Am I overthinking?

[BeanQueen22]

 

I'm hoping to find some perspective from anyone who has ever cheated on their former spouse & then moved on to another relationship. 

A little background. My current boyfriend of 17 months, was married/ together with his ex-wife for nearly 25 years. He was in law enforcement which provided him the ability to be away from home & had multiple affairs. These affairs not only cost him his employment (prisoned for misconduct) but also his family. Separated/divorced two + years when we met.

Fast forward. Our relationship is perfect. And I do mean, perfect! When I get in my head sometimes I often wonder why he is loyal to me. I know for certain he is. He'll tell me it's because he's older now. He's learned his lesson. He recognizes there is too much to lose & was fortunate enough to find love again etc. (Prison for 5 years may do that to someone.) What I can't get past, & I never say this to him...When discussing our relationship or our future & I talk in "what ifs", it seems he forgets his past.  He'll say things like 'I'm not like that'. "That's not who I am". "I would never do that." "I would never hurt you". 

But he is absolutely capable of hurting someone like that. Now he's never done that to me & I have no doubt he loves me tremendously. For the first three weeks of our relationship he was not honest about his past. I'm not stupid & things just seemed too good so I looked into him a bit & found out what I had feared. He wasn't perfect lol. But this showed me he is still capable of being deceiving, though it hasn't presented in nearly 17 months again. 

I guess my question is, could he just be so wrapped up in the here & now that he forgets the character he once had, or am I stupid enough to believe he has changed & we are different from who & what he had before? Do cheaters stop? 

I won't mention it when he says these things bc I don't want to hold him accountable for things that occurred in someone's else's relationship & have him thinking I'm mad at him for it. It just bothers me that he dismisses he completely destroyed the life of his family (though I know he held remorse for a very long time) & that I may hold insecurity because of it. (I don't express that though.) 

He says he cheated for ego. Because he could. Does that change?

[Gaeta]

You need to get your head out of the sand. 

What kind of misconduct gets you 5 years in jail ??

How long ago did he get out of jail?

Among everything he's done you worry about him cheating?? Seems to me you're not seeing the big picture here. 

He's bad news and you should not be dating a man like that! 

Listen: I know a woman that started dating a sex-criminal  coming out of jail. He was wonderful to her and promised he had changed, telling her she was such an amazing woman, and he would never hurt her and they were meant for each other! She dated him close to 2 years when social services took her daughter away, while he was being an amazing boyfriend to her, behind her back he was brainwashing her pre-teen to better sexually molest her. 

 

 

[BeanQueen22]

Not quite sure why you're eluding to him being a convicted sexual offender. I assure you, he's not. Nor do I have any daughters. My concern was about his character regarding cheating. A lot of people have been to prison & still deserve a second chance.

In our state- Official Misconduct of a police officer is a mandatory 5 year sentence. Thanks for your concern & otherwise unsolicited judgement. 

[Gaeta]

I am not eluding he's a convicted sexual offender. I was giving you my opinion based on a true story. My opinion is people RARELY change. People that have cheated, abused, manipulated, fraud for 25 years RARELY become exemplary citizen. cheaters will cheat, rapist will rape. That was my take on it. 

What misconduct? I am not a police officer, I am not familiar with the vocabulary. What exactly did he do? There are policemen doing abominable things, shoot innocents, commit act of racism and they don't end up in jail, even less 5 years.  

Also you have not answered how long ago he came out of jail. 

Edited January 10, 2020 by Gaeta

[elaine567]

So 17 months ago you threw your lot in with a serial cheater and ex-convict... not entirely sure why you would do that?
Now  you seem to be having second thoughts, why is that? Is it just his apparent forgetfulness over stuff he did wrong in the past or are there other things troubling you?

There is a name for forgetting previous bad deeds, it is called "unethical amnesia".

Quote

 People are prone to repeat dishonest acts because the human subconscious deliberately suppresses memories of unethical behavior, scientists have found...
...the amnesia has a protective quality. We hold ourselves to be moral agents in the world, so evidence of wrongdoing creates all sorts of dissonance between our ideas about ourselves and our actual behavior. The unethical amnesia acts like an “adaptive defensive behavior,” helping our egos sidestep unpleasant truths.

 

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, BeanQueen22 said:

...When discussing our relationship or our future & I talk in "what ifs", it seems he forgets his past.  He'll say things like 'I'm not like that'. "That's not who I am". "I would never do that." "I would never hurt you". 

What if...what? 

Are you suggesting to him he could fall back into his old habits? If this is the type of 'what ifs' you're asking then what do you expect him to answer? Of course he'll say something to reassure you. You really think he'd answer he's afraid he'd cheat again? 

[BeanQueen22]

In discussing marriage why I should take a gamble on him. By syncing our lives I would have too much to lose if it did not work out. What he did to his department & his former wife is not my concern, other than if his cheating were to resurface. 

The point of my thread was to ask people who had been married & had affairs, if they were able to go onto successful faithful relationships. 

[Gaeta]

If there were no criminal act, no jail time, no betrayal of his department then cheating could be a phase in a troubled marriage BUT when a man cheats his wife, destroys his kids, betrays his department, cheats society at the same time, when a man has cheated every facets of his life he is NOT gonna change!! it's ingrained in him, it's who he is!!

Right now he's like any other fraud, he's building trust in your relationship, he's blowing you away, once he's got you...watch it !

[usa1ah]

8 hours ago, BeanQueen22 said:

 

I'm hoping to find some perspective from anyone who has ever cheated on their former spouse & then moved on to another relationship. 

A little background. My current boyfriend of 17 months, was married/ together with his ex-wife for nearly 25 years. He was in law enforcement which provided him the ability to be away from home & had multiple affairs. These affairs not only cost him his employment (prisoned for misconduct) but also his family. Separated/divorced two + years when we met.

Fast forward. Our relationship is perfect. And I do mean, perfect! When I get in my head sometimes I often wonder why he is loyal to me. I know for certain he is. He'll tell me it's because he's older now. He's learned his lesson. He recognizes there is too much to lose & was fortunate enough to find love again etc. (Prison for 5 years may do that to someone.) What I can't get past, & I never say this to him...When discussing our relationship or our future & I talk in "what ifs", it seems he forgets his past.  He'll say things like 'I'm not like that'. "That's not who I am". "I would never do that." "I would never hurt you". 

But he is absolutely capable of hurting someone like that. Now he's never done that to me & I have no doubt he loves me tremendously. For the first three weeks of our relationship he was not honest about his past. I'm not stupid & things just seemed too good so I looked into him a bit & found out what I had feared. He wasn't perfect lol. But this showed me he is still capable of being deceiving, though it hasn't presented in nearly 17 months again. 

I guess my question is, could he just be so wrapped up in the here & now that he forgets the character he once had, or am I stupid enough to believe he has changed & we are different from who & what he had before? Do cheaters stop? 

I won't mention it when he says these things bc I don't want to hold him accountable for things that occurred in someone's else's relationship & have him thinking I'm mad at him for it. It just bothers me that he dismisses he completely destroyed the life of his family (though I know he held remorse for a very long time) & that I may hold insecurity because of it. (I don't express that though.) 

He says he cheated for ego. Because he could. Does that change?

Did you know of his past when you started dating or soon after? 
 

if so why did you stay with him. It is obvious you don’t trust him by the answers he is giving you. 

[DKT3]

Unfortunately serial cheater men tend to only stop because they lack the opportunity.  Meaning, he will likely cheat again given that opportunity.  

However,  given that he lost so much (I'm assuming because of his affairs..its a bit vague and unusual) he may have learned his lesson and may very well attempt to be faithful.  Note the word ATTEMPT,  faced with an opportunity his attempts may fall short.

[BeanQueen22]

I found out roughly 3 weeks into our relationship. I first broke it off but he asked me to hear it out & considering I have access to the case, I saw he wasn't lying. Once it was all out in the open it actually brought us closer & he seemed to be so relieved & open about everything he was feeling & stressed about. There were no more lies & he just seemed so relaxed & at ease. We really are a great match. I just feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

13 hours ago, BeanQueen22 said:

I found out roughly 3 weeks into our relationship. I first broke it off but he asked me to hear it out & considering I have access to the case, I saw he wasn't lying. Once it was all out in the open it actually brought us closer & he seemed to be so relieved & open about everything he was feeling & stressed about. There were no more lies & he just seemed so relaxed & at ease. We really are a great match. I just feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Im beginning to notice a trend with people in law enforcement; everybody i know personally who works in law enforcement are serial cheaters and liars... Its kind of hilarious because my friend will tell me all the dirt, all of it, but wont tell his wife a lick of it... Its like he holds our friendship in a more sacred space than his marriage.

When you marry somebody, you dont just marry the person they are, you marry all the people they were and all the people they will become.

Marriage is the most legally significant enterprise you will engage in, probably in your whole life; somebody who looks at this enterprise casually is either a fool or has alterior motives, but probably both. Tread carefully.

Edited January 11, 2020 by CAPSLOCK BANDIT
the gram

[JTSW]

On 1/10/2020 at 7:18 PM, BeanQueen22 said:

He was in law enforcement which provided him the ability to be away from home & had multiple affairs.

He's a serial cheater, which means it wasn't a one off thing. 

On 1/10/2020 at 7:18 PM, BeanQueen22 said:

(prisoned for misconduct)

Says it all about a person.

On 1/10/2020 at 7:18 PM, BeanQueen22 said:

When I get in my head sometimes I often wonder why he is loyal to me. I know for certain he is. He'll tell me it's because he's older now. He's learned his lesson.

Getting older doesn't make cheaters change or loyal. You are going by the word of a man like was locked up for a long time for misconduct. It must have been pretty bad. 

On 1/10/2020 at 7:18 PM, BeanQueen22 said:

But he is absolutely capable of hurting someone like that. Now he's never done that to me & I have no doubt he loves me tremendously.

How do you know he's never done that to you? You don't, and he very likely has.

On 1/10/2020 at 7:18 PM, BeanQueen22 said:

Do cheaters stop? 

No. Especially not serial cheaters.

On 1/10/2020 at 7:18 PM, BeanQueen22 said:

he dismisses that he completely destroyed the life of his family

He doesn't care about anyone but himself.

On 1/10/2020 at 7:18 PM, BeanQueen22 said:

He says he cheated for ego. Because he could. Does that change?

No. He did it multiple times. He'll never stop.

[2BGoodAgain]

That's interesting....

okay...

1) it's good that he recognizes why he did it. Ego cheating = does it b/c he could... but that's in the past, so hopefully, he's grown up a bit since... but also recognize that though he cheated on his prev relationship, b/c he's involving you in this current relationship, you do have the right to know what you're getting yourself into. If you need details of why he cheated, what he did to resolve why he cheated, steps he took so it would help him not do it again... other than sheer will power... then you have a right to know.

2) the reason you wanna know what steps he took (ie. counseling, therapy, etc) is b/c without, he won't know exactly WHY he did what he did that was obviously very destructive to his whole life... hopefully, he got therapy/counseling, so he recognizes why it happened so he can have a better handle on it as to not repeat it. You need to find out about this.

3) i'm curious myself why he went to prison for 5yrs? But that's really none of our business.

4) so as to whether he will cheat on you or destroy your life, as he did previously... depends highly on above #1... did he get therapy/counseling, so he recognizes why he did it... you are in your rights to protect your heart and your life, b/c progressing forward, that's what you'll share with him. I honestly believe he honestly believes he'll do his best not to do it again. Lesson learned. But you need to find out if it's gonna be sheer will power alone or is he blind to the true cause of his self destructive life choices so many years ago.

5) also realize it was so many years ago... our identities are NOT the mistakes we have made... we can learn, we can change, but you also have to be brutally honest with yourself so you can get a handle over whatever issues led us to make such bad choices. right?

6) guys and women too...tend to bury things, b/c we cant handle it at the moment... sometimes, we bury it so deep, we think we never have to deal with it again. but things that are not properly analyzed... has a very high chance of repeating itself, b/c we have made ourselves blind to the true cause... it's easy to see the RESULT of our actions, but many times, we don't know WHY it happened... 

So be fair to him.. b/c he has been faithful and loving etc... but be fair to yourself too... value your heart and your own emotional/mental protection by asking him these hard questions.... if he truly loves you and wants to have a serious long term relationship with you.. he will follow you... and resolve your fears and worries...

Hopefully, he agrees and you two can have a meaningful future.

Good luck to you!

Edited January 16, 2020 by 2BGoodAgain

[smackie9]

Some serial killers, sex offender, rapists, will stop their activity because they are focused on a new relationship/marriage. In many cases, the detectives have noted a stop in activity due to, them being in jail or they got married...hiding their identity for years, in a marriage. BUT if there is so much as boredom, or troubles in the marriage, their activity continues again. I predict this will happen to you.

Edited January 16, 2020 by smackie9

[vla1120]

While I am of the mindset that everyone deserves a second chance, I'm also of the (self-preservative) mindset that it won't be me giving that second chance in regards to cheating. I cannot help but believe (from personal experience) once a cheater, always a cheater. Also, while I agree his criminal charges are none of our business, a 5-year sentence seems quite steep for just infidelity. I wonder if there was a more serious reason for his incarceration. Tread carefully and do not ignore those red flags!

[kendahke]

On 1/10/2020 at 4:10 PM, BeanQueen22 said:

In discussing marriage why I should take a gamble on him. By syncing our lives I would have too much to lose if it did not work out. What he did to his department & his former wife is not my concern, other than if his cheating were to resurface. 

The point of my thread was to ask people who had been married & had affairs, if they were able to go onto successful faithful relationships. 

Why are you taking any gamble with someone with whom  you have this much doubt and don't believe he's being honest with you?  That's lying by omission---why are you with a liar?

Break up if it's causing you this much consternation.

All court proceedings have public records with the county clerk's office---might want to go do some research on him and exactly what he was serving time for.

Edited January 16, 2020 by kendahke

[Ambereyes]

Will cheater cheat again? No one can give you the answer, even cheaters themselves. Because they may genuinely think they won’t do it again, until they find themselves doing it again. Besides, other people are not him. They can’t guarantee he won’t cheat.

this is a gamble you can’t avoid. Look up statistics if you wanna gauge your risk. And see if you can afford to lose

[2BGoodAgain]

15 hours ago, kendahke said:

Why are you taking any gamble with someone with whom  you have this much doubt and don't believe he's being honest with you?  That's lying by omission---why are you with a liar?

Break up if it's causing you this much consternation.

All court proceedings have public records with the county clerk's office---might want to go do some research on him and exactly what he was serving time for.

or you can use those online searches, pay $25 and get all the info.

she's asking these questions b/c she LIKES him... it's kinda obvious.

As for liars... i'm sorry, i don't know ANYONE who hasn't lied about something deep and personal to shallow and whatever...  and it appears he lied when they first met... i know, it doesn't set a good precedent, but what he lied about obviously was something deeply personal.... don't know anyone who'd willingly say "i was in prison for 5 yrs for blah blah blah" when they meet someone they really like or initial dating...

you have to obviously balance why they lied with what they lied about to who they are... etc. 

Edited January 17, 2020 by 2BGoodAgain

[hippychick3]

Here’s the thing... he may not have cheated on you (yet) and you may spend years together without him cheating. But when your relationship has challenges (and all relationships do eventually), can you 100% trust that he will not betray you in any way? No. I think what’s really important is how a person acts during challenging times of their life/relationship. And this is where a person’s character comes into play. The behavior may change depending on circumstances. But a person’s character will not. This is a person who may be at his best behavior when he’s happy and in love. But when the chips are down (and they WILL be at some point), this is a man who is more likely than not to stray. 
 

So yes, a person’s history of past behaviors is very indicative of future behaviors. No one with wisdom and experience is going to tell you otherwise. 

Edited January 17, 2020 by hippychick3

[Gaeta]

18 hours ago, vla1120 said:

, a 5-year sentence seems quite steep for just infidelity. I wonder if there was a more serious reason for his incarceration. Tread carefully and do not ignore those red flags!

He went to jail for misconduct as a police officer: 

Police misconduct refers to inappropriate conduct and/or illegal actions taken by police officers in connection with their official duties.

That means he fraud, or falcified evidence, or stole drugs, or.....

I am stupefied that OP worries about his cheating after knowing he's been to jail 5 years for doing illegal acts while he swore to protect and serve citizens.

Edited January 17, 2020 by Gaeta

[kendahke]

9 hours ago, 2BGoodAgain said:

she's asking these questions b/c she LIKES him... it's kinda obvious.

It's also obvious that she doesn't think he's telling her the truth and it was enough doubt for her to come to strangers and ask what's up.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

I would not take such a big gamble, no. 

You should be worried about his criminal record and serial cheating, OP. These are patterns of behaviour that demonstrate a complete lack of moral compass and sound judgment. He is absolutely capable of ignoring what is considered appropriate and acceptable, not only personally but professionally. This guy has some deeply-ingrained, troubling thought processes that apparently extend to all areas of his life. 

He isn't fooling himself into thinking he's "not like that" - he's trying to fool you.