and she wishes he never kissed her and feels that she won’t be forgiven for it happening for literally 2-3 seconds then she turned around and walked upstairs Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 Tell her I said she's wrong. Again it was a shocking thing. She needs to ease up on herself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Bobbyb82 Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 It doesn't sound like she did anything wrong to me.. Your friend needs his ass whipped though. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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