JEG88 Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 So I've been dating my current girlfriend for a few months. Things have been awesome except for one thing - she drinks a lot more frequently than I do. Mostly work parties and with her girlfriends when they go out to eat. It hasn't really been an issue so far because she's pretty aware of when she gets tipsy and cuts herself off. But tonight she called me and was clearly drunk after post-holiday work dinner party she attended. She got home safely and all, but I had a long, busy day at work and I was honestly tired and annoyed at having to deal with it over the phone as she was in an Uber on the way home. It was a sloppy conversation and I ended it saying I had to get to bed early with a minor headache (which I do have). I don't mind drinking socially once in a while, but I don't enjoy doing it too often. And we actually don't drink much when we're together, just sporadically when we meet up with friends. I just don't want it to become a thing where my tolerance for "going out for drinks" runs out and goes against how she does it more often than me. (I'm also big into fitness so that drives my perspective on drinking too much.) How can I best draw that boundary for us to come to an understanding? We've had a great time together without drinking being a thing for our relationship, but I know she likes to do it with friends and coworkers. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 I'm struggling to see the problem here. She's not an alcoholic and knows her limits. She doesn't drink excessively. If you don't want her to drink as much as she already does then just tell her. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Legatus Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 You don't enjoy it too often, that's fair, but why are you trying to impose it on her? She's not an alcoholic or anything like that. Does it bother you that she goes out more often than you and has fun? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 She drinks only on occasion with her friends. She mostly stops drinking when she's tipsy but once in a while gets drunk. She gets home safely and even calls you so that you know she's on her way home. I fail to see what the problem is. And what kind of boundary are you imagining? I guess you could have a boundary where she doesn't call you after she's been out, but I'm not sure what else you could be imagining. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
NomiMalone Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 I don’t mean to sound harsh but unfortunately I don’t think this bodes well for your relationship. Sounds like drinking is part of her lifestyle, and you may in time become resentful of her “sloppy conversations”, which isn’t fair on her. Similarly she might see you as judgemental of her drinking, which isn’t fair on you. She’s done nothing wrong in this case, and neither have you. If you stay in a relationship with her, you’ll have to accept that these “sloppy conversations” will happen at least from time to time. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
lana-banana Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 She doesn't usually drink to excess, isn't drinking alone, and doesn't have a problem. The one recent time she did get drunk was at a holiday party and the worst thing she did was...call you. Because she was thinking about you. Yes, perhaps it's annoying, but it's not like you had to hold her hair back while she vomited. You have every right to reject anyone for any reason. If you need to be with someone who fully or almost totally abstains, that's your prerogative. But this appeara to be more about your own judgmental opinions than her behavior (which appears to be moderate by your own description). I would not infer that I was dating a sloppy drunk because they had one too many at the annual holiday party. If you truly can't stand the idea of putting up with this even once or twice a year then, yeah, you have to end things. Otherwise you should spend some time working on your own attitudes. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 You clearly think that her present level of consumption is excessive. You don't like drinking & you don't want to deal with an inebriated GF. You are allowed to want that. You can tell her how you feel but it's up to her how to process that info. The minute you say any version of drink less or I'm outta here, you are controlling her. You can only decide if you like her enough to continue dating her no matter how much she drinks. If the answer is you don't want to deal with the level of inebriation you encountered yesterday, she's not the girl for you. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Blind-Sided Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 The simple answer is... you don't try to fix it. OK... you may like her, but you have only known her for a short time. SO... you can't try to change her at this point. And unfortunately, with alcohol, it can become a touchy situation. I have lost 2 people close to me to alcohol. With my cousin, I took him to rehab a few times, and he knew that he needed to stop... but he didn't. He passed away in his mid 40's, and his son has become one of my "Kids" so to speak. (His mom is alive, but he turns to me for real advice) I would love to give you some magical answer... but the truth is... if it bothers you, and you don't think it's just because if the holidays... then you should just cut your losses now, before it becomes your problem both emotionally, and financially. I wish you luck with your path. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 (edited) Yes... I dated one woman who drank a little too much for me. The "sloppy conversations" became tiresome and distracting, so I cut her loose. It's a shame because otherwise she was a great catch. In the end, I found someone better and the same will happen for you. NEXT!! Edited January 10, 2020 by Happy Lemming spelling 3 Link to post Share on other sites
introverted1 Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 I tend to agree with Happy Lemming. When people get drunk, they seem to think they are much more enchanting than they are, and phone calls with drunk people are rarely pleasant. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 Life is too serious....love too mysterious.... That being said....I'm out... TFY Link to post Share on other sites
GoreSP Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 Social drinkers don’t understand the non drinker’s struggle. Your girlfriend’s drinking doesn’t seem problematic on paper but if it bothers you now, it’ll bother you more and more. That being said, your better off finding someone who doesn’t drink or drinks very little. It wouldn’t be ok for you to try and control how much she is drinking unless it does becomes problematic. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Daisydooks Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 (edited) It sounds like this could be something that is a deal-breaker for you and if it is, that is fair. I left my ex after 12 years because I couldn't handle his excessive abuse of both alcohol and drugs. He didnt want to change and he didnt have to, despite what I may have wanted. It wasnt up to me. It made me hyper sensitive to dealing with any amount of alcohol or drug consumption by my partner. It is my right not to want to deal with it. It is not my right to tell my partner what to do. I just don't have any time for it. I just simply don't put up with anybody who needs to drink frequently and decided so many years ago. I dont care what anyone else does, but I dont need it in my own life and prefer a sober lifestyle all around. I attend parties and get togethers all the time. I drink water or pop or whatever non alcoholic drinks around around. I enjoy having fun and being out until the wee hours with friends. I also love being able to drive myself home sober. Lol. I love not waking up hungover and having the ability to go rock climbing at 8am feeling lovely. Those things are important to me. In my past, I either waited on my hungover partner to wake up, or would do things alone on weekends and that stopped working for me. I do not get the idea that she drinks excessively here and she sounds different than my ex but you are allowed to decide that it is too much for you even if its twice a year she gets tipsy. If you dont like it, dont put up with it. What you are not allowed to decide is whether she lives her own life and makes her own decisions. You do you, but allow her to do her. That may mean you guys go separate ways here. Edited January 10, 2020 by Daisydooks Additions Link to post Share on other sites
Poutrew Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 Right now I have a half consumed bottle of wine in the fridge. It's been there since Halloween... what would bother me about dating a girl like yours is that I know that bottle wont be there in a week, let alone 2 months... that would annoy me. I'd cut her loose... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Daisydooks Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 32 minutes ago, GoreSP said: Social drinkers don’t understand the non drinker’s struggle. Your girlfriend’s drinking doesn’t seem problematic on paper but if it bothers you now, it’ll bother you more and more. That being said, your better off finding someone who doesn’t drink or drinks very little. It wouldn’t be ok for you to try and control how much she is drinking unless it does becomes problematic. Even if it does become problematic, it's not his place to fix it or change it. As an adult, that is her job and choice. As I said above, his choice is to stay or go. He doesnt get to decide what too much alcohol for her looks like. Ever. She is able to make her own decisions for herself. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 Depends upon what your boundary is. If your boundary is "you can't drink anymore and you have be like me and teetotal like I do", then you're telling her you reject her if she doesn't change... and if that's the case, then this relationship is over except for the breaking up. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
PRW Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 To the original message: Lead by example and see if she follows. If she gets to the point of being an alcoholic then break if off, but if it stays within reason then leave it be. I dont'see anythign too hard to figure out about this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
fromheart Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 If a woman tells a man to stop drinking or no more relationship, this is acceptable. In this age of equality, it is therefore acceptable the other way round. If she can't give up a habit that will eventually ruin her health, for the sake o your relationship, she is not relationship material. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Daisydooks Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 4 minutes ago, fromheart said: If a woman tells a man to stop drinking or no more relationship, this is acceptable. In this age of equality, it is therefore acceptable the other way round. If she can't give up a habit that will eventually ruin her health, for the sake o your relationship, she is not relationship material. No, its not acceptable. I am a woman and its not acceptable for me to tell another adult how to behave. It is acceptable for me to leave. She doesnt even sound like she knows he is upset by it so, you suggest he speak to her about it? That may be a good start, but telling her she isnt allowed to drink is ridiculous. Also, it doesnt sound like she consumes alcohol regularly enough to worry about. He doesnt like it but it doesnt sound like she is consuming alcohol the way an alcoholic would, so how would you know its affecting her health? Even if she were a raging alcoholic, it isnt up to him to tell her what she is and isnt allowed to do. Not sure what women you've encountered, but I do not find it acceptable to tell a man what he can and cannot do. I make my own choices 100% and if I dont want to deal with something, I dont. If I have children, and my husband decides alcohol is more important than his family, I dont get to tell him his HAS TO stop. I simply make my own decision to stop allowing it around me and my children. His decision is to continue drinking or get sober. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 If you can accept her drinking habits, then I think what you did was perfect - simply disengage with her when she's drunk or too tipsy to hold your interest. Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 11 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said: If you can accept her drinking habits, then I think what you did was perfect - simply disengage with her when she's drunk or too tipsy to hold your interest. The problem with this(by my own experience), is that with these types of people, something is eventually going to happen...Doesn't matter if its drugs, weed. alcohol, etc.. The car will wind up in a ditch, the dog will be left outside loose after she passes out, something burns in the house, etc...Its all not a matter of if, its a matter of when.. BTW, I am not talking about the type of folks that may have a beer watching the game, or a glass of wine with dinner..But if someone gets to a point of sloppy speech, vomiting ,etc..then its gonna go awry at some point....I know I wouldn't want any part of it.. TFY 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 I tend to agree that calling one's boyfriend drunk isn't a great sign. I can think of once I did this in my whole life, when I was fairly new to drinking and inexperienced with the matter. Beyond that, it's definitely an orange flag suggesting poor self-control. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GoreSP Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 2 hours ago, Daisydooks said: Even if it does become problematic, it's not his place to fix it or change it. As an adult, that is her job and choice. As I said above, his choice is to stay or go. He doesnt get to decide what too much alcohol for her looks like. Ever. She is able to make her own decisions for herself. I disagree. If your partner's drinking habits become unhealthy, and abusive you should say something. There are guidelines for what constitutes alcoolism. Link to post Share on other sites
Gr8fuln2020 Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 From the OP's original post, I get the sense that they are not together every day, so is he certain she ONLY drinks and gets tipsy when with friends? She could be restraining herself when she is with him. The fact that she gets tipsy (DRUNK) when she goes out with her friends is an indicator of a problem. Alcoholic or not...still a concern. All kinds of things can and do go wrong when under the influence. I would be worried about that. OP, have a concerning talk about how you are concerned about her and the relationship all together. You do have the right to be with someone who is health and has healthy behaviours. What she is doing is not healthy. I know you have been dating for a few months, but this would definitely be a values issue for me. Not the drinking of alcohol, rather, the frequency and subsequent desire to become inebriated. I would also wonder what kind of influence her friends are. Just my 2-cents. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 1 hour ago, fromheart said: If a woman tells a man to stop drinking or no more relationship, this is acceptable. No, it's not acceptable. It's controlling. If a woman doesn't like it, then she needs to make up her mind to leave. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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