Am I overthinking?

[BeanQueen22]

I'm hoping to find some perspective from anyone who has ever cheated on their former spouse & then moved on to another relationship. 

A little background. My current boyfriend of 17 months, was married/ together with his ex-wife for nearly 25 years. He was in law enforcement which provided him the ability to be away from home & had multiple affairs. These affairs not only cost him his employment (prisoned for misconduct) but also his family. Separated/divorced two + years when we met.

Fast forward. Our relationship is perfect. And I do mean, perfect! When I get in my head sometimes I often wonder why he is loyal to me. I know for certain he is. He'll tell me it's because he's older now. He's learned his lesson. He recognizes there is too much to lose & was fortunate enough to find love again etc. (Prison for 5 years may do that to someone.) What I can't get past, & I never say this to him...When discussing our relationship or our future & I talk in "what ifs", it seems he forgets his past.  He'll say things like 'I'm not like that'. "That's not who I am". "I would never do that." "I would never hurt you". 

But he is absolutely capable of hurting someone like that. Now he's never done that to me & I have no doubt he loves me tremendously. For the first three weeks of our relationship he was not honest about his past. I'm not stupid & things just seemed too good so I looked into him a bit & found out what I had feared. He wasn't perfect lol. But this showed me he is still capable of being deceiving, though it hasn't presented in nearly 17 months again. 

I guess my question is, could he just be so wrapped up in the here & now that he forgets the character he once had, or am I stupid enough to believe he has changed & we are different from who & what he had before? Do cheaters stop? 

I won't mention it when he says these things bc I don't want to hold him accountable for things that occurred in someone's else's relationship & have him thinking I'm mad at him for it. It just bothers me that he dismisses he completely destroyed the life of his family (though I know he held remorse for a very long time) & that I may hold insecurity because of it. (I don't express that though.) 

He says he cheated for ego. Because he could. Does that change?

[Pleasant-Sage]

If you believe in his transformation to a good person...let his past die. He hasn't forgotten about it and won't ever forget about it. He will no doubt carry the memories of the hell he created for himself for the rest of his life. It's not healthy to constantly remind yourself of your failures which is probably why he doesn't do it.

Will he be a repeat offender? You know him better than us. So, that makes you more capable of answering that question than anyone else here.

The guy did 5 years in prison (as a cop too!) and lost his family. I'd say he has probably done his time. If he is a changed man and you believe it. Let him have his forgiveness.

[BeanQueen22]

Gaeta, that is exactly my fear. 

 

Pleasant-Sage, that is exactly where my heart is. Sometimes though, my morals & my conscience tells me I'm smarter than that. I'm just in my feelings lately

Edited January 11, 2020 by BeanQueen22
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[alphamale]

once a cheater always a cheater, plus he is in law enforcement which means he's an ass**** too

[major_merrick]

Usually, cops are bad news.  Has prison changed the guy?  Doubtful, but only you can really assess.  Much of the time the "once a cheater, always a cheater" holds true.  But he got burned badly enough by his own actions, maybe it fixed it.  Then again, he's not in a position to get burned now, as there aren't any legal penalties if he cheats on you.  As a former cheater, I can tell you that the urge to wander is STILL there.  I'm just more aware of it and I have some ways of relieving that stress that I didn't have before.  Some of us are not capable of monogamy.