Pin3Hot Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 Greetings! I am new to the site, so please keep in mind I'm not well versed in some of the short hand abbreviations. I am a 29 year old male, and feel alone in my current dilemma. Although, I hope my situation is not that unique. I've been working in my dream career for 6yrs now, and have been with my current girlfriend for two of those years. My job tends to be very difficult for her, as it takes me out of town around 150 days per year and can often be very sporadic. It makes it difficult for us to plan things, and I tend to miss birthdays, anniversaries, and have to cancel established plans. I understand this is a difficult sacrifice for her, as she's not the most independent person. In the past I've sought partners that were very independent and career driven. The relationships always failed after a year. As we move forward, I'm having difficulty with the compromises I need to make. Until recently, I had felt that the amount of compromises we each were making were equal. She accepts my professional life, and I accept that she's not able to be that exciting of partner. I've never wanted kids or the traditional family life, but I've fallen in love with someone with a young child. As we discuss the idea of living together it really scares me. I'm going have to move out of the area I love, and nearly change my entire way of life. My job limits my dating options, and I'm often told I run away from stable relationships. Am I being unreasonable or selfish? Am I setting up a scenario for resentment? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 Change is scary but it offers new opportunities. Until you try you won't know. What do you mean you have to change your entire way of life? You will still have your job. You will still travel for work. Just when you are home, you will come home to her & the child. You will have a home. Stuff will get done at your house while you are not there. OK, you will have to cognizant of the child but you will hopefully be loved by that child. You will grow toward being a family. If it doesn't work out, you break up & you go back to being the carefree bachelor. I really don't see wholesale lifestyle changes here. You already date her so it won't be that radical of a shift. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pin3Hot Posted January 10, 2020 Author Share Posted January 10, 2020 So it would be more accurate to say entirely change my personal life.To start with, I've been shopping for a house for the past year. Where I want to live totally conflicts with where she needs to be. My social life is very much tied to where I currently am, and us living together would require me moving pretty far out of the city - due to the quality of schools. Leaving my cool, fun, artist community to move out into the suburbs makes it not only more challenging, but more expensive to maintain my current activities and friendships. I have absolutely zero privacy or personal space with my job. For lack of a better term, I'm a full-time Roadie. I share a tour bus with nine other people, weeks at a time, putting on arena level concerts across the country. When I come home I really value having at least a few days of quiet private time to recover. I just don't see that happening. When working in town I'm going to be expected to go school plays, ballet recitals, and other events instead of coming home to relax after work. I'm only going to be able to do 'kid friendly' activities until after her child is in bed. No rated R movies or TV shows, having far less adult get togethers, and having to constantly being thinking about not saying something inappropriate in front of an 8 yr old. Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 You have to decide what compromises you are willing to make. There's nothing wrong with not wanting to upend your life to accommodate someone else's needs. To me, it means that although you may love her, it's not deep enough or important enough to you to take the step of fully committing. Hesitation and a few doubts are normal - but if it goes beyond that, then I think the answer is this is not "the" relationship for you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 It sounds like you are not willing to live with the child. That is a valid choice. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pin3Hot Posted January 10, 2020 Author Share Posted January 10, 2020 You're correct. This is the challenge for me. A lasting relationship is SO much more complicated than simply falling in love. Speaking somewhat rhetorically, how does one begin to quantify such things? She's making one big compromise in her life, where as I feel like I'm making a ton of small and medium compromises. Every step forward just continues chip away at me. As I mentioned before, my job carries a greater burden than many partners are willing to bear. Having finally found someone that I love, who supports me in that aspect of my life, I don't want to just give up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pin3Hot Posted January 10, 2020 Author Share Posted January 10, 2020 11 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: It sounds like you are not willing to live with the child. That is a valid choice. d0nnivain, that is the spanner in the works. As I said I've never planned on that type of life. However, I've found that living in the southeast a lot of the dating pool is singe mothers. Totally swearing it off as an option drastically reduces my already limited options. I don't like to speak in generalities, that's just been my experience over the past 6 years. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 Why do you & the mom have to live together? Maintain your place. Spend time with her when you can & see what happens when the little tyke gets a bit older. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pin3Hot Posted January 10, 2020 Author Share Posted January 10, 2020 9 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: Why do you & the mom have to live together? Maintain your place. Spend time with her when you can & see what happens when the little tyke gets a bit older. d0nnivain, it is my girlfriend's opinion that if our relationship is to continue growing we need to move in together. I think part of that is because she currently lives with her mother, and can't necessarily afford to live alone. She has no support from the Childs father or other family. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 You are 29, not 79+. Life is not over, you don't need to accept this relationship as if it is your last chance... You are not nearly ready to move to the 'burbs, in fact you may never be... Sounds like you are being emotionally blackmailed and manipulated by this woman who wants you to provide for her and her child. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pin3Hot Posted January 10, 2020 Author Share Posted January 10, 2020 50 minutes ago, elaine567 said: You are 29, not 79+. Life is not over, you don't need to accept this relationship as if it is your last chance... You are not nearly ready to move to the 'burbs, in fact you may never be... Sounds like you are being emotionally blackmailed and manipulated by this woman who wants you to provide for her and her child. I don't think it's quite that. It's pretty expensive where we live, and living alone isn't really an option for the majority of people here. Even if one is to live outside of the city, rent is still about 50-60% of a single income earner's expenses. The only thing I would really be "providing" is an affordable place to live. She also does a lot for me, such as looking after my pet and even cleaning my house while I'm gone. To her point of living together, we would most likely have more opportunities to do things together because her mom would be more available to watch her daughter. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 You have to decide whether you actually want to be a parent and all that entails in the 'burbs, (I guess as the young child grows your responsibility as a father will also grow).or do you want to continue to the max with your roadie career and hang out in a cool place with your creative friends. Sounds like you cannot really do both for much longer. Seems like she is in no mood to keep being strung along, so it is make your mind up time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 If you don't want to have children, I don't understand why you are contemplating changing a big portion of your life to accommodate a child. Personally I don't want kids - and I couldn't imagine happily being a step parent, nor that I wouldn't grow resentful making a bunch of unwanted life style changes to make MY life work for a kid that isn't mine. School plays after being exhausted from a long tour? Ugh stick a fork in my eye! A HUGE part of a successful long term relationship is a common vision for the future. She wants a house in the burbs, near good schools to live a happy family life - a life that revolves around raising a child. You sound like my husband and I, in that we enjoy urban living, and all of the social outlets that come with it. IS THIS REALLY WHAT YOU WANT? To be a step dad in the suburbs living near your step mother? I think you will really regret settling - because that is exactly what you are doing. You have much of your life ahead of you - and this move to the burbs, bringing a woman and her kid into your home is a fork in the road. It seems like you are choosing the path you know you don't want because you just don't want to look any more. Just because relationships with career women didn't work in the past, doesn't mean that one won't work in the future. Do you think it was the fact that they were career driven killed the relationship? Or was it other variables? My guess it wasn't the fact that they worked hard on their careers that caused it not to work out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Foxhall Posted January 11, 2020 Share Posted January 11, 2020 (edited) 4 hours ago, Pin3Hot said: I have absolutely zero privacy or personal space with my job. For lack of a better term, I'm a full-time Roadie. I share a tour bus with nine other people, weeks at a time, putting on arena level concerts across the country. When I come home I really value having at least a few days of quiet private time to recover. I just don't see that happening. quiet time can be overrated too, it can also be good to have someone to go home too, Im guessing your not quite ready though so maybe letting her go is your best option currently, its vaguely similar to my situation- seeing a lady with a young child likely to be pushing soon for a more permanent arrangement, Im 10 years older than you though and feel its now or never- lol,- ready to embrace and commit to all that entails If I was in your shoes Id probably hold off. Edited January 11, 2020 by Foxhall Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 11, 2020 Share Posted January 11, 2020 6 hours ago, Pin3Hot said: I think part of that is because she currently lives with her mother, and can't necessarily afford to live alone. She has no support from the Childs father or other family. A not insignificant red flag. She’s pushing for something good for her, not necessarily good for you and the relationship. Even if moving in together is the right thing, you’d be doing it for the wrong reason... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pin3Hot Posted January 11, 2020 Author Share Posted January 11, 2020 6 hours ago, RecentChange said: If you don't want to have children, I don't understand why you are contemplating changing a big portion of your life to accommodate a child. Personally I don't want kids - and I couldn't imagine happily being a step parent, nor that I wouldn't grow resentful making a bunch of unwanted life style changes to make MY life work for a kid that isn't mine. School plays after being exhausted from a long tour? Ugh stick a fork in my eye! A HUGE part of a successful long term relationship is a common vision for the future. She wants a house in the burbs, near good schools to live a happy family life - a life that revolves around raising a child. You sound like my husband and I, in that we enjoy urban living, and all of the social outlets that come with it. IS THIS REALLY WHAT YOU WANT? To be a step dad in the suburbs living near your step mother? I think you will really regret settling - because that is exactly what you are doing. You have much of your life ahead of you - and this move to the burbs, bringing a woman and her kid into your home is a fork in the road. It seems like you are choosing the path you know you don't want because you just don't want to look any more. Just because relationships with career women didn't work in the past, doesn't mean that one won't work in the future. Do you think it was the fact that they were career driven killed the relationship? Or was it other variables? My guess it wasn't the fact that they worked hard on their careers that caused it not to work out. To answer your first question. I'm considering the change, because I really do love my girlfriend and want to spend the rest of my life with her. You are correct. I do want a life like that of you and your husband. Ultimately, she wants the same things too. They're just 10 years or so down the road. In her mind this is just a temporary thing. As her daughter ages, and our incomes grow we would move back to the city. There are good options for private high school here, just not K – 8th. Where she is the optimist in the relationship, I tend to see all the ways this could go tits up. It's not to say I don't like her kid. She's very sweet and fun to spend time with, but in controlled scenarios. I even enjoy going to her plays, at times. I just like being able to do it on my terms. Despite what my girlfriend says, I just don't see myself having much of a choice in the matter if we're living together. While she does understand how exhausting my job is, her daughter is never going to get that. Maybe I shouldn't make such assumptions, but living together (kids or not) expectations are bound to change. Finally, I would say no. Past relationships haven't failed solely b/c my previous partners were career focused. Some just weren't good fits. The common thread has been they aren't willing to deal with me being gone all the time, and my work taking priority over the relationship. Those focused on their own careers, were sympathetic to the situation and did not resent me for it. It just eventually turned into a scheduling conflict. We never saw each other b/c we were both too busy working. I'm not saying it couldn't work out, just that it hasn't. The other issue is that my personal goals and values are out of step with a lot of people in my area. While it's urban, the culture here is still trends towards traditional family values. So if I was to say "I'm only interested in dating strong, open minded women, who never want kids," that's a very small minority of the dating pool. Then factor in how many of those women are willing to tolerate having a partner who is gone 40% of the year, that margin shrinks exponentially. I feel luck to have someone that I love, who not only tolerates this but actually supports me in my career choice. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pin3Hot Posted January 11, 2020 Author Share Posted January 11, 2020 5 hours ago, Foxhall said: quiet time can be overrated too, it can also be good to have someone to go home too, Im guessing your not quite ready though so maybe letting her go is your best option currently, its vaguely similar to my situation- seeing a lady with a young child likely to be pushing soon for a more permanent arrangement, Im 10 years older than you though and feel its now or never- lol,- ready to embrace and commit to all that entails If I was in your shoes Id probably hold off. You don't inspire optimism for me. LOL I imagine this type of thing only becomes more challenging with age. Obviously things could change, but I don't know that I'll ever be more ready for it. If anything I imagine this being more difficult as I get older, seeing as I will have far less energy. I do want someone to come home time. I'm ready to start sharing my life with someone. The challenge with a young kid is they just have no concept of what exhaustion is like. When I come home from a tour, I really need at least a solid 24hr of recovery time. An 8yr old isn't going to get that, and why should they? The first morning her daughter can she's going to want to run in to our room and jump on our bed, wake me up, and tell me how much she missed me. It's very sweet, and you can't scold them for being happy to see you. I do appreciate the insight. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted January 11, 2020 Share Posted January 11, 2020 4 hours ago, Pin3Hot said: The other issue is that my personal goals and values are out of step with a lot of people in my area. While it's urban, the culture here is still trends towards traditional family values. So if I was to say "I'm only interested in dating strong, open minded women, who never want kids," that's a very small minority of the dating pool. Then factor in how many of those women are willing to tolerate having a partner who is gone 40% of the year, that margin shrinks exponentially. I feel luck to have someone that I love, who not only tolerates this but actually supports me in my career choice. You have painted yourself into a corner. The relationship parameters you have outlined are like hitting the lottery. I honestly do not know what you will choose. You bounce back and forth between your preference for your artsy friends and love for your rather dull but stable girl friend. You seem to have a good handle on the arguments for and against but your emotions and need to have someone fill that role as a romantic partner keeps you on the fence. You've tried to compromise or at least thought about it and it makes you hesitate. Why are you not pursuing women from own social caste? Someone who would tolerate your travel for an opportunity to be a part an arts community. Are the opportunities there even less? I think no matter how you approach this aspect of your life - your life will have to change. Not many women will tolerate your absences. Your choices are exceedingly small. You can embrace that change on your own terms or allow father time to further reduce your options. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 11, 2020 Share Posted January 11, 2020 7 hours ago, Pin3Hot said: I do want someone to come home time. I'm ready to start sharing my life with someone. Get a dog. Your priorities, which you’re certainly entitled to, simply don’t align with family life. There’s no substitute for being there and, despite what she says, your GF will eventually resent both your absences and need to decompress. Right now, I’d guess her focus is on your ability to change her living situation. Unless a job and/or travel schedule change is on the horizon, don’t like your chances... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 11, 2020 Share Posted January 11, 2020 15 hours ago, Pin3Hot said: She also does a lot for me, such as looking after my pet and even cleaning my house while I'm gone. Get a pet sitter and a cleaner... Link to post Share on other sites
lana-banana Posted January 11, 2020 Share Posted January 11, 2020 The thing about relationship compromises is that they aren't always equal and they're rarely simultaneous. Sometimes one partner has to make sacrifices for a few years, and then it's the other's turn. Do you know anyone who's married to a doctor? The years they spend making pennies in residency can be incredibly hard on the partner/spouse, but then the sacrifice hopefully pays off. You talk about the compromises you'll have to make, but she's already sacrificing a ton. She is essentially a single parent for half the year while you're traveling and knows she can't count on you for birthdays, anniversaries, and special occasions. That is hard for anyone to swallow but it's especially tough for a single parent. It's perfectly understandable that she wants more stability as her child grows older. Everything she's said sounds rational. My husband and I met in the government under similar circumstances - we had jobs that frequently took us out of the country at unpredictable times. Yeah, it really was a dream job for both of us, but even a dream job felt sour when it made being together so hard. After a while we realized we would rather be on a date than jumping on planes at 1 AM. So we both left. This, I think, is the key to your issue: we wanted to be together more than we wanted to do the work. If you don't think you love her more than you love your career, or if you think the resentment over losing your career will outweigh how much you want to be with her, then this ultimately isn't the relationship for you. It's fine to be afraid of change. It's less fine to think that the change may impact whether your relationship survives. (Side note: you may want to think about relocating anyway. I live in the center of a major city, and career-driven women who don't want kids [myself included] are the norm. I think you could absolutely find someone who felt the same way about her work as you do about yours. But when you love someone, really and seriously love someone, work tends to take a backseat.) 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 12, 2020 Share Posted January 12, 2020 10 hours ago, lana-banana said: She is essentially a single parent for half the year while you're traveling and knows she can't count on you for birthdays, anniversaries, and special occasions. That is hard for anyone to swallow but it's especially tough for a single parent. It's perfectly understandable that she wants more stability as her child grows older. Everything she's said sounds rational. Not only isn’t it his child, but he’s ambivalent about having a kid in his life. He’s only dating a single mom due to a lack of childless candidates. I wouldn’t pencil him in for the birthday party yet... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
submart Posted January 12, 2020 Share Posted January 12, 2020 I don't think you are going to be able to have it ALL long-term. Live in the city, have time to relax and enjoy your social circle, travel a ton for work, and date a woman with a kid. If you move to the suburbs- you will stay there. Trust me. If you want to keep your job then that will be your #1 priority always. If the girl is your #1 priority then change jobs. What is MOST important to you? If job = date somebody with no kids and live in city OR be single. If girl = get a job that requires little to no travel. I say this as I work with people who are married to their jobs. And have families and wives. The wives and kids always recognize they are second. However, there is a lot of regret and missed opportunties involved. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted January 12, 2020 Share Posted January 12, 2020 The suburban parent lifestyle is vastly different from the lifestyle you describe wanting to live. You and your GF are not compatible as long term partners unless you're willing to embrace the burbs and child centric activities. I'm sure she's willing to move back to the city ...someday...later...when XYZ happens. Being realistic, many people say this and few actually follow through. By the time the kid(s) launches they're often unwilling to leave the home they've lived in for so long, their friends, their job, etc. When I met my DH he lived in a different city. He'd never been married and did not have kids. He didn't even have friends with kids. I was coming out of my first marriage and had 2 children, then 6 and 1 year olds. To make our relationship work he had to do a lot of compromising. A lot. Living with and building a life with someone who has a child is different from dating someone with a child. Long story short-ish, between work, living in the burbs, and the general lifestyle differences between being a dating guy and being a family guy, most of DH's former friends drifted away. Free time was a precious commodity and they didn't really have anything in common anymore. The life he lived as a single guy and the life he's lived as a family guy (before and after we married) are vastly different. He's not unhappy with his choice. He feels we, the kids and I, gave him a reason, a purpose, and saved him from the life of a wastrel. He wanted to someday have a family, he wasn't exactly thrilled with his lifestyle, and he was ready to settle down and become a husband and father. I'm not saying don't do it, but I am saying don't do it unless you think this woman and her child are worth the sacrifice of taking on a ready-made family. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
gaius Posted January 12, 2020 Share Posted January 12, 2020 I moved to an area that was ranked pretty close to Detroit economically a few years ago to be with my wife. Had to take jobs I never in a million years thought I'd be doing and that offer me less than zero job satisfaction. But there's never been any conflict about it. Being with her is what I want with my life and that's just the price tag that comes with it. The fact you're this conflicted about it, before you've even tasted compromise, that's not a good sign for your future with this woman. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
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