my ex girlfriend messaging me again.

[albert35]

I have broke up with my love of life 1 week ago. she was in pain by her mother abusing her, she was crying because of her mother’s abuse on her. it was very painful for me to see tears in her eyes. I abuse her mother in front of my GF. suddenly my GF changed the side and start abusing me for my abusing her mother. she said to me that it is our family matter. we fight a lot and after all, we broke up our relation and we both committed that we will never back again. her mother don’t likes me. and she can’t leave her mother.
Now from the last two days, she is messaging me again and telling me that she can’t leave without me. in two days she send 250 + messages to me. she wants me to back in her life, she is crying and asking for forgiveness. she is promising me that she will never abuse and not angry with me. am in so suffocating condition. What should I do now? please give me some advice. Thanks for your time.

[PegNosePete]

If I were you I'd block her and move on. That kind of behaviour does not deserve a 2nd chance.

 

[albert35]

but the problem is that i am feeling died without her. i love her so much.

[d0nnivain]

250 message is 2 days?!!   WTF?  Doesn't your GF have a life?  That is obsessive.  It indicates a high degree of mental illness. 

It was lovely that you wanted to champion your GF but she is absolutely correct.  You had no place "abusing" her mother on her behalf.  As a supportive BF at best you should have comforted her, dried her tears & offered constructive steps for her to remove herself from an intolerable situation or how to fix it. 

What exactly was this so called abuse?  You said the mother doesn't like you.  If this was mom enforcing a curfew or suggesting that the daughter should date someone other than you, that is not abuse.  Every disagreement between family members even ones that involve yelling are not abusive.  If mom was physically hurting your GF then you should have called the cops.  Everything else was not your purview. 

Get back together with your GF & stay out of her family dynamic.  

[albert35]

her mom wants to marry her daughter against my gf wish. that's why i abuse to her mother. i also said to her that i can afford you and ready to marry you, then why are you facing your mother and siblings abuse. she always replies that she is trying to convince her family for accepting you and she don't want to lose her family. 

[albert35]

i know she loves me more but she want to have both sides.

[d0nnivain]

I think I picked up on the fact that English is not your native language so I'm going to assume that the word "abuse" should not be taken literally here.   

That said I think the problem is mom doesn't approve of you.  You & your GF are from a culture where parental / family approval is required & now you don't know what to do because your GF is not strong enough to defy her family & marry you for love.   Is there any way you can persuade the parents to accept you?  Is there a well respected elder or religious leader who can intervene on your behalf?  

Being hostile to the mom, "abusing" the mom for upsetting your GF or even being impolite to the mom will have the opposite effect.  You need to be on your best behavior to show the mom that you are the right man for her daughter. 

[albert35]

@d0nnivain yes my English is poor. am really sorry for that and thanks for understanding it.
I already have tried my best to impress her mom but she always replies that "please leave my daughter". sometimes i give up to her mother decision but at the end we both can't live without eachother.
 

[schlumpy]

As a person that speaks on one language with smattering of German you nothing to apologize for with your use of English. I understand what you are saying.

I don't know what good answer there is. This is a cultural dynamic and doesn't necessarily have to make logical sense and thus it's difficult to resolve in manner that is equitable to all parties involved. 

If you want her then change your approach to the relationship. If you are familiar with move "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" then you remember that the male romantic interest did everything within his power to win her family over. He converted to her religion. He learned the Greek language. He interacted with the family and accepted them. His actions finally won over the reluctant father and this is a path you can walk if you have the right personality for it and your love for this woman is as strong as you indicate it to be.

A second approach is to demonstrate to your girl friend that a life with you will be stable and long-term with many benefits for her which of course means marriage. Grandchildren have smoothed over a lot of bad family feelings. Convince her to choose you. Once you get her over the line then the ball will be in her family's court. Once they see she is happy and that you to do not need them they may relent and want to be a part of your lives.

I'm guessing that your girlfriend is not independent and living on her own as in she has her own life separate from you and her family. So if she commits to you when the family disapproves she will be burning her bridges and you will be her only lifeline. If for whatever reason you fail her in the future she will not be a enviable position. This is a big choice for her and you need to recognize that.

[albert35]

she is going mad to talk with me. in last three days she send me more than 500 messages. even i have blocked her number on whatsapp but she is sending messages of forgivness on sim card. am in so suffocating condition.